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Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 9:01:24 AM   
PrincessEllie


Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline 		Ugh. This is a question that isn't remotely related to BDSM but I decided to ask it here anyway, because I have no idea whatsoever what to do.

Yesterday morning, the mother of a friend of my Dom passed away in a tragic and random car accident. I went to High School with this boy, but never actually had a conversation with him. I know of him but have never met him. Because he is a friend of my Dom, my Dom wants to go to the Wake to give his condolences to this friend. Neither I or my Dom has ever met this woman, and I haven't even really met this boy. So, essentially, I'm three times unattached from this wake. I didn't know her, or her son, but I know my Dom. He told me he would like me to come with him, so I said yes.

I've never been to a wake before. Let alone one for someone I have never ever met. I don't know what to wear, my most conservative black dress and heels look too partyish for a Wake. And what the hell sort of makeup is appropriate? I feel like a tool wearing black for someone I've never met. It's just a very awkward situation for me.

I will likely switch over into a submissive place in my head. When I am in a situation where I feel unbelievably awkward, I just end up thinking "I'm doing this for my Dom, I have to pretend everything is okay and be good and quiet just for him." And I usually end up hiding behind him, holding onto his shirttail for the entire time. And I expect that will happen to me at this Wake.

Also, dead bodies terrify me. Not by themselves, because that sort of death is natural. But if they have an open casket it means they dressed the diseased in a pretty dress, and applied makeup, and did a million things to make it look like she's just sleeping in her party clothes. That terrifies me.

Please, anyone who has ever been to a Wake, especially for someone they don't know, please respond. I'm just so confused and I feel awkward and stupid.


_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--
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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 9:07:20 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Black isnt necessary..just wear a fairly conservative subdued color. 

Makeup.. keep it to a minimum.

If your dom requires you to join him in viewing the body, grab his hand and close your eyes.





_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 9:10:40 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Honestly woman.  If  I go before you and you come conservative to my send off... I will haunt you baby...
 
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 2/27/2009 9:11:01 AM >

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 9:24:10 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		it was billed as a "viewing" by a quasi-LDS family...not a "wake"...but it was still a new experience in dealing with the passing of a loved one.  20 years old, they dressed Codi up in a white wedding dress with a rhinestone tiara and white lace gloves.  the ring this slave gave Codi was on her hand...they pointed it out after she approached the family that was surrounding the open casket.
 
Codi's mother was hovering over the casket, re-arranging the picture books and trinkets they had placed in the casket alongside the body.  she insisted that this slave hug Codi, that she was here with us, at that moment and it would mean so much.
 
it was the most terrifying thing this slave could think of at that moment---actually touching the dead body of her best friend.  it hurt so bad just to see her lying there, lifeless.  on the other hand, it meant so much to Codi's mom for this slave to fuss over her, talk to her like she was still there and lean into the casket and give her a hug.  the body was cold...the shoulders were heavy and didn't hug back like they used to, but it it brought Codi's mom comfort, so she did it.
 
it doesn't really matter if you knew the person or not...the wake, the viewing, the service---it's ALL for the comfort of those left behind.  this slave would encourage you to ascertain the religious/cultural affiliation of the family and dress in accordance with whatever tradition(s) they hold with regards to a wake.

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 10:03:08 AM   
PrincessEllie


Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks everyone. I feel better about it now. I know the family is catholic, but my Dom and I are leaving before the prayer.

Also, Mr. The Dark, I don't think his mom wanted a Kinky wake. If I go to yours I'll be sure to wear leather. (Black of course)

I'm just going to try and get thought it and be supportive to my Dom and his friend.


_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 11:29:43 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Just so you know Ellie, I'm female.  Darcy is the Mr.
 
And I apologise Ellie, I should have highlighted Greedy statement as I was responding to her.  But I also wanted to add, I don't want a 'kinky' funeral.  However, when I said that I do not want 'conservative' that is to say that I don't want people to mourn me and wear clothing that is not 'them'.  I would much have a celebration of the life I lived, and have my family and friends smiling and being happy, rather than mourning and sad.  I believe it is important to find out what the person who passed away would want, rather than rely on convention and what is expected of others.  You could request your dominant ask what this lady would have enjoyed.  She may have a favourite colour or flower you could add a dash of.  I just find it is both respectful and honouring her memory to do what she would have liked.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 11:35:04 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I've read that black is no longer expected for such services.  At my father-in-law's funeral his wife requested that the girls (her daughters and me) wear floral dresses because she thought that would have pleased him.  Wear something that you are comfortable in.  I've made a habit to always keep a black dress appropriate for a formal occasion in my closet but that's because I'm old fashioned in some respects.  I keep it because that's what makes me comfortable.

If you need to talk with the son just have empathy for him.  This has no doubt been a trying time for him, and you can keep it to something as simple as, "I'm very sorry for your loss", or if you want to avoid that you can mention that you know you attended the same high school.  He won't be up for any long conversations with strangers.  Putting yourself in your submissive state of mind sounds perfect.  Think of it as a task if that helps, and just picture yourself being as pleasing to your Dom as possible.  I'm sure that part of why he wants you there is to make him feel better.  Concentrate on that I'm sure it will be something he will never forget.



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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 12:00:05 PM   
PrincessEllie


Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Just so you know Ellie, I'm female.  Darcy is the Mr.

Ah, see I think I have briefly had contact with Mr. Darcy on the forums. I was under the impression that it was a one person account belonging to your Darcy. But now I know better, sorry for calling you a man. If it makes you feel better, my full name is Ellis and I still get mail sent to Mr. Ellis...

And, unfortunately, the woman died tragically only Wednesday and the wake was scheduled for Friday (today). I didn't even know I was going until this morning for sure, so I don't think it would be possible to find out anything about her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

I've read that black is no longer expected for such services.  At my father-in-law's funeral his wife requested that the girls (her daughters and me) wear floral dresses because she thought that would have pleased him.  Wear something that you are comfortable in.  I've made a habit to always keep a black dress appropriate for a formal occasion in my closet but that's because I'm old fashioned in some respects.  I keep it because that's what makes me comfortable.


I too have heard that conservative dress is a good idea, but black is no longer required as well. Partially, I feel wearing black is silly, because I'm not in mourning for her. I'm simply there to offer support. But on the other hand, all the other dresses I own are too party-ish and colorful. I'm sticking to my one conservative dress which happens to be black...

Thank you all for responding, I feel better about going now. You look awkward if you feel awkward, so I'll just pretend to be confident. And I will absolutely rely on my Dom to make sure it doesn't get too bad. He dislikes "gross" things more than me, so even if there is a open casket (but it was a car accident so it might be closed) we will stay far from it.


_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 12:01:27 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Wakes and funerals are for the living not the dead. Focus on your ability to provide comfort and condolences for the loss others have suffered.
Focus on the idea that this friend of your Dom could have developed into a friend of yours had you had the time focus on listening to the stories of the man's life and how he touched others lives. What they The family and friends need is an audience to listen to and validate their feelings of loss.

Clothing? anything conservative enough for a business will be seen as fine.



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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 12:03:08 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		It's never a bad idea to swear that you saw her move.

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 12:31:04 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		That's not funny.  When I was a little kid and had to go to my first funeral at age 6, I swore they DID move, and no one would believe me....and I thought the smell of the carnations was actually the smell of the dead body....to this day, when I smell carnations, all I can think of is death and funerals.  (okay, it really was funny....)

But anyway....in other parts of the country, we call it "calling hours".... I think it's a midwest thing....:)

Along with the dressing and making up conservatively, just remember that there really are no expectations for you other than to just "be there".  When going through the receiving line, just shake their hands and murmur something like "I'm very sorry for your loss."  That's really all you have to do.  If you're standing quietly with your dom, no one's really going to be paying much attention to you anyway.  Just give your condolences and bide your time until you can leave.



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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 12:48:50 PM   
corysub


Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Anything you would wear to an informal restaurant for dinner (other than jeans, although I have seen people with jeans at wakes) would be more than appropriate.  It's the fact that you are there is what people will appreciate.

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 12:53:05 PM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline 		When I worked at a Funeral Home several years ago, I was staffing a "wake" & one of the kids came up to me & just SWORE that Grandma moved.....................  Took me quite awhile to convince him otherwise.

OP, you're going to support your Dom's friend. Funerals/Wakes are for the family, it doesn't matter if you knew the deceased, the family appreciates the folks that attend & offer support.  I usually wear something dark, but as someone pointed out, business casual is fine.

If corpses unsettle you, ask your Dom if you can sit in the very back. If not, during the service, just keep your eyes closed, like your lost in memories. Noone will know that you're scared but you & your Dom.

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Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 1:30:41 PM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie

I feel like a tool wearing black for someone I've never met. It's just a very awkward situation for me.



you are WAY overthinking things. this isn't about you. this is about honoring someone who has passed. unless your rear end or breasts are hanging out of your dress, no one is going to be paying attention to what you are wearing. unless your makeup is overapplied and tacky beyond belief, no one is going to notice how it looks. go quietly, watch, and follow everyone else's lead.

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 2:08:35 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		FR

Even though you never met this person... your Dom's life has been affected by his friend, whose life was affected by his mother..
and your Dom has affected you...like ripples in a pond.

We never know how our lives may tangentially affect an other's.

(if that helps personalise it...)

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 5:01:37 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Honestly woman.  If  I go before you and you come conservative to my send off... I will haunt you baby...
 
the.dark.


oh jeez, like thats a threat!  *smoooches and love to you both*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 5:03:07 PM   
FullCircle


Posts: 5713
Joined: 11/24/2005
Status: offline 		Don't you just hate it hate it when you are the only one wearing a Hawaiian shirt at a funeral?

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 5:32:38 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Hello Princess Ellie,
 
I agree with the general comments of dressing conservatively and keeping make-up minimal.  Also wear little if any perfume because in close quarters that can be over-whelming.  Remember how some of the older church ladies can knock you over with their expensive frangrances?  Many people have allergic reactions to that.
 
You can find out if you will be strictly inside or also going to the graveyard for the coffin lowering ceremony.  Spike heels will get you stuck in the turf so wear flats instead if that is the case.
 
Eat a light meal before you go and watch your caffeine intake.
Some people will feel quesy and being hyper or needing to use the bathroom during the service is very awkward.
 
 
Bring extra tissues and wear waterproof make-up because even if you do not know the deceased all of the sorrow can really tear you up.
 
Be polite and kind and offer hugs to those who want them and handshakes to the more reserved people.
 
And about the whole open casket idea, that seems to be primarly a U.S. custom and I think it is ghastly.  I much prefer that the casket is closed and a large photo is placed on a stand to the side.
 
My family tends to get very emotional at such services and I have seen everything from yelling and fighting to hysterics.  When my aunt passed she left a big mess for my mother and mom had her moments of cussing out the corpse. 



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"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 5:56:11 PM   
outlier


Posts: 1111
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		Princess,

There was a time when what you are about to do was
usually called "Paying your respects".

That is what you are going to be doing. By being
there you are showing respect for her son. Your
dom thinks enough of him to call him friend. You
are showing that you respect that.

Also you are supporting your dom. Being there
for him as he is there for his friend.

Let me tell you a story. When my mom died one of
my friends and a customer of mine asked about the
service and said he would show up. I said it was not
necessary because he did not know my mom. He looked
at me and said, "At a time like this, you need to know
who your friends are."

It was the only time I ever saw him in a suit.
But he was there. I never forgot it.

Outlier





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"A happy sex life may take years to achieve, but it’s worth it in the long run.
Worth the time, the thought - or rather, the thoughtfulness - and, often,
the waiting." Pete Seeger

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RE: Going to the wake of a person I've never met- Help! - 2/27/2009 6:56:49 PM   
philosophy


Posts: 5284
Joined: 2/15/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

It's never a bad idea to swear that you saw her move.


...and when viewing the body a discreet wolf whistle can cheer people up.......

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