RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/30/2009 8:27:12 PM

MsLadySue

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline

Welcome to the forums Duclinea.

Yes, asking advice around here can be rough if you don't have really thick skin. Please don't let it deter you.

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to Duclinea)

Post #: 21

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 4:32:06 AM

cjan

Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

Yes you're completely out of line. It's none of your damn business. I don't think I've ever dated a woman that didn't have a "friend" that insisted on sticking her nose in our affairs. It's an absolute mystery to me why women do this. FYI, men don't do this. I never tell my friends who they should and shouldn't date. I'm not their daddy.

For once, we agree. It's a fact that men ( certainly the ones I know ) don't do this sort ofstuff. Go figure.

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 22

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 5:02:50 AM

StrangerThan

Posts: 1515
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duclinea

I was wondering if I could get some advice? This is completely unrelated to BDSM... so I put it here... hopefully that's ok.

My brother and my best friend have been fooling around for a while. I was never happy about it, but kept my mouth shut in hopes it would end quickly. Well it hasn't and feelings have grown. I made it very clear to my best friend that I didn't approve of what they were doing and she ended it. The problem is I feel like an ass now. She claims she really loves him and my brother thinks I they're adults and I should let them make their own decisions.

My friend has been my best friend for about 15 years. My brother is also one of my (and her) best friends. She's 28, he's 25. We all hang out together and are very close.

The reason I'm so against the relationship is, she's going to be very successful. She just finished her PHD and plans to travel the world. My brother is borderline alcoholic, who likes to stay at home and smoke pot, and had more or less a minimum wage job but in his defense he works very hard at it. He's a really sweet,smart, funny guy and I can see why she likes him. I just really don't see the relationship working out long term. I'm almost positive things will end and it KILLS me to think I could lose my best friend if it ended badly.

Am I completely out of line for trying to protect my relationship with my best friend? She means SO much to me. I don't think I could deal with losing her and I just KNOW it would be her breaking it off with him eventually. Guys almost never break up with her...

If I thought this had a good chance of working out and them getting married I would be supportive I swear. More than anyone I want those 2 to be happy, but I just can't see it happening.

Am I being a horrible person? Am I the one with the issue?

Most of the time what I see when people get into others relationships is that they're afraid of losing something anyway, regardless if it works out or not. And you may have already. Let's face it. Your friend, your brother, you all hang out together a lot. So what's the deal now? Everyone still comfortable hanging out and running around with you as the queen bee who approves or doesn't approve of what they do?

My brother and I share a unique relationship. We stay out of each other's business. Yet, if one needs support from the other, it's always there. If I want a straight up honest opinion to something, I ask. He gives me his whether its something he thinks I'm going to like or not. He needs an opinion, I give it whether I think its what he wants to hear or not. Past that, we make our own decisions. There are no I-told-you-so's, no recriminations, no making the other feel bad for something that didn't work out. If he fucks up, he's still my brother, my friend. The same is true in reverse.

That's what I see a friend to be in issues like these. Give your opinion, then stay out of it. Support them on what they choose to do. It's not your place in life to decide what's right or wrong for your friends when it comes to who they love or who they want to be with. And honestly, you're going to ostracize yourself if they do love each other because in the trump game, love will trump friendship if it has to. Don't make it have to.

(in reply to Duclinea)

Post #: 23

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 5:29:20 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duclinea
Am I completely out of line for trying to protect my relationship with my best friend? She means SO much to me. I don't think I could deal with losing her and I just KNOW it would be her breaking it off with him eventually. Guys almost never break up with her...

I don't understand this... You are willing to sacrifice her fun/enjoyment, so you can hold on to her, even though your relationship and theirs is entirely different? Why would she no longer be your best friend, if you told her the truth about your brother, and she made the choice to be with him?
I don't understand the extreme fear of losing her from your end. In my best friendships, I kind of consider them permanent, as long as I don't personally do something to betray them or vice versa.

quote:

Am I being a horrible person? Am I the one with the issue?

I think you are taking a greater risk of losing her by treating her this way. I wouldn't want a best friend who would pressure me to give up someone I cared for/wanted, unless that person is her husband. M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to Duclinea)

Post #: 24

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 6:00:50 AM

mydomsabstrd

Posts: 1775
Joined: 10/5/2007
Status: offline

im sorry but i find that putting your relationship with your best friend over that with your brother is odd, i come from a family first mind frame so maybe its just me. i guess what they say about blood being thicker than water isnt true. but id look out for my family before anyone else every single time. im weird that way. and btw ive lost friends who didnt approve of who i was with, i didnt care, i still dont.

< Message edited by mydomsabstrd -- 1/31/2009 6:01:33 AM >

_____________________________

damn right
i used to care.....now i take a pill for that
i said shush girl, shush your lips, do the hellen keller and talk with your hips!!!!

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)

Post #: 25

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 6:06:03 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duclinea

Wow... some of you people are assholes. I didn't think trying to protect the most important relationship in my life was THAT horrible, but apparently I'm the worst person in the world? I can take some criticism but you people are brutal.

And for the record. I'm married. This is not a jealously issue.

OK, wow. Never ask a question ("Am I a horrible person?" in the OP) if you aren't ready for the answer. No one said you are the worst person in the world, in fact, no one even said you were horrible. People answered honestly, giving you their point of view.

I'm also confused - you are married but your friendship is the most important relationship to you?

Now, I understand worry for your friend, but seriously - you're "against" their relationship? Because of how it might affect you?? Your post says nothing about concern for your friend, rather concern for yourself in all of this. Do you realize that's not really being a friend? And your friend gave up this relationship for you? I really don't comprehend any of this.

That said, my friends and I lean on each other and look out for each other. We've said to each other, "Hey I'm concerned about you seeing this guy - he doesn't seem good enough for you" but then we let it go. We're all grown up and allow each other to be all grown up and see who we want. It's funny though, I've had close friends date my brother before. But any time his friends turned an eye on me, his response to them was something along the lines of "Don't even think about it."

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Duclinea)

Post #: 26

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 6:59:08 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Wow... some of you people are assholes.

and you are an obvious control freak

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Duclinea)

Post #: 27

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 7:11:46 AM

BigDirty

Posts: 18
Joined: 2/9/2008
Status: offline

The biggest issue comes with you dealing with the lose of a friend, and possibly a brother because of your opinion. What I think might help is just go to your friend and speak with her, and ask her, what direction does she see her and your brother going. Explain to her that you see that she is really focused on her career, but that you were concerned that though you love your brother, his focus is not at your friends level. Ask her, if she would consider putting off her career for your brother. And if the career continued, with your brother also, how was she going to get your brother to focus on the bigger picture. If she is going for her PHD, that should be all that you need to ask her, she should be intelliget enough to put the puzzle together after that. Then leave it alone

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 28

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 7:25:24 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline

...the OP was worded with a slant. But it isnt necessary to .... chase away a newbie.

new people are not going to open up - per threads like these.

maybe she made a mistake, maybe she didnt.

just use caution before.... seeming to harsh-

(in reply to BigDirty)

Post #: 29

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 8:52:51 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duclinea

My friend has been my best friend for about 15 years. My brother is also one of my (and her) best friends. She's 28, he's 25. We all hang out together and are very close.

I'm almost positive things will end and it KILLS me to think I could lose my best friend if it ended badly.

Am I completely out of line for trying to protect my relationship with my best friend? She means SO much to me. I don't think I could deal with losing her and I just KNOW it would be her breaking it off with him eventually. Guys almost never break up with her...

Am I being a horrible person? Am I the one with the issue?

Hi Duclinea:

I picked out and highlighted the parts of your statement that stuck out to me.

First of all, I don't think you're a horrible person, a bad sister, or a lousy friend. You're just human, like anyone else, and your post seems to ring out as someone who is "scared" of losing something.  It sounds like you're afraid of losing your friend, or afraid of your relationship changing in some manner, and it's perfectly normal for people to be concerned about their close relationships. It could also be that you're mourning the relationship between the three of you, as you once knew it and enjoyed it. It's not ever going to be the same now. And what you're going through is a very common feeling in this type of a situation.

You probably think that if it goes sour between she and your brother, then your friendship with her will suffer as well, or end. There is nothing wrong with having that concern, it only means that your relationship with her is important to you.   But no matter, you can't control the lives, feelings, or actions of other people.

I have been in the same situation more than once. I have been friends with women that both my brother and father (when he was alive) had relationships with. In some cases, I was stuck in the middle of it when there were problems. Especially in my brother's case. We were all much younger then, but both parties (my brother and my friend) would come to me with their issues, and it was an uncomfortable place to be in. I would have to play quite the diplomat and just listen to each of them and not say anything negative about the other. It IS a sticky situation, and if either of them were involved with generic people, then it would be easy to be there for each of them, and listen to their relationship issues the same way you always have, but given the fact that two people who are close to you are now involved with each other, it puts a whole different spin on your relationship with each of them. It changes the whole feeling of each separate relationship. When people have never experienced this, they can't really understand it, especially when each separate relationship had it's own special chemistry for so many years, and on top of that, the collective relationship between the three of you has now changed.

Unfortunately you will most likely be stuck in the middle of it at some point or another.   I would just sit back and let it play itself out however it goes. Be there for each of them, but don't get involved if you can avoid it. Don't do or say anything dishonorable against either of them, then neither relationship (yours and your brother's/yours and your friend's) will be harmed by you. Let them work all their shit out on their own and if they try to put you in the middle, just tell them you want no part of it.  If it ends between them, hopefully your relationship with each of them will resume it's old flavor and continue to endure.   It's just a fact of life that things change, sometimes for the better, other times for the worse. And this is one of those things that you just can't control. Try to accept that things have changed, and try to just go with the flow, without allowing your fears and concerns to come between all of you. And try to keep it in perspective and walk that fine line without falling over to either side; that's your only part in this really.  The rest is up to them.

< Message edited by marie2 -- 1/31/2009 8:55:46 AM >

(in reply to Duclinea)

Post #: 30

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 9:29:31 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

Yes you're completely out of line. It's none of your damn business. I don't think I've ever dated a woman that didn't have a "friend" that insisted on sticking her nose in our affairs. It's an absolute mystery to me why women do this. FYI, men don't do this. I never tell my friends who they should and shouldn't date. I'm not their daddy.

For once, we agree. It's a fact that men ( certainly the ones I know ) don't do this sort ofstuff. Go figure.

Not sure about this one. You have never pulled one of your boys aside and said, "Tom, I realize that Karen is kind of attractive, but surely you had to notice that she is a total cunt?"

I probably never have done this either.....But by God, I should have!!!!!!

_____________________________

(in reply to cjan)

Post #: 31

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 1/31/2009 10:29:20 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

But it isnt necessary to .... chase away a newbie.

We don't have the power to "chase away a newbie". They are in charge and responsible for what they say and how they react.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to pahunkboy)

Post #: 32

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 2/1/2009 12:01:16 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
and you are an obvious control freak

Is this supposed to be a bad thing?

M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 33

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 2/1/2009 12:55:36 AM

chezzy71

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline

you have no right to interfere whatsoever..there is no way to try and sugarcoat it.the only relationship you should be really concerned with is your marriage and if you have a child.I am sure World War 3 would begin if someone told you how to handle your life..and you are a Domina??

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)

Post #: 34

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 2/1/2009 1:37:11 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

I'm joking with Katylied, and no this isn't about me.

M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to chezzy71)

Post #: 35

RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice - 2/1/2009 4:50:52 AM

cjan

Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

Yes you're completely out of line. It's none of your damn business. I don't think I've ever dated a woman that didn't have a "friend" that insisted on sticking her nose in our affairs. It's an absolute mystery to me why women do this. FYI, men don't do this. I never tell my friends who they should and shouldn't date. I'm not their daddy.

For once, we agree. It's a fact that men ( certainly the ones I know ) don't do this sort ofstuff. Go figure.

Not sure about this one. You have never pulled one of your boys aside and said, "Tom, I realize that Karen is kind of attractive, but surely you had to notice that she is a total cunt?"

I probably never have done this either.....But by God, I should have!!!!!!

Apples and oranges, homes. Of course, I've made comments similar to the example you give, but, I let it go at that. It's one thing to voice an opinion, it's another to meddle to the extent that the OP has.

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 36

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: My best friend and my brother... In need of advice

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109