RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder

RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder (Full Version)

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InTonguesslave -> RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder (2/7/2009 3:39:30 AM)
different name - same lally [:)])))) I do think that you always have to communicate in relationships and the fact that we big it up in these kinds of relationships because we dont do it enough -colourdn) one of the things that i love about this lifestyle is the emotional and psychological investment that we make in each other. the fact that we need to know who dominates us and the dominant needs to know at grass roots who their subbie is before they can fully take control. i just wonder what it is that makes us want to big it up. what element disatisfies us in vanilla relationships that makes us choose to lay ourselves bare. for me its the intensity of emotions on every level - i do need to feel intensely. i had a go at a vanilla relationship a few weeks ago, largely to get laid frankly - i didnt - because, i just didnt get those intense feelings of being owned that set me on fire. i dont think we have monopoly on hurt or loss to any greater or lesser degree though - i do think that we choose to feel intensely (enhanced through play) to give it all up and for whatever reason that makes us feel incredibly alive. the flip side of that is that when it goes tits up our intense feelings suddenly have no home and noone to direct them. so we then have to coil them in and go back to that state of being where nothing else will fit and the journey to find a partner begins again. its to do with DF's sandwich - we build something up in layers and when it gets taken away that unique mix of ingredients and condiments is lost forever inside the dog. we navel gaze to such an extent that it isnt just the person we end up with who knows us well, we start to know ourselves better with this person by our side supporting our journey. it seems to me that we need to feel intensely - thats who we are and we're not afraid to - and when it all goes to the wall there are the 'suck it up' enforcers who remind us that we went in willingly and in full knowledge of the risks and we pick ourselves up and go again.

kyraofMists -> RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder (2/7/2009 8:09:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 why do we assume to hurt more, lose more and judge harder The answer lies in individual relationships; the error is made in applying the individuality to everyone else. I am more fulfilled and happy in this relationship than I have been in any other relationship. I have invested everything of who I am in it. If I were to be betrayed, I would be devasted, more so than I was in other relationships that ended in my past. However, that doesn't mean that my hurt would be worse than someone in a non D/s relationship who is betrayed by their partner that they have invested everything in. My best friend growing up has a fabulous relationship with her husband. They have been in love with each other since she was sixteen, so more than 20 years. Their relationship is not D/s and I can imagine how incredibly devastated she would be if he betrayed her. The type of relationship doesn't decide who will hurt or lose more. How much the people within the relationship have invested will determine who hurts or loses more. The structure of the relationship is irrelevant to that; it matters what you are fulfilled and motivated to create in your life. Knight's Kyra

VeryNastyDom -> RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder (2/7/2009 8:18:41 AM)
quote: you won't be nearly as annoyed as if you had just made yourself a steak sandwich from a freshly grilled piece of prime shell steak with homemade garlic butter on a great ciabatta roll. If your current relationship breaks up and you would be interested in a kitchen slave position, I would like to hear from you. Do you make your own mayonaisse? [:)]

KataNykanen -> RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder (2/7/2009 9:33:19 AM)
I don't believe in a difference in intensity, depth, trust etc. etc. between nilla and BDSM relationships. I only believe in a difference between relationships itselves. When I think about a BDSM relationship as deeper etc. than a nilla relationship, the relationship to my partner should be "lighter" than that to my slave. It isn't. They're both equal in intensity etc. To be honest, I consider the "BDSM relationships are so much more" a self-made myth. To be mean, I consider this myth as self-made by people, especially women (ok thats a German observation) who need a reason for themselves (besides that BDSM just feels better for them) why they escaped from their nilla relationships/marriages when they discovered BDSM.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder (2/7/2009 1:40:23 PM)
I demand those things in any relationship I'm in, and give them at the same level. It isn't special to BDSM or poly for me. I think that that may be the biggest error in thought... that somehow, being involved in these activities or family styles should require -more- humanity from us than any other existence. I don't personally understand allowing another person's infidelity to 'destroy' oneself. It is hurtful, admittedly, but human beings make mistakes, and people occasionally do things to make their own lives easier at the expense of others. It may not be right, but it is what it is. I think that our pain comes from clinging far too tightly--depending on another person for our identity, and allowing them to define how we interact. IMO, D/s does not require us to give up our common sense, and it doesn't require that we subsume ourselves and live in agony, hating our lives. It -does- require that we know ourselves... and accept the risks that, in yielding up the authority over our lives, or accepting authority over another, we may find someone on the other end that isn't perfect... and that sometimes, their imperfections will be too much for us to be able to accept and embrace. But that is what it means to be an adult, making adult decisions, about our adult lives, in a free society. Giving it all away, without taking responsibility for what we're offering up, is easy -- its learning how to yield without sacrificing our genuine self or to control another without taking away the essence of that person that is tough. But I know that, regardless of anyone else's thoughts, I'm worth that kind of relationship, and if a relationship I am in doesn't meet those standards, then I owe it to everyone involved to say so... and to walk away if nothing changes.

SurrenderForMe -> RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder (2/7/2009 4:21:01 PM)
My opinion is that people in the scene are insecure and are playing one upsmanship. Not to denigrate the intimacy, risk, trust or any other aspect of bdsm, but in the end, all of those and more apply to whatever interaction you have. We are all humans on this planet. Betrayal hurts. No prefix or other label need be applied to that statement.

DareDefyMe -> RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder (2/7/2009 6:56:23 PM)
stands up and looks around you're posting this on a bdsm board, as if anyone here is right in the mind to begin with lol. But for what it may be worth, try not making sex the forefront of your life, then you might discover what all the "vanilla" people knew all along, theres more to life than attempting to fornicate in drawn out convoluted ways lolz

LadyPact -> RE: hurt more, lose more, judge harder (2/9/2009 1:37:53 PM)
This is just a random thought. I'm sure there will be many out there who don't agree with Me. I'm not agreeing with the concept that those of us involved in BDSM hurt more. There is something to be said that in some dynamics, we invest more and that could make it seem as though we do. When a person puts all of themselves into something, of course it's going to seem like the rug's been ripped out from under them when trust has been misplaced. Yet, another thought does come to Me. In wiitwd, it's not uncommon to hand our trust over, whether the person on the other side has earned it or not. Take this situation for example. In the.... I don't know how many times clip and I have played, he has given his trust to Me. Trust not to set him on fire, not to slit his throat during knife play, not to take him to levels that he's not ready to obtain. Time and time again, I've hurt him, but not harmed him. In other words, I've proven that the trust he's placed in Me has been substantiated. Let's also remember that this is driven home by the fact that it is often when his brain chemistry is buzzing around, making him feel closer to Me than the average person walking down the street. Still, while this is happening, this trust that is being built, it doesn't say anything about My moral and ethical standards as a person outside of the play room. In other areas of life, I could be a lying, cheating, thieving, miserable excuse for a human being. Even though I have this other person who trusts Me to the ends of the earth because I've proven Myself over and over in play. At times, that can easily translate to trust in all areas, even when it's not deserved. That may or may not have something to do with why it feels like it is worse. As I said, just thoughts.

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