Take my sub.. please (Full Version)

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ITAOTIIG -> Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 7:09:50 PM)

Hello.  I wouldn't consider myself new to BDSM, but I am very new to the protocols dealing with others involved with BDSM.  I have my own ideas about what a Dominant and submissive should do, and what they (if they are so inclined) can do without tampering with the bond they share.  That said, ....

My sub is new to whole idea of BDSM.  She realized she is submissive roughly a year ago.  She's progressed quite a bit and has suggested that we go further.  As we would one day like to be poly, 'further' would involve some sort of testing of the waters to see where she would feel most comfortable; as a sub equal to her sister, as switch, or as top/bottom. 

Whew!  That said...  Would it be out of the question to ask a sub (owned/unowned), switch, or Domme to engage my sub online (chat, or maybe webcam)?  This may be an inconvenience for some, but I think this better than a physical engagement where feelings can be hurt if things don't work out. 

So, firstly, is this outside of what is considered "normal" in the BDSM community (I ask because of feedback I've gotten after a request)? Secondly, what is the best way to go about finding someone?   I wouldn't worry with a screening process with it being online.  Even the bad encounters could be ended with a click and would give us both a sample of what to expect with a physical encounter. 

She prefers to interact with females only.

Thanks in advance



DarkSteven -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 7:17:35 PM)

It isn't abnormal, but there are a lot who look down on online.  In your case, where you're just testing the waters and are looking to ease in a third with minimal issues at first, I think online would be an excellent choice for you.  The big drawback is the difficulty in finding a woman for online.  But if you allow married/taken women that are unhappy in a vanilla relationship, etc., that may make things easier.



LadyPact -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 7:19:48 PM)

I'm tired.  When I'm tired, I get cynical.

It sounds to Me that, at best, your fishing.  You want someone to waste their time in chat so someone can 'test the waters.'  The value of this would be what, in particular, to the other person?  This potential chat partner wouldn't have anything better to do, such as pursue a situation for themselves that would be worth the investment?

As worst, there is no actual sub of yours involved and you're just trying to come up with an imaginative way to get females (I noticed you weren't interested in chatting with male subs or switches) to chat or cam while you're on the other end.



dmt -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 7:37:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm tired.  When I'm tired, I get cynical.

It sounds to Me that, at best, your fishing.  You want someone to waste their time in chat so someone can 'test the waters.'  The value of this would be what, in particular, to the other person?  This potential chat partner wouldn't have anything better to do, such as pursue a situation for themselves that would be worth the investment?

As worst, there is no actual sub of yours involved and you're just trying to come up with an imaginative way to get females (I noticed you weren't interested in chatting with male subs or switches) to chat or cam while you're on the other end.

I totally agree here, the minimizing of hurt feelings is a good thing to want, but there are ways to have first meets with people and not expect anything., Coffee Shops were designed for first meets! I have had several occasions where local munches were useful as well... See the thing is, people can mask wayyyyyy to well who they are on line, and until you meet someone face to face, to get the opportunity to look into their eyes, listen to who they are, really just to see what makes them tick, you are missing out on a lot of useful information and experience. and It's my own personal opinion that this is one of the major reasons why we're on this site. Experience. community, relationships with people that have similar intrests. Skipping a step in the process could wind up leaving you more unfufilled in the long run. but hey it's late and I'm rambling...



ITAOTIIG -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 7:53:47 PM)

Why even "waste the time" to post such negative, insinuating posts? 

If I wanted to be dominated, LadyPact, I'd ask to be dominated.  If I wanted to be dominated while I pretended to be a sub, I'd ask for that.  This IS a site that caters to kinks, afterall.

What I wrote in the initial post is what I want.  For my sub. 

As for what the other party gets from the encounter, that's up to them.  Perhaps they want to taste the newness, or aid in her exploration of a new frontier, or maybe they get their jollies by temporarily stepping outside of their 'bottom' position and using what they've learned on someone else.  Frankly, my only concern is for my sub and what she (and consequently, I) get out of it.

If this is not something you're interested in, or if you're afraid that I may be tricking you into something, then move on.  You don't sound like the type I'd have her involved with anyway.



Lockit -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 7:56:25 PM)

I'm tired too and I agree with LP... moving along now...



sirsholly -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:00:28 PM)

 i agree with LadyP and Lockit

ITAOIIG...you be sure to let us all know how this works for you



DrkJourney -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:01:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm tired.  When I'm tired, I get cynical.

It sounds to Me that, at best, your fishing.  You want someone to waste their time in chat so someone can 'test the waters.'  The value of this would be what, in particular, to the other person?  This potential chat partner wouldn't have anything better to do, such as pursue a situation for themselves that would be worth the investment?

As worst, there is no actual sub of yours involved and you're just trying to come up with an imaginative way to get females (I noticed you weren't interested in chatting with male subs or switches) to chat or cam while you're on the other end.



What she said, especially paragraph two



antipode -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:04:51 PM)

quote:

Would it be out of the question to ask a sub (owned/unowned), switch, or Domme to engage my sub online (chat, or maybe webcam)?


Is there a reason why she cannot join a forum and talk to others herself? I always get these big question marks when a "dom" acts on behalf of his "sub" - I always have my sub write her own emails and postings, have a lot of other stuff to do. Weird.



DrkJourney -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:13:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ITAOTIIG

Why even "waste the time" to post such negative, insinuating posts? 

If I wanted to be dominated, LadyPact, I'd ask to be dominated.  If I wanted to be dominated while I pretended to be a sub, I'd ask for that.  This IS a site that caters to kinks, afterall.

What I wrote in the initial post is what I want.  For my sub. 

As for what the other party gets from the encounter, that's up to them.  Perhaps they want to taste the newness, or aid in her exploration of a new frontier, or maybe they get their jollies by temporarily stepping outside of their 'bottom' position and using what they've learned on someone else.  Frankly, my only concern is for my sub and what she (and consequently, I) get out of it.

If this is not something you're interested in, or if you're afraid that I may be tricking you into something, then move on.  You don't sound like the type I'd have her involved with anyway.


um because when you post on the boards you are asking for other's opinions and that is what she gave you.   I don't really think she was bashing she is saying what it looked like to her, and how it probably looks to others....if you are serious, all you have to do is take what she said as constructive, maybe take into consideration what she said and amend your approach when you send that all important email to the next lady.  Maybe you will have the results you are after.

I notice you have a vanilla cone, not sure if you are actually new here on the site, just on the boards or made a profile just for the boards....I doubt if you are new to the net, so you have to know how many guys are here pretend to be women to trick other men, and also trick women using the story along the lines of what you wrote to manipulate them into cyber.  I know I've had my fair share of wanting "help" fake pics included.

I'm sure you are being up front and honest about what you are looking for...but you have to understand..."we" don't know you, so we have to go by what we see, you just have to be patient and make them, meaning the person you are trying to approach for your "test" understand.

I do wish you good luck on your search.  Anything is possible and nothing is the norm.



ITAOTIIG -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:21:11 PM)

We both have other names we use.  This is the name we use together.  But..

Wouldn't the result be the same if it were her? lol  If she typed the question, would you be able to tell it was her typing? JFC

I posted the question because (as I mentioned in the initial post) she is MUCH newer to BDSM than I.  She'd post it if I instructed her to, but wouldn't it be easier this way? 

Suspicious?  Really?




Lashra -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:21:11 PM)

You might find someone interested in this type of play but let them know up front that its an online thing only, at least for now. I personally would not be interested in this type of thing, I prefer real life relationships but to each their own.

~Lashra



beargonewild -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:28:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ITAOTIIG

Why even "waste the time" to post such negative, insinuating posts? 

If I wanted to be dominated, LadyPact, I'd ask to be dominated.  If I wanted to be dominated while I pretended to be a sub, I'd ask for that.  This IS a site that caters to kinks, afterall.

What I wrote in the initial post is what I want.  For my sub. 

As for what the other party gets from the encounter, that's up to them.  Perhaps they want to taste the newness, or aid in her exploration of a new frontier, or maybe they get their jollies by temporarily stepping outside of their 'bottom' position and using what they've learned on someone else.  Frankly, my only concern is for my sub and what she (and consequently, I) get out of it.

If this is not something you're interested in, or if you're afraid that I may be tricking you into something, then move on.  You don't sound like the type I'd have her involved with anyway.


Oy.....step back and actually listen to what she is saying ok?  As a few posters stated, doing online only is too much of a gamble trying to find a suitable sub or even a suitable dom. Yea the internet makes things easier yet also has people becoming lazy and not putting any effort to actually meeting another at a coffee shop or other neutral place.

You stated that you aren't new to BDSM so you should also know that there is no normal set of standards here. The thing with working towards a poly situation is you and your sub have to meet a third and all of you need to come clear on exactly what all three of you want and expect in a triad. Try to do so on an equal footing where all involved are face to face as equals without the labels.

If you and your sub want to meet potential candidates for a third....then go to clubs, attend munches and such.



LadyPact -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:29:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ITAOTIIG

Why even "waste the time" to post such negative, insinuating posts? 

If I wanted to be dominated, LadyPact, I'd ask to be dominated.  If I wanted to be dominated while I pretended to be a sub, I'd ask for that.  This IS a site that caters to kinks, afterall.

What I wrote in the initial post is what I want.  For my sub. 

As for what the other party gets from the encounter, that's up to them.  Perhaps they want to taste the newness, or aid in her exploration of a new frontier, or maybe they get their jollies by temporarily stepping outside of their 'bottom' position and using what they've learned on someone else.  Frankly, my only concern is for my sub and what she (and consequently, I) get out of it.

If this is not something you're interested in, or if you're afraid that I may be tricking you into something, then move on.  You don't sound like the type I'd have her involved with anyway.


Calling it how it seems isn't an attempt to Dominate in any way.  My opinion of it wouldn't have changed if I happened to be a sub.  You asked for an opinion and you got it.  The fact that you didn't like it has little, if nothing to do with Me.  So does whether the site caters this particular 'kink' or not.

As for the thought that you might be tricking Me, highly unlikely.  Whether or not you're looking to trick anyone else is debatable.  I told you My impression of your post so you can draw your own conclusions on how it looks.

I'm quite sure that you wouldn't want your sub to be involved with Me at all.  After all, what would your sub be interested in to be associated with a Dominant such as Myself?  I've certainly never proven Myself to anyone about anything.  I'll let folks decide for themselves about that.



PhoenixRed -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:48:16 PM)

I agree with antipode.   That's what forums are for...asking questions of those with experience, getting advice, seeing how other folks have dealt with problems in their poly relationships, etc.  Having a "surrogate" person to chat with online isn't the same as building trust with someone that is considering joining your dynamic.  For your sub, it's also not the same as interacting "for real" in a role they want to explore. 

I also agree with Lady Pact and others that wondered...what's in it for that "surrogate"?  Making a personal connection with someone is what makes any kind of relationship dynamic successful.  It also takes quite a bit of time to do so.  Most of us don't have copious free time to do that for someone we're not really vested into.  If this online "surrogate" isn't going to be in your dynamic, and you're just looking for some kind of mentor, then say that.  If you actually want to look for someone to add to your dynamic, do that, with the explanation up front that this is uncharted territory for both you and your sub.

I'm all for mentoring for both dominants and submissives looking to learn and explore.  But, for me at least, that mentoring, if it's going to only be online, revolves around discussing feelings, situations, expectations, apprehensions, etc. I'll talk to people about the ups and downs I've experienced in my poly relationship and how they were handled.  It doesn't take the form of online role play.



SailingBum -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 8:54:50 PM)

Im sure you can find somebody to whack off with online.  Weird or normal who's to say.

BadOne



ITAOTIIG -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 9:00:21 PM)

Okay, thanks for the advice guys.  It's been insightful.

Does anyone know of an Adult version of CollarMe?



beargonewild -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 9:01:15 PM)

Yea...first star to the right and on 'til morning.



stella41b -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 9:04:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ITAOTIIG

Okay, thanks for the advice guys.  It's been insightful.

Does anyone know of an Adult version of CollarMe?


And exactly what makes you think you've graduated?



SteelofUtah -> RE: Take my sub.. please (4/14/2009 9:05:05 PM)

ITAOTIIG,

Okay lets start out like this. I don't know you and what you are suggesting is not something I would ever condone because you are comparing apples and Pick-up Trucks. Cause sure Apples can be moved by Pick-up trucks but not all pick-up trucks are gunna contain apples. (Did I lose a lot of you?)

What I am saying is that the Online concept of BDSM can be very different than BDSM but not always, however the Online concept of "Poly" (Your words however that isn't what I'd call it) and actually being involved and being emotionally invested in more than one person and manageing time with more than one person beyond a computer screen...WAYYYYYYYY different.

As for what you preceive as Insinuating Posts, Look I read the same thing everyone else did and got the same feeling. So I believe it was your post that presented the idea to be insinuated. As for that..... Stiff Upper Lip.

What I can say is that there  is not BDSM Rule Book, Trust me on this I googled it, anyone who tried to use the word Normal for ANYTHING is asking to be asked the age old question ... What exactly IS normal. If you can find someone willing to be a Cyber Interest GREAT, however sniffing around for one is bound to get you nasty messages and more "Insinuations" that's just the nature of the beast my friend.

Insinuation of my own if you will..... Talk to your girl and ask her what she wants and then let her find what she wants for HER and you find what you want for you. then Discuss your selections and then make introductions. If you aren't sure you want a Poly Realtionship then I would suggest waiting to do that until Not really sure becomes "We Know what we want, now we just gotta find it"

Just some Ideas Mate.

Seriously, Stiff upper lip.

Steel



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