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How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 4:10:02 AM

RCdc

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There are often posts on relationships - usually the sexual/partnership types. But I thought I might ask about friendships.
If friendship becomes a one sided affair, what would you do? Obviously the most obvious is to let it die. But does that not mean you failed to communicate? What is the person has issues, depression or an addiction or medication (I mean that their body must have drugs to help it sustain but that side effects occur) of some kind that impairs their ability to recognise their lack of cognitive behaviour ? What if their perception is that you are ending the relationship, when you contact them less simply because they are responding less? Do you act differently to a (for the sake of seperation)relationship than a friendship?

I am curious to how important a relationship is and how much you feel you have to give before people decide to call it a day.

the.dark.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 5:36:28 AM

CatdeMedici

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A painful question for Me, I hate to let friends go, but if their out of control death spiral impacts My life or My family far too much, I have to send them off.
Example: A dear friend unable to hold a steady job , continues to seek out emotionally draining relationships, still living at home at 34 with parents who scorn his gayness, sought and continues to seek solace in Canadian mail in drugs. Nope, tried to help, didn't want it, fine I moved on.

I am a good and faithful friend, however, I do not sugarcoat advice when asked for, I do not applaud death spirals, I do not support a cycle of bad decisions and I do not allow Myself or My family to get sucked into other's swirling vortex of drama.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 5:41:48 AM

sblady

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Good friends are very hard to find and keep. Most of my friends are low maintenance; meaning we don't talk daily and sometimes even a month or two can pass between conversations. As we all have pretty busy lives, this works well and no one is offended if a long period of time has passed.

That being said, I consider many things before I officially end an established friendship; by established I mean years. If I'm aware that my friends are having a tough time, etc., I take that into consideration and will usually continue to contact them even if they don't respond.

If it's obvious that the friendship has become one sided, especially in a new friendship, I call it a day rather quickly.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 6:07:33 AM

Rainfire

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It's different for each one. I broke off one friendship rather quickly because she strongly objected to my being with Lumus and called Him all sorts of names. She didn't have the guts to just simply wish us well and move on so I told her good luck with her life and moved on with mine. Another, I tried to hold on to for some time before I had to call it quits and let it go because of the negativity and drama with her. I loved her dearly but all she did was whine, complain and get angry about things. Eventually, I just stopped talking with her and I never heard from her again. *shrugs* Maybe the friendship meant more to me than her, I don't know.

I evaluate the friendship, the person, actions and attitude, along with what is happening. Sometimes it's a quicker call than others to say "ok, enough is enough, I'm moving on."

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 6:37:43 AM

Aneirin

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I have very few friends, but of those friends, they are very close and dear to me, I am there for them whenever they need help, and they are the same with me. But hold, my friends are more than friends, the closeness I have been told by one fairly recently is he considers me more like a brother than a friend. So thinking about this, I would have to agree, my friends are close friends and yes, I look at them more family than mere friends.

Sometimes though in the various friendships, friends go off for time to do their own thing, but it does not mar the friendship in any way, they come back and things are back to normal. Me, I am the worst at it, I go off into my own little world of oblivion for a while before waking up and wondering where I have been and there making apologies to all who care. It is something I am aware of, but forget I am aware of it time and time again. I am just thankful I have good friends, for they are always there and welcoming as if no time had passed, they being aware of my foibles and forgiving.

But as to the breaking of friendships, to me, I left that behind in the school yard, I don't engage in this ,'' You're not my friend anymore'' what friends I choose now are friends for as long as they want to be friends and if they should decide to drift off, then I will remain, and still call them friend regardless as to me, as in everything, I am true in my belief of them, nothing has changed, I will always be there for them.

< Message edited by Aneirin -- 5/11/2009 6:39:33 AM >

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 7:08:34 AM

beargonewild

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The ending of a friendship depends on the strength of the friendship and a host of other factors which come into play. In my case I usually give as much as I can to keep the friendship going and sometimes way past what most people would do. I base my friendships on compatibility, tolerance, acceptance and loyalty of myself and of the other person. It's when one of these factors being violated is when I will step back and re-examine if the friendship is with fixing or better to let it fade away.

Yes I will act differently towards a person I once was friends with. The interaction will be cool, brief. and very limited. I have had people end a long term friendship because they wouldn't accept my orientation, I wasn't good enough for them anymore or they took it upon themselves to manipulate the friendship for their own selfish needs. I have ended friendships over the other person lying to me, over their idiotic jealousy over my other friendships and other issues.

Friendships are important and they are very important in my life. Looking back, I see that the majority of the time I will go over and above what is necessary to keep a friendship going. I felt it is only fair to give them a second and possibly a third chance when the friendship is showing cracks though I will come the realization that this friendship is too one sided and enough is enough which is when the contact is severed and usually by me.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 7:12:33 AM

samboct

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That's a toughie-

It's OK to bail out if the person is going on a one way trip- a la Thelma and Louise. However, if the person needs support through a rough patch, then I often view that as part of being a friend- and I invest a lot in my friendships.

But know that there are limitations on the support network. It's OK to tell someone- I'm your friend- not your shrink. As a friend you can help analyze the problem they're having and support them in a course of action to help solve it- but you can't solve their problem for them. Diagnosis is the easy part of mental health treatment- actually removing what's causing the problem is very, very, tough.

In terms of drug interactions- again a toughie. In an era of well trained mental health professionals- the answer would be easy- figure the doc knows what he/she is doing. Unfortunately, these days, that's not a good bet, so your job may be to suggest to your friend that the therapy they're undertaking isn't working well.

Good luck,

Sam

(in reply to Rainfire)

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 7:21:58 AM

Rule

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I ended one good childhood friendship when he got sexually fresh at the onset of puberty. At the time I had already 'died' and as a consequence was crazy.

Since having 'died' I am blunt, and do not socially connect to other people. I am loyal, but my loyalty cannot be bought. When a friend does something wrong, I will darn well tell him so. If he does not want to discuss it privately, I will discuss it in public.

About six years ago I lost two good friends - since about 1980 and 1987. The second suddenly greeted me with a disinterested "Hi". I do not know what his problem is, but suppose that I am to blame; I can think of three possible causes. I have kept my friendship for him alive for those six years. About ten days ago I heard that he had been stabbed in the neck. He is at home now and recovering well. (The stabber had used cocaine and rang the doorbell of the wrong apartment; his intended victims were his ex-girlfriend and her new friend in the next apartment.) It caused me to face reality: I had lost this friend six years ago and our friendship ended then. So last week I mourned the loss of my friend.

The other lost friend was a more complicated case. He is somewhat older than me, never been married or having any steady relation that I know of. He studied one year of physics, then switched to programming. He is descended from a long line of Indonesian warriors. By nature he is a warrior. Short, stocky, high IQ, socially normal except for not having a wife. It so happened that he fell in love with a small woman, even less tall than he, who did not want him at all. She had a long time relation with a tall, gaunt, crazy artist. That relationship ended and he had high hopes that now it would be his opportunity. Not so. She started a new relationship with another tall, gaunt, crazy artist. After a handful of years that relationship also ended. So my friend again had high hopes that at last she would agree to a relationship with him. Not so. She started a new relationship with yet another tall, gaunt, crazy artist. Now these two apparently to rub his nose in it and snub him, in a public place were flirting with each other. I think that I noticed that, but ignored it. My friend did not ignore it. The two guys got quite drunk. At last we four were the only people left of our company - and do I wish that I had left too. My friend offered everybody a drink. The drunk, tall, gaunt, crazy artist refused the offer. Then when my friend had his whisky before him, the tall, gaunt, crazy artist in drunk bravado took his glass of whisky and drank all of it. That was extremely rude and offended the honor of my friend - at least that was my perception of what occurred. In turn my friend got horribly angry. The next day he refused me an explanation for his behaviour. The tall, gaunt, crazy artist complained that their friendship had ended and I promised to try to reconciliate them. I did so in public at a party of the second friend and in such terms that only my soldier type friend would understand. He got extremely mad at me and never talked to me again. Mere minutes later my tall, gaunt, crazy artist friend came to me and told me what really had been going on, about the hopeless love of my soldier type friend and that he and this girl now had an intimate relationship. If I had known that fifteen minutes earlier, I never would have given my public conciliatory speech - but at that moment it was too late. I mourned the loss of that friend as well.

< Message edited by Rule -- 5/11/2009 7:37:32 AM >

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 7:26:43 AM

missturbation

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quote:

I am curious to how important a relationship is and how much you feel you have to give before people decide to call it a day

I never call it a day on a friendship. They may choose to call it a day but i will always still be around if they want me. I've had some pretty nasty occurences, episodes with friends but i still cchoose to stick around and be there if they ever need me.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 7:33:16 AM

GYPZYQUEEN

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E.TOLLE ,Mirianne Williamson ,Caroline MYSS offer
good comforting thoughts on this..

Relationships do not end they take another form

They do not fail...they take another form

All you had is not lost..you STILL have what you had..
what you mourn is more

A relationship is an assignment for learning..it might be a day.. week a season..a life time...

MYSS ask one to see what the returns are you getting on your investments in the relationship..
not that you see it from giving to get..
..but how does it enhance your life/ or has it begun to drain you..?.by being plugged into this person

I also like how these books explain how to let go and embrace the new form of the relationship by giving it over to the higher power of your understanding..love..Goddess..angels etc..

Good books that explain HOW to talk to someone about you letting go..or how you see the friendship going on or ending
are:
DANCE OF ANGER
DANCE OF INTIMACY

GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 5/11/2009 7:37:09 AM >

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 8:12:49 AM

kittinSol

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For what it's worth, my mother always says that whilst some friendships are meant to last forever there are also some that have a use-by-date - you know it's reached the use-by-date when it is sour and you don't want to taste it anymore.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 8:24:41 AM

Aneirin

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I don't think friendships like relationships are that much of a chance meeting, I think people are drawn to each other, possibly for the purpose of that particular person has something to give, or to receive from the other. Maybe it is despite geneaology, those we are drawn to and in reality are our spiritual family.

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Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 8:26:53 AM

Rainfire

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Aneirin, maybe there could be another word other than "breaking" used to describe the process but some times it's for the better to move on. In one of the examples I stated, I've known the person for almost 10 years. We were like sisters. But when she found out about Lumus and myself, she went ballistic and even though I tried to keep things going normally, she was dead-set against me being with him, making herself judge and jury, convicting Him of stealing me from another Dominant, one that I had only talked with a few times in the most casual of ways. She had set her heart on me being with this other person even though I don't believe there was any chemistry between us and have reason to believe we were looking for different things. So after dealing with her shit for a while, and seeing the damage it was doing to me, Lumus said it was time to move on with our lives and let her deal with hers.

Is that "breaking" a friendship? If so, on who's side? Should I ever hear from this person again, I'll be polite, exchange pleasantries and see how she's doing. But if she continues to bash my beloved Husband and Master, then I'll know that the friendship has passed and move on. I'm like Bear - I'll continue to be there and do what I can but there comes a time when I have to say "ya know, enough is enough, there's nothing healthy here for either of us." I put a lot of time and effort into my friendships, perhaps more than is healthy for me at times. But every so often, there is that line that must be drawn. *shrugs*

_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to Aneirin)

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 8:46:24 AM

Aneirin

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Personally, I don't give up on anyone, but will allow them the space they need if they desire it, but a friend can know, I will be there for them when they need my friendship once again. Many people make errors, bad turns of judgement, even follow other avenues leading to wherever, it is not my place to judge a person on their choices, nor will I interfere unless I perceive something seriously unhealthy. My friends are free, they stay my friends because I am not in their face all the time, they can have a life besides me. If I perceive damage to myself, I will simply draw back for a while, let things settle so to speak and evaluate the situation whence emotions are not that eagerly involved.

< Message edited by Aneirin -- 5/11/2009 8:47:01 AM >

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Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 8:54:19 AM

Phoenixpower

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It depends...one of my friends I know since 26 years and we are always in touch once in a while...I enjoy the memories when we were kids and its nice that we are still in touch. Two other long lasting friendships died as it got too one sided for me. I have the view that if it is only me who keeps the contact going, then there is no point to keep it going. The door is open, I can be contacted at any time, when they don't do, then it can't be an important contact to hang onto. One of them doesn't even know my years of living in Ireland and England...and contacting me would be no problem at all as she knows the number in Germany where she could get my details if she would want to.

Another friendship re-started after her partner died despite not being in touch for 13 years (he was the reason why I had to stop the contact to her for no fault of her). We are in loose contact with each other, I don't mind to be in touch again, but am less in touch then she would like..maybe time will heal...in this case I doubt. Nevertheless she was an important part of my life and I am glad that we try to continue somehow since we are able to do it now. So for me, the door is open to be in contact again...it is very rare indeed that the door is shut...a lot must happen tha I get that drastic, but I am also not "chasing" contacts...am not bored enough for that.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 9:07:45 AM

pahunkboy

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Darcy:

here is one idea.

"I am taking a little break from our friendship" "I have alot on my mind and solitude is what I need to do for now".

Then see how it goes.

6 weeks later, you could try again. or not.

Another tactic. "I have 5 minutes for this phone call". (in other words spill it and we move on to the next item)

I am pondering putting space between Jenny and I. Her BF is driving me crazy. A total mommas boy at 38 years old... and I am tired of picking up the pieces of it. Then her life in her mind is always a crises.

I have taken breaks before.

My advice to you- is dont burn the bridges... just take a break. Downtime can do wonders to the mind. :-)

//BTW- the comment on drugs from Canada. Unlikely. Nothing fun I mean. They stopped that a good 10 years ago.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 12:31:57 PM

CatdeMedici

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quote:

//BTW- the comment on drugs from Canada. Unlikely. Nothing fun I mean. They stopped that a good 10 years ago.

Online scrips come from Canada anything from diet pills to BP meds, its pretty easy to get them and easier to mix them for a variety of highs.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 12:43:41 PM

pahunkboy

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quote:

Online scrips come from Canada

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

quote:

//BTW- the comment on drugs from Canada. Unlikely. Nothing fun I mean. They stopped that a good 10 years ago.

Online scrips come from Canada anything from diet pills to BP meds, its pretty easy to get them and easier to mix them for a variety of highs.

send me the link pls

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 1:03:26 PM

stella41b

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On balance I'm much more likely to cut ties from a relationship than a friendship. A relationship is far more immediate, there's usually a greater degree of interaction and commitment, a stronger influence on what I think and feel, and ultimately, how I function even on a basic day to day level.

With friendships it's different. I'm a little more indiscriminate as to who I form friendships with, why, and on what basis. This is for a wide variety of reasons. Firstly I don't subscribe to the 'zero sum' game in friendships nor seek any sort of equality. One of my favourite sayings comes from the Polish language - 'let us not be pharmacists', and as such, I never measure my friendships.

I'm also transgendered and this places a specific handicap on finding people prepared to come into my life for any amount of time, but it's also that handicap which also filters out a lot of the idiots and more undesirable elements of humanity. People come into my life for a variety of reasons, some out of curiosity, some because they think I will give them something which they won't find elsewhere, and some because of who I am as a person, people who are simply not bothered or concerned about the label. I take people at face value, you rarely if ever get to know someone unless you walk a mile in their shoes or spend a week in close contact with them.

Also in my own experience I have lost too many friendships to ever proactively seek to end a friendship. I'm writing as someone who has said goodbye to an awful lot of people, and some I simply didn't say goodbye, I simply walked away.

I will usually stand by someone right through to the bitter end and stand by them solidly, even to the point when they have nobody else to turn to. I know from the times when I was alone, destitute, isolated, lonely, ostracized, that often all it takes is one friend to make that difference.

I invariably come into people's lives once or pass through, but whichever way and however, I try to make it count.

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RE: How long until a friendship breaks? - 5/11/2009 1:31:57 PM

kdsub

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Friendship means different things to different people... your idea of friendship may be smothering to your friend.

Like it or not friendship is a two way street. If the other person is not returning your friendship there is really little you can do...or should do.

It may be just me…but I hate it when friends decide they know how to solve my problems. If someone asks me for advice I give it to them otherwise I say nothing and just be a friend. If that means leaving them alone to work through their own problems so be it.

Butch

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 20

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