RE: Frienship the trua catalyst

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Frienship the trua catalyst

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 3:55:50 PM

MissLaura1973

Posts: 161
Joined: 11/11/2008
Status: offline

Depends on the relationship I want with the BDSM partner - are they someone I play with occasionally? Someone who's a receptacle for my sadistic needs? Someone I want as a sexual submissive? Someone I think I want to know long term?

I actually have very few people in my life, vanilla or kink, that I would consider to be friends. I have plenty of acquaintances, and some close acquaintances, but only four people that I would consider to be true friends (those that I know I can reach out to, 24/7, for any reason - who know me at my best and at my worst and love and accept me no matter what).

That being said, I need to feel some kinship / interest in a BDSM partner - it may be just a physical attraction, maybe purely mental or emotional, or some combination thereof, but there has to be something that draws me to them. I no longer am willing to simply play with someone just because they're "there" - I need to be compelled to explore further with them.

Yes, it is possible to create an in-person friendship when there hasn't been one in the past but, as with all friendships, it's not something that happens overnight for me.

My friends are both vanilla and BDSM-related and those who are vanilla friends know of the BDSM aspects of my life.

I've not yet had a long-standing friendship turn into a lifestyle partner, but I can see that happening.

Yes, a friendship for me isn't something that is predicated on our BDSM / lack of a BDSM exchange - a friendship is a friendship, and exists, for me, outside the vanilla and BDSM worlds.

_____________________________

Though boys throw stones at frogs in sport, the frogs do not die in sport, but in earnest --- Bion

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 21

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/15/2009 4:25:38 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissLaura1973

Yes, it is possible to create an in-person friendship when there hasn't been one in the past but, as with all friendships, it's not something that happens overnight for me.
.

Anf then again some people have those qualities to be more than one dimensional. They have what intropersonal range by that I mean that they are into many things, have a sort of intelligence that makes them able to be say writers and climbers, or teachers and musicians. There's a kind of bdsm intelligence I think. And thsi sort of intelligence anables a person to be able to chamge the charge and the nature of the relationship so that it has the conditonality of master/dominanrt nd the array of qualities of friendship and they can change across that range seamlessly. For others a very narrow band intelligence is there, makes a person very good at say role play, getting into role for a scene. But other aspects of their way of being are missing for a long term friendship or to create a paradgm for friendship.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to MissLaura1973)

Post #: 22

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 2:26:08 AM

chezzy71

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline

my folks were married 63 years...you don't stay in love all that time without there being a solid foundation of friendship to begin with.I am not advocating marriage by any means but it sure seems like if you want a healthy relationship you must be friends and good friends at that.

(in reply to NewlySingle329)

Post #: 23

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 6:43:06 AM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

How important is friendship to you in a bdsm partner?

Friendship, not so important. Compatibility and interest and common ground yes, but friendship, not so much. What i look for in a play/casual partner/lover is different that what I was looking for (and get) from my M.

quote:

Is your bdsm partner a friend? Or are your friends something that you define outside of play?

I am with some of the other voices on this one. My M is not a "friend", his is my M. He happens to be great a doing friend things, but he is not a friend. Some of the people I play with are friends, some are acquaintances. Conversely, I also play with some of my friends and acquaintances. I have friends outside of the 'stuff' and have a great time doing things with them. Some do and some don't know about my sex life or my relationships.

But i am also not caught up in having a lot of friends of any flavor. My life is very full and rich and, while i love people, I accept that I don't have the time and energy to maintain and grow multiple deep, practically bloodkin friendships.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 24

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 7:10:58 AM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

my Master is my friend, my best friend and for a long time my only true friend. friendship is EXTREMELY valuable and precious to me. while it's not something i "need" in a Master, i feel very fortunate that our relationship progressed in such a way that we were friends first of all and that the friendship was not damaged by him taking ownership of me.

of course it makes things a bit different from a typical friendship, when your best friend is your Owner and as such has total authority over every aspect of your life. i cannot tell him any and everything the way i would a friend who i did not have such a relationship with. i cannot moan and groan and cry to him about my relationship troubles...because he IS the relationship. that is the other thing that makes it sticky at times...He is the center of my very, very small world. there is very very little in my life that is not related to him in some way. when i go to him with a problem his Master instinct is to try and fix it, and if it is unfixable then he doesn't want to talk or think about it. but often what i really need is simply a friend who can listen and sympathize. so yes, it is not perfect when your Master is your friend, i can understand why some like agirl would find the combination impossible.

still, for us it's been worthwhile. i also feel very happy that my Master considers me to be his best friend as well. He feels comfortable sharing his deepest fears and concerns with me, his personal dreams and ambitions, sorrows and heartbreaks. we are able to talk many hours into the night, about nothing in particular, even after 8 years together. so yes we value our friendship very much.

how would i define friendship? that's a hard one, that's a bit like defining "love." for me it's harder to say what a friend is NOT. to me a friend is not someone you are just friendly with, it's not someone you just enjoy chatting with online, it's not someone with whom you get along or have lunch with from time to time. friendship to me is a very high status, a genuine mental and emotional connection between two people, a bond and trust that cannot easily be broken.

(in reply to NewlySingle329)

Post #: 25

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 8:28:41 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I've had friends who became relationship partners, but usually once I start dating them, I don't consider them to be in the "friends" category anymore. In developing a new relationship, I try to get to know them on multiple levels, but I don't want to start out with them as friends, I need to explore chemistry/etc. fairly quickly if it is going to develop. Also, a lot of guys seem to use "friends" to mean "friends with benefits" or "casual playpartners," and I'm not interested in that.

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 26

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 10:55:11 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

how would i define friendship? that's a hard one, that's a bit like defining "love." for me it's harder to say what a friend is NOT

Dear daddysprop
You say your world id aa small world and I understand why you might say that BUT I really admire the fact that you have been in a Master slave dynamic for all of those eight years. It's a big responsibility.
Yes it hard to define friendship especially when it runs parallel to Master but it's something that is important to me righht now. So am reading through the thread and gathering some input.
Its imprtatnt because as I get older I realise that the most importatnt aspects of life are not the tangible things but those things we cannot touch and yet still endure.
I admire your endurance tremendously
Prin

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 27

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 1:55:24 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

my Master is my friend, my best friend and for a long time my only true friend. friendship is EXTREMELY valuable and precious to me. while it's not something i "need" in a Master, i feel very fortunate that our relationship progressed in such a way that we were friends first of all and that the friendship was not damaged by him taking ownership of me.

of course it makes things a bit different from a typical friendship, when your best friend is your Owner and as such has total authority over every aspect of your life. i cannot tell him any and everything the way i would a friend who i did not have such a relationship with. i cannot moan and groan and cry to him about my relationship troubles...because he IS the relationship. that is the other thing that makes it sticky at times...He is the center of my very, very small world. there is very very little in my life that is not related to him in some way. when i go to him with a problem his Master instinct is to try and fix it, and if it is unfixable then he doesn't want to talk or think about it. but often what i really need is simply a friend who can listen and sympathize. so yes, it is not perfect when your Master is your friend, i can understand why some like agirl would find the combination impossible.

Hi daddysprop,

Like you, M was my only *true friend* for years before he owned me. The part of your post that I have emboldened is why I don't consider him a *friend* any longer.

This is also why I grieve occasionally for the friendship I had with him before he owned me. It's not hugely significant apart from the fact that I have never found anyone to be *that friend* again.

The fact that we were such good friends beforehand for so long , means that he knew me extremely well before he ever took ownership.....and the major plus is that that part doesn't change. He STILL knows me better than anyone else can or could.

We WERE friends, and all the things that made that friendship so good and so longheld, have been the reasons why he has owned me for so long, too.

As I said earlier on, many of the best and valuable aspects of a deep friendship are there but all the while he can alter, fix, force or insist, he isn't what *I* would call a friend.

agirl

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 28

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 2:19:59 PM

eleusis

Posts: 15
Joined: 2/22/2009
Status: offline

How important is friendship to you in a bdsm partner?
To me, it's one of the most important things. I see the base of a D/s relationship as an equal triangle- with the corners being friendship, trust, and respect. Without those attributes, there is nothing for me to build on.

Is it possible to create a friendship when there has been no past, as in on-line relationship, or long distance relationship.
Of course. Friendships always start without a "past", except maybe in the case of identical twins. Everyone was once a stranger, or an acquaintance, prior to becoming a friend. Does not matter where I meet a person- online or in life, at a club or the grocery store. There is always a beginning to a friendship.

Is your bdsm partner a friend? Or are your friends something that you define outside of play?
When I was in a D/s relationship He was my best Friend, regardless of where we were or what we were doing.

Have you ever had a long standsing friendship turn into a lifestyle partner?
Yes, I have.

Do you manage to maintain friendship once a bdsm relationship is over?
Again, yes. It's not always easy; there are a lot of conflicting emotions sometimes, but I can't imagine a time I would not consider Him my Friend.

Generally therefore what is the role of friendship to you and how do you define it both in the lifestyle and out of it.
Friendship does not come easy to me. I have many acquaintances, but few I would consider real friends. However, once I make a friend, it's pretty much for life (barring some horrific betrayal of that friendship on their part). Friends hold a place of honor in my life- within the lifestyle, or outside of it. They are the people that would be my family, had I been given the opportunity to make that choice. They are the people that I want in my life, that I am comfortable with, and that I enjoy being in the company of. They lift me up, they understand me, and they make me a better person through my interactions with them.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 29

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 3:12:12 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eleusis

Is it possible to create a friendship when there has been no past, as in on-line relationship, or long distance relationship.
Of course. Friendships always start without a "past", except maybe in the case of identical twins. Everyone was once a stranger, or an acquaintance, prior to becoming a friend. Does not matter where I meet a person- online or in life, at a club or the grocery store. There is always a beginning to a friendship.

Your answer really shocked me. When I read your answer over and over it made me realise that, because I am a twin, I do actually have a relationship in my life where I have never known strangeness. If anything we have forced ourselves my twin and I, to grow apart, to be different, and to struggle for separateness and sense of self-worth.
ut a corollary of this is that I somehow have this 'non-strangeness' as a basis for what I define as friendship. Friends come from all different strata, ages, races, classes, occupations etc in my life. What defines them as friends is that the relationship started as if I 'fell' into an almst instantaeneous empathy. It was as if we had been friends forever on first meeting.
I think this feeling of empathy does translate into a good basis for a bdsm partner. Since deep empathy forms a strong basis for trust (if one can empathise with another one can have a deeper undertsnding of what the other is really feeling and hence be able to trust them), then I equate friendship with trust. Trust is therefore one of those aspects of relationship that I feel belongs in both camps, friend and dominant.
If I find it difficult to know where a person is coming from, you know there world view, then there would be no basis for undertsanding and therefore trust in the potentially harmful world of limiyless submission.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to eleusis)

Post #: 30

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 6:12:07 PM

MidMichCowboy

Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline

For my dear friend Prinsexx:

This is a poem about friendship turning to love:

A powerful radiance is felt instantly.
Flames of passion dance in his eyes.
He makes my heart ache with desire.
His words are music to my soul
That fill me with love and longing.
His mind holds the wisdom of the ancients.
His heart holds compassion and love.
His lips hold a promise of sensual delights.
His arms provide security and warmth.
He is as humble as a beggar on the street,
Yet as noble as a Viking chief.
There is a sense of mystery about him;
But his life, he has opened for me to see.
He is truly a beautiful and amazing man;
He is the best of all my dreams.
I will love him throughout eternity.
With not part, but with all that is me.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 31

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 6:40:30 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

You guys and your need for everything to be about bdsm.

it is about relationships. You have people in your lives that you do things with. some are acquaintances some are friends and some are super groovy kind of friends.

I have met you ho bags out and about and nailed ya the first night we met. Some became friends and fuckees, others acquaintances and some were kicked to the curb.

Do I seek a friendship before play? Usually not. Who has got that kind of time? I seek someone that I am physically attracted to, appears to have most of their feces rounded up, and someone who sends out the vibe that they won't stab me in my sleep..Hey, then we are good to go! In time it might become deeper and it usually does.

After all, I am a fairly good judge of character and usually follow my gut when it comes to plundering the treasures of the weaker sex.

I am on my way to sack your city.

_____________________________

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)

Post #: 32

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/16/2009 7:42:49 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

You guys and your need for everything to be about bdsm.

it is about relationships. You have people in your lives that you do things with. some are acquaintances some are friends and some are super groovy kind of friends.

I have met you ho bags out and about and nailed ya the first night we met. Some became friends and fuckees, others acquaintances and some were kicked to the curb.

Do I seek a friendship before play? Usually not. Who has got that kind of time? I seek someone that I am physically attracted to, appears to have most of their feces rounded up, and someone who sends out the vibe that they won't stab me in my sleep..Hey, then we are good to go! In time it might become deeper and it usually does.

After all, I am a fairly good judge of character and usually follow my gut when it comes to plundering the treasures of the weaker sex.

I am on my way to sack your city.

Domiguy----
You sure you're not channellingGeorge Carlin? :>
Well-said, many truisms, and funny as hell.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 33

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/17/2009 1:13:02 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

For my dear friend Prinsexx:

This is a poem about friendship turning to love:

A powerful radiance is felt instantly.
Flames of passion dance in his eyes.
He makes my heart ache with desire.
His words are music to my soul
That fill me with love and longing.
His mind holds the wisdom of the ancients.
His heart holds compassion and love.
His lips hold a promise of sensual delights.
His arms provide security and warmth.
He is as humble as a beggar on the street,
Yet as noble as a Viking chief.
There is a sense of mystery about him;
But his life, he has opened for me to see.
He is truly a beautiful and amazing man;
He is the best of all my dreams.
I will love him throughout eternity.
With not part, but with all that is me.

Just got up Cowboy. Made tea and read this. Beautiful words. And I , for once am speechless.
Who the hell said Barbarians don't have souls?

PS Gonna get back atcha for this my friend (smiles).
Prin xx

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)

Post #: 34

RE: Frienship the trua catalyst - 3/17/2009 1:16:13 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

iled ya the first night we met. Some became friends and fuckees, others acquaintances and some were kicked to the curb.

Do I seek a friendship before play? Usually not.

It's cool seeing it from the other side.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 35

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Frienship the trua catalyst

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.203