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expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:31:43 PM   
monaslave


Posts: 106
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		I know there are many "negative" ppl you come across during your search, but to me it looks like there are a lot of Dom´s, that want me to "prove my submission" in some kind of way,shape and form.. Im very clear, about what  I want, and that I like to get to know the man,before anything at all. Of course some will push the limits, by nature, but can it be right,that you have to "prove your submission" even if you are just in the get to know you fase?
I mean,its there you get to know the person, whom they are. In my eyes, there is always time for submission, but once you have said "yes", you are too late, you have said yes, and took what was offered, if you then discover you are incompatabile its too late. (and Im not talking about roleplay here but ltr&24/7 relations)
Am I wrong, for standing so hard on that  Idont give submission at all,before my yes? I have known Dom´s before,that took advantage of IF I did give "a little" anyway, and suddenly,turned it into a yes or it naturally was formed that way,because of what I did, because its a very fine line.
Am I too tight?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:34:15 PM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		If something doesn't sound right to you, it doesn't sound right for a reason.

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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:36:36 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		you seem to know what you want.  why should you settle for less?  there are alot of people on here who pull the "you're not a true sub if you don't...." bullshit.  that's all it is.  don't fall for it.  be true to yourself and you can't do too wrong when you find someone who clicks.  best of luck!
PM

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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:37:44 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		It is never too late to say no... change my mind!  You say yes to being submissive with someone and find there is a mistake, it isn't too late.

I believe that a dominant should prove themselves just as much as a submissive and actually should show merit before the submissive in a sense because it is far more risky to the submissive to hand over their life in different ways.  To any dominant saying prove your submission... one ought to be saying... enjoy this...

If you don't value yourself and your submission... in many situations, who else will?

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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:38:45 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Knowing what you want is a good thing. Always stick by  your values and don't settle for something you do not think is right. You have the right to choose who you say "yes' to.

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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:40:22 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		The very act of asking you to "prove your submission" serves to prove their lack of dominance. By the asking (or demanding), they prove their cluelessness. What's left to prove? They might just as well stand under a billboard with an arrow pointing down, that says: "Stupid jerk posing as a dominant". Why would you want to let yourself be manipulated by such a person? Don't do it.

Block them, and delete their message without reply.

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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:40:46 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline 		In my view you are not too tight. I agree with you that if you dare to give "a little" they want more and often they (at least the ones I was involved with) only could the talk but not the walk, and if they could the walk, then they were far away from that they pretended to be physically. Currently I am involved with someone from here whom I am going to meet on sunday and he never ever asked for such demands. In the beginning once he was a bit addicted to pictures (nope, not the naughty ones, he only wanted to see my face from right now up to date and tried to get more a smile from me which is currently difficult due to having too many pressures on me for different reasons). However, he never ever asked for any prove bullshit, which was a nice change and during the time when he asked often-ish for such "normal" pictures at some point I had enough (as I am not bored enough to do damn pics all the time) and did show this to him. He there realised that he pushed a bit too much for now with demanding them a bit too often and apologised.

I won't know if we are able to make it work when we meet, but at last he is not one of the online wankers on here...

I stick to it hard by now not to go into "you have to prove" nonsense, as after all I don't have to prove anything to them. If they are serious to look for an LTR then they should be able to respect that this takes time and requires to meet in person, whereas if they just want a wank...well, then they of course have every reason to rush and demand such nonsense. Good luck in your search

< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 5/1/2009 12:43:59 PM >

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(in reply to monaslave)
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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:42:32 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		What you are doing is what you are comfortable doing.  Therefore, it is the right thing to do.  Anyone who is "pushing" for more than you are willing to give in the "getting to know you" stage should be dismissed (yes, even a sub can dismiss a dom) with or without an explanation depending on how you feel about it.  If you are are clear upfront in your profile and your conversations with these potentials, there is no reason for them to push for more.  In my opinion, when it comes to relationships of any type, you are each considering the other.  Just because you identify as submissive does not mean that you have to take whatever comes along.  If you do, it won't work in the long run anyway.  I also think that when it comes to loving relationships involving D/s, the potential dom should be "wooing" (sp?) you.  Just my opinion mind you.

In the end, never let anyone push, coerce or intimidate you into doing anything before you are comfortable and ready to do so.  I might explain that nicely once.  If I have to do it again, I'm not likely to be so nice and will and have walked away because someone was just too pushy before I was ready.

(in reply to monaslave)
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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:45:47 PM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		As others have said it's never too late to say this isn't working, isn't right fr me etc etc.
Negative talk about proving your submission as an aside never fails to make me laugh. I think we all in some shape or form end up proving our submission at some point. It's not always a bad thing.

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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 12:50:16 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		may i ask if you try to get a feel for their personality as a Dominant when youre talking to them. 

i dont respond to immediate expectations or orders either.  it made me really laugh the other day when i got an email that ended by saying 'you may write back to me now' - i didnt.

but if im talking to someone i feel i like and could like a bit more and i feel that they are genuine i will show my submissive colours a little.  ill slip in a Sir when i feel its appropriate, ill show some measure of the respect im developing for them.  i dont see this as proving myself but i do see it as giving them something to relax with and help them to know that being me is also about being respectful and attuned to the process.

lets not kid ourselves, we all know this isnt about us meeting up for sunday school and singing in the choir whilst knitting bedsocks for the local OAP home.

its a dance and a bit of D/s flirting is ok.

but full on expectations early on is crass.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 5/1/2009 12:53:31 PM >

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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 1:06:50 PM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		It makes sense to take your time and work things out at your own pace.Don't let Other rush you or force you into something you're not completely comfortable with, why should you compromise your happiness.

(in reply to monaslave)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 1:28:48 PM   
monaslave


Posts: 106
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline 		D/s flirting.. if it just was roleplay and not ltr/24/7,I seek, I would agree yes, in a way. Fx  i do not call a Dom "Sir" or "Master"(or what they prefer) before we have an agreement,and Im very clear about that as well. I can show my respect without. I am very careful not crossing the line, because how are you going to take it back. Not that I want to end the relation, but proceed carefully, and if I have already given more,than intent was, and in a way accepted the prospective,then Im screwded,in a sence. So, thats why I keep the line.
Yes, I can when its a Dom I have known longer time, then I can naturally tell at least some, how hes like as a Dom. But on the other hand  I dont make any assumptions beforehand. But I dont rush,either. As I see it, anyone can say "Sir",and not beeing a fuck sub anyway.. you dont know,as I dont know, until you know the person.
So thats one reason more for me, but I can see what you mean,and its fine if its working for you. Some told me its about respect,but I cant see where the respect is,in that? I show respect just as I would for anyone else..

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 1:53:39 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		its not a submissive Sir, its a mark of respect, Sir.  people only get that mark of respect when they treat me with respect and approach me in a way thats considered, friendly and not assumptive.  it actually just slips in there without me thinking about it and so i see it as part of the process when it happens.  its a sign to me, if nothing else that something positive is developing in me - it has a life of its own to be honest.

but calling someone Sir didnt always come naturally,  i used to feel awkward and uncomfortable, it used to feel forced and false because i just wasnt comfortable with it.  you cant call someone Sir unless it feels right, so if it doesnt feel right dont do it.

we're all different.

D/s flirting is just flirting but with a D/s flavour to it, cos basically thats what we are and what we do.  its not about role play i dont do role play anyway.  it cant be forced or disengenuous, you have to want to or not. 

in the end its whatever youre comfy with.

i am in full control of what i will or wont do, what i consider to be acceptable or not - but its not set in stone, i dont have a rigid line.  each person i talk to is individual and their personality will affect me in different ways. 

in the end i am comfortable being polite, respectful and attentive.  if they are crass enough to bulldoze into me, then theyre not going to be my type and i wont bother with them.

its about finding a type you can talk to and feel comfortable with.  like in any other situation throughout youre normal day.

what you have to learn to do is give people the benefit of the doubt, ditch the offensive/defensive and just relax into who you are.  only when they tick you off or step over youre line should you assume theyre dickheads.  before that just be you and maybe loosen up a bit.  meant kindly btw.

(in reply to monaslave)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 2:32:12 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		"Prove your submission" usually means entertaining them by getting naked and masturbating for them on webcam, or something like that.  Don't do it and tell them to get lost.

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 2:37:30 PM   
SlaveBlutarsky


Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline 		The only person you have to prove anything to is yourself. Eventually, if you let someone in who's that important to you, you may feel the need to prove something to them, but only because you deemed them worthy of that.

I apparently piss a lot of women who email me off because of my backbone and strength, which are actually the two things that are going to make someone the happiest in a relationship.

Personally, I just don't see the point in emailing twice and having someone be 'my mistress' and start barking orders at me. I need to be wined and dined baby, I don't put out in the first email :)

Because of my *gasp* standards or principles, I get called a fake or whatever all the time. It's just funny to me because basically all I want to do is fall madly in love with someone who happens to want to kick the shit out of me on a regular basis. There's nothing fake about my submission, therefore I need not prove it to anyone, nor should you.


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RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 2:51:48 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Listen to what people tell you, not what they post and not what's written on their profile. This might seem banal advice but you would be surprised how much this puts you ahead of the field.

It's always worth remembering that the truth comes out eventually. It just seems that so many come here expecting to get the same results they get from other sites such as e-bay or stores such as Wal-Mart or Dom Depot. This isn't how it works, you're dealing with not just human nature but relationships based on a vast myriad of different rituals, protocols, transactions and relationships. You can't just 'get' a relationship or even a dynamic off the Internet which in itself appears to be one of the most prevalent beliefs in WIITWD. That's how people end up getting caught up in the 'real', 'true' and 'fake' mindset.

A former domme of mine said that it takes just 150 words - written or spoken - for a dominant or submissive to find their potential partner. This might seem to be the paradox to what I've written above but no, as you still have to get to know each other, and that in itself is the whole relationship.

Therte's a lot to be said for letting things just take their natural course.

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 4:12:55 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Proving your submission is just another way of talking you into casual fucking/playing/cybering. Ignore, delete.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 4:26:59 PM   
GYPZYQUEEN


Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		I like a sub with strong spirit..confidence..even a bit sassy..one with a mind..opinion..
It takes little time to reveal  true self as Stella says..
You will not risk losing a potentially good Dom by
not PROVING your submission.as they see it.

What the hell is that? It is an  insideous ploy to see tits and pussy
AND 
I have met subs who later say 
"Well you didn't take over right away"
Why would I.."YOU ARE NOT MY SUB.".I say

We are here to GET to know each other..not dominante everyone immediately/ or see their packages!

AND in meeting we are  still GETTING TO KNOW EACH other..

next time they ask this  refer them to several threads on here ...or say "My DOMME Friends have advised that...............
 
 
GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 5/1/2009 4:29:03 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 4:46:00 PM   
LovingMistress45


Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline 		You don't have to prove anything to anyone.  It is about the same when I am told to prove I am Domme.  I do by exiting the conversation.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: expectations? - 5/1/2009 5:43:04 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I'm very up-front that I don't feel any D/s reaction toward someone I haven't done at least light play with in person. So far, nobody has had any objection to that, and if they did, we wouldn't be compatible.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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