Changing my name - how to break it to the parents

Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (Full Version)

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SomethingCatchy -> Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:18:07 PM)
I've decided to change my first name, and so far it's gone very well with my friends and coworkers. I just started a new job so everyone only knows me as "Samantha". The problem is, I believe my mother will be against using my new name. I will not be changing my middle name, so she's more than welcome to call me that, but I need advice. My mother and I have a strained relationship, and I don't talk to her often (enough to keep in touch, but I'm not chomping at the bit to be best buddies). She's always been very outspoken about things she doesn't agree with, giving unsolicitated advice and assuming that I'll take it (over bearing to a point), and I have a feeling she'll have an eye-roll approach to this. I don't really give a rats ass what she thinks and I live hundreds of miles away from my family for a reason, but I will eventually bring the topic up. What advice do you have for dealing with someone who is against change? She named me, and I can understand if she's resistant, and I don't expect her to accept it, but there's got to be a way to make things move smoothly.

RealSub58 -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:23:39 PM)
A very good friend in college changed the spelling of her name. If you are over 18 or 21, depends on State laws, you can do with your name as you choose. Legally speaking. Take your parents out to dinner and tell them all your thoughts and feelings of why you are changing the name they gave you. If she doesnt respect your wishes, so what. Are you not an adult? Do not let your mum control the way your feel or think. I too have had a strained relationship with mum. I refuse to allow her thoughts and feelings to control how I feel and think. Good luck "I learn by going where I have to go." ~~Theodore Roethke from "TheWaking" Edited to add: I was given a beautifully unusual first name, but my mum has never used it but on rare occasions. She got in the habit of shortening it and is the only one in my family who doesn't call me by my given name, the name she chose for me. Ha !!

aravain -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:28:55 PM)
I took a look at your profile... (hope you don't mind) to ground myself to what type of/reasons for the name change. I didn't get the impression that your MtF, so that's where this advice is coming from: I'd say just go ahead and tell her. If it's not unbearable to hear, why not suggest that she can use the old first name as a nickname?

corysub -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:34:14 PM)
Lets see...my Italian mother would cry and scream and ask God why He was punishing her this way...My father would look at me with a major feeling of...WTF are you kidding me??

SomethingCatchy -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:34:21 PM)
I live about 700-800 miles away so dinner is not an option (or something I wouldn't enjoy doing). And while my mother is very good at putting on a public face, I can read her like a book. The whole arched eyebrow, pursed lips, and teeth grinding is a very obvious sign that whatever I just said ranked high on the 'really stupid shit my daughter does' scale. I know this is the reaction I would get, along with the standard warning about how difficult life is and how I need to be careful (because changing my name puts me in grave danger, along with filing my taxes, sitting in the library reading while it's dark outside, and eating too much pasta). I think the best way to describe her is - Control freak meets paranoid worry wart. I'm 23 years old, I can do whatever I want, and that gets on her nerves.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:36:22 PM)
I've always hated my first name, and I had a rough childhood. Think of the new name change as a way of making a fresh start. I get to leave the negative things behind that I associate with my name.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:41:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy I've decided to change my first name, and so far it's gone very well with my friends and coworkers. I just started a new job so everyone only knows me as "Samantha". The problem is, I believe my mother will be against using my new name. This is an easy one. Write a wonderful letter, discuss your youth, happy memories, times you and she did things together that were fun....etc. Then say "Mom...I was considering changing my name....I've 'tried on' several, but this is the one I just fell in love with....." "Leroy Alphonse Belvedere Montague, the 3rd". Then....on the beginning of page 2 write....."Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.........my second choice was Samantha".

GrizzlyBear -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:50:14 PM)
You are an adult, she's 800 miles away, who cares what she thinks is my first take on it. You could just tell her you've always wanted to be a Samantha, now you are, and she better get used to it. After all, most women change their last names when they marry, so what's the big deal about a name? But why not have some fun? Tell her it goes better with the new career as a Dominatrix, and she better not give you any grief about it or you'll come over with your bullwhip to give her a correction.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:51:57 PM)
lol at the last two. I like your suggestion of a letter, Nookie

Aylee -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 3:53:40 PM)
Just tell her, "Mom, this is what I prefer to go by and I have filed the papers to change it legally." She will either call you by the "new" name or not. My biological family are the only people that use my given name because I decided as a freshman in high school that I prefered something different and changed it on the paperwork. And that is how I have introduced myself to people since. Does it bother me that they do not use my "preferred" name? Nope. It just is not worth being bothered about. It is just what they associate me with in their heads.

aravain -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 4:00:54 PM)
Your mother sounds exactly like my own. Though, mine adds in a healthy dash of homophobia and similar things.

Vendaval -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 4:01:32 PM)
Why even tell them unless legal documentation like a will or such is involved?

masmiss -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 4:23:46 PM)
I'm old enough to be your mother and I'm telling you: Just do it. I had a horrible relationship with my mother, too. She hated everything I did that didn't revolve around her and her "issues". We ended up not speaking to each other for years and that was just fine with me. You're right about being 23 years old and being able to do what you want. It's your life.

kdsub -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 4:24:15 PM)
You have to know they will consider it an insult...most people with names they don't like take up nicknames but keep the legal name. I would not bring it up at all... if they do OK. Myself I could care less what name someone calls me by. I figure if I am important enough that they need to address me then they will use the right name or I'll ignore them. Butch

YoursMistress -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 4:42:07 PM)
My family had always addressed me by my middle name, as I shared the same first name as my father. When I finally moved out and got sick of trying to tell people why I didn't use my first name, I just started using it. 40 years later, my mother and sisters still call me by my middle name, no matter what I tell them. Your Mother will do what she does. That's not your job. Please enjoy! yours

thishereboi -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 5:42:26 PM)
If she lives hundreds of miles away and you rarely speak to her, why tell her anything at all?

MissBeautiful2U -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 5:57:42 PM)
Clearly you sense that this decision will hurt your mother. I've thought about it. I think I would be a bit upset if my own daughters changed their first names.... and I hope to keep a strong relationship with them. I understand you are an adult and this is your right to make this choice. I can also understand why it may be upsetting to your mother. Is there any reason you must change your name to your family? Particularly when you live so far away and visits are infrequent. I have one brother who was always called by a different name.... I don't really know all the details on why, he's actually an older stepbrother.... at any rate, I always knew him by the family name. It was really odd hearing his wife call him by his real name. How did this go? She would call him by his real name, the family called him by the name he always had, and everyone just accepted it. I KNOW he'd prefer to be called by the given name or else he'd never have given it out to his wife when he met her or to his friends.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 6:01:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thishereboi If she lives hundreds of miles away and you rarely speak to her, why tell her anything at all? (People, people...people....lest we not forget about the Christmas and birthday checks!)

Irishknight -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 6:58:30 PM)
My wife went through this when she changed her name. Her mother asked all the "What's wrong with the name I gave you?" questions for about a month. When the court papers came through, her mother grudgingly accepted it. After a few more months she even commented on the beautiful name my wife had picked. It took 2 years for her to quit slipping up and throwing out the old name but it all worked out. Strangely, the biggest problem with the name change came from my brother and shithead-in-law (can you tell how I feel about the brother's beast?). They told their children that they were lyiing about the name change and that they had to call their aunt by her old name. I tried to be polite for several months but then, in my fashion, I crawled their asses like they were children caught trying to burn the house down. I explained that this was a legal and binding name change performed in a court of law and that if they could not get their heads out of their asses and stop acting like fools, we were done. I even offered to bring a copy of the official paperwork to my creature in law and insert it up her giant rectum if she gave the girls a hard time over it again. Everyone now uses the right name and the girls got an apology from the beast.

lighthearted -> RE: Changing my name - how to break it to the parents (2/21/2009 7:35:43 PM)
you have to do what makes you happy, not other people. if your mom is going to curse at you it doesn't matter what your first name is, does it? [:D]

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