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RE: One special sub or many? - 4/9/2009 7:23:08 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I am polyamorous, and anyone entering my household knows this. I'm already married to my co-dominant, and I pretty much have envisioned our household as a girl that is mostly his and a boy that is mostly mine, and that is coming together.

I have no problem sharing our girl. I consider her mostly his, and make sure that he is not needing her to be doing something if I decide I need her to do something.

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(in reply to LAgirlsub)

Post #: 21

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/10/2009 12:11:42 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LAgirlsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

Perhaps a thread for the subs...One special Domme or many?.......

You know that might be a good thread....I'd like to know...How do the doms feel about a sub who isn't exclusively yours?

Personally, I feel that the sub in question could walk his ass out of My door. I have no time in My life for anyone acting like a free agent, spending his time with another Dominant as if he had his own free will. If that's what a sub wants, they can absolutely have it, but I won't be in the picture and My collar certainly won't be on his neck!

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LAgirlsub)

Post #: 22

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/10/2009 9:22:33 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

jealousy is something to consider as well. i am a submissive and when i first watched my M'Lady play with another i was jealous and had to deal with it. my M'Lady is poly and my desire is to please Her. i am special to Her and i wear Her collar with pride. i am OK now watching Her play with others now and find enjoyment in Her happiness. the dynamic that i am in allows for the play with others and possibly more subs in the dynamic. for your situation i would recommend as others have and to respectfully talk with yours and decide what is right for you.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 23

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/10/2009 11:42:42 PM

slvemike4u

Posts: 17896
Joined: 1/15/2008
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: LAgirlsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

Perhaps a thread for the subs...One special Domme or many?.......

You know that might be a good thread....I'd like to know...How do the doms feel about a sub who isn't exclusively yours?

Personally, I feel that the sub in question could walk his ass out of My door. I have no time in My life for anyone acting like a free agent, spending his time with another Dominant as if he had his own free will. If that's what a sub wants, they can absolutely have it, but I won't be in the picture and My collar certainly won't be on his neck!

Lady Pact,I do hope You understand it was a completely hypothetical question.....I would never think of such a situation for my own perverted pleasure....

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 24

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/17/2009 12:33:37 AM

LAgirlsub

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/16/2009
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Well, I'll just speak as myself - sub or not - this part of the dom/sub relationship seems so one sided to me. I don't know if I'd want more then one dom (as if I've had one yet) however, I have no intention of promising someone I'm with at this time in my life exclusivity. It's not the right decision for me and if that means some women won't consider playing with me, I suppose that's how it will be.

I want to learn, grow, experiment and please the woman I'm with; yet this does not mean I wouldn't consider other play partners and I don't intend on being collared. Maybe we do define our relationships in bdsm as we do any other. I hope I can find open-minded doms who don't see me as either property or without other potential play interests. It's actually something I'm concerned with regarding a young dom I just met. Even though I've stated this empathically (I don't want to hurt someone by not being upfront), I'm concerned she agrees but might want more then I can offer. Again, not so different then any other relationship. Sometimes my darn honesty can get in the way of having a good time.

But is this the prevailing attitude? That doms can have as many subs or slaves as they like but a sub or slave submitting to more then one dom is a problem? As I start to form my own view of how I want to have bdsm relationships, I very much want regular, 'real world' interactions - where we are equals - and when in 'play mode' is when we are doms and subs.

What do others think about this?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 25

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/17/2009 7:14:33 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I can only give you My perspective, LAgirlsub. I'm sure many others will have opinions that are different from Mine.

There's really two topics going on in these last few responses on this thread. One is about D/s and the other is about play. When I say "play" I'm specifically referring to S/m and not sex. I'm also not talking about personal service. I'm literally talking about the Top/bottom scenario, which has nothing to do with Dominance and submission.

As far as play goes, I've always allowed clip to have experiences with other people. There are certain guidelines, of course, but I don't mind him playing with experienced Tops. I'm a pretty good ticket when it comes to play, but none of us knows everything or is capable of doing everything. For example, I'm not a rope person, so if he wants the thrill of being tied, I'd rather he did that with someone else. (I'm more the let's get you restrained so I can put a hurt on you type.) I have no problem with him having that rope scene that he would enjoy but would bore the crap out of Me.

It's the D/s, authority transfer dynamic that's created the bond. I don't share that, even with My husband, who is also Dominant. While clip is a member of this poly family as a whole, his submission belongs to Me as part of the terms of his wearing My collar. Though some submissives don't have that craving of ownership, clip does very much. In fact, it's part of what has led him to be submissive in the first place. Belonging to a Dominant helps to stabilize and center him. In My good fortune, that would happen to be Me.

The reason that I feel I function best when a sub only belongs to one D type, while a D can have more than one, is My personal desire for a poly family that is based on D/s. I want to create that family, not just for Myself, but for all of the members of it. In fact, when My other half is home again, I have high hopes that he'll find a girl for himself. (Would be kind of odd if I were the only female in the house.) Should I want to add another, it isn't just for Me, but also for clip to have a brother sub who can be a part of his life as well. I want to create that household for all of us, and allow all of us to have the benefits from it, as it fits our respective needs.

So, I guess what I'm so poorly saying is, I don't have any problem should My boys want to go out and play. I just want them to know when it's time to come home.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LAgirlsub)

Post #: 26

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/17/2009 8:50:41 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

The question may revolve around whether subs that give deeply of themselves have the right to ask to be special in the eyes of their Mistresses? Is asking for exclusivity in one area a reasonable request for a sub to make of his Mistress?

First, while a submissive individual may not -ask- to be special, most Keepers do find that they appreciate certain aspects of their servants, and that each servant has certain characteristics that endear hir to hir Keeper. However, much like someone who asks to be loved, it isn't something that can be requested. I may not care that you take it up the ass for me, and I may have a dozen boys that do that for me--that -doesn't- mean that there isn't something else (musical talent, diligence, a particular way of smiling, etc.) that particularly endears -you- to Me.

Second, asking for exclusivity in one area is -fine- as long as that is something that is negotiated within your relationship. If it isn't something that your Keeper is going to agree to (or your servant is going to agree to, from the other end of the kneel), then asking for or expecting such is not a realistic way to nurture the relationship.

The person you -really- need to be talking to about your confusion is your Lady. She's the only one who will be able to help you to sort this out. From that point, it comes down to "can I or can't I live in a healthy, growth-promoting way, within the confines of this relationship."

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to seekingdiscovery)

Post #: 27

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/17/2009 9:10:53 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Actually, I can get the OP's thoughts on this one. By reading the post, this is something that he and the Domme in question have been working on with him for some time. To him, it is something special that he is becoming open to doing because it is something he is giving in his submission that is valuable to him. This can often be the case when a submissive is approaching venturing into a new frontier.

Obviously, there is some more communication needed on the subject to establish the importance each of them is placing on these particular acts. If one of the parties is placing a high value of loyalty, commitment, bonding, and intimacy on them and the other isn't, there could be a mismatch of compatibility. Sometimes, it isn't just the kink, but what the kink means to each of the individuals participating.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 28

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/17/2009 9:34:50 AM

LRODANDMASTER

Posts: 161
Joined: 7/13/2005
Status: offline

1 SPECIAL SUB OR MANY? HONESTLY IT DEPENDS ON HOW HUGNRY I AM. NORMALLY 1 IS ENOUG ESPECAILLY WITH MEATS BUT LIKE IF IM REALLY HUNGRY AND HAVENT EATIN ALL DAY I MITE GO FOR 2 OR MORE.

(in reply to seekingdiscovery)

Post #: 29

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/18/2009 12:26:24 AM

LAgirlsub

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/16/2009
Status: offline

Thank you Lady Pact. You did explain well what your particular needs are and how you see either 'play' or from your perspective, the more intimate and familial situation of d/s. Otay.

I suppose for myself as I try to work my way through the various dynamics is that I might want a relationship somewhere between these two guideposts if you will...not just play with a person I don't know well and haven't established some kind of friendly relationship with...yet not a family, live-in situation. Do we have a bdsm equivalent of 'friends with benefits' (maybe very special friends with benefits)?

Hopefully I'll find some doms that can accept that I'm not in place in life for exclusivity with anyone - dom or not.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 30

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/18/2009 1:52:19 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

You're welcome, LAgirlsub. As I said when answering the question, different people are going to have different answers and motivations. One of the great things about doing this is you get to do it the way that's right for you.

There are absolutely "Dom with benefits" type situations out there. Heck, there's everything out there, which still never ceases to amaze Me. Whatever it is that you think you'd like to do, there's a very good chance that someone else will want that exact same thing.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LAgirlsub)

Post #: 31

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/18/2009 2:55:54 AM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

LAgirlsub wrote: Do we have a bdsm equivalent of 'friends with benefits' (maybe very special friends with benefits)?

Kinky friends with benefits!

Have you joined any local groups? It shouldn't be too hard to find people to play with.

beeble.

_____________________________

Kita's owned slutpet.

(in reply to LAgirlsub)

Post #: 32

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/18/2009 4:31:07 AM

pixidustpet

Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LAgirlsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

Perhaps a thread for the subs...One special Domme or many?.......

You know that might be a good thread....I'd like to know...How do the doms feel about a sub who isn't exclusively yours?

i'm in that situation. in the process of divorce, i moved away from the state where Daddy lives. he knew and approved that i was going to eventually marry TheEngineer, and that i would be entering a D/s relationship with him. at the same time, Daddy refused to release me.

so yes, i'm collared to both of them, but Daddy is now an online only relationship, we're still close, i love them both, they are fully aware of each other's importance in my life. its probably not the type of sharing you were thinking of, but that's how things are here.

kitten, thoughtfully.

(in reply to LAgirlsub)

Post #: 33

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/19/2009 8:06:45 PM

LAgirlsub

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/16/2009
Status: offline

I haven't beeble. I'm not sure I'm ready to be in public and search for a play partner. I know we have groups here in LA, but when I've looked it didn't feel right for me.

(in reply to beeble)

Post #: 34

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/21/2009 1:10:25 PM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

LAgirlsub wrote: I haven't beeble. I'm not sure I'm ready to be in public and search for a play partner. I know we have groups here in LA, but when I've looked it didn't feel right for me.

*nod* Many groups have mailing lists that you can join so you can get to know people a bit before you take the plunge and meet them in the flesh.

By way of a disclaimer, I've been to exactly one group and to only two events. One was an almost entirely non-kinky dinner at a restaurant, where we chatted about random stuff and also a little kink; the other was a play party. OK, and further disclaimer is that this was 4,500 miles from home and I had Kita with me to hold my hand. So I didn't have the oh-my-god-what-if-I-meet-somebody-I-know factor and, on the other hand, I knew I did have a friend there so it wasn't a room full of complete strangers.

Anyway, disclaimers aside, I found it a tremendously positive experience. It very comforting to be among people who would understand my relationship with Kita. It was very special to be at the party, wearing her collar in front of other people who knew what it meant.

So, when you feel it's right for you, I'd very much recommend you join a group.

beeble.

_____________________________

Kita's owned slutpet.

(in reply to LAgirlsub)

Post #: 35

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/21/2009 1:30:57 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

For what it's worth: the first time I went to a BDSM club I walked past the door three times before I plucked up the courage to go in. I then changed into my 'costume' - required for entry - and felt hideously embarrassed for a further twenty minutes. (It didn't help that my outfit was completely unlike anyone else's - the only thing that felt right to me was a bit of sackcloth around my waist and not a stitch else.) One thing, though: I've nearly always found the people at those clubs to be friendly, polite and 'normal' to talk to.

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http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to LAgirlsub)

Post #: 36

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/24/2009 10:30:51 AM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

QUESTION:
was this discussed BEFORE you became hers..??

I am currently looking and many subs say this is a limit( to be the one)
...for them
wheather I agree or not is neither here nor there...
they need to know I wish more than one.
.if I say they will be the only one... I am misrepresenting myself...
If they say
it is ok and it is not they will be unhappy..
I also cannot take a sub knowing it is a limit and think "oh I will push this later.."
unless of course a soft limit..

so then..
you are already IN THE SITUATION so need to TALK TALK TALK

**discuss what special means to each...is it as in special realtionship or special acts that only one does??
**discuss if there is a position sytem here..#1 etc
**discuss YOUR feelings..with I messages....( not you ... you... messages)
I am feeling confused when I hear that another is...........
I am am concerned that I................when...
When I hear another sub is coming I feel.........................because ...
can we talk about it??

sounds like unfortunately ASSUMPTIONS were made...
IF YOU BECOME very unhappy you know what to do...

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 4/24/2009 10:36:54 AM >

(in reply to LAgirlsub)

Post #: 37

RE: One special sub or many? - 4/24/2009 10:37:32 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

<<<Completely devistated by the thought of Peon in a bit of sackcloth! I think I need to lay down...

+

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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)

Post #: 38

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