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Neediness - 3/20/2009 1:05:22 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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Ahah neediness. Wrote an academic piece on it once and really got into Maslow hierarchy. Found the original fascinating and its subsequent 'updates'. As an academic exercise neediness thus seems quite neatly packaged away and indeed the hierarchical model makes a useful tool for working with others in varied settings.
However..... here we go.....
I can determine the difference on the whole between what I need and what I want as an objectove exercise. You know draw a line down the middle of the paper. Keep a daily/weekly/monthly checklist of needs in one column and wants in the other. With regard to diet this is quite easy for me. Needs: polluntant free high fibre, fruit, salad, plenty of water... wants: chocolate/ ice cream, more chocolate, white bread ham sandwhich and at least three cups of coffee.
As a s-type I don't find the distinction quite so easy. For example: I want to see Master, I want to taste, smell, touch, feel, have sensation and instruction. But: I need it this weekend? I need it more often than He has time for, I need a collar I can wear 24/7, I need to be with him for ever blah blah.... and the dynamic that makes it difficult is NOT that I don;t know the difference between my wants and needs...which vary according to my hormones (usually) but that I am becomning incresingly aware that it is what I need that crosses the line, what I need is outside the remit of my submissiveness, what I need He never signed up for.
Some very dear friends have also recently shared their experiences of being needy as submissives. And I have advised them and therefore should take a dose of my own medicine. Neediness isn't service.
As an s-type are you:
Aware of the difference between your needs and wants?
Do you guard against neediness?
Or do you just let your D know?
If you are a D type:
How do you define a submissives neediness?
Are you signed up for it?
Are you prepared to fulfil those needs?
Do you see neediness as weakness or strength?
Sincere thanks in advance.

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Post #: 1

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 1:51:49 AM

InTonguesslave

Posts: 342
Joined: 2/6/2009
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As an s-type are you:
Aware of the difference between your needs and wants?

not really, ive never separated them. but ok. yesterday for instance, it occurred to me that Sir and i havent been having our usual long, easy going chats about anything and everything. i realised that i needed them, i also realised that because of the other night when i was extremely rude and out of line he had pulled back from me a little, not completely, just enough for me to notice the difference and to realise that what i want and what i get is entirely up to him.

Do you guard against neediness?

very much, i have a horror of becoming a needy, clingy, demanding wus.

Or do you just let your D know?

pragmatic needs yes, i can talk about those. my submissive needs not so much, but right now i dont have any that arent in some way being answered.

whats tricky is balancing out what we want and need against their lives, our lives and how to meet in the middle somewhere. what they want and need comes first but that only works if they are fully aware of what we need to keep us ticking along happily.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 2

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 2:45:19 AM

FelineFae

Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
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i'm needy and clingy, and have made peace with it.

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Post #: 3

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 2:54:01 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

As an s-type are you:
Aware of the difference between your needs and wants?

Yes I am, for the majority of the time.

Do you guard against neediness?

No, I don't waste energy on it. I'm needy in some ways, on some days and in some situations........I consider it rather natural to be this way occasionally.

Or do you just let your D know?

Not in any particular way, no. We talk constantly and it's very apparent to him what frame of mind I'm in at any given time, what's going on in my life and how I'm doing.

Neediness comes and goes and it's just another facet of owning me that he deals with along with all the others. We don't spend very much time taking these things apart. He knew what I was like as a person before he owned me, knew how I dealt with life, knew my strengths and my weaknesses, can predict when I'm likely to be flakey and he's never come across anything he can't deal with.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 4

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 3:32:31 AM

thatonebitch

Posts: 27
Joined: 3/20/2009
Status: offline

As an s-type are you:
Aware of the difference between your needs and wants?
Hmm, good question. Come to think of it, I can't find the distinction between the two in regards to my relationship.

Do you guard against neediness?
I was upfront and honest at the very beginning that I can be insecure and needy and if it were a problem then we probably wouldn't be a good match. So, no, not really. But I do try to keep it reasonable.

Or do you just let your D know?
Yes, definitely. It seems like as soon as I tell him, I feel better. I just need to get it out.

< Message edited by thatonebitch -- 3/20/2009 3:33:27 AM >

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 5

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 3:51:39 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

As an s-type are you:
Aware of the difference between your needs and wants?
Do you guard against neediness?
Or do you just let your D know?

I am absolutely aware of the differences. I evaluate what they are all the time so that I don't become needy.

Sure there are times when I am needy though and I communicate that to him but I try not to let it get the best of me and I remind myself to stop doing it so that I don't become annoying to him.

(in reply to thatonebitch)

Post #: 6

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 4:07:39 AM

Cyntilating

Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
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but, just like in a healthy non-codependant relationship > you can care about someone without taking care OF them..>
we all do have legit needs in life...
and I can have and make sure those needs are being met.
and I owe it to myself to know that I can have those needs without being seen as needy...... right??

If I say I must have water, secured shelter and spirituality in my life...that they are "ok" needs to have> no one would question that.
nor would they say I was a needy person to insist on the above.

but ...saying that I need certain things from the person I am in a relationship with,in order tofeel secure and quenched, and suddenly THAT makes me needy.

I don't get it.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 7

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 5:47:48 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FelineFae

i'm needy and clingy, and have made peace with it.

I don't see "needy" or "clingy" etc as being something negative in a submissive persona. Frankly, if you're gonna live and be happy in a control oriented relationship where you defer to another's will and authority etc, then such traits or even qualities are likely a very necessary part of being innately submissive....

Indeed, even being co-dependent has its advantages within an authority based dynamic.

Focus.

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(in reply to FelineFae)

Post #: 8

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 5:55:39 AM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

I agree for the most part. The exception being that the controling person in the relationship will determine how much neediness is too much.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: FelineFae

i'm needy and clingy, and have made peace with it.

I don't see "needy" or "clingy" etc as being something negative in a submissive persona. Frankly, if you're gonna live and be happy in a control oriented relationship where you defer to another's will and authority etc, then such traits or even qualities are likely a very necessary part of being innately submissive....

Indeed, even being co-dependent has its advantages within an authority based dynamic.

Focus.

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(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 9

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 6:30:27 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Neediness isn't service.
As an s-type are you:
Aware of the difference between your needs and wants?
****Yes, usually. Sometimes, they get muddled together but it is my responsibility to take a step back, re-assess, re-center and walk on.

Do you guard against neediness?
****Monitoring what's going on in my skull and why. Mental discipline. Also, physicality when it is 'right' helps in making me feel more safe. It really is a 'complete packing' sort of thing; mental and physical.

Or do you just let your D know?
**** I let any partner know if I am feelng a particular way that is impactful of the relationship.

If you are a D type:
How do you define a submissives neediness?
****I'll answer it as a switch and as someone who had a very needy spouse. I can feel it. It is a soul-sucking anxiety or feels like the energy is being bled out.

Are you signed up for it?
****Signed up for neediness. With that one, not anymore. In general, I will tolerate it to a degree.

Are you prepared to fulfil those needs?
****Not really clear on what this is asking.

Do you see neediness as weakness or strength?
****Generally, a weakness.
Davan

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(in reply to OrionTheWolf)

Post #: 10

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 6:41:52 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He wants me codependent. Except that in a good d/s relationship the term codependent isn't appropriate since it is consented to by both parties. There's nothing passive aggressive about it.

If you discover you have needs that he didn't agree to upfront, and that's likely from both sides of the slash - then it's time to sit down and address them. An open and frank discussion just like the ones you had prior to accepting a collar. And actually, since all good relationships share certain characteristics, you should never have stopped having open and frank discussions. Ending communication is never positive, especially on such emotionally charged subjects.

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Post #: 11

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 6:55:19 AM

InTonguesslut

Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline

Firstly i personally do not equate needs with neediness. My needs are thing i am not willing to settle on not having, neediness is that clingy, posessive attitude which really doesn't suit anyone.

quote:

Aware of the difference between your needs and wants?

Completely. Needs are things i cannot live without, wants are things its nice to have but will do me no harm to be without.

quote:

Do you guard against neediness?

In myself, not at all. I've never been a clingy needy person, it's just not in my makeup. In others being needy with me, absolutely. I cannot function without good quality alone time or if i feel someone is living in my pocket.

quote:

Or do you just let your D know?

Absolutely i would let Sir know if i NEED him. I think twice before saying i WANT his attention though, it may not be a good time, he may be busy etc.

There is no room in my opinion in a poly relationship for clingy, needy behaviour. Whilst myself and sister sub only have Sir to attend to, he has us both. He has the job of splitting his time and attention between us. There may be times i NEED more time with him and vice versa and we both have to understand that that is the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 12

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 7:24:49 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

If you are a D type:
How do you define a submissives neediness?
Are you signed up for it?
Are you prepared to fulfil those needs?
Do you see neediness as weakness or strength?

How I answer is going to depend entirely on the context of needy.

If you are going to infer the more negative meaning others have suggested, that insecure clinging whining........that will cause me to toss you out of my life quickly. Especially if it begins before we even have established any sort of commited relationship.

If it is legitimate needs...first, I expect her to communicate them. I am not, nor will I ever be a mind reader. If I tried, I would probably get it wrong. If you expect me to "just know" ..........good bye. I am not into that sort of emotional high maintainance shit. And yes, I see that type of neediness as a huge weakness and one I will not sign up for.

If she is normally a very self sufficient and together type woman that is going through a rough patch, I fully expect that I will be doing more giving than taking.

To me, this is not M/s or D/s stuff at all. This is human relationship stuff I see every day, here in the work place, in all sorts of relationships all around me. As far as I am concerned it is a two fold issue, insecurity and communication.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 13

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 7:31:51 AM

kuriouswitch

Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

As an s-type are you:
Aware of the difference between your needs and wants?
Do you guard against neediness?
Or do you just let your D know?

Usually my needs and wants are similar. I tend to know when i'm going to be most needy and he's learned to tell as well. Sometimes my neediness ties into my wants.

I try to guard against being needy, I certainly don't want to overwhelm him and if I didn't guard against it I'd probably find myself being needy all the time. As it is, I find that it's usually when my "defenses" are down such as when I'm tired or sick that I become most needy.

I try to let him know, to communicate what I'm feeling all the time. I told him from the beginning that I tend to be clingy and so he knew what he was getting into and over the past months he's learned to read my face better than most people. He's learned to tell what I need and when and how to best go about it.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 14

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 7:49:46 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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i have had the opposite problem - i am not needy at all and too independent, a trait some doms i have known have not endeared me to them. Nothing will kill a relationship more then a needy sub drowning her dom in unrealistic and unattainable needs. Nothing is more disheartening for a sub then to have needs that go unmet. If you find yourself too needy in a relationship, you're probably in the wrong relationship.

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Post #: 15

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 9:07:39 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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My exhusband once told me that he wanted me to "need" him.
I told him i would much rather "want" him than "need" him.
He didn't understand why i would rather want him than need him. ..... we are no more!

Need to me seems very clingy - rather like a pea growing up a trellis. If the trellis is removed the pea plant lands on the ground with no means of self support. Want comes (to me) from a position of relative strength.

One of the advantages of my Sir and my relationship is that we both want each other, we are stronger together than apart. We both add something to the relationship, which makes the relationship stouter, more likely to succeed. I don't feel that the only one strong is Sir, i have my own strength , in my own way.

Of course - i always need chocolate!!!!

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 16

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 9:32:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

If you are going to infer the more negative meaning others have suggested, that insecure clinging whining........that will cause me to toss you out of my life quickly. Especially if it begins before we even have established any sort of commited relationship.

If it is legitimate needs...first, I expect her to communicate them. I am not, nor will I ever be a mind reader. If I tried, I would probably get it wrong. If you expect me to "just know" ..........good bye. I am not into that sort of emotional high maintainance shit. And yes, I see that type of neediness as a huge weakness and one I will not sign up for.

The problem here is who determines what is a legitimate need. In my view, the person having it is the only one who can decide that.

If you think that needing contact every day connotes negative whining, and I think it promotes stability and a strong relationship then I would prefer you not define me as a clingy whiner and in return I won't define you as a cold potato who is emotionally distant.

I think that when one person calls another needy in a bad way, what they are really saying is that they are not compatible in this area. And saying you are not compatible is a lot better than using pejorative terms which tends to get you the same tossed back.

General you, La T, not you specifically. And you are so right about in any relationship, from time to time, things are going to be seriously unbalanced and decent people support their partners then without worrying about who did what last.

_____________________________

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Post #: 17

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 9:45:19 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

As an s-type are you:
Aware of the difference between your needs and wants?

yes. acutely.

quote:

Do you guard against neediness?

no. this slave guards against self-ish-ness.

quote:

Or do you just let your D know?

He is very perceptive...and this slave is very transparent, so letting Him know what this slave's needs are is a rare occurrence, if ever.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 18

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 9:55:27 AM

paddlebottom

Posts: 18
Joined: 2/15/2009
Status: offline

I knowI needahard SPANKING&PADDLING

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 19

RE: Neediness - 3/20/2009 9:56:48 AM

paddlebottom

Posts: 18
Joined: 2/15/2009
Status: offline

A DOM.MALE!!!!

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Post #: 20

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