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How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 9:31:55 AM

MsEmpwr2

Posts: 48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Status: offline

Hi Everyone,
I released my slave today after some soul searching on both sides. It was a very tough call for me but I know that it was the right thing to do. We were very close and enjoyed a great friendship as well. Right now I am feeling like I can't (maybe won't is more accurate) maintain the boundaries of "just friends" and I don't want to confuse things anymore than they already are.

Right now I am in the foggy head sick stomach phase where I just want to rage and cry. I feel like I should cease any contact with him but I really value him as a person and a friend.

Any advice of how to get to a place where I won't cause us anymore pain and we can stay friends? All I can think of is to give it time and space and when I am ready and able I will know it.

Thanks everyone,
Celeste

Post #: 1

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 9:41:12 AM

Anaquot

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline

Do nothing for 6 months, then re-evaluate when the time has past.
Usually when someone wants to "stay friends" after a breakup, it is their way of assuaging their own guilt.
If you have guilt, apologize and ask forgiveness only if you are capable of meaning it.
If you"value" this person be honest with them and yourself.
You might also want to consider that you are looking in the wrong place for sympathy, when it can be found in the dictionary...

(in reply to MsEmpwr2)

Post #: 2

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 12:56:28 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am friends with all my ex's that are alive. Even my exhusband, who I rarely have spoke with over the years, I get along with okay. It doesn't matter that I think he is a waste of water, food and air......I have no problem being friendly with him.

The others, just because I cannot be "with" them, doesn't mean I don't still love them. Amelia and I may not be in touch with each other as often as we used to but when we do talk, it's like no time has passed at all. It is an easy loving, I know your shit and you know my shit, kinda thing.

I think the key is to let go. Accept them as they are, accept the situation for what it is, and look at all of it through fresh eyes.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Anaquot)

Post #: 3

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 1:07:05 PM

weldedcollar

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline

Dear MsEmpwr2,
You have given yourself the very best advice...
   "All I can think of is to give it time and space and when I am ready and able I will know it. "
George Harrison song comes to mind...
   All things must pass..
Sunrise doesn't last all morning.
cloudburst doesn't last all day
seems my love is up and left me in the morning ..
Its not always gonna be this grey...
All things must pass
All things must pass away,
Hang in there ..
Love an peace    weldedcollar.

(in reply to MsEmpwr2)

Post #: 4

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 1:53:34 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

You haven't said anything about how the ex feels--if they ease on down the road, that pretty much dictates what kind of "friendship" you can expect. After all its real life now, you hold no form of Dominance--you might want one thing and they another.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to MsEmpwr2)

Post #: 5

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 2:11:05 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Hello Celeste. The first thing that I want to say is that I'm sorry for your loss. I know how much it must hurt right now. Just because something is the right decision, doesn't mean it's the easy one.

The second thing that I want to mention is that it is in your best interest to allow yourself to grieve. In WIITWD, we use phrases like "released the slave" or "no longer collared" when it could translate just as easily to "no longer together." Just because we sometimes call these things a dynamic, rather than a relationship, doesn't mean when it ends that our lives aren't impacted. It's like losing any other relationship where a person ceases to be on the same level of intimacy in your life. Do the crying you need to do.

It's My personal opinion that when we select someone for the other side of the kneel, it's because we believe that person has qualities that are attractive to us. The type of character the person has, a personality that matches ours, and other things that appeal to us. Many of us start our dynamics on friendships that were already founded. That kind of makes it a double whammy because you feel, not only like you're losing your slave, but your friend, too. (Granted, some people turn out to be different than we believed them to be, but it doesn't sound like that's what's being described in this thread.)

Once you go through your grieving, learn to talk to each other like friends again. Keep conversations relatively light at first, with no emotional trips down memory lane. Be very specific with this person that your interactions are in hopes that the friendship can be rekindled, but nothing more. Take it in small steps to avoid confusing them, or you.

Best of luck to you. I hope the hard part passes quickly.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 6

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 2:34:26 PM

MsEmpwr2

Posts: 48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Status: offline

Cat, you are correct, I did not mention that. He would prefer not to lost contact at all and maintain the friendship that we do have. Of course, things can change as we go on.
Thanks for the response,
Celeste

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 7

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 2:35:29 PM

MsEmpwr2

Posts: 48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Status: offline

Thanks for your response. Doing nothing in the way of the relationship for 6 months may work.

(in reply to Anaquot)

Post #: 8

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 2:37:18 PM

MsEmpwr2

Posts: 48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Status: offline

LaTigresse and weldedcollar,
letting go and remembering that this too shall pass. It really makes sense. Thank you!

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 9

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 2:41:03 PM

MsEmpwr2

Posts: 48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Status: offline

LadyPact,
That is it exactly! We are very close friends as well. I will keep your advice in mind when I am ready to travel that road with him if he is still willing. Thank you for your kind and understanding post,
Celeste

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 7:52:25 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Empathy from here too Celeste. I think the leaving it for a minimum of 3 months, maybe as long as 6 is a good idea ... but you should tell the released one that is Your intention and why. Otherwise they will be confused and feeling bereft too, and uncertain as to whether they should contact You or not. Why not say "I'm putting it in My calendar/diary and I will email you on x date to see how you're going". Obviously make sure You follow through. That gives both some time and space to do some grieving and healing without closing off the possibility of continuing as friends once this tough part has passed. This is how I've managed to stay friends with My ex significant others!
All the best
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to MsEmpwr2)

Post #: 11

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/20/2009 11:57:45 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
I am friends with all my ex's that are alive. Even my exhusband, who I rarely have spoke with over the years, I get along with okay. It doesn't matter that I think he is a waste of water, food and air......I have no problem being friendly with him.

LOLOL Ooooooooooohhh, I have one of those.

I am friends with all of my exes, but not immediately after the breakup usually.

MsEmpwr2, Initially, I think you should stay away from one another, cease all contact, and if yu need attention/affection, get it from somewhere else...   Anywhere else.    I think it's wrong to phuck with someone's head, if in fact, you don't want him/her in your life.    I know it would seem like a win-win situation, if he wants it, and you want it, to stay in touch, and perhaps even do things you enjoy together...   But I think that is mind phucking in a non fun, and subconsciously non-consentual way.    For myself, when I've allowed things to linger because I fing someone useful/fun, it's only turned out more hurtful in the end for both of us.

I hope this is helpful, and I'm sorry about the pain you're going through.    M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 12

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/21/2009 2:37:20 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsEmpwr2

Hi Everyone,
I released my slave today after some soul searching on both sides. It was a very tough call for me but I know that it was the right thing to do. We were very close and enjoyed a great friendship as well. Right now I am feeling like I can't (maybe won't is more accurate) maintain the boundaries of "just friends" and I don't want to confuse things anymore than they already are.

Right now I am in the foggy head sick stomach phase where I just want to rage and cry. I feel like I should cease any contact with him but I really value him as a person and a friend.

Any advice of how to get to a place where I won't cause us anymore pain and we can stay friends? All I can think of is to give it time and space and when I am ready and able I will know it.

Thanks everyone,
Celeste

Hello Celeste,

Sorry to hear about your break up. I know what You're going through.
I had the same with My sub after 3,5 years. It hurt as a bitch,
and I took a time out. I told him I didn't want to see/hear him.

No contact, until he walked back into My life around December I assume,
We broke up in June last year. And I could handle having him
around again. And We're great friends, and have a special and
deep bond, but We just can't go there any more.

I wish You enough.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to MsEmpwr2)

Post #: 13

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/21/2009 8:44:05 AM

MsEmpwr2

Posts: 48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Status: offline

This is the first time I have tried to use the quote function so if it is all messed up I apologize in advance.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay
Empathy from here too Celeste. I think the leaving it for a minimum of 3 months, maybe as long as 6 is a good idea ... but you should tell the released one that is Your intention and why. Otherwise they will be confused and feeling bereft too, and uncertain as to whether they should contact You or not. Why not say "I'm putting it in My calendar/diary and I will email you on x date to see how you're going". Obviously make sure You follow through. That gives both some time and space to do some grieving and healing without closing off the possibility of continuing as friends once this tough part has passed. This is how I've managed to stay friends with My ex significant others!

MaamJay, Thank you! 3 months sounds doable putting in the planner is also a great idea! I will definitely talk to him about not having contact with him before I break contact. In the past I have had to do this and it has been SO easy because there was a negative event or a series of negative events that precipitated the break. This time it just is one of those "wrong time in our life situations" that leave you with all of the connections and no clear path for exit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMAAM1

MsEmpwr2, Initially, I think you should stay away from one another, cease all contact, and if yu need attention/affection, get it from somewhere else... Anywhere else. I think it's wrong to phuck with someone's head, if in fact, you don't want him/her in your life. I know it would seem like a win-win situation, if he wants it, and you want it, to stay in touch, and perhaps even do things you enjoy together... But I think that is mind phucking in a non fun, and subconsciously non-consentual way. For myself, when I've allowed things to linger because I fing someone useful/fun, it's only turned out more hurtful in the end for both of us.
I hope this is helpful, and I'm sorry about the pain you're going through. M

FullfigRIMAAM!, I can really see your point here. It would be very easy for us to rely on each other in that way. Thanks for the warning and perspective it was needed!

GoddessTeaze,
Thanks for the glimpse from the other side. Hopefully we will get there one day. It really would be a shame to lose contact with him all together; he is such a dynamic person.

I appreciate everyone who helped me through this. I think I have a good handle on it now. I am so happy I found these boards. You all are awesome people!

Celeste

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)

Post #: 14

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/21/2009 3:03:14 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Sending good thoughts.
I don't know how to shift boundaries back to 'just friends'; I generally believe that it's best to cut ties after ending a relationship.
Davan

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to MsEmpwr2)

Post #: 15

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/21/2009 4:07:50 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I am so sorry, Celeste. We've all been where you are, I think.

I agree that time completely apart is the best thing. It's so tempting to try and "fix" the unfixable, go back over old ground, rekindle things when there is conversation. After time has gone by, if you want to reestablish a friendship, you will be on steadier ground. Perhaps your bond will be there, in a changed form.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

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Post #: 16

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/22/2009 11:39:33 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I try to have some distance, but stay in touch at least by phone, and maybe hang out with mutual friends or in public places. I've been able to stay close friends with some of my exboyfriends, and at least civil and polite with all but one of them. I don't want to be their friend because I feel guilty, but because I still think they are wonderful, honorable, caring me, even though the relationship didn't work out.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 17

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/22/2009 5:56:54 PM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I always thought it would be easy to stay close friends after a break up. Maybe that would be the case there were no deep feelings still involved. Perversely it would be easier to stay close to someone you didnt like, rather than someone you adore.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 18

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/22/2009 6:56:07 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsEmpwr2

LadyPact,
That is it exactly! We are very close friends as well. I will keep your advice in mind when I am ready to travel that road with him if he is still willing. Thank you for your kind and understanding post,
Celeste

You are quite welcome. I hope the pain passes quickly.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MsEmpwr2)

Post #: 19

RE: How to stay friends after release - 3/22/2009 7:51:53 PM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

It is not an easy transition to make, but it is not unheard of either. My Angel, after 2 years of collared service, asked for release to pursue his dominant side. We are very close friends and didnt want to lose that, so we simply decided to give ourselves some distance face to face for a little while until we were sure we were able to keep the relationship as it was now. He and I both have significant others of our own, which makes the new relationship we share easier to keep on context.

The important part to remember is why you decided to split. Keeping that in perspective makes it easier. Do not put yourself in physical proximity to him until the initial urge to reclaim him has passed. It is far too easy to ruin a good friendship with rebound sex, and that doesnt serve either of you well.

Good luck

DV

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Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

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Post #: 20

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