RE: H = R / E

RE: H = R / E (Full Version)

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Danibelle -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 6:33:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened I mention this in about every third post I respond to. The definition of disappointment is when circumstances fail to meet our expectations. We write and internal script and since no one else has read our script the play bombs. What if we change expectation to goal? Having a goal means we first know what we want and a goal should suggest that we have come up with some idea of how it is achieved or at least a direction to travel. It is far less depressing to say "I haven't yet reached my goal" than to say "I guess I'll have to lower my expectations." A goal is a horizon, an expectation is a wall. This theory is all about having too many expectations to be happy, which makes sense. When something doesn't go your way it makes you less happy. This works for most things. Let's say when I woke up this morning I, living in NYC in early spring, expected to be able to wear cut-off jeans without a jacket and expected it to be warm and for the sun to be out. If I really felt that way, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. BUT you're 100% right about relationships being different. I think it's a perfect idea to change the word expectation to goal. Who here hasn't tried something the first time, it didn't work out as planned, so you try again? I know I have. By your improved theory, if I don't do what I initially intended but I really tried, then I didn't fail, I simply got one step closer to me goal. That's much better sounding and it's also far more accurate.

subtlebutterfly -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 6:34:06 AM)
More expectations = more disappointments. I can't believe a dude was able to write a whole book about H=R/E! Now THAT's talent! [sm=jaw.gif]

TaoWoman -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 6:42:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened I mention this in about every third post I respond to. The definition of disappointment is when circumstances fail to meet our expectations. We write and internal script and since no one else has read our script the play bombs. What if we change expectation to goal? Having a goal means we first know what we want and a goal should suggest that we have come up with some idea of how it is achieved or at least a direction to travel. It is far less depressing to say "I haven't yet reached my goal" than to say "I guess I'll have to lower my expectations." A goal is a horizon, an expectation is a wall. I agree totally with the above post by eyesopened and would expand it to this: When in relationships, a goal is shared and becomes a living energy between the two involved - it's success dependent upon the contributions of both. In regards to the OP's original question, I actually do not focus on happiness - I appreciate it when it is present but it is never my goal or expectation. Joy, on the other hand, is something I strive to acheive in my daily life and is totally nondependent on others. As to expectations, I work at not attaching any emotion to them at all. They fall into a catagory with choice and consequence and I do my best not to give them any power to affect my joy~

InTonguesslut -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 6:51:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly More expectations = more disappointments. I can't believe a dude was able to write a whole book about H=R/E! Now THAT's talent! [sm=jaw.gif] Lol SHE didn't. It's a novel about a school massacre (fictional) not all about the quote.

LaTigresse -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 7:06:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TaoWoman quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened I mention this in about every third post I respond to. The definition of disappointment is when circumstances fail to meet our expectations. We write and internal script and since no one else has read our script the play bombs. What if we change expectation to goal? Having a goal means we first know what we want and a goal should suggest that we have come up with some idea of how it is achieved or at least a direction to travel. It is far less depressing to say "I haven't yet reached my goal" than to say "I guess I'll have to lower my expectations." A goal is a horizon, an expectation is a wall. I agree totally with the above post by eyesopened and would expand it to this: When in relationships, a goal is shared and becomes a living energy between the two involved - it's success dependent upon the contributions of both. In regards to the OP's original question, I actually do not focus on happiness - I appreciate it when it is present but it is never my goal or expectation. Joy, on the other hand, is something I strive to acheive in my daily life and is totally nondependent on others. As to expectations, I work at not attaching any emotion to them at all. They fall into a catagory with choice and consequence and I do my best not to give them any power to affect my joy~ I wanted to emphasize the part I bolded. TaoWoman and I think alike in this regard. Happiness to me, is like an unexpected little present. Rather like one of those perfect weather days, here in Iowa. They can be rare, I don't expect them, but when they happen, they are a delight to be treasured and enjoyed. Living with joy is an entirely different cuppa and not dependent upon any external influences at all. Another thing that I see popping up is expectations of other people. All too often we place completely unrealistic expectations on others, even on ourselves. We base those expectations on what we want, or wish, them to be, instead of the reality of who they, or we, are. Then we allow ourselves to be disappointed when those unrealistic expectations were not met. It is a self defeating, vicious circle.

YoursMistress -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 7:17:56 AM)
I have lived through trying to increase my happiness by reducing my expectations and I can tell you that it doesn't work. This line of thought leads me into deprivation spiral. A better approach is to let go of results as expectations and focus on my actions and in being present and in the moment. If my expectations are to live fully and with integrity, I can be happy despite any results. yours

agirl -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 7:25:41 AM)
This is the reason that I can say that I don't disappoint M. Even if I don't manage to do everything he asks, he's not disappointed or unhappy. His happiness doesn't rely on me doing stuff......and it hard to disappoint someone that has a very realistic idea of you, unless you do something heinously out of character. I'm not going to bed at a certain time for HIS benefit......it's for my own. I'm also not letting him down if I don't manage to do what he asks. I've just not managed to and the person that loses out on the benefits ...is me. He gets what he expects from me and I get what I expect from him and unless either of deliberately sets out to disappoint the other , it'd be hard to do. agirl

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 7:31:43 AM)
I think the simplicity of the theory is being over analyzed. If you replace the R in the equation with the word Realistic Expectations and the E with Unrealistic Expectatioin then the forumula sums up what most everyone here is sayiing. The probability of happiness increases exponentially as ones realistic expectations exceed ones unrealistic expecations. Granted, this is coming from the woman who had to get her son to do her college math homework.

SailingBum -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 8:45:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: persephonee quote: ORIGINAL: subangi quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum Other ppl can't make you happy. Only you can make YOU happy. BadOne But, but....BadOne, you make me happy. Hey there, subangi...get offa mah man![;)]. Just kidding, hes way too crabby for me! blinkblink but i hear there is a fan club. You tell her perse!... ahhh wait did you just call me crabby??? I fired the last pres of my fan club for mutiny. I have no clue why I respond to the OP... she never will get it. off to cut my grass BadOne

SirDominic -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 9:01:33 AM)
I believe it is not the level of expectation that is important; rather the importance you place on any expectations. You can have as few or as many expectations as you think is best, and as long as the outcome of those expectations carries little importance to your happiness, you will rarely be disappointed. As some others already mentioned, being happy IS a personal choice. You can look, for example, at the current state of the economy here is the U.S. and either choose despair, or know that there is very little one person can do to change any of it and make a conscious choice to be happy in the face of struggle. We really are responsible for our own happiness, each one of us within ourselves.

LaTigresse -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 10:43:43 AM)
Hey, over lunch, I went and got more fresh flowers for my desk, and some dark chocolate.........life is goooooooooooood!

DavanKael -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 1:36:48 PM)
I don't think it's as straight-forward as that as different expectations carry different weight, so if I have 10 expectations of varying weight but 3 that have substantial weight, I don't think it's reasonable to quantify them in the fashion that was described by the book that you're reading. I am not suggesting that it's not a potentially valid quantifier in a limited sense but I think it is just that, limited. Davan

Prinsexx -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 1:40:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut A book i'm reading suggests happiness equals reality divided by expectation, hence the H=R/E title [:D] This then would suggest the more expectations we have the less happiness we would tend to have due to expectations not being met. For example if Dom A has 25 expectations of his sub and Dom B has 10 then obviously Dom A has a higher happiness number. This is assuming reality is the same number for all of us. Dom A - 100 / 25 = 4 Dom B - 100 / 10 = 10 I don't do systematic intelligence very well because I mostly run on emotional intelligence....(humour me ok?)..... and yes this totally depends upon being able to quantify happiness.... which just can't be done unless one is still driven by the Protestant Ethic....

InTonguesslut -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 3:00:03 PM)
quote: I have no clue why I respond to the OP... she never will get it. off to cut my grass I don't know why you bother either my little case of thrush [:D]

cjan -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 3:13:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: TaoWoman quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened I mention this in about every third post I respond to. The definition of disappointment is when circumstances fail to meet our expectations. We write and internal script and since no one else has read our script the play bombs. What if we change expectation to goal? Having a goal means we first know what we want and a goal should suggest that we have come up with some idea of how it is achieved or at least a direction to travel. It is far less depressing to say "I haven't yet reached my goal" than to say "I guess I'll have to lower my expectations." A goal is a horizon, an expectation is a wall. I agree totally with the above post by eyesopened and would expand it to this: When in relationships, a goal is shared and becomes a living energy between the two involved - it's success dependent upon the contributions of both. In regards to the OP's original question, I actually do not focus on happiness - I appreciate it when it is present but it is never my goal or expectation. Joy, on the other hand, is something I strive to acheive in my daily life and is totally nondependent on others. As to expectations, I work at not attaching any emotion to them at all. They fall into a catagory with choice and consequence and I do my best not to give them any power to affect my joy~ I wanted to emphasize the part I bolded. TaoWoman and I think alike in this regard. Happiness to me, is like an unexpected little present. Rather like one of those perfect weather days, here in Iowa. They can be rare, I don't expect them, but when they happen, they are a delight to be treasured and enjoyed. Living with joy is an entirely different cuppa and not dependent upon any external influences at all. Another thing that I see popping up is expectations of other people. All too often we place completely unrealistic expectations on others, even on ourselves. We base those expectations on what we want, or wish, them to be, instead of the reality of who they, or we, are. Then we allow ourselves to be disappointed when those unrealistic expectations were not met. It is a self defeating, vicious circle. Folks either get what TaoWoman and LaT say regarding happiness being conditional and joy rather less so, or they don't. It's an experiential, not a theoretical experience. But, yes, I agree, it is quite possible to live in a quiet state of joy, regardless of conditions or expectations. Chasing happiness and expectations is, imo and experience, reaching for the wrong ring. Isn't it intersting how folks come to this realization by different paths? Some through meditation, others by simply living mindfully and close to nature.

Jeptha -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 7:46:36 PM)
I think expectations are ok, as long as you realize that there are always going to be exceptions to every rule (excluding possibly some laws of physics, death, taxes, and a few other exceptions that just prove the rule...literally!) I expect my car to start tomorrow morning and the next, etc; but I realize that one day it will not. I expect my interactions with others to be generally pleasant, but I realize that there will sometimes be exceptions to that rule. People can be particularly tricky to place expectations upon because they are such free agents; subject to their own whimsical thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. I think having expectations is ok, as long as one takes into account variability.

antipode -> RE: H = R / E (3/31/2009 8:19:04 PM)
quote: actions in placing reasonable levels of expectation that would bring you happiness I read through what you posted here, it is just total anathema to me that you would think happiness is a calculation. It is an emotion, or if you like to go deep rooted, it is an incentive to prefer certain types of behaviour over others. It is just as likely you will be happy when you achieve a goal (because it is a completed action) as it is you will be unhappy at achieving a goal (because there is no other goal). There is no way to calculate the eventual outcome of an action before that action takes place, regardless of how much information one has - the brain functions not in logical ways, but biochemically, and there still is much we do not understand about it. Even "assuming reality is the same number for all of us" would have me concerned - reality isn't calculable, and it most certainly can't be compared between people. I could go on, but I'll spare you.

eyesopened -> RE: H = R / E (4/1/2009 2:46:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jeptha I think expectations are ok, as long as you realize that there are always going to be exceptions to every rule (excluding possibly some laws of physics, death, taxes, and a few other exceptions that just prove the rule...literally!) I expect my car to start tomorrow morning and the next, etc; but I realize that one day it will not. I expect my interactions with others to be generally pleasant, but I realize that there will sometimes be exceptions to that rule. People can be particularly tricky to place expectations upon because they are such free agents; subject to their own whimsical thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. I think having expectations is ok, as long as one takes into account variability. Absolutely! But think of it this way. If I simply expect my car to start tomorrow and the next day etc and simply realize there will be sometimes the car won't start, well that is a happier outlook than just worrying about it. If my goal is for my car to start in the morning, then I will do the kind of actions to assure as best I can that it will start. I will make sure the car has the necessary maintenance to achieve my goal. If my goal is to have pleasant interactions with people today then I will greet people with cheefulness and count the number of pleasant interactions and my goal will have been met more easily when I adjust my actions (the only ones I can control) to meet this goal. Just my view on things but it works for me.

InTonguesslut -> RE: H = R / E (4/1/2009 6:11:25 AM)
quote: I read through what you posted here, it is just total anathema to me that you would think happiness is a calculation. I really wish people would learn to read. I never said i believed it, i put it out as a discussion point, theres a difference.

Jeptha -> RE: H = R / E (4/1/2009 7:12:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened ... If my goal is for my car to start in the morning, then I will do the kind of actions to assure as best I can that it will start. I will make sure the car has the necessary maintenance to achieve my goal. If my goal is to have pleasant interactions with people today then I will greet people with cheefulness and count the number of pleasant interactions and my goal will have been met more easily when I adjust my actions (the only ones I can control) to meet this goal... I like your goal language. It seems based on a more interactive model. To say you expect something does seem sort of static, as if you expect circumstances outside of your control to just be a certain way. To conform to your desire somehow. Calling it a goal seems to recognize the degree in which we can influence things. Calls to mind a process, rather than just an end point. A "how", as well as a "what"... More holistic, and all that. There seems to be a bit more emphasis on achievement, rather than perfection, that way, too, somehow.

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