RE: This scares me. (Full Version)

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QuixoticErrant -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 6:35:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: QuixoticErrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

< sighs and takes a look at the ceiling before responding > 
There's this thing called the Cycle of Abuse.  There's the Honeymoon Stage, the Tension (-Building) Stage, and the Explosion Stage.  Between each is a period of decision-making that perpetuates movement to the next stage of the Cycle. 
What you're describing isn't a D/s relationship, it's an abusive relationship.  And, you're perpetuating it via going back for his attention over and over again.  Cut it out!  Seriously. 
I used to run groups for court-ordered domestic-violence offenders.  If there weren't pathological personality-types that went back to them, the offenders wouldn't have had anyone to abuse.  And, most of these lovely folks had ums which made me even more appalled.  I wouldn't have worked with the victims because I would have wound up throttling someone.  At least with the offenders, the potential for them going to jail was some level of recourse if they didn't exert effort toward change. 
Why am I going off on you?  Because you're 18 and you need to stop it before it becomes a life-long habit.  Work on whatever about yourself that needs working on before you continue this Cycle in perpetuity. 
Again, this isn't D/s, it's abuse and there IS a difference. 
Davan


This is what I am trying to say - but a bit more gently...



Problem is, I'm already seeing the cry of 'victim' and it's a label that is a choice to, among other things, absolve one of personal responsibility.  Nope.  Not feeding into it.  Victim does not equal no responsibility.  Submissive doesn't equal no responsibility.  And, while the directness with which I speak may be off-putting, the op is at an age where the grown-up world is a reality and has the opportunity to make the hard choice to shake off the mantle of 'victim' and take responsibility for how she walks forward.  I hope that she uses her inner resources to do so. 
Davan


I hear you.  I agree with you.  We all always have responsibility.  I have some of the same sense you do, however, I am not convinced she won't figure this out.  She's very young and she did have the sense to post this as "not right." 

To the OP, I apologize for writing about you in the third person. 

Davan really, really has a point.  The way to address this for real - and we both see potential misery in your life - is to ask what it is about this prick, and pricks like him that attract you.  Honestly, there a number of classic answers.  I do not wish to embarrass you by speculating, I only truly want you to ask yourself who these people remind you of.



lilmisssubmiss -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 6:36:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

< sighs and takes a look at the ceiling before responding > 
There's this thing called the Cycle of Abuse.  There's the Honeymoon Stage, the Tension (-Building) Stage, and the Explosion Stage.  Between each is a period of decision-making that perpetuates movement to the next stage of the Cycle. 
What you're describing isn't a D/s relationship, it's an abusive relationship.  And, you're perpetuating it via going back for his attention over and over again.  Cut it out!  Seriously. 
I used to run groups for court-ordered domestic-violence offenders.  If there weren't pathological personality-types that went back to them, the offenders wouldn't have had anyone to abuse.  And, most of these lovely folks had ums which made me even more appalled.  I wouldn't have worked with the victims because I would have wound up throttling someone.  At least with the offenders, the potential for them going to jail was some level of recourse if they didn't exert effort toward change. 
Why am I going off on you?  Because you're 18 and you need to stop it before it becomes a life-long habit.  Work on whatever about yourself that needs working on before you continue this Cycle in perpetuity. 
Again, this isn't D/s, it's abuse and there IS a difference. 
Davan


thanks for being blunt ....bec what you said is all true.. i agree with you
and the only person who can keep that from happening to me..is myself.


You're welcome.  Rock that thought process, stick with it, and you'll be just fine!  (The part about you preventing bad things from happening via not feeding into the Cycle, though I'm rarely averse to hearing that I'm right, lol!  :>  ).  And, if you don't know how to work on/through the issues that make such a person a draw, say so.  Resources are out there. 
Davan


Thank you...and yup of course.. i've figured out in my little time of life i've had that being independent means sometimes knowing when to ask for help and knowing where to get it.
:) 



SirRussellP -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 6:39:18 PM)

Well I am way older then 30 but I will give you some advice.

This lifestyle can be very dangerous in real life.  On the net it can be just fantasy, where any dream can be mmmm lived.  The moment you think you want this to be real it means you have to find a good Dominant to serve.

A good Dominant wants what is best for his submissive, even if that means going without.  A good Dominant will want to know your limits, know your triggers and will learn a great deal about you.  You can't control what you don't understand.  Doesn't seem like any of this happened at all.

My advice to you is to be very careful or you will end up with a real horror story like many subs have that gave their precious gift way too soon.



kiwisub12 -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 6:39:56 PM)

My first contact in bdsm was a "dom" who wanted me to dress in 5" heels, and skirts, and give his girl blow jobs in public places. [8|]. He was abusive, as was his girl, but i was so excited and horny, i continued to consider meeting him - and her because i wanted it so bad.   Talk about sub frenzy!!!

sounds to me that you were in the same position with this fellow - you wanted it so bad, that you were willing to overlook warning signs.  You see where you went wrong with the selection process, so in the future avoid similar situations.  You deserve what you want, and take your time and you will get it.  Just don't settle for less than you want and need. 
You also have a lot of time to get what you want. Don't rush!
Just remember - you deserve the best!!!!!



DavanKael -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 6:44:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: QuixoticErrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

< sighs and takes a look at the ceiling before responding > 
There's this thing called the Cycle of Abuse.  There's the Honeymoon Stage, the Tension (-Building) Stage, and the Explosion Stage.  Between each is a period of decision-making that perpetuates movement to the next stage of the Cycle. 
What you're describing isn't a D/s relationship, it's an abusive relationship.  And, you're perpetuating it via going back for his attention over and over again.  Cut it out!  Seriously. 
I used to run groups for court-ordered domestic-violence offenders.  If there weren't pathological personality-types that went back to them, the offenders wouldn't have had anyone to abuse.  And, most of these lovely folks had ums which made me even more appalled.  I wouldn't have worked with the victims because I would have wound up throttling someone.  At least with the offenders, the potential for them going to jail was some level of recourse if they didn't exert effort toward change. 
Why am I going off on you?  Because you're 18 and you need to stop it before it becomes a life-long habit.  Work on whatever about yourself that needs working on before you continue this Cycle in perpetuity. 
Again, this isn't D/s, it's abuse and there IS a difference. 
Davan


This is what I am trying to say - but a bit more gently...



Problem is, I'm already seeing the cry of 'victim' and it's a label that is a choice to, among other things, absolve one of personal responsibility.  Nope.  Not feeding into it.  Victim does not equal no responsibility.  Submissive doesn't equal no responsibility.  And, while the directness with which I speak may be off-putting, the op is at an age where the grown-up world is a reality and has the opportunity to make the hard choice to shake off the mantle of 'victim' and take responsibility for how she walks forward.  I hope that she uses her inner resources to do so. 
Davan

.......i am tkaing responisbiltiy...is my fault i let him do that i let him in my life not only that let him come back into my life.

in no ways am i saying it wasnt any of my fault cause it was...but that doesn't mean it didn't scare me.


I was concerned as seeing you refer to yourself as the victim.  While we can be victims in a circumstance, I think it's important not to allow it to be a substantive part of our personal identity.  That you're taking responsibility is a very good sign.  It should scare you: there is a difference between sexy scared and scared sh*tless.  I think the distinction lies in being able to make choices of partners who aren't going to abuse you and who are going to regard you as people and not objects or things to posess (And that sort of posess is different from D/s posession). 
  Davan  



DavanKael -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 6:49:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

< sighs and takes a look at the ceiling before responding > 
There's this thing called the Cycle of Abuse.  There's the Honeymoon Stage, the Tension (-Building) Stage, and the Explosion Stage.  Between each is a period of decision-making that perpetuates movement to the next stage of the Cycle. 
What you're describing isn't a D/s relationship, it's an abusive relationship.  And, you're perpetuating it via going back for his attention over and over again.  Cut it out!  Seriously. 
I used to run groups for court-ordered domestic-violence offenders.  If there weren't pathological personality-types that went back to them, the offenders wouldn't have had anyone to abuse.  And, most of these lovely folks had ums which made me even more appalled.  I wouldn't have worked with the victims because I would have wound up throttling someone.  At least with the offenders, the potential for them going to jail was some level of recourse if they didn't exert effort toward change. 
Why am I going off on you?  Because you're 18 and you need to stop it before it becomes a life-long habit.  Work on whatever about yourself that needs working on before you continue this Cycle in perpetuity. 
Again, this isn't D/s, it's abuse and there IS a difference. 
Davan


thanks for being blunt ....bec what you said is all true.. i agree with you
and the only person who can keep that from happening to me..is myself.


You're welcome.  Rock that thought process, stick with it, and you'll be just fine!  (The part about you preventing bad things from happening via not feeding into the Cycle, though I'm rarely averse to hearing that I'm right, lol!  :>  ).  And, if you don't know how to work on/through the issues that make such a person a draw, say so.  Resources are out there. 
Davan


Thank you...and yup of course.. i've figured out in my little time of life i've had that being independent means sometimes knowing when to ask for help and knowing where to get it.
:) 


So, you're good on resources in your area?
  Davan



SassySarijane -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 6:59:29 PM)

~Fast Reply~

As stated in YHMAs sig on here, BDSM does not mean leave your common sense at the door. If you wouldn't tolerate behavior in a nonbdsm relationship, then think before tolerating it in one. BDSM is also not a license to abuse. BDSM does not make you more honest, more special, more good. The same variants of people NOT into bdsm ARE into it as well. Just a few things to ponder on for you.

Oh and anyone who says some of what he did, such as no limits no matter what, etc., is either stuck in fantasyland or is potentially an abuser. The only no limits I know of in actuality is when a slave takes on only the limits of the master and that is generally after getting to know and trust them very well and discovering the limits are pretty well matched (and yes there are exceptions to this) and being in a relationship with them, not an immediate thing demanded by a stranger.



lilmisssubmiss -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 7:00:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

< sighs and takes a look at the ceiling before responding > 
There's this thing called the Cycle of Abuse.  There's the Honeymoon Stage, the Tension (-Building) Stage, and the Explosion Stage.  Between each is a period of decision-making that perpetuates movement to the next stage of the Cycle. 
What you're describing isn't a D/s relationship, it's an abusive relationship.  And, you're perpetuating it via going back for his attention over and over again.  Cut it out!  Seriously. 
I used to run groups for court-ordered domestic-violence offenders.  If there weren't pathological personality-types that went back to them, the offenders wouldn't have had anyone to abuse.  And, most of these lovely folks had ums which made me even more appalled.  I wouldn't have worked with the victims because I would have wound up throttling someone.  At least with the offenders, the potential for them going to jail was some level of recourse if they didn't exert effort toward change. 
Why am I going off on you?  Because you're 18 and you need to stop it before it becomes a life-long habit.  Work on whatever about yourself that needs working on before you continue this Cycle in perpetuity. 
Again, this isn't D/s, it's abuse and there IS a difference. 
Davan


thanks for being blunt ....bec what you said is all true.. i agree with you
and the only person who can keep that from happening to me..is myself.


You're welcome.  Rock that thought process, stick with it, and you'll be just fine!  (The part about you preventing bad things from happening via not feeding into the Cycle, though I'm rarely averse to hearing that I'm right, lol!  :>  ).  And, if you don't know how to work on/through the issues that make such a person a draw, say so.  Resources are out there. 
Davan


Thank you...and yup of course.. i've figured out in my little time of life i've had that being independent means sometimes knowing when to ask for help and knowing where to get it.
:) 


So, you're good on resources in your area?
Davan


well i know where to find help if i have questions and when to ask.



DavanKael -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 7:07:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

< sighs and takes a look at the ceiling before responding > 
There's this thing called the Cycle of Abuse.  There's the Honeymoon Stage, the Tension (-Building) Stage, and the Explosion Stage.  Between each is a period of decision-making that perpetuates movement to the next stage of the Cycle. 
What you're describing isn't a D/s relationship, it's an abusive relationship.  And, you're perpetuating it via going back for his attention over and over again.  Cut it out!  Seriously. 
I used to run groups for court-ordered domestic-violence offenders.  If there weren't pathological personality-types that went back to them, the offenders wouldn't have had anyone to abuse.  And, most of these lovely folks had ums which made me even more appalled.  I wouldn't have worked with the victims because I would have wound up throttling someone.  At least with the offenders, the potential for them going to jail was some level of recourse if they didn't exert effort toward change. 
Why am I going off on you?  Because you're 18 and you need to stop it before it becomes a life-long habit.  Work on whatever about yourself that needs working on before you continue this Cycle in perpetuity. 
Again, this isn't D/s, it's abuse and there IS a difference. 
Davan


thanks for being blunt ....bec what you said is all true.. i agree with you
and the only person who can keep that from happening to me..is myself.


You're welcome.  Rock that thought process, stick with it, and you'll be just fine!  (The part about you preventing bad things from happening via not feeding into the Cycle, though I'm rarely averse to hearing that I'm right, lol!  :>  ).  And, if you don't know how to work on/through the issues that make such a person a draw, say so.  Resources are out there. 
Davan


Thank you...and yup of course.. i've figured out in my little time of life i've had that being independent means sometimes knowing when to ask for help and knowing where to get it.
:) 


So, you're good on resources in your area?
Davan


well i know where to find help if i have questions and when to ask.


Groovy!  :> 
Best wishes, 
  Davan



flamingpuppets -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 7:28:19 PM)

I think in all honesty, he is an insecure pompous ass, and your spelling does not make you appear very intelligent. 



lilmisssubmiss -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 7:44:40 PM)

I can type and spell coherently if i please. I just don't spend the time of day caring to over a bdsm website!



E2Sweet -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 7:56:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flamingpuppets

I think in all honesty, he is an insecure pompous ass, and your spelling does not make you appear very intelligent. 


In another post on this web site, you failed to capitalize the word Wednesday. In another post you forgot to capitalize the first word in a sentence (But), and forgot the punctuation at the end of that same sentence. Do we really want to play this game? [8|]

My apologies to the rest here for the hijack, but I don't really care for sneaky cheap shots...



flamingpuppets -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 8:04:48 PM)

no one really cares. It is weird that you would stalk my posts. Further more if you misspell everything and call yourself smart after broadcasting a horrific grade no one is going to take you seriously. I wasn't attacking her. anyways, that was totally lame so I'm out.
quote:

n this web site, you failed to capitalize the word Wednesday. In another post you forgot to capitalize the first word in a sentence (But), and forgot the punctuation at the end of that same sentence. Do we really want to play this game?
quote:

ORIGINAL: E2Sweet

quote:

ORIGINAL: flamingpuppets

I think in all honesty, he is an insecure pompous ass, and your spelling does not make you appear very intelligent. 



In another post on this web site, you failed to capitalize the word Wednesday. In another post you forgot to capitalize the first word in a sentence (But), and forgot the punctuation at the end of that same sentence. Do we really want to play this game? [8|]

My apologies to the rest here for the hijack, but I don't really care for sneaky cheap shots...




Phoenixpower -> RE: This scares me. (2/9/2009 8:27:46 PM)

Well done, that troll is gone...I am surprised how offended this one appeared to be, considering how polite E2sweet was not to mention her profile...[8|]



BondageBarbieX -> RE: This scares me. (2/10/2009 10:58:54 AM)

I would have cut this guy off and blocked him.



Andalusite -> RE: This scares me. (2/10/2009 11:05:15 AM)

Hey, Knite, to an 18 year-old, anyone over 25 is positively ancient! I remember when I felt a bit distressed over turning "an entire quarter of a century old!" [;)]

To the OP, it's definitely not the kind of relationship I would want or be happy in, and it doesn't sound like it's what you're looking for either. There are some people who don't have poly or gangbangs (not actual rape) as limits, or who actively enjoy them, but it's not something I'm drawn to. He's not necessarily abusive, but he's obviously incompatible with either of us.



CelticPrince -> RE: This scares me. (2/10/2009 11:48:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

this is kind of long, sorry i jsut want to know what you guys think.. and if you've seen/ expierenced anything like it...?

This was the first guy i got serious off of this site with. Believe me, i've learned a lot. He seemed perfect...except the more i got to know him the more fucked up it got.. him telling me if i don't obey he'd " break me down to nothing..."( i didn't see how a guy who supposidly cared about you..would want to ever do that to you?) he told me if he wanted to start a poly..i'd have to say yes because to no limits...if he wanted me gang raped i'd have to say yes bec of no limits. - I didn't even know much about this kind of relationship....when he started calling me a bitch rudely..for almost nothing i forgot to do something or something ..telling me i was good for nothing i got out of the relationship i did NOT feel comfortable. it scared me.
Then theres the fact one time he texted me saying he wanted to talk and how he wanted me back..so we tried it again..it was just as bad. Then two weeks ago he asked to have me back..and i said no again and he went " well w.e"...but i thought we were cool.. so i talked to him today (thinking maybe we could be friends) and our covnersation made me see yet again why not choosing him was a good idea.


first off..i have one D because the guy is an AP teacher...i didn't sign up for an ap class i got a 3.78 GPA average last semester..which is pretty damn good considering my hs is a college prep hs and only 3 ppl in the history of our hs have graduated with an exact 4.0 (highest you can get here)..plus i just got accepted into all the private colletes i applied for.. ALL OF THEM YAY!!! but anyways...another interesting thing ...he'd always call me a "natural sub" and supposidly a couple weeks ago he wanted me back because he said i was the BEST sub he's ever had...and i turned him down because frankly..marcus treats me a lot better and i'm not scared of marcus i really like marcus. and now he's saying i'm not a sub at all and i'm dumb? something tells me he's mad someone told him no thank you.
And, it's not like i'm mad thinking " i hope he's not right about that stuff" i know he isn't right ..i am bright.. i am a sub..i mean that's just me..the only thing i got mad about...was seeing that i went for a guy who was that big of a jerk..i could of gotten myself into some serious trouble if i went for him and that SCARES me....it really does.
Am i the only one thinking that was a bit outta line? And tbh, i don't think he's a dom..i think he's an abusive freak... What are your takes on this situation?
And have any of you ever expierenced anything like this with a guy?

[Mod Note:  chat log removed]



lilmiss,

*getting on my soapbox!

Yours is just another tale of someone that just jumps in without testing the depth of the water and then wonders why they got hurt in a dive.

At  the min, a submissive coming to this site or any D/s site should get an understanding of it before you dive in.

CP



Knite064 -> RE: This scares me. (2/10/2009 3:09:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

Hey, Knite, to an 18 year-old, anyone over 25 is positively ancient! I remember when I felt a bit distressed over turning "an entire quarter of a century old!" [;)]

To the OP, it's definitely not the kind of relationship I would want or be happy in, and it doesn't sound like it's what you're looking for either. There are some people who don't have poly or gangbangs (not actual rape) as limits, or who actively enjoy them, but it's not something I'm drawn to. He's not necessarily abusive, but he's obviously incompatible with either of us.


Yeah your right..i remember being 25 (i think [8|])

I recall scoring with a 25 year old when i was 18 and i must have puffed my chest out for weeks.....hmmm did nt seem to do much for her though[8|] (although she did come back a second time but i put that down to charity on her part [&o]

Was fun eing both those ages but id never want to go through all that again :)

be well



pdv99 -> RE: This scares me. (2/10/2009 4:26:39 PM)

You are right. He's abusive.
Learn a lesson for the future - try to avoid getting into relationships with people you need to work with or who have real life authority over you - if the relatioship fails it can fuck your whole life.



windchymes -> RE: This scares me. (2/10/2009 5:12:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

He seems like a jerk to me, but people like that stuff.
However, the mods will likely pull this for two reasons.
One, you posted his name.
Two, you posted a dialog between you. 
Kyst

Three, she's in HIGH SCHOOL!



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