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Maya2001 -> RE: Coming around again. (12/19/2008 2:19:23 PM)
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It may not be confusion as much as fear of things not working out..so you do not let anyone in close enough if they try to push it into commitment you will find a way to screw it up or you choose partners who you do not have to commit to a 100% eg married men or those who seeking primarily a play partner as they are safe they will never force a total commitment from you.
I have become an expert at I was hurt very much in the past ..and it affect my ability to trust..when I am with someone I allow a lot of negative thoughts come into head, I go into relationships not wanting to allow myself to get too emotionally involving believing they will more than likely let me down. or are not sincere in what they say, other issue for me is I walked out of one relationship with nothing more than I could carry in my arms, another relationship I bought the ex out but in the process put myself through a few years a real financial hardship. I have finally got to the point I was no longer struggling, I have managed to achieve quite a bit on my own and I am proud of the fact I managed to buy and furnish my own home, that I started a business in the downstairs, that I have a couple vehicles in the driveway...and it pleases me to see how far I have came on my own merit and hard work... part my fears comes from giving the things I have achieved up as well as possibly me job ... and recently a Dom called me on it.. and in his own way being brutally honest with me..and asked my if I would rather be alone..or am I ready to make a commitment....because I also have lung cancer and the 5 year or greater survival rate is only 16% ..he warned me ...that he may very be my last shot at a D/s relationship...he is willing to accepted me as is, he is willing to spoil me in exchange for my services, and take of me if things get worse later, and accepts that I may have limits on the type of play I can handle since what want mostly for me will be sexual service he will get a housekeeper/cook to do the domestic service, he wants not only the D/s relationship but he wants me to be his wife as well..but he does not want me judging him by the actions of others and he does not want me to continue playing cat and mouse because I am afraid of commitment..he is not expecting me to make the 100% commitment in one shot but he want to know I am willing to forward rather than 3 steps forward and then retreat 2 pr 3 steps back ..he does not want to feel he has to drag me or coax me along the whole way if that is the way it is too continue than he will walk ..it is my choice
.. he knows that I am ill and will have a long recovery and that it is too early for us to live together for my recovery and since my parents are likely going to be caring for me in their home a month or 2 so that I will need to introduce him to the family before the surgery..since he wants to feel comfortable visiting me at the hospital or at my parents home. he also laid out a rough timetable of how he would the relationship to proceed over the next year with the goal being to be married and living together by the end.
Has my doubts and anxieties disappeared??? no ..they are still there but not as intense especially after he laid out the goals and expectations and we talk about .. and I do acknowledge he is right and accept it will be up to me to push myself beyond me own fears and I am learning to catch myself as i feel myself trying to pull away ..he has no problems hearing out my concerns and he accepts with all my health issues that I will have extra worries and fears and that I need someone to talk to and even cry with and is willing to make the time for me when I need to talk.
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