Lessons you have learned.

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Psykic -> Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 6:10:49 PM)
Hello, all. I have been on this site for a few years, but this is my first post to the message boards. Recently I have been trying to organize my thoughts, opinions, and the things I have learned regarding BDSM. As this message board seems to be a wealth of information, I thought that it would be a good place to collect even more insights and information, and hopefully to spark topics of discussion that will be mutually beneficial to all. One of the things I wanted to organize are "Lessons I have learned". What I mean by this is that there is a type of lesson that one learns by experience. The type of thing that is rarely (if ever) written down, but if you forget it, can have disastrous results. I hope that some of you will see fit to add the lessons you have learned through experience, and hopefully include the story which brought about this realization. I will start: Lesson 1: If you planning to be involved with someone, make sure that you both agree on terminology. This I learned a while ago when I met a girl who said on her profile that she was seeking a play partner. We got to know one another online and on the telephone. We eventually met and played together. It seemed that things were going well, but the next day she told me that she did not think that we were compatible because she said that I was not dominant enough. Now, I was shocked to hear this. I think of "play partners" as an equal relationship between friends where one enjoys being tied up/flogged/pierced/whatever, and the other enjoys doing it. I do not think of it as something where there is much emphasis on D/s outside of play. In fact when I met her, I made a specific effort to avoid being dominant outside of play. After talking with her for a while, I found out that her definition of play partners was similar to what I thought of as a Dominant/submissive relationship, except more casual and without commitment. However, by the time I found this out, we were already getting along poorly, and eventually decided to stop talking. All of that stress and drama could have been avoided if one of us had simply said in the beginning: "What I mean by play partner is .....". Lesson 2: If you are not in the right mindset to play (i.e. you are drunk, high, tired, emotional, etc.), then do not play; that should be obvious to everyone. What is less obvious is: If you are not in the right mindset to play, then do not allow play for which you are responsible to take place. This is one I learned a couple of years ago when I was with my ex-slave. We went out to a club with a close friend of mine, and her master. Afterward we all went back to their hotel. At this point it was around three or four am, and while I have never been drunk or high in my life, I was quite tired. My friend and her master were already playing a bit when we arrived, and I allowed my slave to join them. I have virtually no sense of jealousy, and my friend had been telling me for quite a while how skilled and experienced her master is, so I figured that I would allow them all to have fun while I sat in a chair and observed. Eventually my friends' master asked my slave if she would like to try fisting. She agreed, so she laid on the bed with my friend next to her face holding her hand, my friends' master behind her, and me zoning out in a chair a few feet away. He began to fist her while my friend was giving encouragement on the other end. The fisting made some progress, but my friends' master stopped when my slave began bleeding heavily from her vagina. It was only when me and my slave were discussing this on the drive home that I found out that while my friend was whispering encouragement, my slave was whispering "stop, stop, please stop, it hurts, ow, ow, no, stop". The thing is that I actually heard her saying this, but for some reason it did not register in my mind until later because of how tired I was. I consider failing to stop what was going on that night to be the biggest mistake I have made in my life. It was a failure as a dominant, as a friend, and as a man. The only good thing that came of the experience is the knowledge that I will never, ever repeat this mistake in my lifetime. Well, there are a couple of lessons I have learned from experience. I am hoping that there will be many more to follow from other members of this site. And to those dominants out there who are reluctant to admit that they are not perfect, remember the words of Oscar Wilde "Exprience is simply the name that we give to our mistakes". So do not think of this as admitting your mistakes, think of it as boasting your experience.

Andalusite -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 6:14:42 PM)
I've played quite happily while tired before, on both sides of the whip, but not when another person was involved. I think that depends on the circumstances.

cherylnchains -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 6:45:39 PM)
what a wonderful posting!

junecleaver -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 7:43:35 PM)
I like to bottom when I am tired. It can make especially a painful scene that much more cathartic for me. Definitely would agree on the terminology though.

Padriag -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 8:27:22 PM)
I'm not sure where to begin... all the lessons I've learned over the last 15 odd years could probably very easily fill a book. But if I were going to distill it down to a few points... Everything takes time, and you have to make time for everything. Its far too easy to take on way more than you can manage or have time for. That can be true whether its trying to accomplish too many goals at once, take on too many slaves at once, please too many people at the same time, etc. Everything in our lives takes a certain amount of time... and our time is finite... there are only so many hours in a day. If you don't leave yourself enough time for everything important... something or someone is going to end up neglected... and that could possibly even be yourself. Get your priorities straight! Knowing what really matters most to you, where your focus is and should be versus all those other things in your life... which while they might be nice... are really just diversions or distractions... knowing what matters can make so many other decisions much simpler. Knowing exactly what your priorities are gives you focus, it can keep you pointed in the right direction despite all the unexpected things that will come along in life. Those priorities can be like a compass keeping you pointed in the direction you need to go in order to reach your goals. Otherwise, its far too easy to drift off course. Know what you want, but becareful what you wish for. There are so many possibilities in this lifestyle... and regardless what your kinks are... there is someone out there willing to indulge them. Anyone with enough determination could likely have just about anything you can imagine... and many of us can imagine a helluva lot! But just cause you can imagine it doesn't mean you really want it... just cause you can have it... doesn't mean you should. There are also consequences to everything, sure... you can have that threesome tonight with those two hot sluts... but where will that leave your relationship in the morning... is the price worth the admission? Never do anything if you aren't sure what you're doing. I have seen way too many people either get hurt or hurt someone else because they plowed ahead with a kink without having taken time to figure out what they were doing. I've seen a submissive taken to a hospital with a ruptured spleen because some moron didn't actually know as much about bull whips as he thought. I've seen submissives beg for various kinds of fetish play... only to discover in the middle of it that it REALLY freaked them out. Some of it left permanent scars (and not always the kind you can see). It pays to think about what you are doing BEFORE you do it. Never crawl into bed for sympathy or because you're lonely. It never works out... ever. Its the wrong way to begin anything, especially a relationship. If you aren't with them, and/or they aren't with you because you both genuinely want to be with each other... because you both genuinely like each other... then just don't. Get over whatever trauma or drama is going on in your life. Put your baggage where it belongs... then give it a go. Cause when you do crawl into bed... it really ought to be just the two of you... having all your issues along just gets way too crowded. Just cause it looked good in a porn flick, does not mean it works in real life. Porn flicks are staged... some less than others... but all of them are scripted and staged to some extent. That means that unless you spend just as much time scripting and staging... its probably not going to work out at smoothly... and even if it does, it still probably won't look as cool. Take your inspiration where ever you like, just keep in mind that reality has this way of introducing its own surprises... and sometimes letting go and enjoying the unexpected is way more fun.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 8:36:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Psykic Hello, all. I have been on this site for a few years, but this is my first post to the message boards. Recently I have been trying to organize my thoughts, opinions, and the things I have learned regarding BDSM. As this message board seems to be a wealth of information, I thought that it would be a good place to collect even more insights and information, and hopefully to spark topics of discussion that will be mutually beneficial to all. One of the things I wanted to organize are "Lessons I have learned". What I mean by this is that there is a type of lesson that one learns by experience. The type of thing that is rarely (if ever) written down, but if you forget it, can have disastrous results. I hope that some of you will see fit to add the lessons you have learned through experience, and hopefully include the story which brought about this realization. I will start: Lesson 1: If you planning to be involved with someone, make sure that you both agree on terminology. This I learned a while ago when I met a girl who said on her profile that she was seeking a play partner. We got to know one another online and on the telephone. We eventually met and played together. It seemed that things were going well, but the next day she told me that she did not think that we were compatible because she said that I was not dominant enough. Now, I was shocked to hear this. I think of "play partners" as an equal relationship between friends where one enjoys being tied up/flogged/pierced/whatever, and the other enjoys doing it. I do not think of it as something where there is much emphasis on D/s outside of play. In fact when I met her, I made a specific effort to avoid being dominant outside of play. After talking with her for a while, I found out that her definition of play partners was similar to what I thought of as a Dominant/submissive relationship, except more casual and without commitment. However, by the time I found this out, we were already getting along poorly, and eventually decided to stop talking. All of that stress and drama could have been avoided if one of us had simply said in the beginning: "What I mean by play partner is .....". Lesson 2: If you are not in the right mindset to play (i.e. you are drunk, high, tired, emotional, etc.), then do not play; that should be obvious to everyone. What is less obvious is: If you are not in the right mindset to play, then do not allow play for which you are responsible to take place. This is one I learned a couple of years ago when I was with my ex-slave. We went out to a club with a close friend of mine, and her master. Afterward we all went back to their hotel. At this point it was around three or four am, and while I have never been drunk or high in my life, I was quite tired. My friend and her master were already playing a bit when we arrived, and I allowed my slave to join them. I have virtually no sense of jealousy, and my friend had been telling me for quite a while how skilled and experienced her master is, so I figured that I would allow them all to have fun while I sat in a chair and observed. Eventually my friends' master asked my slave if she would like to try fisting. She agreed, so she laid on the bed with my friend next to her face holding her hand, my friends' master behind her, and me zoning out in a chair a few feet away. He began to fist her while my friend was giving encouragement on the other end. The fisting made some progress, but my friends' master stopped when my slave began bleeding heavily from her vagina. It was only when me and my slave were discussing this on the drive home that I found out that while my friend was whispering encouragement, my slave was whispering "stop, stop, please stop, it hurts, ow, ow, no, stop". The thing is that I actually heard her saying this, but for some reason it did not register in my mind until later because of how tired I was. I consider failing to stop what was going on that night to be the biggest mistake I have made in my life. It was a failure as a dominant, as a friend, and as a man. The only good thing that came of the experience is the knowledge that I will never, ever repeat this mistake in my lifetime. Well, there are a couple of lessons I have learned from experience. I am hoping that there will be many more to follow from other members of this site. And to those dominants out there who are reluctant to admit that they are not perfect, remember the words of Oscar Wilde "Exprience is simply the name that we give to our mistakes". So do not think of this as admitting your mistakes, think of it as boasting your experience. [sm=goodpost.gif] Wow, thanks! Welcome to the boards!

Joseff -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 8:50:10 PM)
When you take controll of someone, be it in a scene or a relationship, you take responsibility for that person in that time. No real story behind this one, it was actually told to me by a good friend, and is so profound I repeat it at every opportunity. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality. Our first attempt at poly taught me that.

DemonKia -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 9:20:33 PM)
FR This is more of a general principle, but it seems to be particularly relevant here: Practice your patience.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 11:15:29 PM)
Most important lesson I have learned is that just because I identify as submissive doesn't mean I have to accept getting less than what I want out of any relationships I might have. As I mentioned on another post, hard limits are not just things we (on either side) WON'T do, hard limits are also things we (on both sides) must have in our relationships. Never settle for less, because in the long run, you will likely end up alone again and hurt by the experience of settling.

LadyPact -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/28/2009 11:23:28 PM)
Talk to your partner! There's very little out there that I can stress more than this. You, the reader, don't know what that person who shares your life with you is honestly capable of, until you sit down across the table and put yourself out there. I think a lot of people would be surprised, just like I was. Unless you ask, you really don't "know" the answer. Give them that chance. The worst thing they can do is say no, which is already what you're doing anyway because you haven't asked. Then...... Listen!

GYPZYQUEEN -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 12:46:30 AM)
*I am responsible for knowing and stating my needs, wants and limits..* I do not want to do scene that make me feel incompetent or disgusting.. I will not be persuaded into things I have as limits.. I have a right to have my needs met *I must follow through on promises..* dates..times..organization..protection..guidance..calls... gifts...funishments..protocol..help at events = integrity *Prepare for emergencies..* fire in building..lights out??..heart failure??diabetes and they never said.. safety scissors ready..first aid kit...check equipment *Physical safety is of the UTMOST importance and I am responsible for mine AND SOMEONE ELSE'S..* gage the sub..watch the body...safe sex...equipment prep and safety.. watching skin tone..breaths..safety in first meetings..assistant?.. are they too gone to know harm may occur?..are they saying to keep going but it is a high and they will be harmed? do I know what I am doing with this new tool?no drugs..no alcohol... Emotional safety is a top priority.. ask about abuse triggers...processing feelings..after care..are they "back"?..medical issues...feedback after..a day later....are things going "wrong?"...journals...discussions..support..praise..affection...support smooth travelling/transition between vanilla & BdsM worlds PLAY SAFE GQ

lally2 -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 3:33:00 AM)
a lesson ive learnt recently is that communication is everything. without it you cant possibly know how the other person is feeling until it all boils over. misunderstanding cuts both ways in a situation like that for the person misunderstood and the person misunderstanding. i think by then the damage is already done. so when a problem arises it needs to be cleared up straight away or itll eat away at everything and destroy it. the antithesis of that is possibly communicating too much and not just dealing with things youreself, putting too much pressure on the people around you. so its a balance. oh, and im not cut out for poly [:)]

DesFIP -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 4:40:37 AM)
You need to know what you want, otherwise you won't ever find it. All BDSM relationships are not the same, find the one that works for you and don't worry about anyone else. Relationship skills do not magically change when you get into wiitwd. You still need to be compatible. You still need to be able to talk openly and freely. If it wouldn't work for you in a nilla relationship, it won't work for you in BDSM one.

tiinkerbell -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 6:04:15 AM)
In my very short years here on earth, and in my even shorter years of relationship experience: Never assume that your partner is as happy as you are. Go out of your way, every day, to make sure that he/she is. Yes, communication is important; but sometimes, you learn more when you do nothing but listen and watch. Anybody can speak the words; but it takes patience and commitment to listen to the silence and discover that which is not said. There is more, but these two are the ones that stick the most in my mind.

CatdeMedici -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 6:44:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Joseff When you take controll of someone, be it in a scene or a relationship, you take responsibility for that person in that time. I really like this one Joseff, it is filled with more wisdom than most people know--I would add to that, taking responsibility means being able to make the tough decisions and live with them. *My other two: Claiming this as your chosen relationship framework does not absolve one of basic responsibilities.** *A whack job is a whack job, putting them in leather or restraints doesn't ensure they will change. Trust your gut.

MissJanice2 -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 8:37:07 AM)
*This is a good post.* *I am not a perfect Domme.* *First lesson learned:* *Never try to settle an arguement between two male doms. It won't work.* *Lesson two:* *Do not post in anger or if you are in a bad mood.* *Lesson three:* *In real life I have accused my slave of things he did not do, and regret it. We are learning to communicate a little better and getting back to our old selves again.* *Best Wishes,* MJ

kuriouswitch -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 9:28:04 AM)
Lesson 1: I don't have to prove myself constantly as a slave to the one I'm with. That doesn't mean that I don't do my best, behave well and improve as a slave but it does mean that if I make a mistake I don't berate myself for not being perfect, that I don't work so hard at being his slave, being perfect, that I become more of a robot than a person. Master has graced me with his collar because he chose to do so, he sees my potential and knows how to bring it out. If he's displeased we will work on it but I'm not going to be released because I dropped a plate or tripped or didn't serve his dinner just right. Lesson 2: Have a sense of humor. It's all well and good to be in high protocol but there are times when it needs to be relaxed. Masters/Doms are just as human and it's just as hard on Master being in high protocol all the time as it is for me. He needs that release, that ability to tease me and be teased back in return. He loves the slave, but he also loves the smartass who looks at him with wide eyes and a grin and zings him, doesn't happen often which makes it even better. Lesson 3: Talk, Master can't read my mind, he also can't help me if I tell him I''m fine then act out because he believed me and changed the topic onto something else. Master also can't help me with conflicting emotions if all I tell him is I"m feeling "funny" and can't explain it anymore than that. It doesn't have to be face to face, if I'm having trouble vocalizing what's going on in any way, if I didn't enjoy a scene, if I need something, or if I'm feeling at odds or feeling like being disrespectful I can go to my journal, write it all out. then ask Master to read it and know that once he's read it we'll discuss it and he'll know better than I will how to approach it. Lesson 4: The hardest lesson for me personally. It's okay to cry. lol Master's had to spend months teaching me this, if something came up, or if we did a scene and it was too much. if I started to feel the need to cry I'd shut down, that doesn't really work well when your Master is someone who is auditory and enjoys the sounds you make. I remember the first time he tried; in a safe setting; to get me to cry. I looked at him and said, "good luck" I still get ashamed and apologize if I end up crying over something and it's not "approved crying time" and he even told me yesterday, he'd rather I cry and get it out then stuff it down and suffer in silence. But crying is very cathartic, it gets the overwhelming negative emotions out, washes you clean on the inside so I can focus on serving better.

littlesarbonn -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 9:41:08 AM)
1. Never, ever cut the blue wire. It's just not a good idea. 2. Always have 3 numbers when listing important lessons you have learned.

Jeptha -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 11:32:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn 1. Never, ever cut the blue wire. It's just not a good idea. 2. Always have 3 numbers when listing important lessons you have learned. Love that, littlesarbonn! I feel like I should have a bullet list of lessons learned. I could probably come up with one if I sat down to it. And, that might not be a bad exercise. Off the top of my head: my first lesson, going way back to the beginning, was that I could pursue what I wanted - though being able to compromise at times could also be useful. The second part of that lesson was the realization that, not only could I pursue my own course, but that there might be some deckhands who would desire to sail with me. The second thing that I learned was to pay attention to my feelings; not that I had to understand them completely in the moment, but to just make note of what I was feeling. And that it was alright to have some mixed feelings. The crucial third list item was to have some guiding principles... something that could be the underlying philosophical foundation that I would be building on. These could be very general principles, but more specific goals could grow out of them.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Lessons you have learned. (4/29/2009 1:04:25 PM)
Nice first posting, Psykic! I've also learned some lessons along the way, including this one by you... Lesson 1: If you planning to be involved with someone, make sure that you both agree on terminology. I've learned most of Padriag's lessons but the ones that really hit for me were this one: Everything takes time, and you have to make time for everything. In my own life, I've changed that to: Everything takes time...make sure you HAVE to time to give to what you choose to do or DON'T choose it. and this one: Never do anything if you aren't sure what you're doing. Nice job of explaining what you meant by it, Padriag. I've learned this...and agree that it is a profound lesson too easily forgotten. Nicely stated, Joseff When you take control of someone, be it in a scene or a relationship, you take responsibility for that person in that time. And this, by DemonKia: Practice your patience. Other lessons I've learned, in some cases mentioned by others on here but which are really important to me. Honest Communication is vital. Why do I add the word "honest"? Because it has to be for the relationship to get anywhere, even to an end. If what you are saying makes you feel squirmy or uncomfortable or embarasses the hell out of you...too bad; if it is going to affect the dynamic and/or the relationship and/or if it is important to you...get it said!!!! As LadyPact said, many times you don't know what your partner will say...they may surprise you. And if their reaction is negative, then at least you know. Learn to measure the importance of all that you encounter, whether inside or outside yourself: Many things that go on inside us can have a direct effect on ourselves and/or our work and/or on our dynamic/relationship. Many things do not and are just a passing thought or something to ponder because it is new. Being able to distinguish these and apply a yardstick of importance goes a long way of learning about yourself and will help you to learn when to consider the above principal or the one below. Know when to keep your mouth shut: This falls in with the two above. Not everything needs to be said. Every day, every one of us experiences thoughts and feelings that are best left inside. Learn to distinguish those. If you'd love a three-way but know that you can live the rest of your life as the same fulfilled, happy person you are now and you know for a fact that mentioning it will damage or irrevocably change the dynamic, then keep your mouth shut. Figure out what you want and how that fits within your framework of established principals OR what new principal it leads to: Several on here have mentioned about knowing what you want and also about establishing principals. To me, those two intermesh. One of my principals is "There is room for two people in my relationship and in my dynamic but only one leader...and its not the submissive". What led to that principal was having a relationship with a submissive who more than occasionally forgot which one of us had given control over to the other. I decided that I did not want that and so, I established a principal based on what I want. Finally... If you expect me to know myself and how to control you, then you'd better be able to look inside yourself and submit if that is what you have chosen to do. I've run into many submissives who, when confronted with a difficult statement/question about themselves have answered along the lines of "i don't like to look that closely at myself" and yet, they expect the dominant...me, in this case...to have done just that with himself. Sorry, in my mind, this is one of those steps towards self-absolution of responsibility for your actions...if you don't know yourself, then you can't be expected to be responsible for knowing why you did something, right? Not in my world. I deal with adults and I expect adults to be able to face themselves, especially if they are going to face me and give up control...I want them to know not only what they are giving up but who.

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