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My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 5:43:47 PM   
Duclinea


Posts: 4
Status: offline 		I was wondering if I could get some advice? This is completely unrelated to BDSM... so I put it here... hopefully that's ok.

My brother and my best friend have been fooling around for a while. I was never happy about it, but kept my mouth shut in hopes it would end quickly. Well it hasn't and feelings have grown. I made it very clear to my best friend that I didn't approve of  what they were doing and she ended it. The problem is I feel like an ass now. She claims she really loves him and my brother thinks I they're adults and I should let them make their own decisions.

My friend has been my best friend for about 15 years. My brother is also one of my (and her) best friends. She's 28, he's 25. We all hang out together and are very close.

The reason I'm so against the relationship is, she's going to be very successful. She just finished her PHD and plans to travel the world. My brother is borderline alcoholic, who likes to stay at home and smoke pot, and had more or less a minimum wage job but in his defense he works very hard at it. He's a really sweet,smart, funny guy and I can see why she likes him. I just really don't see the relationship working out long term. I'm almost positive things will end and it KILLS me to think I could lose my best friend if it ended badly.

Am I completely out of line for trying to protect my relationship with my best friend? She means SO much to me. I don't think I could deal with losing her and I just KNOW it would be her breaking it off with him eventually. Guys almost never break up with her...

If I thought this had a good chance of working out and them getting married I would be supportive I swear. More than anyone I want those 2 to be happy, but I just can't see it happening.

Am I being a horrible person? Am I the one with the issue?
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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 5:48:25 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Tell her what you said here, that you are terribly afraid things won't work out and she will be hurt. Then shut up. She's an adult, maybe she doesn't want someone who competes with her in the workplace but someone who is happy putting her first.

Plus if they do get into a fuller relationship she may prod him to stop doing drugs and to take more responsibility for his actions.

Just let them both know that you love them both and don't want a breakup between them to break up the three of you.

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 5:49:26 PM   
rulemylife


Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Duclinea


Yes.

It's none of your business.

Let it work itself out.

< Message edited by rulemylife -- 1/30/2009 5:51:38 PM >

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 5:54:57 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
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Status: offline 		if she gives up her friendship with you because of a breakup with your brother, perhaps she is not the friend you think she is

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 6:00:31 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Im thinking you did the right thing.

if she decides in a month that she MUST have him, then dont fight it.   verbalize to her what you described.

even tho she thinks she is in live- she isnt.  people usually wont compromise their life dreams for a partner that is a ball and chain.

I sorta think she wanted to end it anyway.....   unless she is seeing him in secret now.  I dont blame you for being protective.    in the mean time- your brother should get it together-  many woman - or put it this way,  someone that has something going for them- usually wont waste alot of time  with a person who doesnt.    it is a sure loss if it does.

by her being with him- that is her stating that "my life goals are negotiable". 

from here- my advice is to be honest when asked, that good communication is important. 

...tell your brother to get it together, the good woman can score better- and he himself would not date him. (if it was reversed)   maybe he cant help being low level- but he has to try.    and the key thing that jumped out in your post- "acholic".  he has a lover- then- that is the booze..... on 2nd thought- dont put a ton of effort trying to repair your brother.  

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 6:01:47 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It's their relationship, not yours. Stay out of it. They're adults and apparently smart ones. Leave them alone.

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 6:48:42 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Yes you're completely out of line.  It's none of your damn business.  I don't think I've ever dated a woman that didn't have a "friend" that insisted on sticking her nose in our affairs.  It's an absolute mystery to me why women do this.  FYI, men don't do this.  I never tell my friends who they should and shouldn't date.  I'm not their daddy. 

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 6:53:26 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


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Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Duclinea
Am I completely out of line for trying to protect my relationship with my best friend? She means SO much to me. I don't think I could deal with losing her and I just KNOW it would be her breaking it off with him eventually. Guys almost never break up with her...

If I thought this had a good chance of working out and them getting married I would be supportive I swear. More than anyone I want those 2 to be happy, but I just can't see it happening.

Am I being a horrible person? Am I the one with the issue?



Hard to say. Not necessarily. I suppose the answer to that would depend on how you handled the matter, and none of us know enough about that to give you a valid answer. One thing that does seem to come through in your post is that you seem to be very possessive about your friend, and I can't help but wonder if that makes the situation even more awkward for your friend. Is that why you ask whether you're the one with the issue? Are you second-guessing the way you handled it?

Just out of curiosity - I wonder how many of the people who don't think it's any of the OP's business would still say that if the guy was someone other than her own brother? I don't think it's that unusual for women to pull their best friend aside and have a heart-to-heart if they think their friend is dating someone who they think is  bad for her, is it? The fact that the guy happens to be the OP's brother does make it a little bit trickier, but I think there's plenty of room for a tactful, respectful discussion between two women who've been best friends for more than half their lives.


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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 6:57:59 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Duclinea,

Even if a relationship doesn't last forever and is doomed to end, so what?  We all learn and grow, and they might just be exactly what the other needs for now. 

I for one would want the persons I love to care for one another.  If they don't work out, hopefully you have more than a fair weather friend.

Your only role is to love them.  I find myself saying to people, "I trust you to do what is best for you.  You have more information than I have, and I know you will do the right thing for you."  I absolutely mean it.  And it always happens that way.

good luck,
tgfka sunshine

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 7:01:23 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

Just out of curiosity - I wonder how many of the people who don't think it's any of the OP's business would still say that if the guy was someone other than her own brother? I don't think it's that unusual for women to pull their best friend aside and have a heart-to-heart if they think their friend is dating someone who they think is  bad for her, is it? The fact that the guy happens to be the OP's brother does make it a little bit trickier, but I think there's plenty of room for a tactful, respectful discussion between two women who've been best friends for more than half their lives.


Yep, I'd still say it's none of her business.  My initial response does not mention the fact that it's her brother.  I am well aware that it's common for women to do this.  I said so, and it's still wrong.  Like I said, I've never dated a woman that didn't have at least one friend that insisted on trying to make everyone as miserable and lonely as her.  It generally boils down to these "friends" being possessive and jealous shrews.

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 7:04:27 PM   
rulemylife


Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

Just out of curiosity - I wonder how many of the people who don't think it's any of the OP's business would still say that if the guy was someone other than her own brother? I don't think it's that unusual for women to pull their best friend aside and have a heart-to-heart if they think their friend is dating someone who they think is  bad for her, is it? The fact that the guy happens to be the OP's brother does make it a little bit trickier, but I think there's plenty of room for a tactful, respectful discussion between two women who've been best friends for more than half their lives.



Just to answer your curiosity...............YES.

Would you think it unusual for a man to pull their best friend aside and have a heart-to-heart if they think their friend is dating someone bad for him?

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 7:21:13 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife

Just to answer your curiosity...............YES.

Would you think it unusual for a man to pull their best friend aside and have a heart-to-heart if they think their friend is dating someone bad for him?



Sure would. But for women, it doesn't seem to be unusual. I don't know why they do it, but it seems to be an important part of the way they see friendships. I guess if that's the way they want to do things, that's the way they're going to do 'em. The whole point of it is lost on me, but I learned long ago that there are certain things about the way that women do things that just aren't important for me to understand. That would be one of them.







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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 7:27:22 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Well, I'm a woman (feels bewbies to make sure), and I don't understand it at all.  I've never understood when someone wails, "how could you DO this to me???", when "do" refers to dating their friend, their brother, their whoever.  Who is DOING anything to you?  It's not about you, and you're trying to make it about you.  You're not her mother, you're not his mother.  Shut yer yap, stop being so selfish, and stop trying to control other people's lives.

Were I in your friend's shoes, I would have dropped you as a friend in a heartbeat.


Cali


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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 7:36:31 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou



Yep, I'd still say it's none of her business.  My initial response does not mention the fact that it's her brother.  I am well aware that it's common for women to do this.  I said so, and it's still wrong.  Like I said, I've never dated a woman that didn't have at least one friend that insisted on trying to make everyone as miserable and lonely as her.  It generally boils down to these "friends" being possessive and jealous shrews.


Yeah, like I said I never got that either. I guess it never really bothered me all that much, but I can see why other people would see it differently.  I figure if that's the norm, then that's the norm. If I'm seeing someone who, for whatever reason, is willing to let her friend talk her out of seeing me, I'm well rid of her anyway. Might as well get it out of the way sooner than later and move on.


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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 7:39:57 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe your friend will be happy to have her career and your brother as a house husband - and be ok with his indolent ways.  Maybe he is hot in bed and that is all she wants. Maybe she thinks there is only room for one driven individual in a relationship - and its not your brother. Maybe    .....    any number of reasons why your friend loves your brother.

Leave them alone  -  they are, as has been pointed out, adults. If they want to screw up their lives, more power to them.


Of course, as a friend, i would point out perceived issues to the friend.  If she has known you for 15 years, then there is a good chance that she already knows all this. I would also be very nonconfrontational about all this.

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 7:58:28 PM   
aravain


Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Duclinea
my brother thinks I they're adults and I should let them make their own decisions.


This pretty much sums up my opinion as well (also, kickass nick).

You're not a horrible person, no, but it's one of the problems with best friends who are also friends with your brother. They may not have been adults, but I had similar situations when my brother (and, hence, my friend and I) were in High School. The most annoying part was that she thought I wanted to hear about how she was annoyed that he wouldn't have sex with her.

When they broke up she was still my friend. She just wasn't his, so much.

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 8:02:05 PM   
Duclinea


Posts: 4
Status: offline 		Wow... some of you people are assholes. I didn't think trying to protect the most important relationship in my life was THAT horrible, but apparently I'm the worst person in the world? I can take some criticism but you people are brutal.

And for the record. I'm married. This is not a jealously issue.

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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 8:07:17 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Duclinea

Wow... some of you people are assholes. I didn't think trying to protect the most important relationship in my life was THAT horrible, but apparently I'm the worst person in the world? I can take some criticism but you people are brutal.

And for the record. I'm married. This is not a jealously issue.



Your post came across as you being a busybody, always needing to butt your business into your friends' relationships and treating them like children, thinking you know what's better for them than they know for themselves.

It's very controlling and domineering.

They're adults. Let them make their own mistakes or wonderful worlds, whichever is the case may be for them.


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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 8:19:02 PM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		If your relationship with your best friend would not survive her breaking up with your brother, than she isnt all that much of a friend of yours. There is no reason what happens between them needs to interfere with you in the slightest.

My brother has dated friends of mine. They havent worked out, and so my brother stops hanging around with us together. My friends have not abandoned me, and neither has my brother. They are adults, let them make their own decisions. And have a little faith that after that many years of being your friend, you two could survive a breakup.

Would you be this concerned if she was dating a mutual friend? You and your brother are not the same entity, so there is no reason to assume that her leaving him at some point in the future would mean shed have to leave you. However, it is selfish to ask them to give one another up just to make you more comfortable in your relationship.

DV


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RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 8:27:00 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Duclinea

I didn't think trying to protect the most important relationship in my life was THAT horrible, but apparently I'm the worst person in the world? I can take some criticism but you people are brutal.


Unless I missed it, no one said you were the worst person in the world.  However, this little temper tantrum you're having does make you look at least a decade younger than your best friend, and closer to two decades.

I can't even begin to wrap my brain around the fact that this best friend is more important to you than your own husband... I can understand the brother, but your HUSBAND?  Wow.  I hope he doesn't know that.


Cali


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