Male Married Submissives (Full Version)

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DommeInNeed -> Male Married Submissives (1/1/2006 5:42:52 PM)

I am looking for some help. As I am sure many of you know men and women, go thru their whole lives not admitting and hiding from thier innermost desires. I have come to meet one of these men and to fall in love with him. He is and has been married for a long time. Of course we had not planned on falling in love, but now has come time for him to make a decision about what to do with his life. I feel badly for him having to be in this situation, there are kids involved and its complicated as I am sure you can guess.

I was just wondering if there were any good bdsm friendly counselers? perhaps some articals on the subject? How to merge the 2 lives? ANYthing I can do to help. As the one in control when we are together, this is terrible for me unable to push him in the right direction when I am not sure what it is. There are many more details but I am not going to share on a public board. All I ask is for information, thoughts, ideas and perhaps some support for myself.


I am inlove with this man like no other before him.


thank you




MistressFire70 -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/1/2006 6:15:53 PM)

Here is a listing of kink aware professionals. Just look for your state and area.

http://www.bannon.com/kap/

Fire



veronicaofML -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/1/2006 10:34:21 PM)

hmmmmmmm

most odd

none in iowa or wisconsin

i wonder why that is...

must be murphy's law?



pollux -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/1/2006 10:52:57 PM)

Now, *this* is something you don't hear about every day.



FangsNfeet -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/1/2006 11:45:46 PM)

quote:

this is terrible for me unable to push him in the right direction when I am not sure what it is.


So let me get this straight. You and a Married man have fallen in love with one another? Well you can't consider yourself the Evil Witch of the West. This is his decission to make. Even if he's submissive to you, your telling him to stay with you or go back to his family isn't your choice. Sure you can tell him one way or the other but he still makes the choice. He didn't and still does not have to obey you. The weight is not on your back.

Either choice is a sacrafice. The two of you are in a Damned if you do and Damned if you don't situation. If he stays with you, he will have a pissed off wife and possibly kids that may resent him. If he stays with his wife, then that leaves you out in the cold to finding another submissive and he decides to keep a vanilla life and tough it out listening to the lyrics "Don't you wish your girl was a freak like me?"

This type of situation happens in many lives BDSM or not. Many married people have found another partner or the one who completed there secret desires. It's not all that uncommon.

So let's look at your choices to stay with him or call your affair off. In this situation, there is no wrong or right answer. It's nice that you aren't being greedy over looking his wife and kids but then you just can't give up on him all together sacraficing your own happiness and putting him back in that vanilla relationship. We already know that he is currently unhappy with his marriage. If that's the case, then there's more than likely going to be a divorce sooner or later anyways. In my oppinion, you should just tell him to make a choice and call you back in a week with the answer.

Unfortunatly, I'm unaware of how much or how little the mans wife knows about these hidden passions and your affair. If she knows about the two of you, then there's a probable chance that she's going to leave him. If she only knows about his passions that he's been bottleing up, then there may still be a divorce if she wishes not to participate as a Domme/sadist on him. How many more secrets does he need to keep from her before the two really know each other?

It can take years to find love yet it only takes a blink of an eye to loose it. Either way, I can already tell that you don't want to be number two to this guy and that's understandable. Whatever happens happens and he's going to have to live with it.



Tristan -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/2/2006 6:17:32 AM)

As Bill Shakespear once said, "such tangled webs we weave...". The same is true when becoming involved with someone who's married with kids. Don't forget that you will eventually find another significant other. His kids do not have the option of finding other father. Only you know the entire situation so only you know what's best to untangle a complicated mess. Best of luck.

Tristan



MysticalPhoenix -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/2/2006 12:26:46 PM)

This is why when it comes to married submissives who are not involved in an openly poly relationship-and who come to me with the consent of their other partner(s), I just say no.

Not only do I have no intention of being relegated to the shadows because you can't be with a married man in public, unless you've got a very good cover story and you keep your physical distance-and pray nobody sees you and reports back to his wife. I expect my submissive partner to be part of my life, and I expect to be part of his.

Availability is also a problem-just as vanilla women find when they date married men, he's not there if you want him around-only when he wants to and can be around.

And, because I don't care to get involved in a situation where Mr. and Mrs. Vanilla and the little Vanilla's might be divorcing, angry, etc., in order for him to become Mr. BDSM. The "other woman" tends to be cast as the villain of the piece.

Finally, if someone thinks they can have their Vanilla cake and eat their BDSM-flavored cake too, I tell them they should either find a D/s partner who is also married to a Vanilla partner or locate a Pro Domme.

I feel kind of sorry for the Vanilla partners. They either don't know and are living in ignorance of what their husband/wife/S.O. is doing, or they know and are not happy about it, but consent to it to keep from getting divorced/dumped.


Phoenix



LadyCompassion -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/2/2006 4:58:58 PM)

I don't think this is right at all. A Domme should not be getting involved with a married man. He is married. If he was divorced, that would be one thing, but this is just adultry. This is disrespectful to both his wife and his children. Before you do anything, please think about the wife in this situation. She may not even have an inkling of his activities and this could completely devastate her.
Maybe you two never set out to do this, but it's done now and you two may just be ruining a woman's life. Please think about those things before decisions are made.
I don't mean to be rude or to offend, but there are lines that need to be drawn and I think this has crossed a line.



sultryvoice -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/2/2006 5:22:10 PM)

This is the very reason I don't have anything to do with anyone attached. I will not play second fiddle to anyone. You just get hurt and make life more difficult for all involed. In this case there are children. Taking a father from his children, to me, is the worst thing. We never mean for this to happen or that to happen but if you put yourself in a comprimising position, anything can happen. In this case, it did and it's not pretty. It's up to him to decide. This one place you can't make a decision. I wish you both the best in whatever decision is made..

Respectfully,
sultry



FangsNfeet -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/2/2006 9:28:10 PM)

quote:

I don't think this is right at all. A Domme should not be getting involved with a married man. He is married. If he was divorced, that would be one thing, but this is just adultry. This is disrespectful to both his wife and his children. Before you do anything, please think about the wife in this situation. She may not even have an inkling of his activities and this could completely devastate her.
Maybe you two never set out to do this, but it's done now and you two may just be ruining a woman's life. Please think about those things before decisions are made.
I don't mean to be rude or to offend, but there are lines that need to be drawn and I think this has crossed a line.


It takes two to tangle. Getting envolved with a married person isn't my cup to tea but if a married person is looking for some action somewheres else, he or she is going to find it. He's destoying his own marriage without the help of anyone. Why should a mistress feel guilty? She didn't go out looking for him, he found her. One way or another, he's going to ruin the marriage if he wants out of it.

Getting a divorce first before looking in other places would seem senseable. However, some people like the idea of assurance of not being lonely after they say goodbye to the one they're currently with. If this domme decides not to have anymore communication with this married sub, the sub will end up doing a few things.

1. Find another mistress

2. End up communicating with his wife and possibly going to therapy to keep the relationship together.

3. End up having a divorce rather he wants it or not and then end up looking for what he wants.



truesub4u -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/2/2006 10:45:58 PM)

In my younger dumber days of running around on the singles train. I prefer the company of married men over singles. At least I knew nothing more was wanted of me. It was purely a little on the side communication and sex. After all was said and done. He would go back to playing the loving, devoted husband and I the care free single.

Till the one day I ment one that after about a year of seeing each other, he informed me he wanted to leave wife and marry me. I slapped them brakes on so fast he didn't know what hit him. I knew if he cheated on her with me, I would be sitting around wondering who he was cheating on me with.

Now this was no vanilla I'm refering to either. This was a Dom. And I thought things were going great. Yes I fell in love with this man. And the fact that I was his only at this time. His wife knew not of his desires and he never told them to her as far as I know. But I reallly felt that if I was to marry him, or even be collared by him. That thing would change between us because I knew from the start that this was forbidden. I never considered myself as a home-wrecker. If things were right at home. I wouldn't be in the picture to begin with. As long as I didn't know the wife or ever met her... even on accident. Things were fine. I didn't know who I could possible hurt other than myself being involved in a relationship with a married man. If I didn't know who the wife was even just on site. (Ever notice once you know someone you don't want to know, they're everywhere all of a sudden???)


I do know that about after about a week. He informed me he was getting stationed in Okinawa Japan. First time I was ever thankful for one I knew to be getting shipped off over seas. And I made up my mind from there on, no more married men. Even after getting introduced to on line, I met a few married men that I totaly enjoy talking to. But as for real life meet.... no thank you. I learned my lesson.

Now we can't always help who we do meet. And fall in love with. And rememeber this. As stated before, It takes 2 to tango. If things were lovely at home. He wouldn't of been willing to be lured, or wouldn't of been seeking.

As for the kids, depending on their ages, they'll adapt. As long as it's not a hateful split as well. But with you being the FemDom of this all, are you prepared to be a step mom as well?

Being a single mother myself. I always had to make sure that any possible Dom seeking me out had to know and understand up front.... kids... reality... etc.... all need to be thought out and discussed in detail as much as possible. And understand new things may come up as well over the years as well. Yes there maybe som resentment early on, but in time, things work themselves out. And everyone adapts.

I wish you both the best of luck on whatever the choice is that you 2 make. This is something he's going to have to do all on his own. And it takes a special person such as yourself to not jump in and demmand that he throw all away with out thinking it all through. But as he thinks this out... i also hope you are as well. Because you both have to live with... and deal with... the final choice. No matter what it may be.


This one hopes it all works out for the best.... which ever way it may go.



BeachMystress -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/2/2006 11:16:40 PM)


I can not tell you what is best in your situation. I can only tell you how I handled the exact same thing. I had wanted a sub I could be with, yet not have lurking about on tap. A married man seemed like the perfect choice. I was taking nothing from him his wife wanted in any way.

I found a man, my beloved ex sub Puppy. It was a perfect relationship. Because of the way his job was structured, he wasn't even losing time with his wife. It seemed perfect. We'd had the talk about not falling in love, not breaking up families and all.

Yeah.. talking. That's all well and good, but when you're doing something as emotionally intense as BDSM, all the good intent in the world means nothing. We ended up in love. He has a daughter who was 13 then. He had a wife who was wonderful in every way, except her extreme lack of kink. (She once caught him with a dildo and made him go see a therapist for his un-natural desires)

This sub was fun, funny and made me neat BDSM toys. He seemed like the perfect foil for me. But all I could think of was his daughter.. How could I place my happiness over a child who was beyond innocent in all of this. I couldn't. I could not be the reason some woman looked back on her teenage years as the worst time in her life. Perhaps if his wife had been a harpy and I knew he'd never be happy at home, I'd have felt differently. However, my sub would be happy enough with his family.

I started cooling things down. I took it slowly over a period of several months, so that he could adjust to the new way things were going to be. I took on a second sub and found myself very infatuated with the second sub. By this time, the first sub was to the point that while he loved me still, he was no longer "in love" with me, and I no longer "in love" with him.

I love him dearly to this day. I suspect I always will. I learned allot about myself during my journey with him. He still loves me back and makes me toys. Right now he's making me a glitter paddle and another metal core cane. His daughter is almost 17. She's a beautiful young woman who still wins ribbons at the local horse shows and is happily preparing for college. She wants to go into politics, and from knowing her father, she'll be good at it! I shudder to think what shape she'd be in if I'd have actually gone ahead and splintered her family.

As for giving up the man I loved? I now am married to the most perfect man in the world for me. Beach's toyboy I can't believe I ever settled for less than what I have now.

Please, also keep in mind, that a man who leaves another woman for you is more likely to, down the road, leave you for another woman. I understand you're madly in love. But do keep your head on your shoulders and consider all parties, even the children. You have my best wishes and my heart breaks for you. No matter what you do, it's going to be a hard road. Good Luck!



jamesthehumanrug -> RE: Male Married Submissives (1/2/2006 11:37:31 PM)

domme in
greetings
i am so sorry to say i am ashamed that no
there isnt anything in traditional medicine and counseling that is adept at counseling s and m as a healthy relationship and that is how it should be i can only recommend you write to the apa in you county
the american psychological and americal psychiatric association and ask for information on specialty relationship counselors in the areas of fetish or sado-masochism for straight family couple
look coupled and family and be general
or buy a $50 dollar hollywood yellow pages telephone book from your local-phone company and call away...thats the only place in the world that claims they have counselors for "artists" etc.
ie:
if anyone around the allied health profession took a look at, or talked to a guitarists ;they would call them nuts ,cause guitarists sound crazy ,when they talk(their own vocabulary, aka "verbal-community")and dont artists deserve special consideration as well as those adults who prefer s and m full time as their lifestyle preference?....think a sucessful guitarists lives another lifestyle ??not in your life,so unless we all go vanilla
it certainly is a good idea for someone with a masters to open up shop and run the monoploy
for the stupids to critisize
and sitback and watch the fortune come rolling in....
20 clients or hours per week is part time
and 40 full
depending on what you charge
youre set...
besides book leraning by someone who had s and m in mind as their own lifestyle ;theres nothing like experience and an open minded up bringing; to qualify the next big thing on the block ;as far as counselors go...but ;no-
i'm sorry ,to say;
nada
(nothing);
it's a g.,d.shame



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