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Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 4:29:52 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		A friend once told me that Brits value class, Americans value status and Canadians value friendship above all else.
I thought a great deal about friendship at that time and one of my questions to myself was: I wonder if freindship translates.
Many more questions too like:
How important is friendship to you in a bdsm partner?
Is it possible to create a friendship when there has been no past, as in on-line relationship, or long distance relationship.
Is your bdsm partner a friend? Or are your friends something that you define outside of play?
Have you ever had a long standsing friendship turn into a lifestyle partner?
Do you manage to maintain friendship once a bdsm relationship is over?
Generally therefore what is the role of friendship to you and how do you define it both in the lifestyle and out of it.
PS edited to add I know that some consider lifestyle to be seamless but for me there is more than one world I participate in (work, family etc) and more than one personas of me. But I am meaning for this to be focused on friendship and WIITWD


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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 4:53:20 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		IMHO,  I believe that a deep friendship is what gets you through the tough stuff. I'm  not a mooshy gooshy kind of chick, so I'm looking for more of a deep friendship than a hormonal flash in the pan.
 
As for--can one remain friends "after"? Can't answer that, as I have not reached that level of maturity yet.

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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 5:00:47 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He's not just a BDSM partner, he's my life partner. And my best friend. I need that he is the first person I want to tell when there is good news or bad, and I need that I'm the first person he wants to talk to when things come up. We're best friends, lovers, step-parents, dom and sub, and every other role you can think of. We don't want any loneliness in this relationship because we've both had too much of that in the past.

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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 5:38:02 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		No, M isn't a friend any longer. He WAS my derarest friend for many years before he owned me but once he did there were fundamental changes that meant he was no longer a friend. On occasion I have mourned that fact because there is something different about sharing times and intimate parts of yourself with someone that bears no responsibility for you.

For instance .........I could tell a friend about a mad scheme and they might say * Gosh , be careful then*......whereas M could say * No, you're not*. He has the right to veto any mad schemes and a friend does not.

It depends on what *being a friend* means to you but, for me, it doesn't involve being responsible for each other.

I have a few *people I'm friendly with* ...but I don't consider them * a friend*.

It's not important to me that M is a friend because being my owner trumps it. He can't be both once he can insist.

agirl






< Message edited by agirl -- 3/15/2009 5:39:36 AM >

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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 6:17:04 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		This American girl could care less about status, unless it's the status in her Dom's life.   That being said, friendships are extremely important to me.  I have friends on many different levels, but to keep this in line of the OP's post.    Yes, I want my Dom to be my best friend.   That is someone that I can (and want) to go to with anything.    From telling Him of the assinine driver on the road as I was coming home from work to my deepest, darkest fantasy that kept me frazzled and squirming the night before.  

As agirl said, I do believe the "dynamics" of the friendship with my Dom would change as the relationship would be one of D/s, but the feelings of wanting to and needing to have Him as my best friend would not.    But when I think about it, with my "bestest" of friends now, we may laugh and giggle at some hair-brained idea, but we still take responsibilty for each other because we are friends. 

I am still friends with a past Dom.   He and I talk about once a month.  He would be here for me in a heartbeat if I needed Him.    Just because things didn't work in our D/s relationship doesn't mean that our friendship for each other disappeared.    (Of course this doesn't work out in all relationships ... I haven't talked to the other one since we went our separate ways and don't care to).  

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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 7:01:14 AM   
VeryNastyDom


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline 		BDSM is part of life, but only part.  If the person is not your friend, what will you possibly have to talk about the other 95% of the time and won't you become exceedingly bored very quickly.  I have several friends that were formerly partners who had to move to other geographies for work and personal reasons, and we still stay in touch on a regular basis. 


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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 7:11:42 AM   
pinkwind


Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline 		There are two people in my life who i would class as friends, one is Andy, Master, partner, best friend and carer amongst so many other things. And then there is my first Dom, a friend from the outset, from online through to an LDR and beyond. Both mean more to me these days than anyone else in my life, have proved more enduring, more caring and more dependable than even my family now.



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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 7:14:02 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		The idea of friendship first, is one reason I am single.  I want friendship before any relationship starts.  If he cannot be my friend, I do not see how he can be a good Dom/Master for me.

Am I friends with my former?  Ummm... he still stalks me, does that count? 

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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 8:21:33 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryNastyDom

BDSM is part of life, but only part.  If the person is not your friend, what will you possibly have to talk about the other 95% of the time and won't you become exceedingly bored very quickly.  I have several friends that were formerly partners who had to move to other geographies for work and personal reasons, and we still stay in touch on a regular basis. 




Bdsm is a very small part of what M and I DO...............but the way our relationship is styled doesn't change at all, ever.

He's not my friend, he's my owner......he doesn't have to be a friend to be fun, fascinating and my choice of company all the time. Many of the components of *friendship* are there but the type of D/s relationship we have means that he's not a friend. This might seem like semantics to people who consider their owner a *friend*.......but for me there is a stark difference, even though he can *do* things a friend might do and *be* things a friend might be.

agirl

(in reply to VeryNastyDom)
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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 10:10:14 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

No, M isn't a friend any longer. He WAS my derarest friend for many years before he owned me but once he did there were fundamental changes that meant he was no longer a friend. On occasion I have mourned that fact because there is something different about sharing times and intimate parts of yourself with someone that bears no responsibility for you.

For instance .........I could tell a friend about a mad scheme and they might say * Gosh , be careful then*......whereas M could say * No, you're not*. He has the right to veto any mad schemes and a friend does not.

It depends on what *being a friend* means to you but, for me, it doesn't involve being responsible for each other.

I have a few *people I'm friendly with* ...but I don't consider them * a friend*.

It's not important to me that M is a friend because being my owner trumps it. He can't be both once he can insist.

agirl

It's interesting that you say your M cannot be both.In the way you say it then it makes perfect sense. But for a complete change I am going for both and it's the very first conversion from friend into bdsm I have made. It makes a very special difference.
As for what you say about having a few people you are friendly with, but don't consider them a friend: I feel by comparison I do things quite differently.








_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 10:37:39 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

How important is friendship to you in a bdsm partner?

Friendship to me in general is extremely important. In bdsm though i think not so much. In tends to hinder the bdsm structure for me in recent times.

quote:

Is it possible to create a friendship when there has been no past, as in on-line relationship, or long distance relationship.


I think it is always possible to build a friendship. I don't think it really matters whether a relationship or a friendship comes first, you build on things all the time.

quote:

Is your bdsm partner a friend?


Yes and no. We have some really good deep insightful convos but when it comes down to it he has the power to cut the convo dead where as my friends don't have that power. Sir and i only have conversations etc if he allows it.

quote:

Or are your friends something that you define outside of play?


More and more so yes.

quote:

Have you ever had a long standsing friendship turn into a lifestyle partner?


No but i have had it the other way round. An 18 month relationship turned into a fantastic friendship and to be honest if it wasn't for him i'd be in stuck a lot of the time.

quote:

Do you manage to maintain friendship once a bdsm relationship is over?


Yes example above. I also have another friend who was a partner but it took a lot of time to build a friendship from that relationship. The one i just spoke of was instant.
 
quote:

Generally therefore what is the role of friendship to you and how do you define it both in the lifestyle and out of it.


Basically my friends are there to hold convos with, rant with, moan to etc etc. Its a kind of rule of friendship that is unspoken.
Bdsm wise Sir doesnt have to do any of those things unless he chooses to.


< Message edited by missturbation -- 3/15/2009 10:38:37 AM >

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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 10:48:41 AM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		friendship has to be the foundation with me , if not  i need not be there .

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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 10:53:42 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

No, M isn't a friend any longer. He WAS my derarest friend for many years before he owned me but once he did there were fundamental changes that meant he was no longer a friend. On occasion I have mourned that fact because there is something different about sharing times and intimate parts of yourself with someone that bears no responsibility for you.

For instance .........I could tell a friend about a mad scheme and they might say * Gosh , be careful then*......whereas M could say * No, you're not*. He has the right to veto any mad schemes and a friend does not.

It depends on what *being a friend* means to you but, for me, it doesn't involve being responsible for each other.

I have a few *people I'm friendly with* ...but I don't consider them * a friend*.

It's not important to me that M is a friend because being my owner trumps it. He can't be both once he can insist.

agirl

It's interesting that you say your M cannot be both.In the way you say it then it makes perfect sense. But for a complete change I am going for both and it's the very first conversion from friend into bdsm I have made. It makes a very special difference.
As for what you say about having a few people you are friendly with, but don't consider them a friend: I feel by comparison I do things quite differently.



Again, this would depend on what you'd define as a *friend*. For me , it doesn't include being *responsible for*.

I can care for a friend, I might stand in support, I might (rarely) give advice, if asked for, I may suggest things, listen to, give information , spend time with, have fun with.....but I'm not responsible for them , nor them me.

For me, these areas are exclusively for people that have responsibility for me , or I have responsbility for them I can't be a *friend* to my sprogs* in the sense of the word that I define it as. I can offer the sprogs many of the things that a friend could .......but as I am responsible for them , I CAN step in and insist they make changes. That, to me , is not a friend. It makes me * Mother*.

The older sprogs might descibe me as a friend *as well as a Mama*, because I'm not responsible for them in the way I am for their younger siblings .......but they'd never have done so at 17yrs and 15 yrs.

I could not be friends with anyone that had the right, or the clout to insist I do what they say. A friend would not encroach that far.

agirl






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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 10:55:49 AM   
YoursMistress


Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline 		I am still seeking my first D/s relationship, and unless it is somehow completely different than any of my previous vanilla ones, I wouldn't expect to carry on a close friendship beyond its end.  Maybe it's my mistake to want every relationship to be the one, only and ultimate.  My concern is certainly not status, as posited in your post, nor is it representative of men or Americans in general.  I blame my parents.  (oops wrong post).  Please note sarcasm in the previous unparenthitized statement.

yours


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As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 11:53:54 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx


How important is friendship to you in a bdsm partner?

It's a crucially important thing. I like to feel trust deepen and friendship grow as we get to know each other and experience stuff together. That's probably the main thing that I'm looking for.
quote:


Is it possible to create a friendship when there has been no past, as in on-line relationship, or long distance relationship.
Once I had a long correspondence with someone and I felt like we had gotten to know each other in a significant way - or at least made a pretty good start.
In my experience it has been pretty rare, though; I'm not sure if I'm particularly gifted at it.

I can think of some friends who are very good at making online friends who seemlessly translate into real life friends - they go and visit and it's exactly how they thought it would be.
But, they're just friends, interacting on non-kink related websites.

I think if you're looking for friends who could also be partners, that adds a layer of complexity, as well as narrowing down the field somewhat.


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RE: Friendship the true catalyst - 3/15/2009 2:29:01 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		OMG, Friendship is of utmost importance to me. Without a connection of friendship, I don't think I could have that connection with any dominant. It's just who I am. And who the dom I am with must be or it won't work. That's just me but I know I could tell Sir anything! ANYTHING without repercussions, without anger, without punishment. NOW that being said, I am never a disrespectful submissive either. Silly, funny, and giddy sometimes, but never real disrespect. I even tease and joke, but I always know when it's not appropriate.



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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 2:29:31 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YoursMistress

I am still seeking my first D/s relationship, and unless it is somehow completely different than any of my previous vanilla ones, I wouldn't expect to carry on a close friendship beyond its end.  Maybe it's my mistake to want every relationship to be the one, only and ultimate.  My concern is certainly not status, as posited in your post, nor is it representative of men or Americans in general.  I blame my parents.  (oops wrong post).  Please note sarcasm in the previous unparenthitized statement.

yours


All my life until now it has been difficult to have both friendship and d/s until just now. . Now I would say the friendship is an undercurrent with dominance being the trump card. Friendship is unconditional. D/s is not. It's conditions are ritualised and rely om deference and service. Although when I feel vulnerable I ask and chec that the friendship is there. As friendship is something we both define as unconditional I ask because I sometimes need to know that if the d/s relationship  should end then I will always have him undonditionally as a friend. Because this is so I have no fears.


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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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RE: Friendship the true catalyst - 3/15/2009 2:36:32 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: greeneyedreamer

OMG, Friendship is of utmost importance to me. Without a connection of friendship, I don't think I could have that connection with any dominant.

When I think back one of the ways in which I have been pretty stupid and had d/s 'relationshps' with strangers whom i thought i knew and rgought i had got to know first of all drom the internet. It isn't the same as real time spent together in forming a friendship.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Friendship the true catalyst - 3/15/2009 2:42:06 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Friendship is foundational, for me, in any partnered relationship. 
  Davan

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RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 3:53:53 PM   
NewlySingle329


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/14/2008
Status: offline 		(Quote) How important is friendship to you in a bdsm partner? (/Quote) 
- I wouldn't be able to submit without it
(Quote) Is it possible to create a friendship when there has been no past, as in on-line relationship, or long distance relationship. (/Quote)
- For me, yes, absolutely it is possible.
(Quote) Is your bdsm partner a friend? Or are your friends something that you define outside of play? (/Quote)
- Yes he is my friend, my best friend.  But he is so much more.  Not only are we partners, but we are lovers, and I truly feel as if he knows me better than I thought possible.
(Quote) Have you ever had a long standsing friendship turn into a lifestyle partner?  Do you manage to maintain friendship once a bdsm relationship is over? (/Quote)
- No I have not experienced that.  And yes I have managed to maintain some sort of friendship (or at least non-animosity) toward everyone I have every played with.  Not that there have been many, LOL

(in reply to Prinsexx)
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