RE: Do they Never shut up?

RE: Do they Never shut up? (Full Version)

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atursvcMaam -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 12:48:49 AM)
Peace and comfort, Recording would be wonderful, there may be a time where the silence is more of an annoyance than the drone. life is weird that way. Rant on, it keeps the devils away. Not to be too sappy, he is probably the first guy that ever held your hand.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 6:35:45 AM)
Heh - not the first to hold my hand (that woulda been my maternal grandfather, whom we lived with prior to Mom and Dad getting married and him adopting my brother and I) - but I Am technically the one "responcible" for the two of them getting married! The two of them had known each other for a year, and had been dating seriously for 6 months. He was already to the point of treating my idiot brother and I as though we were his own children - and had pretty much done that from day one. (He was one of those who took "love me, love my kids" as a given and had no problems with actually Doing So!) After about 6 months of doing things together Frequently - yes, my brother and I included - that ranged from Movie Nights (to see Disney movies no less) to going out to the lake for him to take us on a rented sail boat so we could go on a boat ride for the first time in our lives, to frequent trips to the park on weekends and such - I got impatient. I was seven years old at the time. So one night, he shows up over at the house to pick up mom - for one of their increasingly rare evenings out Without my brother and I. And as he sits there on the couch waiting for mom to finish getting ready, I crawled up in his lap where he sat - very serious faced, according to what he, mom, and my grandparents all told me - and I asked him in a rather demanding tone, "So when are you going to quit stalling and become my REAL Daddy rather than just pretending?" All of the adults absolutely lost it, doubling over with giggling fits. What none of them other than Dad knew at the time was that he had a Ring in his pocket that he was planning on presenting to Mom that night while they were out to dinner! Heck, I didn't know EITHER - I simply anticipated the event. In true style, though, dad recovered from his laughter first.... set me aside to sit on the couch... got down on one knee in front of mom... and answer My question by reaching into his pocket to pull out the ring he'd been planning on Anyway, and telling me, "That depends on your mother, and whether she's Willing to let me become your Real Daddy, rather than just pretending sometimes." They got married 4 months later, in a small cerimony with my brother as his best man, and me as mom's maid of honor, held in the church my grandparents went to. That was on June 1st of 1974. 13 days before my 8th birthday. They had already filed the adoption paperwork with the court, explaining to the judge that they were getting married and he wanted to adopt my brother and I at that point. The adoption papers were signed by the judge and became final on the day after their wedding. So last night, when he woke me up at 230 in the morning, demanding that I do some more typing for him - because he was bored and couldn't sleep - the fact that the family joke for years was that I proposed to him, rather than him proposing to mom, ran through my head. Why? Because I was kicking myself for precipitating getting woken up out of a sound sleep for that particular reason! I ended up Ordering HIM back to bed with a snarl, marching past him and turning the computer completely OFF (it rarely gets shut completely down lol), and telling him that I was going back to bed so he was going to have to fend for himself - and that I would be Really Pissed if I suddenly heard the TV come on instead of hearing the thump of his cane as he headed back to bed himself. Needless to say, he did NOT get back out of bed again, and as I suspected from his late night wandering - is sound asleep this morning!

mistoferin -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 6:46:49 AM)
It is difficult to be a caretaker...I know, I'm doing it myself right now. When my mother starts to tell me the same thing that she told me 6 times already it sometimes feels like I will lose my mind. I start bitching too...and then I look at her and try to imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes....and it stops me in my tracks.

Lockit -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 7:22:21 AM)
A friend of mine is caregiver to a very elderly man and the system they have is that the main caregiver will often stay at the house but someone comes in and watches over the man while they hibernate in other rooms. They can get out or away too, but this way someone is able to meet his needs and side track him. If they are there, the person can be less trained or experienced because if anything comes up, they are right there to ask. I don't know why it is, but I have known a lot of people that face this time in life and they all seemed to want to record some sort of history whether it was about their life or receipes. Grandma used to make the biggest messes! lol What helped with her and most that I know that needed care was other people coming in and giving breaks even if someone didn't get out. This need to record things may be some way of validation that their life meant something. I don't know, as I am just guessing and trying to understand it myself. I find myself wanting to create something... worthy... big... before my end. So in a sense I can relate and might figure it out one day. You know, you have shared some wonderful things about your relationship with your dad. Have you ever thought to maybe write some of it down and give it to him to read at times when you might want to distract him. You would both then have something to combat those moments when you are ready to claw the walls and scream. That guilt of a caregiver can be murder. But maybe, if you have something written down that talks of both your history and he has a lil book he is to go read in a nice setting will become a habit you could use. Of course it could make things worse, but I have found with mine... you try things a couple of times and see what happens. I just spent like five hundred dollars getting phones so my son (adult) could text and communicate with us. He did it with my daughter's phone and we thought it would work. Nope... but he will use the little magnet letters on the fridge I bought for the um's! Do vent... it is better to get it out with someone else than to let it build up and explode on the person you are caring for. We all do it! You are not alone. I have caught myself getting impatient with my son, mostly when we have a situation where I must have him talk or something dangerous or needing something done 'right now!' and he doesn't respond normally. I know he can't... but in that moment... I can't. We are human. I once made my son cry because he knew I was mad at him and I vented. I was under a lot of pressure... bills, no help, no hot water... everything breaking and up in the air and I lost it and yelled... not really even at him... just yelled. After a year of caring for him like this... I lost it. I felt like hell. We are human... and while they need love and grace... so do we. Give yourself a break! (gentle smile)

CatdeMedici -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 7:48:17 AM)
Four hours? and he spent how long raising you? some of us would love to have our parents back in any state.

Owner59 -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 8:56:44 AM)
Yes,eventually we all will. No one dictates anymore.Every writer I know records there own stuff to type later or have their assistant type it.A student will do it for so much a word/letter. You typing while he jabbers won`t work.It`s not natural after a few paragraphs. You can get him head set or lavaliere so he can just sit relax and reminisce.Let him tell you his stories while the recorder is on.Web cam? Hopefully he doesn`t expect you to write masterpiece.My dad`s memoirs weren`t that enthralling and were only interesting to my family.I think a lot of men go through this stage w/ differing results. I truly hope that when I`m old and retched that I`m not to much of a burden on my caregivers.I pray that my caregivers are good and well,caring.I pray that I don`t suffer for long. I`m planing to move near my aging folks to be there for them and may one day move them(or one of them) in with me if it comes to that. You took on a big weight by bringing him home.Bless you.Really,you`re an angle for that.You did it for good reasons.You know that,we do too.The alternative was worse.Try to keep that in mind during the hard days. And vent here (and elsewhere)when you need to.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 10:08:05 AM)
I shouldn't bitch. I Know I shouldn't bitch. I Know that bitching does not one iota of good. I've discovered, however, that if I Don't bitch - I'll go not so quietly insane instead, and probably go completely postal on him. [/quote] Of course you should bitch - and bitch as often as you need or want. Venting takes the pressure off, and stops you from exploding - a good thing. Bitching doesn't mean you don't love him - it just means that at this moment he is driving you NUTS!!!!! and its a temporary condition. after all you are just human. I love fungasms suggestions. They sound very workable, and may help. One thing my shrink suggested was buying a swim noddle, and beating the hell out of the bed or a wall when really frustrated, stressed , angry or any other negative emotion. Something about making the emotion physical helps to relieve it.

pahunkboy -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 11:11:30 AM)
OP, you need a break. Take a day off somehow. I had some very not nice thoughts when my dad went thru it. Ya know, I have pictures up of everyone. But I dont really look at them. I stared the other day. I hardly know the man who is now gone 24 years. Find someone to sit in for even an hour. Maybe a volunteer from the college or church. WHen my gram goes off on a tangent, I agree with her, when I dont know what to say "i really love you." My dad had a come back. I wont say what it was...my family knows the words, But I wont tell any one else, That is uniquely his to tell me. No one else. Only him. SO when the world gets to me, his voice goes in my head, that one line.... and I smile. Big hugs and I hope things get better for you.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 2:32:50 PM)
I have a home health helper that comes in a couple of times a week - today was one of those days that she was here - and we had a talk about Revising The Schedule for when she's over here. She feels like she's not doing nearly enough to be making the money she's making - and I need more Consistant time off/time that I don't have to be the one to go running when he yells, whines, or wants something. Since I'm paying her a straight salary every week, regardless of whether she's here for 6 hours or 60, we've agreed that starting on the 1st with the new year she's gonna be over here for a minimum of 6 hours a day every other day, or 3 hours a day every day, Monday thru Friday - we're gonna talk a bit more about it after this extended holiday weekend is over to decide on which exactly it's gonna be. It's a bit tricky, because other than working here as a home health aid, she's out of work - and so is her other half. But - they only have one car between them, and he's a bit.....ehem... Flakey, to say the least..... about dropping her off and picking her back up. Until she's got access to a different vehical (which they can't afford, and I neither can I) - we've got to take His schedule into consideration as much as we do mine, since he's her transportation - and as far as he's concerned, his schedule of hanging around with his buddies who are also out of work is apparantly more important than her getting over here when I need her, so that she can get Paid. What we're probably going to have to do is lie to her other half, and tell him that she's being moved from a weekly salary to an hourly rate - which means, of course, that if she's not here, she's not making any money - just to see if that will Motivate him a bit to quit bitching every time she's supposed to come sit with dad. As it is, we're either going to have to find a way for her to be here more consistantly, or I'm going to have to tell the both of them that she's being laid off - and then go back to using one of the agencies rather than hiring privately. With as inconsistantly as he's been willing to get her over here so she Can stay with dad while I get out for a bit, it'd be just as cheap at this point to call one of the agencies and simply pay them - despite the higher hourly rate, and minimum number of hours at a time that they're willing to send someone at all. If we can figure out a means to keep her other half shut up about dropping her off and picking her up, then I can start using my gym membership again as a destresser. I wasn't going consistantly prior to bringing dad home, but the longer he's back, the more appealing that time Away from the house - even doing something like working out at the gym - is looking to me. And at least it would also help me start getting in better shape while I was at it! On the up side, as of the beginning of January, I'll start getting "Respite Vouchers" twice a month from one of the state agencies - basically, they're vouchers for the state to pay for him to either have an in home professional caregiver for a weekend, or to go to a nursing home for a weekend - for the Entire weekend, from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon. Those will definately make things easier once my show season starts, and I have to start traveling weekends for craft shows and renfairs for the business. In the meantime, I've been reminding myself today while I was out running errands, and my helper was here with dad, that right now I'm stressed out over finances, which have been extraordinarily tight this month - and will be until his pension starts coming in a couple more weeks. If I can keep it together until that actually starts showing up, things will get a LOT easier. The financial crises for the household will be over, the stress level will drop appreciably, and maybe I'll quit feeling like a heel every couple of days when I get frustrated with him.

NefertariReborn -> RE: Do they Never shut up? (12/24/2008 5:31:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici Four hours? and he spent how long raising you? some of us would love to have our parents back in any state. I couldn't agree with you more. I could never repay them. Both parents and all grandparents are gone. In any state...In any state even if for only an hour just one more hour.

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