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Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 2:46:31 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		My turn for someone to pass the cheese.... because I've got to rant and whine for a moment before I explode and become a ravening madwoman.....
 
So I was sitting working earlier this morning on various inventory tasks and such.... trying to at least pretend I was being productive.... and into my office toddles my father.  (You know the one ... stroke, brain damaged, that I was stupid enough to move back in with me from the nursing home a few weeks ago.)  Down he plops himself into the spare chair in my office, and orders me (not asks - Orders) to stop whatever it is I'm working on, that he has decided it's time for me to do the typing for him while he works on writting his "personal history."  Apparantly he's decided that the drek, drivel, minute`, and trivia of a completely uneventful life in absolute and utter obscurity will somehow be "fascinating to the masses" if published as a biography.  99% of it is stuff that even HE doesn't give a flying flip about - much less anyone ELSE on the planet caring anything about it.  75% of it has been him simply repeating - again and again - the same things that he's already said and insisted that I include in the "ongoing file to be turned into chapters for a book" that he considers this "biography effort."
 
I looked at him, when he issued the order, and informed him (politely, mind you) that he needed to rethink what he was saying - I'm not his secretary, nor his servant, and I do not take Orders from Anyone - besides which, I was Busy with Business, and that takes Priority over trivia.  He ignored me, and started to drone.  And kept droning... on, and on, and on, and on... about things he's said 11 times in the past several days since he decided that His Personal History was somehow IMPORTANT - to the entire world - and Much More Important than ANYTHING else I could Possibly be doing with my time.  So I closed down the portion of my brain that actually allows my ears to function (a trick learned as a parent, which is coming in increasingly handy once again) and kept working on work until I was actually Finished with what I had started.  And he was still droning.  I got up, informed him that I was going to the bathroom, and left the room - and he kept droning, expecting me to hear his rather quavery and weak voice from the other room, through a closed door.  I got back, thinking to check my email to see whether something in particular had been responded to - and he was still droning.  Four Seperate Times he got up stating that he was going to the bathroom - and then to take a nap - and he continued to drone while HE was in taking care of "business" - only to return when finished, declaring that he'd changed his mind about taking a nap, and I was to get back to work typing His Personal History For Posterity Because It Was More Important Than What I Was Doing.
 
He's been droning for the past Four Hours while I worked on other things, cleaned house, dealt with phonecalls (all while he never quit talking other than long enough to draw breath).  Finally, a few minutes ago, he once Again said he was going to go take a nap.  Now I get to wait and see whether he shows back up here in my office in 10 minutes to start droning at me again, or if he'll actually go pass out for a while, just so I can get a bit of PEACE.......
 
Yeah, I know, I should probably be taking 'every opportunity to enjoy quality time' with him, and 'thankful that he still has enough of his brain left TO remember anything from his past."  All I've been able to think today, though, is how Appealing the idea of Duct Taping His Mouth Shut is becoming.  And, of course, to ask myself internally about a dozen times, "What the hell were you smoking when you made that decision, you moron?"

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 3:14:47 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		Get a tape recorder - tell him you'll type it up later when you have time. Might well be some gems in there.

E

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 3:21:45 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		Personal recording device might be a good idea, you would only have to show him how to use it properly, enough tapes or a single sim card and let him go to it.

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 3:42:19 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		Yea, what they said.

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 4:03:20 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		E, As, and Boi - I hear ya.  And I did consider it.  Then reconsidered it, when I realized that I'd had to show him how to use his cell phone (a device he'd had Prior to the stroke) so many times I lost count of how many - sometimes more than once in a single day.  He was a computer programer - not much of a typist, mind you, but a top notch programmer - who had Forgotten more about computers than I've probably learned - and yet when he sits down in my office to try and type for himself, he can't remember how to turn it ON, or how to use the mouse, or even how to open the file.  Half the time, he can't remember the name Of the file!
 
I got a total of 20 minutes of peace before he came Back in, declaring that he was bored, and started droning again - until I cut him off and told him, "You've been at it almost all day, dad, and I'm tired of typing.  Give it a break for now."  It still took him 15 minutes to stop talking before he realized that I literally was not typing anything, at which point he demanded his night meds and said he was going to bed.  I've gotten 15 minutes since then of peace again, and I'm waiting to see whether the combination of anti-anxiety med, anti-paranoia med, and anti-stress med (all of which are supposed to make him drowsy) actually afford me a Prolonged period of not having him underfoot for a few minutes.
 
I shouldn't bitch.  I Know I shouldn't bitch.  I Know that bitching does not one iota of good.  I've discovered, however, that if I Don't bitch - I'll go not so quietly insane instead, and probably go completely postal on him.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 4:33:27 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		There is one that is voice activated. He only has to start talking for it to start recording.

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 4:52:23 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Set up a movie camera and record him..he can drone on for hours with just a few interruptions for you to change the disks. While right now these memories hold little relevance in your life..the living recording may eventually be a touchstone of memory not only for you and your UM's but perhaps even your grandums. Edit where you need to, but, what he has to recount is not just a history of his life, but of yours, the families and the times.

only a suggestion

poenkitten

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 5:19:40 PM   
UncleNasty


Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline 		You'd better bitch. Denying it, or not venting at all, will only lead to hemmoroids.

As for him telling his story, it is probably an exercise he needs to go through before he dies. A reliving. A review.

Uncle Nasty

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 5:27:14 PM   
ArizonaProDomme


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline 		Thats exactly what it is...a reliving prior.....

OP-You should bitch and while he is droning you should start your own blog about it.....I know you are pulling your hair out but hearing you describe it was freaking hilarious just the sort of thing everyday people enjoy reading in a blog.....well I do anyway!!!

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 5:32:03 PM   
corysub


Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Yea girl..THEY do shut up....and close their eyes, and give one last breath.  Unless he hurt you badly physically, abandoned you and your mom, was truly a terrible dad and gave you a reason to be so angry at him taking your precious time, so self-possessed....take some of the advice given by some here with possibly a recording device.  If he's not lucid it can always be erased.  If, however, there are family history comments, stories about relatives, you might treasure these reflections of an old man...if not you, maybe the next generation growing up without him.  It's your dad...do what you want ...but I lost mine about ten years ago and would give anything to be "bothered" by him just one more time.

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 5:41:58 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		It's ok, sometimes you have to bitch.

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 5:46:33 PM   
bluepanda


Posts: 328
Joined: 12/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackPhx

Set up a movie camera and record him..he can drone on for hours with just a few interruptions for you to change the disks. While right now these memories hold little relevance in your life..the living recording may eventually be a touchstone of memory not only for you and your UM's but perhaps even your grandums. Edit where you need to, but, what he has to recount is not just a history of his life, but of yours, the families and the times.

only a suggestion



But an excellent one. My dad died a few months ago. I'd give quite a bit of everything I own for a chance to hear just one more story about who he was when he was a young man. Everything that he never got around to telling me, I'll never know, because it died with him.



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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 5:48:44 PM   
bluepanda


Posts: 328
Joined: 12/12/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UncleNasty

You'd better bitch. Denying it, or not venting at all, will only lead to hemmoroids.

As for him telling his story, it is probably an exercise he needs to go through before he dies. A reliving. A review.

Uncle Nasty


Yeah, my thought was that he may be looking for some sort of validation, something to comfort him - something to make him feel his life was important, and that some of the things he did will live on after he's gone.


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In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 6:18:33 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I dn't mean to sound insensitve, I really don't, but I would give anything to hear my father's voice again.  I know you are frustrated now, I think a video camera recording your father will solve your current annoyance and be something you and your family can cherish later.  Just remember, nothing will replace the hands on, tactile memories of actually sitting with your father, your hand in his, and hearing the tale he shares with you.   (HUGS)  You obviously care deeply for your father, to bring him into your home after his stroke, don't be too hard on yourself for being stressed out and frustrated. 

WinD

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 6:26:37 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		No..when they get old they don't shut up. He is probably lonely, frightened any number of other feelings that now due to the stroke he can't state. Like the others get a recorder, voice activated and let him talk on and on. Does he have other family, friends still around? My parents haven't suffered strokes but they are both in their 80's, and while I don't currently live with them that may change in 2009. They can drive one crazy but all you can do is learn to laugh and rant when you need to. Is there nursing help that can come in and listen to him and write what he is saying? 

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 6:35:09 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		I know they can drive you insane, but when the time comes you will know you did all that you could, and it will help.  That's what gets me through my parents tirades.

Make sure you take care of yourself...get out, go work out, do something for you so you don't go insane yourself.

Happy Holidays, and good luck

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 6:49:45 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		Your Dad is on hospice, correct ? Why don't you speak to your Nurse Case Manager and ask to have a volunteer for Dad. Volunteers can't do any hands on, but he or she could take over the Memoirs for you, and give you a big break.

Talk to Dad and explain to him that you understand how important it is for him to work on this project and that you really want to help, but that you can't do it all alone, due to work schedule < or whatever excuse you want to use >. Explain that a hospice volunteer will be coming X amount of times a week/ month and that said volunteer is going to do the leg work for you, by tape recording the memoirs with Dad. Tell Dad that this way his memoirs can be written at anytime and that you will do it little by little after he is finished completing his taped version. I suspect with his residual brain damage from the stroke this will take him quite a while to complete and he will repeat the same story many times because he will have forgotten what he said the last time. Which is good for you, since it will keep him busy. You will have to re enforce this daily for a while, I am sure.

You will probably have to set limits with him. Such as when he comes into your office to dictate to you, remind him that the volunteer comes on such and such a day and that is the time for memoirs, not now. Tell him to go jot down a few notes, so as not to forget when the volunteer comes.

It really sounds like he is bored and just looking to be useful. He probably attended some activities at the nursing home and yakked to a few of the old guys or ladies and felt busy. Now he is home alone with you and doesn't know what to do.
Can you give him simple tasks to do ?  He most likely just wants to feel useful.

                                       mbmbn

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 6:58:19 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		The video recorder might actually work.  Set it on automatic, let him talk to it, change out the tape/disc as needed, and still actually be able to get something done without him following me around from office to workshop to office demanding that I do Nothing but Typing for him!
 
Sue, unfortunately all of his "friends" with very little exception seemed to dissipate with the wind when the stroke happened.  A couple of them still call every now and then, but after 2 years, it's literally down to a couple of them and that only every couple of months.  As for other family...... no.  I don't count my idiot brother for a Lot of reasons, not the least of which is that he did the same thing with dad that he did when our grandmother was finally broke - quit calling, quit visiting, quit bothering to even acknowledge that the person is still alive, since they can't continue to give him money to fund his drug habit.  He was an only child himself, his only Blood spawn (my younger halfsister) died several years ago, his father is dead and his 90 yr old mother is in a nursing home in Dallas with such severe Alzheimer's that she hasn't known who any of us were for a decade.  He's still got a couple of cousins floating around somewhere, and every few months I'll get a call from one or the other of them to see whether he's still alive, but that's all I hear from them.  It's pretty much down to me and my spawn - and since my spawn haven't been part of Either of our lives since a few years Prior to the stroke - that leaves.... Me.
 
No doubt in a few months - when this is over, and he's actually Gone - I'll think back and kick myself (a Lot) for every instant of resentment, frustration, anger, apathy, etc., that I'm currently feeling.  I'll miss him, like I spent a couple of years seriously missing mom when she died - she was my best friend as well as my mother.  Right now - it frequently feels like this is a life sentence - for the duration of MY life, rather than his.

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Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 7:12:55 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*hugs Rhi*

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RE: Do they Never shut up? - 12/23/2008 11:15:36 PM   
fungasm


Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline 		I understand. Believe me, I understand.  My mother is currently in a locked ward with Altzheimer's and it sucks. The last visit I wrote my name on the visitor's tag.... "Alison" she read and looked at me and for a second, I thought she knew who I was.  But no. 

If your father is telling stories, consider the recording... but if it's the droning of a human being who can't stand to be without noise, consider putting on familiar music.  (Things he liked when he was younger.  Go back to the stuff he liked when you were little.) You may alway want to make "work" for him that he enjoys.  If he likes pushing paper, involve him in filing. If he likes building things, consider getting some light items from Ikea for him to construct.  Being busy helps. Perhaps you can put on movies he loved when you were younger.  

No one ever told us that our parents would become like our children, and that we would find ourselves distracting them with things like Happy Meals.

You have my empathy.

Alison


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