once burnt, twice shy

once burnt, twice shy (Full Version)

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jakelogan01 -> once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 1:01:05 PM)
some of us are recovering from serious disappointments. are the scars from master-slave relationship failures deeper? do they take longer to heal?

RCdc -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 1:05:58 PM)
Only if you keep picking at them. Ms relationships or disappointments aren't harder to deal with than any other unless you choose to make it hard for yourself. the.da\rk.

Evility -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 1:05:59 PM)
Not to me they don't. Pain hurts. There are many who place a premium on D/s relationships but I do not.

bound4more -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 1:11:18 PM)
Are they to you? I'd think that would be all that matters. Is one experience/relationship deeper than another? Only each individual can say.

MistressLamia -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 1:11:53 PM)
Whenever you trust or care for someone deeply and find out you have been decieved it hurts. Human is human no matter if your D/s or ??? Perhaps if your a Dominant it is worse because you are, in essence, responsiable for another person in so many ways?

JustDarkness -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 1:14:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jakelogan01 some of us are recovering from serious disappointments. are the scars from master-slave relationship failures deeper? do they take longer to heal? it might be the person that give you the feelings..not the kind of relation oops...see the post above [&o]

Phoenixpower -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 1:16:42 PM)
Nope, those scars aren't deeper. Scars from my upbringing, where e.g. my parents failed badly in many ways are much deeper then any dominant would ever be able to hurt me, which, of course, had nothing to do at all with d/s stuff. Therefore I can only agree to MistressLamia: "Whenever you trust or care for someone deeply and find out you have been decieved it hurts."

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 1:22:52 PM)
Honestly, it depends on how willing you are to move on. My most challenging 'disappointment' came in the form of a sudden death. It took a while to pull the pieces back together, at least in part because everything was a reminder of what I'd had, and now had lost. Eventually, my companion and I decided that a complete break from our old life that contained the resting dead would be the most productive way to start over, so we recreated our lives from the ground up, and let go of the past so that we could see all the possibilities opening up for us in the future. If you hold on to old hurts, and hang all that old pain on your new situations, it will be climbing a chain of mountains and being forced to carry all the mountains you've already crossed on your back as you climb each new mountain... if you let go of the old baggage, drop the old pains and disappointments, and just focus on the things you've learned about yourself, the wisdom you've gained from your experiences, and the road ahead, it doesn't have to be more painful or miserable or hurtful than anything else. If I might take a moment to expound on a personal philosophy, I let go of the idea of 'forever' a long time ago. I stopped looking for that person (or those people) who would be with me for "all of time", and started focusing on the joys of -today-, and the opportunity to cherish what I have right now. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Heck, the ceiling may fall in on me in the next second, and that would be all she wrote... So instead of worrying about tomorrow or forever, focus on the here and now. Cherish the people in your life while you're with them, and if it comes time to let them go because one or more of the people have stopped growing or insurmountable change piles up, let go fully and peacefully... hold the joy close, and stay upwind of the crap. Then you'll have a better chance of seeing what opportunities might be present in the letting-go.

BondageBarbieX -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 1:25:44 PM)
I do not think the feelings of hurt are any different from that of a vanilla relationship.Disappointment is disappointment.

trealeon -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 2:38:17 PM)
I don't think the Dom/sub elements of my last relationship are what made it so especially painful, I just think it was the way it ended and just the fact that I felt a stronger connection to her than in most of my previous relationships and the closer you feel to someone, the more pain when you are betrayed/disappointed by them.

SassySarijane -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 2:41:40 PM)
The D/s or M/s doesn't make it hurt more or less. The depth of the feelings involved and probably the nature of the break up or ending are going to be what affects how painful it is.

colouredin -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 2:46:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jakelogan01 some of us are recovering from serious disappointments. are the scars from master-slave relationship failures deeper? do they take longer to heal? Loosing anyone you care about is hard. Vanilla relationships involve each person restructuring their lives around the other so it leaves just as big a gap. The only reason that I can see that it takes longer to heal is that you have stronger emotions from a D/s relationship because a D/s relationship makes you happier. My longest and most involved relationships have had a D/s bent and they hurt more because they fullfilled me more so the ending of them hurt more. If a relationship is important to you it hurts there are scars but scars fade, it becomes harder and harder to point out where the scar is and thougn you probably will always remember what made the scar eventually you will be able to go day to day without it affecting you. Once its a scar its already healed, a scar just serves as a reminder.

littlewonder -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 2:53:44 PM)
No and no

ShiftedJewel -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 3:14:47 PM)
I think maybe in the beginning it hurts more because here you thought you had found the ultimate in trust and communication so when you discover that it's really no different in an M/s relationship then it is in a vanilla one it really digs in deep and hurts a lot more. I mean, really... you got "cut" twice. First with the relationship ending and second with having your "illusion" destroyed. *Jewel*

RealSub58 -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 3:48:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jakelogan01 some of us are recovering from serious disappointments. are the scars from master-slave relationship failures deeper? do they take longer to heal? I don't know if the disappointments are deeper for to say so is to compare.I don't think there is a difference between M/s or D/s. Actually both are the same to me. This said after being labeled both by owners. Failures. They are fears. Grieving through the faced fear can take any length that is particular to an individual. If we don't want to face the truth, it takes much longer. Denial. I do believe that if deceitfulness is involved, the hurt is deeper because trust is raped.Below are some of the thoughts I have on my profile in regards to this. If you live in the "need of tomorrow," you will not enjoy the beauty of today. Sometimes fear makes cowards of us all. Sometimes it is easier to stay in a miserable place, than risk moving on. The risk is of course fresh new pain when one hasn't yet recovered from the old. So we stay in our miserable place. We embrace the known pain. We wrap it around us like a warm blanket on a cold night. We begin to believe we are warm and safe and dry. However, we are lying to ourselves. The blanket doesn't keep us warm. It is wet and heavy, and a burden to carry. It keeps us down, not warm. Worse yet, this blanket is infested with insidious, evil creatures, that burrow into our heart and soul. Creepy, crawly creatures. Worms of self doubt, and self loathing. The longer we remain wrapped in this blanket, the deeper inside of us they dig. Finally, they nest, and create a comfortable environment for themselves within us. They are parasites. Like all parasites in nature, they will continue to eat away at the host, until they the host dies from their destructive ways. Killed from within 9) Betrayal – Dealing with betrayal usually sends a person on an emotional rollercoaster ride. There is no practical way of preparing for it because every act of betrayal contains a different set of variables. When it happens, we are usually left asking a series of questions. Why? Is there another side to the story? Can we work through this? These are questions only the people involved can answer and deal with. I just thought to add that blaming the other is not good for healing. It takes 2 to end a relationship and we must take responsiblity for our own part.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 3:58:49 PM)
I am not a person that gets over things easily, so I will say yes, it is a misery, and any sincere feeling is going to take time to get over. We move on though, right? What else is there to do?

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 4:06:02 PM)
they are deeper dont fool yourself thing of it is if it does not cut that deep the relationship was not the meaningful some people have no emotions theyare bottomless pit of frozen ice from which no warm jester of love or respect can enter so they use and use but on a site like this shrugs like skittles all kinds of flavors

bamagirl4u -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 4:31:19 PM)
When you are deceived by someone, no matter what the circumstances, yes, it hurts. Does it hurt worse? It depends on the person, how deep the deception or lie was and how that person deals with it. It is personal and there is no time line imo. When my last Dom deceived me, I shut down, emotionally and physically. I did not trust anyone and stayed inside myself for a long time wondering what I did do make Him lie to me. Finally, when I got tired of feeling like that, I ventured back out. I still have trust issues, but I know that everyone is not like him. I know now that I didn't do anything wrong~~except trust him with my heart.

silkncarol -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 5:52:52 PM)
I can totally relate.....very wise words! Thank you for sharing..... quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW Honestly, it depends on how willing you are to move on. My most challenging 'disappointment' came in the form of a sudden death. It took a while to pull the pieces back together, at least in part because everything was a reminder of what I'd had, and now had lost. Eventually, my companion and I decided that a complete break from our old life that contained the resting dead would be the most productive way to start over, so we recreated our lives from the ground up, and let go of the past so that we could see all the possibilities opening up for us in the future. If you hold on to old hurts, and hang all that old pain on your new situations, it will be climbing a chain of mountains and being forced to carry all the mountains you've already crossed on your back as you climb each new mountain... if you let go of the old baggage, drop the old pains and disappointments, and just focus on the things you've learned about yourself, the wisdom you've gained from your experiences, and the road ahead, it doesn't have to be more painful or miserable or hurtful than anything else. If I might take a moment to expound on a personal philosophy, I let go of the idea of 'forever' a long time ago. I stopped looking for that person (or those people) who would be with me for "all of time", and started focusing on the joys of -today-, and the opportunity to cherish what I have right now. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Heck, the ceiling may fall in on me in the next second, and that would be all she wrote... So instead of worrying about tomorrow or forever, focus on the here and now. Cherish the people in your life while you're with them, and if it comes time to let them go because one or more of the people have stopped growing or insurmountable change piles up, let go fully and peacefully... hold the joy close, and stay upwind of the crap. Then you'll have a better chance of seeing what opportunities might be present in the letting-go.

MidMichCowboy -> RE: once burnt, twice shy (1/12/2009 7:20:29 PM)
When I was young, I felt almost as if I had failed or been rejected, when a relationship ended. I think that caused the greatest hurt, the humiliation that it didn't work or that I (cocky bastard that I was) had been rejected. Through the years, I've been more cautious in giving my heart, so that when a relationship failed, it hurt worse. It's realizing someone did NOT love you the way you loved them. The fact that you took a risk for a person and it failed. Each time it happens, I find its harder to open up and more painful if it fails. With D/s or M/s, it adds another layer of trust and openness that failed. That failure and loss, is harder to come to terms with each time. So, you build a tougher shell and probably hurt yourself even more, by denying yourself a chance at happiness. Humans are very strange.

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