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Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 4:08:12 PM

deviantdetroiter

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/2/2009
Status: offline

I currently have a live-in sub of two years that is still in training, but has collaring potential. Here's the rub.

My main concern is making sure she doesn't feel like I am attempting to isolate her from her family. Since the beginning, we had discussed my desire to relocate back to the West Coast from the Midwest. This was looked at as a realistic possibility in the 3-5 yr range. As I mentioned we are at the 2 yr mark, and I am relocating about 2 hours from where we live now.

The reason for the move involves a career change for myself, and a full scholarship to finish my psychology degree.

In the last two years we moved closer to her family so she could spend time with them more easily before we relocated. I know she has fears about not being near her family, and regrets regarding the time that she had spent with them previously in her life. She has mended the relationships with her family, and they are healthy now. These new healthy relationships are what will make her want to stay.

With the move she would have to find a new job, but she is not currently at a "career" position. She would likely be able to find a similar position or better in the new location, and I have the resources available to provide without her in the workplace.

I've never been in the situation of renegotiating a live in subs living situation before, especially with the added relocation aspect. I'm interested in hearing and D's experiences handling this situation or any sub who could offer their experiences in any similar situations or how they would need the situation to be handled. Or any other thoughts I may not have considered yet.

Post #: 1

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 4:47:18 PM

NCNutCase

Posts: 129
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

Open and honest communication is my first and foremost suggestion...

I grew up in Metro Detroit and my family lives there still (I'm actually here on a visit right now)... with today's economy and the economical situation Detroit is in, moving elsewhere should definately be considered if the option is there.

I have very limited available input in 'slave' like situations... as to my understanding a 'slave' should not have input on things such as relocation, but the way I view a partner/submissive/roomate/whatever, I would have to consider their thoughts/feelings. I guess her level of input would highly depend on the version of Master/slave you each see your relationship in.

Best wishes on figuring out your situation...

Edit/added - If you truly wish for her to come with you if/when you relocate, this may be a good time to up your commitment to the relationship...

< Message edited by NCNutCase -- 2/6/2009 4:49:17 PM >

(in reply to deviantdetroiter)

Post #: 2

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 4:50:19 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

Why is this different than a vanilla live in relationship? People, its a give and take, its a MUTUAL decision on what is best for the unit. Its called reality, your Dominance, her submission don't mean a damn when it comes to what's best for reality--because if reality is askew, you don't have the dynamic.

IMHO

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(in reply to deviantdetroiter)

Post #: 3

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 4:58:51 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

It all sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Relocation was already out on the table from the beginning. Your reasons for it sound very rational and sensible, and it sounds like you are considering her well-being as well as your own. You have all the bases covered.

Moving two hours away isn't really that big of a deal as far as keeping in touch with family. You hop in the car on weekends and holidays or whatever. It's not as if she has to get on a plane. I don't know how old you guys are, but at some point, you have to put your primary relationship and priorities above living next door to mom for the rest of your life..

Anyway how does your submissive feel about this? Would she really think that you were attempting to isolate her from her family? If so, what would give her that impression?

(in reply to deviantdetroiter)

Post #: 4

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 5:19:15 PM

Knite064

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline

Hello
As already stated the first port of call is discussion and negotiating how this move is going to take place.
Its really not that far from your current location and once again as already stated its not too great an issue driving down at the weekends and holidays.
Finding somewhere to live thats big enough for her/your family members to visit is not a bad idea also.as is giving her something personal to look forward to (new start? maybe shed like to go to college or night classes or try a job shes always wanted etc etc...obviously does nt require a move for that but it shows her the moves for both of you not just you)
sub slave dom switch... who cares .....it has to be what works for both of you and dont consider it weak to value her thoughts and opinions.

Good luck and be well

(in reply to deviantdetroiter)

Post #: 5

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 5:30:50 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

I really can't see why this would prevent your submissive from visiting with her family. In committed live-in relationships, it is normal for people to have to move away from family. She has been aware of your wanting to move to finish your degree. I suggest a lot of communication with her and come up with some workable ideas. 2 hrs is not going to isolate a person, imo. Only way you can isolate her is to forbid her to see family and family. Make this relationship into something you two can appreciate and honor. It is yours not a book.

(in reply to Knite064)

Post #: 6

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 5:31:33 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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In this day and age of cell phones, texting, email, instant messengers, webcams, etc., it's really hard to feel "isolated" from your family in spite of living away from them. Unless she's the kind of person who needs to actually see them face-to-face every day (which would be a little dysfunctional, IMO), you can keep in touch with loved ones very easily until you can see them again in a few days or a couple weeks.

I've lived away from my adult kids for almost seven years now, and sure, I miss them and miss not being able to drop by when I want to, but in the long run, we have almost as much contact via phone, text & email as we would if I actually lived in the same town. They have their own lives now.....and so does she.

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(in reply to Knite064)

Post #: 7

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 5:36:36 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

I think the real question is, why would she think you are trying to isolate her? If the real reasons for the move are for your continued education and her possible career progression, it's just like any other couple faced with these choices. Does she have a reason to think you don't want her near her family? Are you planning on not letting her visit them? I don't really see the issue here - it's not the first place my mind would logically jump if a relocation were in order.

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“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

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(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 8

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 7:26:59 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You're only moving two hours away. You can still go back for weekends. holidays, important stuff. Plus phones and emails allow plenty of communication.

The important thing is whether or not her new and healthy relationship with them is sufficiently stable at this time to allow for her to move without the new communication with her family breaking down.

If it isn't, perhaps you can transition to a LDR for a few months, and you two get together on weekends. If she isn't sure about what's the best thing for her, then some therapy sessions might help her get things into perspective.

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 9

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/6/2009 8:55:01 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I've never been in the situation of renegotiating a live in subs living situation before

This may not be useful to you, but...

I have lived and worked all over the world, and so have been in that situation more than once. I have always adopted a rather mercenary approach - if my partner must live close to her family, that's a choice, and I leave. I can't brook the notion that I would have to spend my entire life in one region, because of someone's family. That is ridiculous, there is simply too much to do, discover, and enjoy, out there. Visiting, all that good stuff, fine, but being constricted by it? I remember one time coming back to my home country, and the girl I had parted with a year earlier knew I was flying in, met me at the airport and told me she'd had second thoughts about having to live close to her parents. I told her sorry, but since we didn't do the move together I really wasn't interested any more. It is just too iffy.

While my moves were always career related, I don't know that that is a valid excuse for doing what I do, though. But I think that if you decide to be together, you have to commit to make that work. One person is hard enough work to be happy with, but if that person then brings in other factors that must be met to be happy - family, pets, the climate, the landscape, the language, whatever - I think you have a potentially dysfunctional relationship right off the bat.

(in reply to deviantdetroiter)

Post #: 10

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/7/2009 11:21:47 AM

deviantdetroiter

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/2/2009
Status: offline

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I may have been putting words in her mouth with the isolation term. It's mainly just the she still doesn't want to cut the apron strings, and it's turning into an albatrose around my neck. I've faced this situation before in the military when required to move; this is the first time it is my voluntary decision to relocate. I just was trying to get some outside points of view to make sure I was thinking logically.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 11

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/7/2009 11:54:44 AM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

Ultimately, she has to decide between the relationship with her family, and the one with you. She is going to see far less of somebody she cares about one way or another, and that is not going to be easy for her. However, if she chooses family over you then I think you need to accept that decision, wish her well, and get on with life. I know that sounds a tad harsh since this is somebody you obviously care about, but that is the reality.

(in reply to deviantdetroiter)

Post #: 12

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/7/2009 11:56:09 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: deviantdetroiter

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I may have been putting words in her mouth with the isolation term. It's mainly just the she still doesn't want to cut the apron strings, and it's turning into an albatrose around my neck. I've faced this situation before in the military when required to move; this is the first time it is my voluntary decision to relocate. I just was trying to get some outside points of view to make sure I was thinking logically.

Actually, I think marie's words are some of the best here, especially the part I have made bold.

"It all sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Relocation was already out on the table from the beginning. Your reasons for it sound very rational and sensible, and it sounds like you are considering her well-being as well as your own. You have all the bases covered.

Moving two hours away isn't really that big of a deal as far as keeping in touch with family. You hop in the car on weekends and holidays or whatever. It's not as if she has to get on a plane. I don't know how old you guys are, but at some point, you have to put your primary relationship and priorities above living next door to mom for the rest of your life.. "

I started working at the Beef Plant while I was in my senior year in high school. Once I graduated high school, I went to work for an oil company that sent me to Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Kansas. When I joined the service at 20, I lived in North Carolina...a good distance from Colorado. After my 4 years there, I went to Minnesota for 3 1/2 years to go to chiropractic college year-round. So I was away from Colorado and Mom/Dad/brother for 8 years. Yes, I did come back here to go into practice with my father but that was something that had been decided when I entered the service...it actually was one of the main reasons for entering the service (the G. I. Bill) but if I had made the decision along the way to live elsewhere, my family would have been O.K. with it. My brother lived in Wyoming from 1980 until our mother had her stroke in 1990. I am established in my profession. At age 53, I don't feel like beginning a new practice elsewhere so I make it clear to submissives I speak with that I won't be relocating UNLESS I see a very good opportunity where they are.

This issue is one of those big issues and so it is at least brought up early on in my conversations with submissives. You were upfront about it at the beginning and she entered into a relationship/dynamic with you knowing your feelings and your inclinations. You communicated...that is what is important to do right now. However, I would caution you to keep a question in mind as you take note of your own words..."It's mainly just the she still doesn't want to cut the apron strings, and it's turning into an albatrose around my neck." Don't let it become an albatross. It may sound harsh but she knew what you felt and what you planned when she got into a relationship with you...may have even agreed with you. And now, she seems to want you to change YOUR mind. Many therapists...including the seemingly loved-by-all-women Dr. Phil...calls this type of tactic "bait and switch". Is that what is going on here?

(in reply to deviantdetroiter)

Post #: 13

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/7/2009 12:06:02 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

You have a great opportunity to finish your degree. She has always known this was important to you. It seems to be she must decide to remain submissive to you and your desires or not. There are ways to go about this, LDR comes to mind, where you two can visit. However when done with your degree, what would transpire? For some family is very important. She has just made some healing progress there and might not want to stop the healing at this time. That she needs to decide. Seems you two need to discuss what is important to each of you as well as a relationship. Sometimes it comes that goodbye is the answer, because there is no middle ground.

I wish you the best
oceanwynds

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 14

RE: Looking for A/anyone's thoughts on the topic - 2/7/2009 5:24:56 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Unfortunately it isn't always the best thing for both people in a relationship to relocate. My ex had the opportunity to relocate out of state right after my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I couldn't move and as I had just given birth, him moving away leaving me with a newborn and a dying mother would not have been taken well.

When the op and his sub discussed relocation two years ago, she wasn't talking to her family and at that point thought moving further away would help her. But she is now working on mending the breaks in her family relationship and it may not be best for her to move now. Even though it is the best careerwise for the op.

There isn't a perfect answer here. Unfortunately. I urge the op to push his sub into some short term therapy so she can make decisions about her life, instead of feeling torn and resentful towards whoever manipulates her to do what they want. Because without her deciding what's best for her, and consenting to her future, instead of having it decided for her, all of her relationships may be poisoned.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 15

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