submissive left out of :-( (Full Version)

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dazzled2me -> submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 7:23:34 PM)

greetings collarme,i have a question if A/anyone would like to answer or help me with.i am married to my Master,best friend and lover.sounds strange hearing this,but i have a delemma.and it is that Master would like to be a swinger.now when we met,both of U/us wanted a D/s realationship and to be married.thre were a few short weeks Master had drinking problems and was not sure he wanted to proceed in our relationship as he said he wanted to have more then one female.we talked about this for some mths before he told me that he now has his mind made up and wants only me as his submissive.we then got married.4 yrs into our marriage,he goes behind my back and starts flirting with other subs and asking questions to me that i didnt understand,such as,what do you think of you and i swapping only on the net in chat rooms,like Master would have some control over another sub and her Master had some control over me...........well i never had this before and didnt know what to say,,,so i said ok,,,,,,but to my surprise the other D/s couple wanted to have a meeting unknown to me.when i found out i felt betrayed and it was ended with the other couple.Master said He wouldnt do it again to me without me knowing 100% what i was getting into. well a few very short weeks later,Master brought up the subject of why not have an online sub for him and maybe if we met that she could get together with me also,but Master knows i am straight and always knew this.....once again i was tossed aback by all this.all Master did was try to conmvince me it would be awsome if i was bi.this ended also after weeks..........then Master once again found himself a female dispartly wanting to become a submissive and start into the lifstyle...she was weak and much to eager...Master saw the easy way in to get him a gal to strip for him...and low and behold she did,when i asked him what he was doing he said so excited,i found one to show me boobies!.i laughed as i usually do cuz Master loves to collect boobie pics and thought that was all he was doing.well i asked who it was and when he told me,i asked if it was the same one who was looking for a teacher/mentor/protecter,,Master said yes she is the one.....i flipped at the thought Master would take advantage of her in her delicate state.Master was very proud he found a trophy to give him a free show. so through all these in and out ideas of Master wanting more is always one sided.....and it is getting hard to trust Master more and more because he will not tell me what he is up to,,he just goes ahead and does what he wants and if i find out,he'll explain later or deny it. is this right of Master to keep doing this to me? i am Masters submissive,not Masters slave,i believe i deserve more explanations as to why Master continues to do this and he tells me that its ok,he wont do it again and he loves only me and now wants only one and it is me.....so is there a limit on how many oopsies Master is allowed? yes Master and i have a good sexual lifestyle if i may say...i worship the ground Master walks on and would go to the ends of the earth for Master .. we both have gotten very ill over the last 6 yrs and Master underwent several major operations and i myself need oxygen and required to be hospitalized every couple mths and the illness list goes on for us both. yes i lost what slf esteem i had due to gaining weight from being on steroids for 7 years and still taking them.we both gained weight.Master says my weight gain has no effect on the love he has for me,and heaven knows i would love Master no matter what he looked like as his heart and soul are so awsome....A/anyone want to take a stab at this one,please do...
i cry myself to sleep many nights in wonderment.please help me.
thank you kindly,peace love and serenity
dazzled2me



slavejali -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 7:32:32 PM)

I guess I see internet interaction akin to watching a porn, no harm in it as long as everything is on the up and up with everyone concerned.

The lying and stuff, I dunno how I'd deal with that so cant be any help there.



OsideGirl -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 7:33:06 PM)

Okay, but he keeps doing it again and again and again. He's lying to you.

You need to figure out if you're able to accept your relationship operating this way and what you're going to do if you're not able to accept it. Then you need to sit down and have a long talk. Be firm about how you feel.

Other than that, a group of strangers on the internet can't tell you what the next step is.



DesFIP -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 7:34:56 PM)

Marriage counseling. He knows you aren't bisexual or poly yet he tries to convince you to change.

Me being rather snarky I'd be more likely to insist that he allows some guy to use him sexually first and then I might consider it. For me, this would show that he wasn't devoted to the relationship because he was doing things that made me distrust and dislike him.

But it's up to you to decide where you can and can't draw the line.

Considering your health needs, both of your ill health, I am curious about how active a sex life you have. Simply because if you aren't having sex, can't have it, then it is understandable that he has seized upon cyber sex as a means of fulfilling his sexual needs. If this is the case, can't the two of you cyber with each other?



Lashra -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 7:40:07 PM)

It seems he agreed to one thing before you got married and now he wants to change the rules. He is also lying to you and I can imagine that has shaken your trust in him. I guess you have to ask yourself do you want to live with a man who does these things to you, knowing he is breaking his word and putting your well being at risk? If the answer is no, it maybe time to reconsider this relationship.

Good luck,
~Lashra



KatyLied -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 7:44:58 PM)

quote:

is this right of Master to keep doing this to me?


It may be way too late in the game to share this advice, but you control the level of respect that people have for you.  You teach them this by showing them the consequences of their behavior, especially behavior that is pleasing and displeasing to you.  As far as: 
quote:

is there a limit on how many oopsies Master is allowed

Yes, you get to decide this.  You also have to be prepared for the consequences of your decisions.



Lockit -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 7:46:20 PM)

He sounds compulsive.  He knows it hurts you and continues to do it.  Your health surely can't be stablized under so much drama.  You need to decide what is best for you; we can only give our opinions based on what you have said.  Consider all the facts in a less emotional state.  You can try counseling, but if he isn't going to be honest it wouldn't help him or the two of you... BUT it could help you.  Get strong within yourself.  Being ill you have many things to consider besides what is going on.  Like what you would do if you couldn't handle this any longer.  You must do something if you are spending so much time crying and upset.  Is he worth getting sicker over?



dazzled2me -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 7:51:10 PM)

thank you OsideGirl and slavejoli,we both set and talk about this issue tons of times,but it ends up in my lap,and its always my fault im told.i dont like the lyen part either,as there are other times i was lied to as well..i know strangers cannot tell me what to do,but any advise i can get,,i perhaps can put them all  together and come up with a solution of sorts that may help me a bit.i am the only one who can make my mind up,this is understandable..so i welcome new friends for advice,harsch or kind......i can put them all together in my bucket of hope and give thought to them all.this i find hope in.and i do thank veryone who wants to jump in.to me i may be blinded by my strong love for Master....and think someday Master will return the unconditional love..perhaps im a dreamer who doesnot want to let go?   its very hard as many probably already know when u love someone so deeply,its so easy to kinda put the oopsies on the side..call me blind to love,but still lov hearen as many thoughts as possible  yes Master does enjoy d/l'en porn and i have no problems with this,,Master also has a subscriptionj for some downloadable porn mags and i have no [problems with this either as i was the one who set it all up for him,lol and i need to remind Master to make sure he d/l's that mths issue.so i dont have a problem with Master collecting movies/pics porn from the net.but when it becomes people we both know,and im the last to find out,thats when i get upset
once again thx tons for the words of wisdom and please feel free to let more
peace and serenity
dazzled2me



yourMissTress -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 7:52:55 PM)

This is one side of the story.  Here is my answer for that side. 
 
If you are unhappy, do something to change it. 
 
Looking for answers or solutions for your personal life from strangers on the internet isn't really a good idea.



CalifChick -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 8:00:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dazzled2me
its always my fault im told.


One sign of emotional abuse.

quote:

i dont like the lyen part either


Another sign of emotional abuse.  Do you think one day he will just stop lying? How many more years can you live with his lies?

quote:

think someday Master will return the unconditional love


It hasn't happened in the years you've been married... do you think that one day he will just have an epiphany and stop lying, so blaming, become a stand-up good guy and be everything you want? 

My words may be a bit harsh and a bit direct.  In my experience (recent divorce)... this sort of person is not likely to change.  You just have to ask yourself how long you're willing to put up with it.


Cali





OsideGirl -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 8:12:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dazzled2me
and its always my fault
It can't possibly be your fault that he's lying. Did you hold a gun against his head and force him to lie? He's an adult. He made the decision and isn't owning the fact that he decided to lie to you. On some level you keep allowing him to lie to you because he's gotten away with it every time. You catch him, he finally admits it, promises not to do it again and then the cycle repeats.

When I said sit down and talk, I meant more than sharing blame. You need to be clear with him what you consider acceptable behavior within your relationship. Just because you're on the "s" side doesn't mean that you have to accept lying and cheating. (And personally, I wouldn't)



dazzled2me -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 8:18:26 PM)

thank you thank you A/all!.i love the responces im getting,harsch or not,i need it all as said before.
DesFip,you are correct,our sex life is not the same,but we do have playtimes just not as full into it like before,but Master and i do sadify each other......and you are right on the button regarding both of us doing nt play,but Master says its boreing of sorts.....id love to roll play and pretend i am just meeting Master and get into it,i even asked him i would love Mastr to dress in his Army greens and come on to me,lol.......but that never happens either,so im open to all kinds of playtime at home or a sneak attack on the net.thank you for being so careing.id like to reply to veryone here,and i will..i feel better just knowing there are folks out thre at least sending me their perspective on this issue even though its only one sided.but im willing to take the harsch with the tnder opinons
you are a great bunch of people here even though i just joined.
Bless you A/all!
dazzled2me



dreamerdreaming -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 8:49:49 PM)

Without trust, love will eventually wither and die.

Your "Master" continually proves himself unworthy of your trust, by deceiving you.

Since you have been putting up with his deceit, he has had no reason to stop. Now that this pattern has been established, he will continue it with the expectation of the same result. He is wasting your love.

You must be the one to break this pattern of deceit. You cannot change him, therefore you must change yourself. Pull some self-esteem from somewhere before it is too late, and  stop accepting such bad treatment.
 
I don't mean to be harsh but you must know by now that there is nothing left to save, of this relationship. Stop letting him waste your love, and your time. Love is in the doing. By his actions, he does not demonstrate love or respect for you. You deserve more. He is a stone around your neck. Cut him loose. Life is too short.



slavegirljoy -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/10/2008 9:06:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress
 
If you are unhappy, do something to change it. 
 
Looking for answers or solutions for your personal life from strangers on the internet isn't really a good idea.


AMEN!!!  You said it! 
 
If you're going to seek advice from anonymous strangers on a website about what to do with your troubled marriage, what does that say about how much you really care about your marriage?  You might as well stand out in front of Wal-Mart and ask the people going in and out for advice. 
 
joy
Master David's erotic-domestic slave



pixidustpet -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/11/2008 12:32:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirljoy 
If you're going to seek advice from anonymous strangers on a website about what to do with your troubled marriage, what does that say about how much you really care about your marriage?  You might as well stand out in front of Wal-Mart and ask the people going in and out for advice. 
 
joy
Master David's erotic-domestic slave


joy, this struck a chord in me, and made me pause.

i wonder if this specialized kink we're all into makes us ask questions like this here.  if i was sort of isolated and didnt have an in-person community of kinksters, and my signifigant other kept telling me "no, this is the Way It Is(tm)" and i had no one other to ask....why wouldnt i ask here?

of course, if there are bad behaviors going on, the marriage itself needs worked on.  but if you're being told that you're the sub, this is what you have to do, have to put up with, i can definitely checking with other subs if i'm being fed a whole truckload of what that stinks of.

definitely something for me to ponder more.

kitten



FlamingRedhead -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/11/2008 5:48:11 AM)

The first thing I'd do is stop all that "Master" nonsense.  He obviously hasn't mastered himself and, therefore, would be unable to master me.  While there's nothing wrong with renegotiating the relationship, I would be disinclined to participate in swinging since he's already proven he is untrustworthy.  If he can't hold to the original D/s and marriage contracts, what makes you think he'd stick to whatever rules were agreed upon for swinging?  Swinging requires a great deal of openness and trust which are both severely lacking at this point in your relationship.  Rather than discussing this with you like an adult, he's been sneaking around behind your back and trying to manipulate you.  It's time to have a heart-to-heart and tell him exactly how you feel about all of this because it sounds to me like he needs to focus on rebuilding the relationship he already has before he can even begin to think about bringing others into the equation.



greeneyedreamer -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/11/2008 6:08:58 AM)

I agree with all said before, it's abuse, you need counseling, and it may help.

Dreamer



starshineowned -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/11/2008 6:31:07 AM)

Greetings..

quote:

  i am Masters submissive,not Masters slave,i believe i deserve more explanations as to why Master continues to do this and he tells me that its ok,he wont do it again and he loves only me and now wants only one and it is me.....so is there a limit on how many oopsies Master is allowed?


Let me clear this portion up to start with. Just because one becomes slave instead of submissive (as this way of life seems to hold seperate) does not mean that a Owner can lie and go behind the others back and not be held accountable. Slave or submissive deserves honesty upfront and always. While a slave upfront may agree that whatever the Master decides he wants.. the slave will abide by..thats upfront so that the slave knew full well what they were getting into.

Simply put. The man lied, and on more than one occassion. At this point I'd loose any respect and he would not be considered a Master in my eyes nor a man for that matter. Thats just me.

Can it be worked out? Dunno but it certainly can be worked on. I don't doubt that he loves you, and isn't trying to intentionally hurt the very person he wanted to care for but it would seem that he made a consession to you at the get go of denying himself something that he really wanted in order to get you. Guess now you'll have to decide wether you can live with him obtaining the life that he had really wanted and proceed forward together in this endeavor exploring new paths or decide that you can not.

starshine



DavanKael -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/11/2008 6:42:09 AM)

Hi, dazzled2me----
From what you have posted (I read the entirety of your OP and some of the replies), it seems as if there are problems with communication and honesty in yours and your Master's marriage.  Speaking assertively but respectfully with your Master about the issues you have witht the behaviors, and being willing to hear what he has to say is sometihing that I would think prudent as soon as possible.  If change is not affected by that, considering outside assistance.  Also, figuring where your levels of tolerance are because in the face of his pressure, you seem to 'cave' temporarily sometimes and that gives a mixed message.  His misbehaviors aren't your fault but if you are feeding into uncertain boundaries, there is a level of culpability there. 
Best wishes,
  Davan



IrishMist -> RE: submissive left out of :-( (12/11/2008 6:42:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

This is one side of the story.  Here is my answer for that side. 
 
If you are unhappy, do something to change it. 
 
Looking for answers or solutions for your personal life from strangers on the internet isn't really a good idea.

Badda-Bing



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