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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 2:02:27 PM

tiinkerbell

Posts: 96
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quote:

Know what you want, but becareful what you wish for. There are so many possibilities in this lifestyle... and regardless what your kinks are... there is someone out there willing to indulge them. Anyone with enough determination could likely have just about anything you can imagine... and many of us can imagine a helluva lot! But just cause you can imagine it doesn't mean you really want it... just cause you can have it... doesn't mean you should. There are also consequences to everything, sure... you can have that threesome tonight with those two hot sluts... but where will that leave your relationship in the morning... is the price worth the admission?

quote:

Know when to keep your mouth shut: This falls in with the two above. Not everything needs to be said. Every day, every one of us experiences thoughts and feelings that are best left inside. Learn to distinguish those. If you'd love a three-way but know that you can live the rest of your life as the same fulfilled, happy person you are now and you know for a fact that mentioning it will damage or irrevocably change the dynamic, then keep your mouth shut.

quote:

Finally...
If you expect me to know myself and how to control you, then you'd better be able to look inside yourself and submit if that is what you have chosen to do. I've run into many submissives who, when confronted with a difficult statement/question about themselves have answered along the lines of "i don't like to look that closely at myself" and yet, they expect the dominant...me, in this case...to have done just that with himself. Sorry, in my mind, this is one of those steps towards self-absolution of responsibility for your actions...if you don't know yourself, then you can't be expected to be responsible for knowing why you did something, right? Not in my world. I deal with adults and I expect adults to be able to face themselves, especially if they are going to face me and give up control...I want them to know not only what they are giving up but who.

The three quoted above hit home for me. Nicely stated.
I also want to say that this,

quote:

Practice your patience.

stated by Miss DemonKia; is probably some of the best advice I have ever heard.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 2:45:05 PM

InTonguesslut

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Know, recognise and learn to stop at your limit. I'm not talking about the kind of limits we argue about so often here, but i suppose they can be counted here too. I'm talking about when we think we are capable of far more than we actually are. The i can do that syndrome when actually you really can't and you should have known it all along.

Being too pleasing. Attempting to please in ways you know will do harm or damage to yourself at that point in time.

Thinking you can fix everything, hold it together. It takes all parties to hold things together, make things work. One solo person can not do the work of both or multiple people in a relationship.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 4:48:13 PM

Psykic

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Wow, thanks everyone. I am utterly awe-struck at the wisdom that is being expressed here. When I started this thread last night, I was planning to come back today and quote a few of the best and most interesting lessons that people posted; however in order to do that, I think I would need to quote the entire thread! There is so much valuable information here. Many are things that I learned long ago, and of which I am now being reminded. I hope that this is a great exercise for everyone reading or participating in it. I hope that many of you here are learning new lessons, or at least being reminded of lessons of which you have not recently thought.

I know that I, for one, am eager to see what is posted next.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 5:10:31 PM

CreativeDominant

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I wanted to add one more lesson I've learned. It has been a hard lesson, but a valuable one:

In this world of what it is that we do, there are cowards. Perhaps no more than what you can find in the vanilla world but for many, the things that move them to do WIITWD are those things that are often brought to light more readily than what they were in the vanilla world. Running away from someone who loves you because you fear their control/relinquishment of control...disappearing when things get too stressful and just putting the axiom of "____'s out of sight, so ____'s out of mind" into play while conveniently forgetting that there is someone whose name fills that blank occurs quite often are frequent occurrences in this world. Read some threads...talk to some people and ask if it has happened to them...look at yourself. You might be in for a sad surprise. This led to another lesson and principal:

Guard your heart...but don't be so cautious that you let something that might be great slip from your hand.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 5:15:40 PM

SirJohnMandevill

Posts: 546
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Best lesson I've learned: One size does not fit all. One submissive may do some things differently from another, but there's no "better" as long as it's what you want!

Corollary: Being flexible in my desires does not make me less of a Dominant. Over the last 1 1/2 years, my sweet submissive love and I have tried various types and levels of play at my instigation. Most worked, some didn't...but we've ended up in a place both of us are extremely happy with.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kinkiness)

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 5:22:04 PM

heartfeltsub

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One of the most important lessons that i have learned is that the same term has different meanings to different people and it needs to be clarified. One person's idea of medium pain levels could and probably is another person's excrutiating. With new play partners, start light, say i'm a wimp and then let it build.

In terms of relationships, have an idea of what i am looking for, but be willing to be surprised by someone who doesn't match the blueprint.

And probably most important, know who you are and what you seek before you start seeking and a whole lot of hurt won't happen.

Edited to add one more important thing: This is all supposed to be fun, if both people in the relationship aren't getting what they need, what is the point.
heartfelt

< Message edited by heartfeltsub -- 4/29/2009 5:38:03 PM >

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 6:31:21 PM

LovingMistress45

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Lessons I have learned:

Sometimes love is not enough - I learned that with my first sub whom I was completely in love with, but it was not enough to save the relationship.

Subs lie and use Dominants - hard lessons learned the hard way.

Don't let anyone define who you are - you have to be true to yourself, someone else can't tell you how to dom or how to express your dominance.

Don't settle for less than what you want just so you are not alone - neither of you will be happy in the long run

If it doesn't feel right don't try to convince yourself that is - it isn't and you will be unhappy

I am sure there are more but I will stop for now.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 7:05:06 PM

MissJanice2

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I have one more thing to add. Never, ever, test your dominant for whatever reason. We know these things.
Best Wishes,

MJ

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 8:00:04 PM

catize

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When you can make each other laugh, you’ve got a good thing going.

Learn to really, truly, honestly let go of the inadvertent hurts.

Accept the consequences of your decisions. This one I have had to learn because there are things that I have submitted to that have altered my physical appearance. I have had some body-image issues because of those decisions. It was difficult to give up being angry at the dominant(s) and to take responsibility for it myself.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 8:11:05 PM

Redoubt

Posts: 185
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1) Never let her adoration for you let you be complacent
2) Don't buy into your own ego
3) Don't be afraid to let her see you fragile

Excellent first post ... I do hope you continue to contribute!

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 8:24:14 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
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The biggest lesson I have learned is don't compare myself to what others say D/s and BDSM should be or not be. Under that umbrella, I realized that for my life I have exactly what is needed.

oceanwinds

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 11:16:01 PM

Whiplashsmile4

Posts: 2305
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissJanice2

This is a good post.

I am not a perfect Domme.

First lesson learned:
Never try to settle an arguement between two male doms. It won't work.

Lesson two:
Do not post in anger or if you are in a bad mood.

Lesson three:
In real life I have accused my slave of things he did not do, and regret it. We are learning to communicate a little better and getting back to our old selves again.

Best Wishes,

MJ

I'm not a perfect Dom either, because I'm a human being with flaws and faults.

Regarding your lessons..

Lesson two: Do not post in anger or if you are in a bad mood.

I have made this mistake a couple of times and not repeated it since I figured out it.

Once you post something or start a thread, you can never take it back or change the words you used. It can become an upsetting and hurtful experience for your submissive partner to read your words of anger, frustration or otherwise in a bad mood.

Even worse when people start to bash your submissive for not being submissive enough or whatever else. Threads tend to spin in bad directions when you post of out anger or in a bad mood. The responses you get from other users tend to mirror it.

Keep in mind that your submissive partner may read the things you wrote, and things people post in response. In short you've just opened up your relationship for a lot of negative debate and comments in public.

Lesson three:
In real life I have accused my slave of things he did not do, and regret it. We are learning to communicate a little better and getting back to our old selves again.

I myself have done this a number of times as well. Everything is not always as black and white we'd like it to be. Communicating things a little better and differently with one another helps in enormous ways. Even more so when crazy things happen out of the oridinary. Everything is not always what it might appear to be.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 11:28:18 PM

GreedyTop

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be true to yourself
be honest with yourself and others
communicate openly, honestly and fully
trust your gut.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 11:45:15 PM

LadySweetOrSour

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As so often happens, the gorgeous Greedy has popped in and given my number one lesson learned (the hard way, naturally!!), TRUST YOUR GUT.

Before flights of angels, fancy and any other flight of fairylike perfection pops in to take me off to heaven, disneyland and the land of milk and honey, what was my absolute FIRST instinct? If it wasnt a good one, no amount of covering it in sparkles and feathers and pretty, pretty flowers is going to change it from something that should have taken first, second, third, fourth and fifth thought, into the relationship of my dreams, neverending happinesss and love, love, love covered in chocolate and sprinkles and all things perfect.

It might not be the most romantic idea in the world, but if it felt BAD, even for a minute, it probably aint going to end up the love story of the century in the long run.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/29/2009 11:51:49 PM

GreedyTop

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*waves at the gorgeous Lady*

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/30/2009 8:39:33 AM

Antheia

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Always know your partner and have a deep trust in them
That can go both ways be it Dominant or submissive. Even being with someone for several years doesn't guarantee that you know them well.
If you are submissive/slave never say never
In my own experience with former Owner if I said I would never do something chances are in the next few days I would be doing just that and often as a life lesson for me (learning I can go that much further in trusting, pain etc)
Others words you do not say to your Dominant (in my own experience) no, whatever, and wait a minute

A.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/30/2009 11:17:15 AM

ShiftedJewel

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I've learned tooo many lessons...

When a woman tells you she has to shave daily... ask where? If it's her face you could have issues.

Ask just how old are those pics?

And if they say they have dentures, ask if they actually wear them?

When someone says they're a clean freak don't believe it till you see it.

Never let them have access to your ss# or bank card.

Seek proof about what they say. And I mean serious proof!

No matter what side of the kneel they orient to, they are people first.

And I liked the one about never assuming your partner is as happy as you are (particularly when you aren't nearly as happy with that partner as you appear to be!!)

Jewel

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/30/2009 11:38:18 AM

breatheasone

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GO S-L-O-W..... take the time to find out what you are REALLY getting versus what you were TOLD you are getting.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/30/2009 11:39:09 AM

StormsSlave

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Psykic--I agree with you on the drunk part, sort of. The rest not so much. Playing in an inebriated state can be a hella good time for both parties, and is usually more spontaneous and wild. I've had some very, very good times.

Remember the next day that you have bruises and dress accordingly: It does save a lot of the, "Oh, my god! What happened?" types of questions.

Go to the bathroom before you start playing: It's a lot harder to get untied, or eek! try to wipe with your hands tied together.

Shut the fuck up: Self explanatory.

Never lie: even about the small things, like someone's shirt or someone's hairdo. People around me have learned not to dig for compliments, because I'm going to tell them the truth.

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RE: Lessons you have learned. - 4/30/2009 2:22:47 PM

silkncarol

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So many gems already shared.......

1. Be honest with yourself.
2. Expect the best from people...most of the time you'll get it.
3. Your truth might not be someone elses...and that's ok too..see rule #1
4. Never say never.
5. It's OK to use your safeword if you need to.
6. Find the silver lining...sometimes that's all you have.
7. Laugh..often

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