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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 7:33:58 AM

lovingpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadow-tiger

Now when I say it's a mistake, I'm talking about when someone starts relying on another to keep their spirits up, help make decisions, be a rock in the storm, whatever.

See, and this is where he was heading with his desire. It wasn't enough just to offer a shoulder to cry on, advice, or comfort. He didn't feel like he had anyone to make it all better, to make the bad just go away.

I can be a centering influence at times, but in the end I just believe a person needs to be able to not only center his/herself, but also be able to center on many different people, activities, and other things as the occassion is appropriate. Perhaps, I am not the best person to accept peace from in a specific situation. Further, how will conflict between us ever come to resolution? I am the last person that should be in that position in that case.

This is a significant other that said this to me. He made me this without me ever knowing it. It explains a lot though. He has no motivation of his own, no purpose outside of me, and no real idea who and what HE is. We are at an impasse because of it. I find his coping inflexible, unimaginative, and unproductive. I find him incapable of change or progress. I can change him or push him forward, but it is not my place to do so. He has resentments about where I have taken him, despite his lack of input or action. He credits me with his accomplishments rather than take pride in them.

I believe this process can be done healthfully for a rare few and only when entered into rather intentionally and with the resolve to accept graciously this leading. I agree that friends support friends. I am there in the hard times with many people. The ultimate conclusion of that time in their lives, however, has to be theirs and theirs alone.

lovingpet

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 9:24:52 AM

LaTigresse

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To me, that description is more than being an "emotional centre". What he is wanting from you is not fair, nor healthy.

I know that I am an emotional centre for most people in my life. I do not do so actively, by doing anything, or taking care of their issues, I don't fix anything. I am just being me, just being. Loving them, listening on occasion, giving my opinion when it is asked for and more importantly, letting them, just be them.

What makes me their centre is those, almost intangible, qualities. Things that make me, me. Capacity to love and accept. My consistancy, calm demeanor, low drama, steady hand and head, no bullshit. Nurturing but also ready with the tough love type words when needed.

If they think they are going to get more, they are going to get the "put your big girl/boy panties on and DEAL!" speech. But I am still going to love them and they know it. Even if they do get mad as hell at me.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 10:42:52 AM

lovingpet

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This is how I am in my relationships too. I will not take the responsibility for someone else's life, but will always do my best to help appropriately. Going beyond that simply is not loving in my opinion. I will not run someone else's life.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 2:31:35 PM

UncleNasty

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My experience has been there are a fair percentage of people (my experience is mostly with fems, but I expect it is similar with men) that are in essence looking for someone else to take most to all responsibility for them - emotional center, kitchen sink and all. This is present in D/s relationships as well as in vanilla.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 2:52:44 PM

oceanwinds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: UncleNasty

My experience has been there are a fair percentage of people (my experience is mostly with fems, but I expect it is similar with men) that are in essence looking for someone else to take most to all responsibility for them - emotional center, kitchen sink and all. This is present in D/s relationships as well as in vanilla.

I totally agree with that and yes people looking for others to be responsible for them in found in all life styles, and dont see that changing.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 3:17:17 PM

lizi

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My experience with being my ex husband's emotional center was that it was unhealthy. Then again, he has emotional problems and was looking for me to fix them for him without taking the responsibility of doing it himself. To be fair, it wasn't quite that simple as he couldn't do it for himself but I couldn't do it for him either.

After reading the other responses I can see the variety of ways this request can be interpreted and in the end I'd have to say it depends on each situation. You'd have to consider why the other person is asking for it and what he/she is using it for.

< Message edited by lizi -- 5/15/2009 3:18:22 PM >

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 6:12:11 PM

sophia37

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Someone said he sounds needy. But in some ways we're all needy. I think the man needs more than just one person. Otherwise I get the emotional center idea. I have friends I turn to. Im just glad the word friend is plural in my life. Having just you for his friend is well, not enough. Dontcha think?

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 8:12:52 PM

Ialdabaoth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Don't most of us have one person we know we can turn to for help if we really need it?

No, not all of us do.

quote:

Or want such a person in our lives? And isn't knowing they really will be there a centering for us? Just knowing we aren't alone allows us to be less afraid, think more clearly, need to ask for help less?

Yes, most people want this. It doesn't mean most of us get it.

quote:

I would think that would qualify whether it be a lover or a family member. However asking someone to suddenly become this seems wrong. This deep of a relationship needs to grow into it. You can't just sit down and agree to it, you have to feel it. I would imagine you aren't anywhere near that deep of a relationship with the person who asked you.

Very true. Also, the sort of people that don't have such a person, typically are not the sort of person that anyone sane would want to be that person for.

Life is full of lost causes.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/16/2009 7:17:15 AM

ThornsSoSweet

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This is a person who has many associates but only one confidant. It goes much further than confidant. I have been supporting the entire load of the relationship as long as there has been one. I have to take him by the hand and make him do even simple things to improve himself or the relationship. He baulks, he fights, he gives in as a last resort appeasement and then rescinds the changes after they have served their purpose. These are not things he admits or sees in himself. This is my own observation.

Everyone needs friends. Everyone needs close friends. Most need a life partner. I just think this, for him, goes beyond what should be expected of any of those roles. I also see it as parasitic. I don't NEED benefit from a relationship, but I believe it should exist regardless. It simply doesn't here. It is all giving and I have slowly been drained and am finding myself on empty.

lovingpet

<<accidentally posted under my other profile

< Message edited by ThornsSoSweet -- 5/16/2009 7:18:41 AM >

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