|
TranceTara -> RE: Self-discipline and Self -control (2/15/2009 5:06:32 PM)
|
oceanwynds,
Thank you so much for this thread. I respect the strength it took to ask the question and to do all the self reflection to submerge even deeper into that ocean.
Thank you to everyone who posted. I got so much from each and every one of your posts.
I went through something similar last year. I did not have anyone to talk to except the woman I was dealing with online and one of her slaves. I had emailed profuse amounts and she had mentioned they were a bit much and when I asked her slave if she every felt as if she might lose herself, or was frightened, she said no. She always knew what she was.
So, I then began judging myself, assuming I was wrong for such feelings and that any good submissive or slave would never have such feelings surface. Reading all of your posts has reassured me we are all individuals and what may not come up for some might be quite prevalent for another.
And, I can also relate to the bipolar aspect. I was on a medication that I knew affected me, but I had no idea how much so until I weaned to very small amounts. It caused panic attacks, some bipolar episodes and feelings of a nervous breakdown. This was all happening as those deep submissive feelings arose. I thought I was losing my mind at one point, asking this mistress if I were insane. I finally had to walk away from this long distance online interaction. I was too much for her and needed to find r/t support. Our communications had never progressed to phone and I realized, more than anything, I needed someone in r/t to just sit with me. I found a group, was able to cry and laugh and find out that the feelings that were arising were normal for me. I found another in the group, a slave who shared of his fear and terror as well as his willingness to go into those feelings rather than run from them. His Master was of great support for him during this time.
I was at the beach today and was watching the waves. They were so gentle. And that is how I look at my thoughts. Some days they are like a calm day at the beach, gently caressing the shore of my consciousness. And then there are days when they come crashing in upon me. All throughout I realize there is an inner stillness deep within and if I am in the midst of tears and terror, I can take a break into that stillness, then come back for more of the feelings. The Dalai Lama always uses the ocean as a metaphor for consciousness. The waves are our thoughts, our monkey mind, and the stillness of the deep is the Truth of who we are.
And another thing I realized reading these posts was that I had been afraid of feeling needy. Words seem so weird at times. When I used to say needy, what I was trying to convey was a vulnerability. I had been caretaker for my dad and mom as they died and have learned to be the strong one so I find I have not been willing to allow myself to be vulnerable lest I be considered weak. That was a most beautiful awareness and a most precious gift I received from you all. I see how caring all of your Dominants/Masters are and realize it is not about being a stoic, but being human and the willingness to do whatever it takes to grow as individuals and together. My most humble thanks.
Oh, and oceanwynds, to answer you from another thread, I have a red Fender Strat I do not play right now for I am very much into my acoustics. I mostly play my Ovation because I can take it anywhere. I also have a Taylor birds-eye Maple six-string and a Taylor Rosewood 12-string, both big bodies. Very curvy and sexy. [:D]
Again, thank you all. :-)
Edited for some spelling errors. Next time I'll use spell check. ;0)
|
|
|
|
