RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (Full Version)

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secretmaster22 -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/10/2009 6:59:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bamagirl4u

*ouch* a lot of criticism...i don't think it is bad to have been written as a Dominant.  You are writing what you perceive submission to be.  There are some things i would change, but all in all...You wrote what you felt.  Wrong for others is right for you...at least you didn't mention submission as a gift...that really rattles this girls cage...Take care..[:)]


LOL  I think there is a thread about it being a gift isn't there? 




secretmaster22 -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/10/2009 7:05:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nafakcha

After reading what everyone else has suggested, I think for the most part I am going to modify my original comments, M:

1. Please make it stop rhyming. Your non-rhyming work is so much better (hoping to finish the novel this trip).
2. Lines of a poem do not have to be short nor do they have to be the same length
3. You have a bit of a dominant personality trying to overtake what is supposed to be a submissive's poem. It makes the poem confusing. I really don't know how to explain it other then the direction of each verse is different making the poem feel disjointed.
4. Define who and what "you" is in the poem (or at least in Your head). Is it the act of submission or is the Dominant the submissive is submitting to?
5. I really don't like the word condition but that's me.
6. I get the impression that there are verses missing to complete the thought of the poem (you mention things that could be worked into the final poem - like the chaos of this place - that are just dropped.)
7. I don't think you have successfully related to a submissive's headspace. For what you have described you aren't communicating the deeper significance behind the actions and events described. Think about it and I think (especially when you removing the rhyming) you will find the poem conveys the thoughts and emotions you are trying to.

YwL

Keiko


I think all of that is good advice, but you can say it sucked.  I already did.  LOL  I have to admit that my ideas of submission are also sometimes clouded by my religious studies of submission and trying to relate that to submission in the dominant world.  There are many similarities, but also differences.  But that could open up a whole new conversation we probably shouldn't get into in this thread.




catize -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/10/2009 7:16:32 PM)

We could also share the delivery man?




feydeplume -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/10/2009 7:28:16 PM)

*hands over 20 bucks, some condoms, and a vibrator* i'm in!




igor2003 -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/10/2009 9:02:06 PM)


Hang on a sec while I slip into my asbestos suit...........okay.

What do the following have in common?
T'was the Night Before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore
The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes
Hiawatha by Longfellow
Paul Revere's Ride by Longfellow
The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe

If you guessed that they are all classic poems by various authors you would be correct. For even more points, if you guessed that they all RHYME you are ahead of the game. I LIKE poetry that rhymes. And as you might have guessed, I'm casting a dissenting vote in opposition to those that say poetry shouldn't rhyme.

I'm not saying that all poetry should rhyme or that there is anything wrong with poetry that does not rhyme. Everyone has their own preference. But of all the classics that I know and can think of there are none that do not rhyme. (And there very well could be classic poetry that doesn't rhyme, but I don't think it would be well known in the mainstream of society.)

So, what I am saying is....write what you are comfortable with and that you enjoy.

And the same thing for the "submission as a gift" thing. Some people feel one way, and other people feel a different way, so again, write what feels most right for you and what you are trying to say.

And last, how about looking into some of the adult education classes that are offered in most larger communities and see if you can find any on writing poetry...or even prose. They are usually very inexpensive and very helpful. I've taken several classes of different types (including fiction writing) and feel that they are well worth the time and effort.




sravaka -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/11/2009 5:48:05 AM)

No one said that poetry can't rhyme, only that rhyming alone does not make for "poetry."  




Musicmystery -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/13/2009 9:51:37 PM)

quote:

I'm not saying that all poetry should rhyme or that there is anything wrong with poetry that does not rhyme. Everyone has their own preference. But of all the classics that I know and can think of there are none that do not rhyme. (And there very well could be classic poetry that doesn't rhyme, but I don't think it would be well known in the mainstream of society.)


Poetry
by Marianne Moore

I, too, dislike it: there are things that are important beyond
all this fiddle.
Reading it, however, with a perfect contempt for it, one
discovers in
it after all, a place for the genuine.
Hands that can grasp, eyes
that can dilate, hair that can rise
if it must, these things are important not because a

high-sounding interpretation can be put upon them but because
they are
useful. When they become so derivative as to become
unintelligible,
the same thing may be said for all of us, that we
do not admire what
we cannot understand: the bat
holding on upside down or in quest of something to

eat, elephants pushing, a wild horse taking a roll, a tireless
wolf under
a tree, the immovable critic twitching his skin like a horse
that feels a flea, the base-
ball fan, the statistician--
nor is it valid
to discriminate against "business documents and

school-books"; all these phenomena are important. One must make
a distinction
however: when dragged into prominence by half poets, the
result is not poetry,
nor till the poets among us can be
"literalists of
the imagination"--above
insolence and triviality and can present

for inspection, "imaginary gardens with real toads in them,"
shall we have
it. In the meantime, if you demand on the one hand,
the raw material of poetry in
all its rawness and
that which is on the other hand
genuine, you are interested in poetry.




TranceTara -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/14/2009 1:32:07 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I personally don't see how the poem related to submission...It could have been about pizza.  Do you have any poems about pizza?  I really like pizza.  Even though I live in Chicago, home of deep dish, I prefer thin crust pizza.  I eat pizza at least once a week.

It would be nice if you were to write a poem about pizza.   Most people have very strong feelings about pizza. Poems about pizza are always well received.  Do you have any poems about pizza?


I’ve basked in the thickness of you,
I’ve relished how thin you can be.
Ah, slowly, I taste you as you ooze
as you drip, hot, tasty, salty,
Sometimes naked,
sometimes covered with
mushrooms, onions, garlic,
pepporoni.

It matters not,
You are my one,
my only PIZZA!

So many try to imitate you.
Ha, Frozen my ass!
West Coast -
well, it can’t hold a candle
to your true being,
an east coast entity.

I dream of that day
when I once again cross the continent,
to seek you out so you
can release my taste buds
from their wretched prison
bringing them to life
as I bite into you and hear
that most exquisite crunch.
YES! YES! It’s coming..
The cheese.
And yes, it is the water.

Ah, pizza. I have had
many an imposter,
but the east coast is where
you truly reside.




TranceTara -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/14/2009 1:43:38 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: secretmaster22

I am a dominant.  I am a writer, and most of my writing has been from a perspective of a dominant.  This is my first attempt at viewing things through the eye of a submissive, which I believe is very important as a writer.  So I would love some imput from submissives as to the accuracy of the thoughts and feelings in this poem.  Is it real?  I'm looking forward to the responses...

Oh sweet Submission
how you change my hearts condition.
One simple whisper in my direction
and my heart fills with pure affection.

The first stanza is preparing me to read more about submission.
How can this be?
Was I too selfish to see
that there was only one way to be found?
And that’s to let my heart be bound,
to lose myself in your love
so that I might rise above
all the chaos of this crazy place,
instead looking deeply into your beautiful face.

In this stanza I don't get so much the image of submission as now I am getting an image of bondage. A love that one gets lost in and bound to. Then chaos comes in, and yet the anchor of a beautiful face.

Without you happiness is fleeting,
but with you my heart keeps beating.
My joy is now found in yours.
I humbly fling open those doors
to my body, mind, heart, and soul
and make your desire my ultimate goal

And now I am getting the image of a person that you cannot do without. I have lost the idea of submission, or is it submission you cannot do without? And then the last line, "and make your desire my ultimate goal". Now I get that it is about winning someone's submission, not being submissive.

Oh sweet sweet submission
how deeply you’ve changed my hearts condition!
It's back to submission, but is it receiving the submission that has changed your heart's condition or actually feeling submissive?



Poems can rhyme, poems don't have to rhyme. The lines can be short, long, however you wish to make them. Write from your heart. Let it flow. Get the feel of what you wish to convey, get it down, then you can fiddle around with it.

I had a sentence I wanted to do something with. I put it aside. I'd try to rhyme it, get it into a set pattern and nothiing. I let it go for 2 years, then one day sat down with my 12 string and in 20 minutes wrote a song that has touched many of my friends. I was trying to hard. When I let go and got out of my head, my heart and soul wrote what my head could not.

I don't know if that makes sense.

Most of the time the poems I wrote do not rhyme. Sometimes they do. It all depends on my heart and what flows easiest for me.

You'll find your way. Take classes, join a writing group/workshop.




MissEnchanted -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/14/2009 5:55:49 AM)

secretmaster,

I sure would like to make you my secret sub! [:D]
Meooow! [;)]

I agree with what nafakcha wrote:
3. You have a bit of a dominant personality trying to overtake what is supposed to be a submissive's poem. It makes the poem confusing. I really don't know how to explain it other then the direction of each verse is different making the poem feel disjointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also agree with what Stella said: keep writing!






nafakcha -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/14/2009 7:33:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchanted

secretmaster,

I sure would like to make you my secret sub! [:D]
Meooow! [;)]



Miss Enchanted,

Today of all days I needed a "does not compute" thought. So thank you.

Keiko




MissEnchanted -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/14/2009 10:39:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nafakcha

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchanted

secretmaster,

I sure would like to make you my secret sub! [:D]
Meooow! [;)]



Miss Enchanted,

Today of all days I needed a "does not compute" thought. So thank you.

Keiko


What part didn't compute?
Harmless flirtation and an 'oops' for me after I discovered more about how 'secretive' that situation is.
[;)]





nafakcha -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/14/2009 1:43:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchanted

quote:

ORIGINAL: nafakcha

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchanted

secretmaster,

I sure would like to make you my secret sub! [:D]
Meooow! [;)]



Miss Enchanted,

Today of all days I needed a "does not compute" thought. So thank you.

Keiko


What part didn't compute?
Harmless flirtation and an 'oops' for me after I discovered more about how 'secretive' that situation is.
[;)]




Its the context of what you said not the harmless flirtation. Correct me if I am wrong (I fully admit today my ability to properly interpret the English language is not the greatest) but you did say that you wanted to make him your secret sub. That would be a role reversal that I just can't quite picture - hence the does not compute. It was just the right change of thought that I needed at the moment.

Keiko




Roselaure -> RE: Seeking some advice from submissives (2/14/2009 1:54:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Just write from within and never ask for advice or criticism, because you will get as many suggestions as there are people.

You will end up confused. Then when you end up really confused you will probably turn to politics and start wanting to become a politician.

Trust me, never ask for advice as a writer. Just write. Keep writing until people start reading what you write.

That's how you become a writer.



Excellent advice, Stella.  it reminds me of something one of my favorite writers had to say about writing:

Bukowski on writing
If it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.




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