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RE: Background Check - 1/26/2006 10:19:14 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 391
Joined: 1/3/2006
Status: offline 		This isn't the first time that the idea of doing background checks has been floated on here...and personally i find the idea distatseful. I am not applying for the job as somebody's Dom. If you want to do a background check on me, then you better be offering to pay me by the hour afterwards.
And just to save anybody the trouble of wondering...I have not been to prison, I have been arrested, I have terrible, terrible credit, and my ex thinks I am an asshole.

_____________________________

Whenever I think about you
And all the things we could do
A touch of lace, a taste of leather
And I do so love you
Life is never what it seems
And love comes on us all unseen
So I dance upon your tether
Your kiss will set me free
~MvD

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Background Check - 1/26/2006 10:24:15 PM   
CaptainsPet


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline 		I am asking.........thats how you gusy put it,

you walk in the dorr to kneel right, gonna give some lovin....
so, what diseases do you have>?
what is the last maraige you had>?
if not a marriage; how many dicks have you sucked in the last thirty days>?

is this a sex site, or what?

tHIS WORKS BOTH WAYS, AND YOU ARE JUST AS NUTS or more nuts than the people you deal with day to day , but you feel or what? is that what makes you holey?

LOL,
Ron

To mnottertail...ummm, would you like a valium for that not-so-passive aggressive energy? There's no reason to shout. It was just a question. By the way, you didn't answer the question, either. I just thought I'd point that out. And even though this is a "sex site," I still believe safe, sane, and consensual is the way to go. That means I want to know that I am safe, my partner is sane, and we both know each other well enough to make an informed, consensual decision. If you want to go off half-cocked (pun intended), be my guest. But I don't play that way.




_____________________________

"Love, like other little boys,
Cries for hearts, as they for toys-
Which, when gained, in childish play
Wantonly are thrown away."

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Background Check - 1/26/2006 10:29:57 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 703
Joined: 1/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

And just to save anybody the trouble of wondering...I have not been to prison, I have been arrested, I have terrible, terrible credit, and my ex thinks I am an asshole.


Hmm.. I've never been to prison, but it is a fantasy. I've never been arrested, but, um.. it is a fantasy. I have gotten two traffic tickets in my life, but I paid them both promptly. I have fair/good credit which is getting better by the month and I also think my ex is an asshole. :)

hehe

I couldn't resist.

Celeste



_____________________________

I wasn't there. I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. I wanna lawyer!

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Background Check - 1/26/2006 10:46:01 PM   
CaptainsPet


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline 		Uh, news flash SirKenin, you can run a simple trace on someone with very limited information. Ever hear of public records or the internet? Did I say social security number...uhhh...no. Do I have a few screws loose. No. I was suspicious because of a lie. My so-called "insecurities" had nothing to do with it. You say relationships have four corners, well honesty was one. He breeched it, first. And after that I did not trust or respect him. And I'm glad there were no further communications between us. Maybe, if the liars and cheaters out there, quit posing and representing themselves as what they are not, I wouldn't feel this way. But I'm not risking my safety with some wingnut. And I don't care if they're vanilla or neopolitan. You let the wrong person into your sex life, and that could be all she wrote. And maybe you can grasp that the concept of BDSM involves an even greater need for trust and comunication. Lying, therefore, is not acceptable in my book. And if fear of the truth made him bolt, I'm glad.

_____________________________

"Love, like other little boys,
Cries for hearts, as they for toys-
Which, when gained, in childish play
Wantonly are thrown away."

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Background Check - 1/26/2006 10:50:07 PM   
CaptainsPet


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline 		This isn't the first time that the idea of doing background checks has been floated on here...and personally i find the idea distatseful. I am not applying for the job as somebody's Dom. If you want to do a background check on me, then you better be offering to pay me by the hour afterwards.
And just to save anybody the trouble of wondering...I have not been to prison, I have been arrested, I have terrible, terrible credit, and my ex thinks I am an asshole.

Ahhh, but at least you're honest about it.

_____________________________

"Love, like other little boys,
Cries for hearts, as they for toys-
Which, when gained, in childish play
Wantonly are thrown away."

(in reply to CaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Background Check - 1/26/2006 11:17:45 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 1078
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline 		Well, I almost hate to tell you this, but you are busted.

First. If background checks on such limited information are so simple, you never would have had to ask him. If in fact you planned on using your prowess to scour the internet, all you needed is a name and an address. Any more than that would not have helped you any further. You DEFINITELY did not have to ask for his permission. That was a very foolish thing to do and completely lacked any thought process. My business surrounds computers and the internet. All told I am around computers and the internet roughly 18 hours a day. Believe Me, you are probably not going to tell Me something I do not already know, without trying to sound egotistical or something.

Second. Who broke the trust first is not important. Even if he broke it, you demonstrated it. You came right out and asked him for personally identifiable information and a check clearly demonstrating your lack of trust and respect. Whether you had reason to or not is immaterial.

Third. You ARE insecure. The "lie", whatever it was, fed that insecurity. Your foundations were shaken, you no longer had faith in the relationship, you were insecure. You wanted concrete proof that you had no right to demand that everything was going to be ok... As you said "following up a hunch".

Fourth. He broke your trust. End of story. Either you work it out and move on or you walk away. You do not go in there and demand to know his life history for fear (yes, there is the insecurity again) that he might hurt you again. Instead, you use good old fashioned common sense. Was it a forgivable offense? Were you far into the relationship? These questions and more should determine whether you stick it out or run the other way. But no. You are the one who went off "half cocked" and came out looking foolish. That is why he took off. Why should he have to deal with that when you are so easily replaceable? I know I sure would not.

Fifth. There is no more need for trust and respect in a BDSM relationship than there is in a vanilla relationship. Both are equally dependant on those four cornerstones. I challenge you to prove otherwise. Just pounding out words while hiding behind a screenname does not cut it. Anybody that has been in relationships for any length of time (I have only been in them for seventeen Myself) knows that trust and respect of vanilla partners is equally important.

All in all it boils down to head games and an incredibly thoughtless move on your part. I sincerely hope that you learn from that for next time so you can approach any future problems (heaven forbid they arise, but life dictates that they generally do) in a more dignified fashion.


_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

If someone has to tell you how smart (or great) they are, chances are they are not.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Background Check - 1/26/2006 11:28:28 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 681
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

This isn't the first time that the idea of doing background checks has been floated on here...and personally i find the idea distatseful. I am not applying for the job as somebody's Dom. If you want to do a background check on me, then you better be offering to pay me by the hour afterwards.
And just to save anybody the trouble of wondering...I have not been to prison, I have been arrested, I have terrible, terrible credit, and my ex thinks I am an asshole.


I'm with Arpig on this one. If your gut instinct is telling you that you need something like this then its already obvious its the wrong relationship. As for the checks themselves, I've met some good people who have made a few bad choises earlier in their lives and I've met some real nasty pieces of work with a compleatly clean sheet. They are no substitute for actualy taking the time to find out enough about who they are to make the decision as to wether to trust them for yourself. There is always a risk, that is life unfortunatly, you make some good calls, you make some bad calls, you learn from all of them.

And likewise, to save anyone the trouble.... mine would read pretty much the same as Arpig except maybe a bit better credit... oh and it depends which ex you ask as to wether they think I am an asshole or not

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Background Check - 1/26/2006 11:55:08 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 2678
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		It’s already been mentioned that even if the background check turns out favorably for him, he may be proficient in covering his tracks. When I run background checks on people in the past, and they are squeaky clean, large red flags start to wave at me. My next action was to re-run the checks using all the resources available to be including international agencies. Believe me everybody has something they may want to hide even if it’s a farting or nose picking habit. Sheesh the guy may even like masturbating whilst watching live porn…

I know people personally and some are good friends, who can pass any police checks you care to name and are good members of their communities until they have to officially go off on business. Then they change their IDs etc and do other things for their Governments… If you believe that this doesn’t happen in your society, I don't want to disillusion you, however just follow the publicly documented lives of a number of terrorists. People in the US, Australia or the UK are no different from people in more turbilant countries. Actually most top criminals can do this quite well and get away with it for years sometimes untill their egos take over and they get caught out.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 1/26/2006 11:59:35 PM >

_____________________________

Be Well
Iron Bear

Master of House Iron Bear


Yes, I am a Master, but not your Master..........


The Incorrigible, irrepressible, irreverent grizzly



(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 12:06:19 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 703
Joined: 1/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

It’s already been mentioned that even if the background check turns out favorably for him, he may be proficient in covering his tracks.


Or he's never been caught.

That's why 'my' background check would be so clean. ::whistles, looks at the ceiling and points to sig line::

Celeste

_____________________________

I wasn't there. I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. I wanna lawyer!

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 2:09:40 AM   
mons


Posts: 225
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		if they have nothing to find then they should not mind i never been arrtested or had anyproblems with the law i would not mind at all and if they run your that dom you spoke too your very lucky he may had something big to hide as a domme i found out i wish i had ran acheck on the last person i spoke to from but i must say all of the others i spoke were fine but this one fellow had to many lies small one then i fell something was wrong he would never meet, and i felt something so strong the last thing was he blow up in a jeaous rage online we spoke both off and online it scare me and i thought he was ok then i wrote to many of the mistress here and they were great i listen and left him alone never heard from him again oh yes idid try to make it work like a nut lol but go for it check them out

mons

(in reply to CaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 2:22:44 AM   
CaptainsPet


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline 		In response to SirKenin:
My but you assume an awful lot. First, background checks are easy to do. You can find out quite a bit of information, about a person. And, if you're willing to spend some money, you can find out even more. I know I didn't have to ask for permission, but if you'd read all of the thread, you'd know that I said I would not run a check on someone without their knowledge and consent. But I guess you were more interested in attacking my thought process, here. After all, I am "busted," am I not? And you state that: "who broke the trust is not important." How do you come to that conclusion? What about your four-corner theory? I believe honesty was one of those corners, wasn't it? I only lacked trust and respect AFTER I was lied to by one I'm suppose to be able to trust. Hey wasn't "trust" one of those corners? But according to your line of reasoning, my lack of trust and respect, "whether you had reason to or not is immaterial." Well, it might be immaterial to you, but it really matters to this "easily replaceable" sub. And I became suspicious (not insecure) AFTER the lie, and not before that. I like how you presume to know my emotional state. Oh, but you're not egotistical. You state "You wanted concrete proof that you had no right to demand that everything was going to be ok." No, I really wanted to know that I wasn't being manipulated, but my hunch was right. And why shouldn't I have the right to know that a Dom I might choose is a man of honor and integrity, worthy of my trust and respect? I don't put my heart and soul and body into just anyone's hand. A Dom earns that, but not with lies. If my "incredibly thoughtless move" cost me a liar...well thank my lucky stars. Is that "dignified" enough for you?

_____________________________

"Love, like other little boys,
Cries for hearts, as they for toys-
Which, when gained, in childish play
Wantonly are thrown away."

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 2:41:57 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 423
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mons

if they have nothing to find then they should not mind *snip*

Actually, I'd personally have big problems with this analogy. I have no criminal record and "nothing to hide" in general but that doesn't mean there's a welcome mat to my life for strangers to just walk in and poke around like they're entitled.... My private life is just that - private!

If that sends red flags to others because I'm reluctant to prove myself innocent, well screw them; I'm not an open book to anyone! The public library is 3 blocks over....

I'm all for safety and sensible precautions but no-one's rights outweigh my own. I tell any sub I correspond with that she's welcome to ask anything she wants (within reason) and I'll actively encourage her to trust her own instincts about me.... That generally satisfies most intelligent and mature adults and I don't mind if she needs extra time before deciding to meet....

Focus.

(in reply to mons)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 3:16:09 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 82
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline 		I would drop them if they wanted to do that. I've nothing to hide but am a privacy sort and such things just strike my creepy point. I'd be willing to sit down and discuss anything of concern with them openly and honestly, but a background check is out.

Frankly, them feeling the need to run a background check rather than being able to just discuss with me is sign enough for me to end the contact. As I don't hide things, it would be due to them having communication and/or trust issues that I have no interest in dealing with once I know about them.

From the other direction, same thing. If I was dealing with a dom/me who I felt was non-communicative or untrustworthy then I'd need no background check, that would be enough for me to end it.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 3:47:31 AM   
CaptainsPet


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline
Focus50, I AM an intelligent, mature adult who trusted her instincts. I'm assuming you are honest with a sub; this Dom wasn't. He lied. He wasn't innocent. That's what prompted me to ask for more information, and see how he would react if I asked to do a check. I didn't just walk up to a total stranger and say: "Hey, can I do a background check on you"? And I didn't ask without some initial provocation. Safety issues are VERY important to me. One lie gave me enough to want to know if there were more. And his reaction to my request, semed to confirm my suspicions. In the future, I'm just walking away from liars and/or cheaters. Best thing to keep me out of trouble.



_____________________________

"Love, like other little boys,
Cries for hearts, as they for toys-
Which, when gained, in childish play
Wantonly are thrown away."

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 3:53:14 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 681
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptainsPet
In the future, I'm just walking away from liars and/or cheaters. Best thing to keep me out of trouble.


A sound choise and something I do myself. Lies are a deal breaker for me. Burnt too many times with them and definatly a red flag to get the hell out. Tell me there is something you can't tell me by all means, I may wonder what it is but I am more likely to listen to an explination, but lie to me and when I find out (Which I have a knack of eventualy doing) its over.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 5:15:14 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptainsPet

Not a head game...a hunch. What he lied about was minor. Suspected more was to follow. That's all.


Back when I was a reporter, a corporate executive told me that he had a vice president of one of his companies fired because the man had ordered his secretary to use the company postage machine for his personal mail.

His comment was "That was what I knew about"

He said that three years later the man was arrested at another company for stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars.

_____________________________

----
www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to CaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 6:00:41 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptainsPet
Safety issues are VERY important to me. One lie gave me enough to want to know if there were more. And his reaction to my request, semed to confirm my suspicions. In the future, I'm just walking away from liars and/or cheaters. Best thing to keep me out of trouble.

So you had clear evidence that this guy wasn't someone you wanted to be with.

But you still WANTED to be with him, but wanted to convince yourself- so you "tested" him.

Congrats- you just failed the listening to your inner judgement and intuition exam.

And now you're upset cuz we're not all patting you on the back about wanting to do a background check on a guy you've never even met offline.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 6:01:08 AM   
Hohoho


Posts: 78
Joined: 3/18/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting views here all.

Dear CP, I stand firm with you, as I use background checks as a rule. Sometimes, I do a check before meeting a prospective Dom, sometimes after the first or second date. Truth is, I'd rather find anything sooner than later. I am somewhat perceptive, but as a very positive person, I look for the good in people.

I live in the middle of freakin nowhere. I have a young child. I cannot fly off to anywhere at a moment's notice. My meetings are rarely for a cup of coffee and a quick handshake. If a first impression doesn't send me running, we are going to spend a few hours together, getting to know one another.

How my research paid off...He referred to a "first wife". Hairs on my arms rise, total alert. Then he described how he didn't really count that one, since the marriage was so brief. Previously his story was he had one "ex". Hmmm.....okay I went home from there, did my little search, nothing askew. Properties in his name, no criminal record, addresses added up. This gnawing feeling did not leave me. Phone listings, employment numbers, all checked out. Googled stories about him and his hobby, all recent and corresponded with stories he told me. Then I thought I'd do a phone search, using his sirname only. DING! Another listing I was not aware of. This one listed his name and lo and behold...his wife's name, too. Current, I may add because I quickly paid for an additional divorce report. I called that other listing. He answered and hung up on me. The End.

Provide references.

We really do interview each other. We do apply for positions here.

From now on, I'll stick with the "my life's an open book" Doms who care about my safety, and security. I hope any Dom who meets me does the same sort of investigating.. I'll even help him with the few places I have ever found myself in an on-line search.

Sadly, my aunt Kitty hasn't introduced us. You are not my 4th cousin three times removed. You don't work with my best friend's sons' basketball coach. I don't have a clue of who you are.

Be safe. But beware. The searches aren't perfect. Go with the gut.

K

(in reply to CaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 6:31:51 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 823
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IceyOne


quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptainsPet

Not a head game...a hunch. What he lied about was minor. Suspected more was to follow. That's all.


There is no such thing as a minor lie. It's either a lie or it's not. No inbetween there.



mmmmmm really? so... does that mean all lies are bad?

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

(in reply to IceyOne)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Background Check - 1/27/2006 6:34:06 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 311
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptainsPet

A little question here: How would you feel if a potential sub/slave wanted to run a background check on you? Have you ever run a check on a play partner? I ask because I encountered a Dom, online, who seemed very compatible with me. But then I caught him lying to me. I asked if he would mind if I ran a background check. Guess what? I haven't heard back from him. Imagine that! Sooooo, how do you feel about this issue? Just curious.
~pet~


I'm not a dominant but I'd probably want a heads up if someone wanted to run a background check on me and I'd find it a bit strange. I'm a fan of getting to know someone slowly in real life, whether its a prospective dominant or play partner.

C~

_____________________________

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style"

- Despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to CaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 40
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