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stella41b -> RE: Don't Really Expect Anyone to Understand - just need someplace to say this. (2/24/2009 11:00:45 AM)
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"I'm wishing on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishing on a dream
To follow what it means'
Rose Royce, 'Wishin' on a star'
It's really hard being in your situation, and I do really feel for you, having been in and out of similar situations over the past four years.
I fall into the 'let it go' camp.
It's almost four years ago when I first came across Ala in a lesbian chatroom on Wirtualna Polska, a Polish website. At first *coughs* I didn't want to speak with her, I thought she was a fake, and was convinced that she was a man. She was in Bialystok, in the far north east of Poland, I was in Zywiec, on the border with Slovakia in the deep south. I was meant to be moving back to Warsaw after my contract ended in Zywiec (I was developing the first ever theatre in that town's history).
It was the same situation as the OP dexcribes, she's looking for a submissive or slave, she wanted me to be her submissive/slave, but I couldn't get my life together and I was too far away.
It was 2005, the year when Pope John Paul II died, Hurricane Katrina happened, Lech Kaczynski became Polish president, and after a successful premiere in Zywiec I came out publicly as me, Stella, a transgendered female, and announced that I would be attending the Warsaw Equality Parades to speak up for the Polish LGBT community.
I remember the Warsaw Equality Parade that year well. It was bitterly cold, ankle deep in snow, about 4,000 of us surrounded by a thick cordon of police in Plac Konstytucji - Constitution Square, in the centre of Warsaw, twice as many anti-gay protestors, and I was already by that time street homeless and destitute. Ala couldn't take me in, she lived in a village the other side of Bialystok, she had kids, and I tried for three weeks or more to find a room and work, but in the end I had to give up and return back to the UK. Throughout my homelessness Ala stood by me, she sent me text messages every day. New Year's Eve 2005, when I discovered I had found a plaec in a hostel in London we lost contact. She was in Germany, and had her cellphone stolen.
Over three years we could never get it together, we lost contact with each other on numerous occasions, she almost found a man in Germany, I almost went to a domme in the States, but periodically we would find each other and make contact.
Last December we made contact again, but decided that it was 'now or never'. I sent her her fare to come to London. She arrived 28th December, private collaring New Years Day, and she went back to Poland on the morning of February 14th. Last night she sent a text to say she's going to be here Sunday.
No expectations. I can't even tell you if I'm now a submissive, a slave or a pet.. I'd have to ask her and see what she decides. The only thing that's consistent about us is that we're both happy.
People tend to approach relationships having expectations, and it's these expectations which can hurt, they can cause fears, anguish, disappointment, disillusionment, despair. I had given up when this happened, no more searching, no more disappointments, I just settled for friendship, no more.
Circumstances neither make a relationship nor exclude one, because if the feeling and commitment is strong enough you can get through everything, and by letting go if he does come back to you, you will know that it has a better than avreage chance of working out.
And I wish you the very best and hope that you and your potential slave actually do make it through. I will pray for you and for this to happen.
Be well.
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