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How to deal with a deadbeat dom


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How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 4:42:46 AM   
desoutter


Posts: 37
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline 		This is an all too familiar occurance for me of late:
How does one deal with a deadbeat dom?
I have recently met a so called gentleman and his sub (all right this was almost a year ago)...

the scenario: I was invited to dinner by some friends...
I walked into their home and we talked for a while - had a guinness and somehow we all proceeded to discuss the lifestyle - as it turns out - they are both 'actively' involved. He is also a photogropher and began to show me pictures of his sub (wife) with admiration... I have a keen eye (anal retentive) for rope work and instantly determined his ability to properly rope was severly lacking... To test the waters I made the comment that "maybe I could show you a few knots... a few turns..." and I got this in return "ohhh Ive been doing this for a long time! I just tie her up and take some pictures" hmmmm

so as not to be insulting I thanked them for the guinness and the conversation and made a hasty exit... Now I know the sub/wife and she is very interested in the lifestyle but very green... I feel she has just ended up with a bottom of the rung dom... (other comments he made and his overall attitude confirms this)

I know its not my place to question any other dom's abilities, capabilities or disabilities... but I just feel for the situation...

what to do?


< Message edited by desoutter -- 1/22/2006 4:45:10 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 5:26:43 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 350
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		Leave it be. You offered to show him some things, knots, turns, whatever. And he declined. As long as these two are happy, what should you or I care of this Dom's abilities? To try and do anything more at this point will show your lack of discretion. There will always be someone better at something. It's up to each of us to decide how well we want to be at what we can do.

_____________________________

Vini, Vidi, Dominatus

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 5:40:11 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 1512
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

what to do?


Shed a tear for that poor sub.
You tried to help; it fell on deaf ears.

_____________________________

Will you show me something that nobody else has seen?
- R.E.M.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 5:51:07 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 1886
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Remember that there are doctors who graduated medical school with a d, and they have patients running around alive.

Such is life, if everybody thinks they are happy there is no distinction that they only think it, it seems true for them, Ja?

_____________________________

"Schlau, aber nichts wahr" Albert Einstein

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 5:56:40 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 384
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		Were you concerned that his rope work was not done safely, or just not "pretty"? I'd love to be able to do some of the gorgeous rope work I've seen in pictures, but the reality is that I am very basic in my ties and knots, but they do the job. It may not look pretty, but I am always safe with it.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 6:39:51 AM   
Chaingang


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: desoutter
what to do?


You came to the right place for answers.

What you should do is mind your own fucking business and ask yourself why you want to be an intrusive bastard. People accept you into their home and right away you want to start telling everyone how things are done properly? My take reading between the lines is that you want this person's sub/wife. Nice.

Note to self: desoutter = unacceptable dinner guest.


_____________________________

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." - Steven Wright

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 7:26:00 AM   
DesertRat


Posts: 1447
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaingang

quote:

ORIGINAL: desoutter
what to do?


You came to the right place for answers.

What you should do is mind your own fucking business and ask yourself why you want to be an intrusive bastard. People accept you into their home and right away you want to start telling everyone how things are done properly? My take reading between the lines is that you want this person's sub/wife. Nice.

Note to self: desoutter = unacceptable dinner guest.



That seems uncharacteristically harsh, Chaingang. My answer to "what to do?" would be "nothing", and I acknowledge the possibility the guy might have an inclination, however slight, to 'improve' conditions for the girl. He did, however, walk away from the situation, so I'd say he's clean at this point.

Bob


_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson

(in reply to Chaingang)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 7:42:07 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 1850
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		The decision regarding dead beat or not is not yours---you had but a few minutes and made a decision based on your values and expectations--

these posts are filled daily with derivatives and variations on a theme---what is good for one may not work for another--

_____________________________

"I would rather 30 seconds of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Steel Magnolias

Mistress Hathor

Proud owner of subtoFemDommes--who is known as Her private label in training.

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 8:00:18 AM   
Chaingang


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesertRat
That seems uncharacteristically harsh, Chaingang. My answer to "what to do?" would be "nothing", and I acknowledge the possibility the guy might have an inclination, however slight, to 'improve' conditions for the girl. He did, however, walk away from the situation, so I'd say he's clean at this point.


Well, he's clean for now but still thinking about something for sure. Normal human motives being what they are...plus his angle is not to improve the circumstances for this Master, but for the sub. How's he going to do that, eh?

Poor, poor sub...tsk, tsk...what shall we do...? Yeah, right...!

I'd say he's trying to set himself up as some kind of hero in his own mind while he tries to steal this woman away from someone. Now mind you, he didn't say the Dom was scum of the earth or anything, so why does he worry about the sub getting a sub-par Dom?

Something smells odd to me here.

BTW, people not knowing how to mind their own business is absolutely a pet peeve of mine. Unless I ask for their opinions about something, I don't want to hear it. He wasn't asked, he offered - and was shut down. Why isn't that enough? Why is he here asking about it?

As MrDiscipline44 said:
"As long as these two are happy, what should you or I care of this Dom's abilities?"

Motive? Is this guy some kind of Dom Superhero? Does he run around in a mask and cape solving ordinary subs' problems for them every day in the name of "Truth, Justice, and the BDSM Way"? WTF?


_____________________________

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." - Steven Wright

(in reply to DesertRat)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 8:07:14 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 311
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: desoutter

This is an all too familiar occurance for me of late:
How does one deal with a deadbeat dom?
I have recently met a so called gentleman and his sub (all right this was almost a year ago)...

the scenario: I was invited to dinner by some friends...
I walked into their home and we talked for a while - had a guinness and somehow we all proceeded to discuss the lifestyle - as it turns out - they are both 'actively' involved. He is also a photogropher and began to show me pictures of his sub (wife) with admiration... I have a keen eye (anal retentive) for rope work and instantly determined his ability to properly rope was severly lacking... To test the waters I made the comment that "maybe I could show you a few knots... a few turns..." and I got this in return "ohhh Ive been doing this for a long time! I just tie her up and take some pictures" hmmmm

so as not to be insulting I thanked them for the guinness and the conversation and made a hasty exit... Now I know the sub/wife and she is very interested in the lifestyle but very green... I feel she has just ended up with a bottom of the rung dom... (other comments he made and his overall attitude confirms this)

I know its not my place to question any other dom's abilities, capabilities or disabilities... but I just feel for the situation...

what to do?



I agree with the responses I've seen. Leave it alone, it really is none of your business how he does his knots. If they are happy who cares?

Personally I could care one whit what a rope knot looks like, so long as it does the job.

C~

_____________________________

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style"

- Despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 8:16:46 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 862
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

This is an all too familiar occurance for me of late:


It doesn't make any sense to me to call the guy a "deadbeat dom" just because he isn't interested in tying up his woman the way you think he should. Makes me suspect you're just not happy that these folks don't want to listen to a "know it all" dom.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 1/22/2006 8:18:40 AM >

_____________________________

I like kitty cats

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 8:27:22 AM   
IceyOne


Posts: 241
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline 		Sorry, but I agree with everyone else. It's none of your business so stay out of it.

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 8:58:04 AM   
Chaingang


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline 		Happypervert:

You mean well, but the signature statement is probably out of line.

_____________________________

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." - Steven Wright

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 9:37:21 AM   
cravinspankin


Posts: 96
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Ok. I'm not a Dominant, but i feel compelled to answer this one, asking the Dominants to pardon me this time.
So, this guy appears to be a bit inexperienced. Why the title of the thread? What makes him a deadbeat Dom? When I saw that headline I thought maybe this guy was lazing around the house while his sub(s) worked to support him.
And so his bondage technique is not up to your standards. So what? He's not tying you up.
If it works for him and his sub, let it go.
You offered some tips, he declined, perhaps because he sensed your supremacist attitude? And that attitude was evident from the fact that when he declined your "help," you made a hasty exit. Hmmmm. perhaps a bit offended that he didn't want your "expertise?"
That said... One of the things I respect most about a couple Dom friends I know is that they're always seeking to learn. They don't hesitate when they see someone using something they've never tried, or a technique they've never seen, to ask about it.
While I think everyone in this lifestyle who is more experienced should be willing to help along those of us who are newer to this lifestyle, as with Anything else... that help should be sought.. if they want help, they'll ask for it. No need to get offended if the offer to teach someone is not taken.
Just my two cents worth.

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 9:59:02 AM   
transcendence


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline 		Speaking of deadbeats !

(Sincere apologies to the Masters for interjecting in their thread)

This situation reminds me of one I was in not long ago when a now-notorious cm playboy was trying to get me to play with him behind his pet's back. Even though I didn't know there were also others, I had the same sense of impending trouble for the sub that you seem to here. But I didn't do anything except drop out of the picture.

Guess I went by the rule that you see something in a relationship that looks wrong, you should keep it to yourself. In retrospect, I still stand by that rule. But now I believe there's grounds for exception when someone's likely to get hurt. One should speak up when one sees nonconsensual sadism. I'm sorry, Katylied.

Desoutter, it doesn't sound like that's the case in your situation, so keep your peace.

And now I'll go back to keeping mine. ;)

(in reply to cravinspankin)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 10:49:20 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 2933
Status: offline
quote:

He is also a photogropher and began to show me pictures of his sub (wife) with admiration... I have a keen eye (anal retentive) for rope work and instantly determined his ability to properly rope was severly lacking... To test the waters I made the comment that "maybe I could show you a few knots... a few turns..." and I got this in return "ohhh Ive been doing this for a long time! I just tie her up and take some pictures" hmmmm

so as not to be insulting I thanked them for the guinness and the conversation and made a hasty exit... Now I know the sub/wife and she is very interested in the lifestyle but very green... I feel she has just ended up with a bottom of the rung dom... (other comments he made and his overall attitude confirms this)

I know its not my place to question any other dom's abilities, capabilities or disabilities... but I just feel for the situation...
what to do?
Nowhere do you mention safety concerns, so I don't understand why he is bottom of the rung dom. Is there a beautiful rope tying degree one should get before experimenting?
If your concern was safety, I could understand your continuing to think about it; if it was beauty/presentation, the most I would have offered in your position is "hey I know some other interesting ways to do this if you're ever interested, I'd love to show you", accept their response and mind my business. M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 1/22/2006 10:50:03 AM >

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 11:04:21 AM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 361
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesertRat

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaingang

quote:

ORIGINAL: desoutter
what to do?


You came to the right place for answers.
... My take reading between the lines is that you want this person's sub/wife. Nice.



That seems uncharacteristically harsh, Chaingang....




Yes, harsh, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind as well.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

"Myths are public dreams, dreams are private myths." - Joseph Campbell

(in reply to DesertRat)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 11:40:55 AM   
honeygirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/12/2004
Status: offline 		I too beg the pardon of the Masters for responding to this thread.

Transcendance,
I mean no disrespect to you, however, you may have unintentionally publicized personal information that the recipient of your apology might not have wanted broadcast.

In my opinion, it does not seem like a valid comparison to liken aesthetically displeasing knots created by a Dom whose sub is happy with that Dom (and vice versa) to a Dom who lies about his goals/relationship status.

Desoutter,
I find it perplexing that you would feel internal conflict about an event that took place a year ago that involved ropes that were not to your liking! It seems a bit much for you to go on to create a post labelling him as "bottom of the rung" and a deadbeat. If that couple is happy and if neither is being harmed, you may want to strongly consider leaving them to their fun.

If you feel a burning need to share your rope tying skills, you might look into local munches or clubs that might allow you to showcase your talents and share them with others who are interested in being taught.


(in reply to transcendence)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 11:49:11 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 1850
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I can't abide ropes, nails too long, takes too much prep, give Me CHAINS!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

"I would rather 30 seconds of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Steel Magnolias

Mistress Hathor

Proud owner of subtoFemDommes--who is known as Her private label in training.

(in reply to honeygirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How to deal with a deadbeat dom - 1/22/2006 11:51:13 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 2678
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		And in the Red Corner, we have The Masked Mystery Dead Beat Dom displaying his lack of tidy knot tying....

In the Blue Corner we have the resound desoutter, trying to display his expertise in knot tying and how to be an all round good guy by correcting everyine's mistakes and putting them down.

The prize may well be the sub in question....Gentlemen when the gong sounds come out touch ropes and start knotting!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

Be Well
Iron Bear

Master of House Iron Bear


Yes, I am a Master, but not your Master..........


The Incorrigible, irrepressible, irreverent grizzly



(in reply to honeygirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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