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Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 5:48:54 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Gees, I hope I word this well, I feel sometimes I spend more time qualifying than I do focusing on the question(s) I am posing--but here goes.  Needless to say, My longterm goal is to find a submissive, someone who can roll their sleeves up and work with Me to continue building the life I have and want to have, albeit in the second seat if you will.
 
My home is well established, routines in place, activities defined, much activity in our hobbies and interests. I seldom sit idle--each day is meant to accomplish something and to have each member feel valuable. Needless to say, My intent is to bring someone INTO this environment, someone who has the same interests, energy level and desire.  Its taken a long time searching, as many subs see this like the song from Annie--"easy street"-though I am fully in charge and accepting of the responsibilities of the current house and any new modifications, I am not offering the sugar shack. I expect similar drives, etc. It is known that if a sub agrees to this, they have some compromise that will happen--maybe the most, who knows.
 
I know what will work, what won't, what personalities wont fly, what habits won't jive, what behaviors will cause more disruption than mesh.  ( ok so Im picky but I dont want starts and stops, been there did that and it was brutal for 6 months).
 
My question is when you are looking at a scenario like this, how much compromise do YOU put into the environment, how much do you change to make it mesh, how far are you willing to go to modify the established? Or does everything change and start anew?
 
I am sure there are those who will say, I didnt, I moved in and I did whatever Master said, well ok, yeah, but I'm sure that is in the really low percentages , and that's not what I'm looking for, or is it?
 
(I know you will say every situation is different, I dont want to hear that, I really want to hear your thoughts, ideas, opinions. Look at your situation, look at what you might do or not do, or what you did or didn't do)
 
Thanks ahead of time.

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 6:17:22 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Cat... funny thing you should ask... lol

Me and mine are all fairly easy to get along with, we have easy going, albeit strong, personalities. There was a time when we believed that there would have to be intense compromise to find a forth that would be comfy in our home. Like the fact that we all smoke. So we bought one of those expensive filters for the room we spend the most time in as a group due to a non smoker that was here for a while. But we've discovered that like your home, ours is set in a very workable routine. We don't have to set aside time for each other, it just happens naturally. So sad to say, but the one coming in would have to be the one to do the most compromising.
 
Jewel

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 7:09:19 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
I am sure there are those who will say, I didnt, I moved in and I did whatever Master said, well ok, yeah, but I'm sure that is in the really low percentages , and that's not what I'm looking for, or is it?
 


Given this statement, I am not sure that you want to hear our answer.

We did not make any compromises when I moved in over a year ago.  There were no differences to settle between the three of us and none of us ended up with less than what we wanted in order to fit our lives together.  Hell, we haven't even had a disagreement in the year since I moved in and it wasn't a difficult to mesh our lives together. 

Changes were made on all sides, but those changes were initiated so that we could get what we wanted.  That is a very different connotation than compromising in order to live together.  He made the decisions about what changes would be made and Alandra and I made them happen.  The end result is that we have all received what we wanted.

Knight's Kyra

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"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 8:05:28 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Well... I did have to compromise my leisure time.  Now god forbid.... I couldn't spend as much time doing wood working or watching football or reading or even lazying on the computer.  I had to use some of the that leisure time to have sex with another woman in the house!  So.. that was a hugeeee compromise.     And then there is the closet space.  I had to share my huge closet with 100 shoes and a bunch of dresses.  That was a tough compromise!  Then there is the fact that my toothbrush has less space in the Master Bath than it did in the past.   But... I think the big compromise is I have alot less bed space!  I There is little ole me stuck between to snoring dead to the world girls on a king size bed.. when before I had my own side of the bed  ..............OH the compromises I have to endure!!!!!


What is a compromise exactly?  As i look at at my above paragraph... I am thinking many wouldn't see them as compromises.  I would actually have to agree.  I made changes!  I made room for Kyra in my bed not because I had to ... but because that was one of the things I wanted in having a Poly-Relationship.  And as far as the closet.... I don't even go in there or my dressers... So I wouldn't know where my stuff compared to their clothes.  I just don't care... But... I knew that with Kyra coming into the house she would need space for clothes.  Decisions where made to ensure that she had enough space.  No one gave up something they wanted to achieve the space... in fact... We removed alot of clothes that none of us liked or needed.

So.. what is a compromise?  I see it as the best common denominator!  Two individuals with different wants but both settling to the best common denominator between the two of them.  This is Not something that happened between Alandra and I or between Alandra, Kyra and I.  There was no compromises!  There was changes.  Aspected and desired Changes!!!!

As Kyra stated above... I made the decisions on the changes that we would each be required to make.  All of us needed to make changes to one degree or another.  I think the key that there was no compromises is that we focused on understanding the fundamental reason of why the three of us wanted this relationship.   I placed the wants and needs that we all brought to the table in an order of priority for the benefit of the relationship.  The most important thing for all of us was The Relationship!   Focusing on "Our well established home life, routines in pace, activities defined and much activity in our hobbies and interests"  All put thes things and the individual ahead of the relationship of the three of us!  No question some of those things are important... but not as important as the relationship between the three of us.   We three Built a new established home life... we established routines and activities together...  Much of them are similiar to before we became a family... but there are many new or different ways of doing things as well.  I can't compare my life with  Kyra, Alandra and I to Alandra and I.  They are very different relationships and way of living.  What worked for Alandra and I is not going to be the same for Kyra, Alandra and I.   No different than what worked for me... wasn't going to work or Alandra and I.  We each put into the recipe and the results will be different at the end.

As I stated... we didn't make compromises because we focused on what was best for the relationship.   But, how does one know that you want to put the relationship first with this person that is part of this relationship.  I don't think there is an easy answer to that question.  It seems overly romantic to say.. "you just Know!"  But... for me that is how it was with Kyra.  It is not something that came immediately.  But, it wasn't something that I dwelled on either.   I reached a point in getting to know Kyra that I knew that the relationship between Alandra, Kyra and I was the most important thing in either of our lives.  We very much came to that realization in our own way but with similiar timing.   The thoughts shifting from validations and discovery and learning about each other to learning and discovering about US.  This wasn't a conscious or self-awared process... Until after it had occured.  It's kinda of like one was busy at a task and then looks up suddenly realizing how much time had past.  With us we where busy learning and discovering each other that when we looked up... we realized that we evolved from the individual to the US.  There was no push to be US... we just became US becuase that was where the water flowed!



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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 8:11:49 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I think after having Fox for 9 years now this household is fairly established and settled. Anyone new would need to fit into how things work.

That said there are obvious safety issues we'd need to adjust to those issues. For example food allergies.

Honestly if someone differs too much from we three just aren't going to fit in so any amount of compromising is just ignoring reality.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 8:47:03 AM   
darchChylde


Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline 		My perspective is a little different, i'll list the major things i've noticed i have had to change or compromise since moving in with Ma'am and Her Husband/Dominant.

- there are no longer any "little things"... this means that those everyday decisions that i made whilst living apart that had no real effect on Her and Her life/space, i didn't have to ask about and simply took care of them myself.  Now i have to consider Her with every decision: if i want to have a bowl of cereal, i had better ask beforehand as She may have been planning on making a big lunch for the family in a half hour.

- i no longer automatically have "my time".  If i want to go to my room (a huge attic, recently called "the man cave"), i can no longer shut the rest of the world out and escape.  i may not have to always (or even often) ask to leave the room, but i now have to take to mind that even apart i must be always available to Her needs and desires.

- i can no longer "just stubborn through" an injury or illness.  Since we started our move, i've had the flu once and hurt my knee badly (old injury) at work.  Once upon a time, in the circumstances i would still go about my daily motions (example: if i didn't take out the trash, bad knee or not, it would pile up and stink).  Now, i am forced to sit on my ass with my leg up and watch my Owner take care of my chores and even (gods forbid, RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!) have Her serve me

- i have no personal privacy, beyond that which She decides i have and that may be changed at a moment's notice (or even none)

These may not sound like compromises, or may appear to be just the obvious aspects of being a submissive; but there is a major difference between seeing someone only a few days every couple of weeks and seeing someone every morning and every night.  She runs a very casual, low protocol relationship and that has not changed; but still Her desires and needs are more directly a constant consideration in a way they never were before we lived together.


_____________________________

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if only to keep me to herself.

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Where the fuck do I post?

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 9:06:33 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		When I met beth I had an almost one bedroom first floor apartment whose front door got splashed when the kids dived into the pool. Soon afterward I got a place where beth's assigned closet exceeds the total size of the apartment. I couldn't give her a drawer in my dresser because when I was carrying it out of my house in NJ, I dropped it down the stairs and it broke in half. When I 'fixed' it with 20 penny nails I sacrificed the one empty drawer. When beth came to live with me, I compromised on new furniture. Of course, it wasn't all me.

When we moved, beth had to compromise and start to wear clothes again. she couldn't crawl through the new place, because of the hard stone floors and the chains weren't practical either. she was upset about that, but it was a sacrifice she was willing to make.

Any 'compromise', discussion, and decision on meaningful issues took place before either of us made a commitment to live together. The living together part is easy. Believing in the other person's commitment and determining if their vision of cohabitation was fantasy based took the longest time. I was skeptical. I had a "yeah sure!" mentality about anyone willing to live under the rules and responsibilities I required, and would not compromise, of my partner. beth appeared to be sincere, but had no experience. However, I was impressed with her self awareness, her strength, and self confidence in the face of my trying constantly to convince her that the relationship dynamic I required would be as difficult to live 24/7 as it was detailed. I told her, and believe I've lived up to, there would be NO compromise. There would be no 'time-out', no 'vacation', no 'down-time' to recuperate, clear her head, or recharge. I promised her a life not a lifestyle. There were many that claimed to want the life I laid out, but none wanted, or could, maintain the intensity and mind-set over a long time. Six years later I'm almost convinced that beth can; almost...

There has been compromise, better described as accommodation; but not between us, or related to our relationship. The compromise involves maintaining it exactly as we defined and establish it long ago, in the face of outside influences. Ideally, like a second job/Master for beth, we eliminate those influences. Some, because of genetics, we have to deal with on a regular basis. Whatever we deal with business, family, or pleasure; the compromise is directed toward them. 

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 9:20:38 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'd say there are definitely things that change any time there is an extra person in the household.  I don't really call them compromises.  They are more like adjustments.  One of them is the fruit.  When clip's here and cooks, there is fruit that comes with damn near everything.  It's his version of Me eating healthier.  Don't think he doesn't know that it's that look on his face when he tells Me that he wants to make sure I'm getting enough balance in My diet that gets Me to eat the stuff.

Then there's the sleep adjustments.  Somehow, a night owl like Me has this extreme morning person for a sub.  (Nobody should be that happy in the mornings.  It's just not right.)  This means I actually go to bed before sunrise.  The trade off in this is that he's forbidden to play certain musical selections (it's literally called "The Hampster Dance) before noon.

Oh yes.  The conversation.  Ever been in a room with two military types who use those freaking acronyms for everything?  It's like living in a foreign country where you have to have words explained to you just to keep up.

Cat, I'm sorry.  I just can't help you much.  When clip's here, he pretty much falls right in with us.  Even when all three of us were on different schedules, there weren't any huge issues.  For the better part of a year, he basically lived here.  When he visits now, it's like he never left.  It just worked for us.


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 9:21:33 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

My question is when you are looking at a scenario like this, how much compromise do YOU put into the environment, how much do you change to make it mesh, how far are you willing to go to modify the established? Or does everything change and start anew?

 
Firstly for me to move in with Sir it would mean that i would probably have to give my career up. I run a pub as most know and in the UK it means living in for various reasons and legalities. Now i could find someone to live in and just come in through the day and evening but in the current climate probably could not afford to do that. I could find a pub / club to manage where live in is not required but situations such as these are quite rare. So weighing everything up chances are i'm not going to be moving in with someone.
 
So that leaves the option of someone moving in with me. I think to a certain degee this makes things easier, smoother perhaps. I already run this house and have a good routine going. To include someone elses needs into that would be very easy.
 
Whoever moves in though has to put up with my um, her boyfriend who works for me and his brother who works for me. Plus two very gorgeous but always there border collies. Of course this means compromise has to be made with behaviours, play etc around them.
 
Living on the premises where i work technically means i am also at work 24/7. I can be called down to the bar at any time, be needed to fix something at any minute etc etc. It can be extremely annoying even for me and i'm guessing its something that would annoy a partner at times to.
 
I think what i'm trying to say is that most of the compromising would not be on my side. My job and family life would dictate mostly for someone who moved in here.

 

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 11:34:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It depends on the issue for me.  But I also wouldn't call it compromise- there are things I don't care about, so we just shift over.  And there are things I do care about, and they don't get shifted. 

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 12:03:39 PM   
thefallenfruit


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/17/2008
Status: offline 		The man that I belong to...we live together. We haven't been living together for very long...and we didn't come together with a clear definitely of D/s or M/s. I'm just his. While we both work, when I'm home, I usually see to household duties...cooking, cleaning...(though he cleans up alot of the time when I can't move from chasing around a 13 month old all day). It wasn't so much compromises that I had to make, but things I had to learn. One of the things is that he is a vegetarian and I'm not (yet at least) and he likes his food prepared a certain way and I couldn't see why I had to go through all the trouble when "it's just as quick to do it like this." (LOL). I think I had to adjust my attitude about certain things. And I feel my submissiveness and even servitude to him being tested, because it's so much easier to "be" submissive when there's no one around to submit to. I've learned how to be quiet and accept his authority because I love and respect him.

There are mostly really minor things...but it hadn't felt like a compromise for the most part because the transition has been pretty smooth.

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 1:40:58 PM   
bound4more


Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thefallenfruit

. . . . . . . . And I feel my submissiveness and even servitude to him being tested, because it's so much easier to "be" submissive when there's no one around to submit to. I've learned how to be quiet and accept his authority because I love and respect him.



Ha ha - that's priceless. There's been alot of adjustments - perhaps compromises in our relationship. But for anything we've sacrificed, we've found other things to take it's place. I lived on my own most of my life. I made my own decisions when, how and why. So living with my Dominant and deferring to his opinions has been, and at times still is, difficult. I don't know that anyone actually doesn't think their way is the best way. After all we use our own common sense and judgment based on what we think is the best way - right? I mean people don't decide something because they think it's the most time-consuming, inefficient, illogical thing to do - correct? lol. But another's perspective can seem that way at times and so that's when it can be a challenge to let go of one's own ideas about what is best.
 
I don't have to tell You, Cat, if anyone is aware of the challenges I've face, You are. But I also believe that some people are more laid back than others. Some people are more trusting than others. I have been neither. ha ha. So we've "duked it out" so to speak. Would we have liked it to be easier, of course. Sometimes I don't think it's always a matter of compatibility. Challenges in compromising or adjusting can be the result of old wounds and fears that arise and need healing.

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/12/2009 3:07:25 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		For two people to be able to live together in harmony both sides will need to compromise. It's part of being human.

If two people really care for each other they actually don't mind doing this to a certain extent.

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/13/2009 2:44:54 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		My thoughts are..........I never want to live with M....lol.

Thankfully he's kindly made it an unattractive prospect. Both of us like things *our* way and are quite self-contained (probably why we understand each other) . I'm in NO doubt who'd be doing the changing.

To be honest, I've never found living within the same four walls with someone, other than the sprogs, to be the best environment for me. I always wished that I lived next door to my life partners.

If it DID occur, I envisage a period of unpleasantness........for me......lol

agirl


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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/13/2009 11:11:07 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Dinner is between 6:30 and 7:00 most days. On my own, I eat later and erratically; a sandwich at ten if I get hungry or just a yogurt.
I go to bed at reasonable hours instead of staying up late on the computer.
Oh yeah, and no peas because he doesn't like them.

But I haven't lost anything of value to me. That would be unacceptable.

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/13/2009 10:48:07 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Daddy moved into a pre existing space that was barely containing me and my things,  He's compromised on what he will and will not bring into the space, since even though we moved into the garage and it's 200 square feet, there's still not much room by the time you put all your needed stuff.

When we get a bigger place, then he can have some of the things he couldn't have in here now.

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RE: Compromise in a live in environment - 1/14/2009 2:16:14 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		I quit my job and moved 500+ miles to live with InkedMaster 6 months ago.  And yes, things changed for both of us but I wouldn't call it compromise.  Master had a very hard set routine for His day and it changed because HE doesn't have to start the coffee and wait for it to be ready in the mornings, He doesn't have to go hungry during the day and come home with a headache, He doesn't have to pay a housekeeper to vacuum and dust once a week.  He had to give up going to the grocery store and to the smokeshop to buy His cigarettes.  He had to stop washing clothes or washing dishes or making His bed.  He gave up all those things for me.  He did give up closet space when I first arrived, but we soon moved into "our" place where He still has less closet space but gained a seperate office. 

What didn't change is who we are as individuals and how we are as Master and slave.

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