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Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 10:35:00 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		I have this odd feeling that things are about to take a serious turn for the worse with my dad.  Over the past couple of days, there have been several things that he's asked for (ranging from various articles of clothing from his crossdressing days while I was growing up, to book ends and various books on religion studies) - all of which are no longer around.  Today he sat here across from me, asking for a whole list of things, many of which he's asked for previously and been told we no longer have, and he got emotional about it.  He literally started weeping, telling me that he feels like I "wrote him off" 2 years ago when the stroke happened and simply "dumped all the reminders in the trash."  The results - a comment that he's "doing nothing but sitting around waiting to die."

It's..... disturbing, because a lot of the things that have been disposed of, I got rid of at his request after he made comments about not needing/being able to use them any longer.  His stash of clothing and other crossdressing items, and his list of pay site subscriptions to various crossdressing/semi-porn sites being at the top of That list - he's now angry at me that I didn't maintain the subscriptions over the past two years, and that the various clothing got donated to good will!  His library of books concerning nothing but comparative religious studies all went to his church at his request - and he's blaming me for the fact that when my brother got evicted from this house, he took what remained of dad's old bookcases and bookends with him rather than leaving them here like he was supposed to do.  (But dear gods, don't let him hear me place the responcibility for my brother's misdeeds on my brother - then I'm "not being fair.")  How I was supposed to prevent him from taking things out of the house that he knew weren't his to take - I have no idea, but apparantly dad thinks there should have been Some way for me to prevent it.

In the long run, I'm not certain whether I'm more disturbed by the fact that he doesn't remember telling me himself to get rid of a lot of it - I expect memory lapses and such due to the brain damage - or by the sheer level of despondancy that he's displaying over the fact that those prior requests were followed through on.  It's like I both fear and hope that this new ... emotional trauma, if you want to call it that..... wil finally push him mentally to the state where he resigns himself to the truth of his physical condition, and quits fighting so hard to stay alive simply for the sake of being alive.

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Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 10:40:09 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Maybe he is simply scared, trying to cling to things from 'before' to give him a sense of security.

I took care of my SIL as she died for several months, emotionally and physically grueling for all involved. There were many times she got angry over things but was really just terrified and angry at the fact she was dying, not so much over the actual 'things'.


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(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 11:01:35 AM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		You have a very unusual circumstance with your father...I would never confide in or expect my daughter to keep fetish items of mine let alone keep up web subscriptions. But each to their own... I'm just not as open as many I guess.

I also don't know your fathers physical condition or your family interactions but I can say your father is dangerously depressed. I would see that he gets help.. Regardless of his life expectancy he deserves to live out his last days in dignity and depression treatment may help.

Good luck and God bless

Butch

(in reply to camille65)
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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 11:06:47 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		First of all... my heart really goes out to you and I wish there was something that could be done to help.  Do you know where the damage is in his brain?  I have TIA's.  With the disease I have it can look like MS on the brain and each white spot is from stroke.  For each spot we could have had a hundred mild strokes and each makes the spot a tiny bit bigger.  Where my spots are is changing, but they started in the front lobe which effects temperment, mood, anger and some other things I can't remember with my morning brain.  I am still at a point where I can control it for the most part unless I am pushed.  When pushed, people know and I tell them.  If they push more or do something in the morning... I can get angry and then mad because I was pushed into anger.  I chose to hide away when like this but sometimes I just can't.  I can recognize when it happens, but the day will come when I won't be able to unless I am taken out quickly. 

There are times when some mild stoke could happen during sleep, which is when most of mine are.  I have learned the signs of having one, but because I had one, it can be harder to see because you are in a fog.  You can be more emotional or angry.  You remember things or don't and I often go to get something that I had years ago not remembering I don't have it anymore.  I typically laugh about it, but I can see where one day I might not have that knowledge or control. 

What is worse is that you know you are losing brain cells in a sense.  You are feeling your intelligence dim and you know you are faulty and messing up.  Sometimes you just can't laugh it off.

I would think that maybe your dad has had some mild strokes that went un-noticed and this is nothing to fault anyone for.  They can be so mild that you just can't see them or can happen when asleep.  If you are noticing more going on, I would bet money on it from my own experience and other's I've known, that he has had some sort of event and the damage to the brain is a bit worse.  Sometimes you can be out of it and swing back.  Like with me after an event, I can be dingy as all get out and in a few hours the fog will lift.  The most it has been was one day in the fog.  But at some point that fog could stay.

When working with myself or my son who has anoxic brain injury, I was able to tap into the experiences of a dear man who cared for an elderly man.  We were all quite alike.  With me because I have more on the ball, I resent sidetracking or distracting me, but with son and this other man, sidetracking worked really well.  If he is stuck in the fog, he may need to be seen by his doctors.  But they may eventually just tell you this is the way it is and the way it is going to be.  But there may be some medications that can help.  Any change can be the condition, medications or a change in the condition.

I don't know if any of this helps or not.  I can only hope it does somehow.  I wish you both the best!

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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 11:26:49 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Has he been assessed for depression? Because this sounds a great deal like what we went through with my father after his hospitalization last spring. Crying over things many years gone and not able to remember the truth of the situation. We changed psychiatrists to one who does deal with geriatric patients and got him on a low dose of lexapro which has eliminated much of that.

The memory stuff, why not just say "don't you remember that Joe took that?" and dial your brother's number so your dad can ask him for it directly. I imagine that the church would let you borrow a book back.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 12:53:34 PM   
calamitysandra


Posts: 1682
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline 		Celeste gave some good advice in regards of your father.
But you should also take care of yourself. Are there support groups for people in your situation that you can go to?
If that is not an option, make sure that you have time to yourself to relax and regroup. Caring for a dying familymember is an enormous undertaking, and you need to make sure that you come out of that situation whole. Not unchanged, that is nearly impossible, but at least not damaged.

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"Whenever people are laughing, they are generally not killing one another"
Alan Alda


(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 1:15:38 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		Actually, dad has had several "mini" strokes over the past two years - all in a concentrated area well removed from the Original stroke.  The original caused a fist sized clot in the frontal lobe of the right hemisphere, and didn't appear (for the first few days) to have caused much Physical trouble.  The later strokes - which his neuro found when a follow up MRI was conducted 6 months later - caused his paralysis and speech problems.  And yes, I've noticed a bit of a trend on when he starts getting emotional - and whether further impairment follows.  Last night was a Bad night for nitemares - this morning he had more trouble (than usual) with breathing, and with walking/balance, and has been significantly more emotional about things.  The possibility that such times were perhaps due to mini-strokes isn't something that I've contemplated, but it IS something that I've put on the list I keep to talk to his doctor about during his next visit. 
 
Unfortunately, the doctors HAVE already said "this is simply the way it's going to be" as far as that "fog" type thing.  We've all gotten used to him asking several times a day what day of the week it is, or what month it is... and while writting this, he looked at an Ornamental (non-functional) clock I have and declared that it was 837pm - even though it's barely 3 in the afternoon, and still light outside.
 
Butch - dad and I have always had something of an "unusual" friendship type relationship as well as  him being my father.  I was already 8 years old when he and mom got married.  Biologically, he's my stepfather, even though Legally he adopted my brother and I when they got married - so he's now listed on my birth certificate even though there's no biological connection.  I've known since I was 12 that he was a cross dresser.  I grew up used to Kink - and considered it the "normal" life rather than "outside of normal" for the longest time.  Prior to the stroke, while he still had a job with a conservative company, etc, he wasn't "out" publically about being a crossdresser - but everyone in the family knew about it.  It was an "at home, when no one else is around other than spouce" type of thing for years and years.  After mom died, he and I became even closer than we were during my teens - although we were Close then, and could talk about anything.  I grew up with a distinct Privilage in that sense, always knowing that I could talk to either of my parents about literally ANYTHING, and not have them condeme me even if they didn't necessarily Agree with me.  It certainly came as no surprise to either of them when I got involved in various aspects of kink - and in the years since mom died, dad has more than once given me suggestions on "pervertables" to add to my toy bag.  Before he went into the nursing home, while he was still in Rehab, I DID maintain his various paysite subscriptions.  Once the decision was made to send him to the nursing home, I canceled them all.  He's mad because I made a decision based on Practicality rather than Sentimentality as far as that goes - and if he weren't brain damaged, he'd have made the same decision in my place.
 
Des - he's been assessed more than once for depression, and is currently on 3 seperate medications for depression, anxiety, and paranoia - Zyprexa for the paranoia attacks, Zoloft for the depression, and Xanax for his anxiety attacks.  I've tried the "hey, dad, don't you remember that Mike took X?" type of thing - that's when he gets pissy at me and accuses me of "not being fair" to my brother.  It wouldn't do me any good to dial my brother's number to let dad speak to him directly about such items - idiotboy is a pathological liar, and when dad has confronted him with such in the past (after I gave him proof that the idiot had what he was asking for) he would simply deny it and get antagonistic - which of course stresses dad out, so that dad gives up.  Over the course of 2 years of such incidents, dad has gotten to the point where he finds it "to stressful" to call my brother out on things - he'd rather simply bitch at me, telling me that I'm not being fair, knowing full well that I'M not willing to argue with him over it and cause Further stress that might induce another major stroke.  I'll make the suggestion to him that we contact the church about him going through their library to borrow some of the books back - it's a lending library for church members anyway.

edited to add : Sandra, I don't have a "support group" per se - but I am being a Lot more diligent in maintaining my appointments with my shrink LOL.  Fortunately, the home care person comes in several times a week, and I get a chance to leave and do things for Myself while she's here, and while he's asleep.  When he goes to sleep at his previously Normal time (around 730pm) it works great, because I have my evenings to myself with only the occassional peek into his open door to check on his breathing rate.  Having a handful of really Close friends that are willing to let me rant in their ear on a regular basis is also a sanity saver right now - especially since a few of them know dad, and have seen how he acts when he's in one of his "pissy" moods!

< Message edited by hizgeorgiapeach -- 12/10/2008 1:19:09 PM >

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Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 2:08:11 PM   
UncleNasty


Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline 		I didn't really figure it out until my dad was in the latter stages of emphasema. He struggled with every breath and probably didn't ever feel secure in one of the most basic and essential elements of staying alive. Imagine feeling out of breath literally all the time.

He was pissed off and scared (and a lot of the pissed off was likely fear masked by anger). I think living with those constant, incessant emotions and physical conditions just wears on you. My dad was pretty emotionally stressed in the sense that it didn't take much to get an emotional response or reaction that was out of proportion to events. Anger was the most frequent.

One of the "aid" staff we hired to help him truly did care about. Actually they all did. That in itself was a minor miracle if you recall some of what I shared with you privately. In any case he was a musician most of his life, even professionally at a couple of junctures. They managed to find some music that he liked, that seemed to really calm him. They didn't play it all the time but did use it when he needed a break, or a "Calgon, take me away" moment.

Your dad probably has something similar. What it might be I couldn't say. But if he does, and you pay close attention, you might be able to figure it out. Food, a TV show, music, sitting in a particular room, chair, or by a special window. Who knows. Just try to be open to seeing it when and if it does show up.

Uncle Nasty, and happily back to 1 1/2 hands.

No words of wisdom or sage suggestions. Sorry.

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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 2:21:02 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Uncle Nasty, those are some great idea's.  For mom it was looking at mountians, my son loves music and looking out the window and um's, teddy bears and messin with mom.  Me... hehe... I am here! With my grandmother who was a teacher bringing um's around and getting her talking about teaching.  If all else fails... food! lol

It really isn't easy to be a caregiver, even in an easier situation like I have.  But it is vital to have your vent friends and maybe someone who has been there to suggest little things you don't always keep at the top of your head... or in my case... forget!  Laughter is a way for us around here, but my son isn't aware too much about what it means to be him now.  He used to talk and when he realized he wasn't okay he called himself an idiot at three different times in a couple weeks and tried never to speak again.  You never know how they will respond.

From what my friend was saying... you may need to change the medications a lot for the depression.  Maybe having something to give him in the moment to calm him down a bit, as needed rather than just a daily thing might help.  I know there are days when I have to give my son something, but he doesn't need it every day.  So I just use benedryl, but that is maybe a few times a year.  I just keep him away from MTV and that jackass show which wires him up!

Hang in there... it sounds like you are doing a great work of love there!

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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 3:57:29 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		UM, I've wondered at times if I really have the Capacity to truely comprehend what he feels with the constant breathing problem.  I do agree that it's no doubt very wearing emotionally though, to have to struggle to do something that is so fundamental to living.  Anger - and fear masked as anger - and fear not masked as anger - are all things that I pretty much expect from someone with a chronic/terminal condition.  I saw a lot of that, though thankfully never directed at me, during mom's last couple of months prior to her death.  She'd been ill for more than a decade, she was consigned to having the problems - but that didn't keep her from being angry with fate that she had the condition in teh first place, or angry at her body for betraying her, or angry in general for not being able to do what she had previously been able to do.  Maybe I'm just to close to the situation right now with dad to recognize the same thing in him.
 
I've been trying to figure out if there's something in particular (other than taking a nap or smoking lol) that calms him down.  I'll keep my eyes open for such.  I know that while he was in the nursing home I used bringing him packs of ciggarettes as a bribe/threat when he started getting to obnoxious with the nurses and aides.  He'd get into an extended bout of acting like a complete PoS, the nurses would call me and ask me to do something about it, I'd go visit the next day and tell him if he didn't  behave and cooperate with the staff I simply wouldn't bring him a fresh pack when he ran out.  It would keep him Relatively mild mannered towards the staff for about 3 weeks - and then I'd make the same comment all over again. 
 
His retention on things tends to vary wildly.  Unfortunately even on his Best days it's insufficient to let him putz about with anything related to his prior work - which was as a computer programmer.  He was the company's dinosaur prior to this.  His former boss told me, about six months after the stroke, that it took hiring 5 seperate people to replace him, simply from the massive scope of what he was doing.  Half the programs the company uses were written by him, and the half he didn't directly write he worked on debugging, modification, and analysis for.  He can't type at all now - using a keyboard is absolutely beyond the scope of his recovery - which means that one of the few things that he's wanted to do since he got home (work on a book he talked about writting for years) - I have to directly help him with, by taking dictation and then entering it on the word processor to save as a file.  (His handwriting was Always difficult to read - now it's utterly Impossible to read due to the shakiness of his hands.)

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 7:33:23 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Many times a person in your father's situation will take their anger and frustration out on their caretakers, precisely because they trust them or to see if they can be pushed away.  When approaching the end of life the same behaviors seen in young offspring often come back in force; whining, lying, blaming, tantrums, etc.  It is exasperating for the caretakers and can make you question your own sanity at times.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 7:52:54 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		Heh - Ven, I've questioned my own sanity in spades over the years, starting with my decision to have a (was supposed to be BRIEF, Damnit) fling with my older spawn's sperm donor.  This past week, though, since he got out of the hospital again (he ended up there for 2 days due to his panic attacks causing more breathing issues) - I've been asking myself a couple of times Daily what sort of insane drugs someone slipped me to make the decision to move him home.  Actually, I've been questioning both my sanity and my intelligence on that decision lol.
 
A couple of hours ago, just as he was finally going to bed, I think I may have stumbled across a partial solution to some of his Attitude the past couple of days - and it's all coming back to the same thing it did at the nursing home, his smoking.   Because he's on oxygen a large part of the time, he has to go out on the deck to smoke - but with the nasty weather that hit this area yesterday (snow and temps in the teens - gack) I told him if he doesn't behave, I won't let him use the (relatively) warm and out of the weather garage to smoke in - and that I'll start hiding MY packs as well, which means if he goes through all of his he's outta luck until I feel damn good and ready to replace 'em.  He tried whining to the health aide that I was "picking on him" that way - and found out that she's even Meaner than I am about it - and told him if he didn't behave and cooperate she simply wouldn't get out of his way to get to EITHER door to go smoke - and she'd hide what he has left of a pack to boot!  I haven't seen him that cowed and meek in 2 years.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to Vendaval)
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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 8:03:58 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Wow.  Sounds like you found both the carrot and the stick for his motivation with the nicotine addiction.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 8:09:28 PM   
UncleNasty


Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline 		Geeze, what else do we have in common hgp. My dad was a computer programmer and analyst too.

Instead of dictation you might consider an inexpensive digital tape recorder. He cold us it whenever he felt like it and you could store it to hard drive daily.

Uncle Nasty, happily back to 1 1/2 hands

(in reply to Vendaval)
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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/10/2008 8:23:31 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		His voice is so weak these days that I often have to ask  him to repeat what he's just said 4 or 5 times for him to raise his voice enough to be heard at all, UM.  While the tape recorder isn't a bad idea, I'm not certain that he speaks loudly enough for it to do a whole lot of good.
 
He spent part of yesterday "regaling" me with comments about my typing skills (always significantly better than his own, since I type about 80wpm, while his Best was 30wpm lol) in comparison to his use of obsolete languages ranging from Pascal to Cobal to Fortran, and how often he got to snicker at the "desktop savvy but woefully Serious language ignorant" younger folks he worked with.  He still sneers at me on occassion that I gave up trying to keep up with programming languages about the time Pascal quit being used regularly.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

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RE: Misgivings about recent developments - 12/11/2008 6:36:00 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		My gram shifts in and out of  a different state of mind.

It isnt unique to only her, my buddy Jim did last week.   In Jims case, I told him in a firm tone to stop talking that way.  With gram, I say things like "thats terrible"   "so and so is a bad person".   but if I think she is, about to cause greater harm,  it is then that I pipe up. She is at a point where, the thoughts are more verbalized and I dont know that she even knows she does this.   She will say that woman stoole the crome on her car....  it is possible that could have happened, but her last 3 cars never had crome on them to begin with.   SO maybe it happened 50 years ago.   When she then was pestering the police I had to tell her not to, that they will not come if it keeps up.  Same thing when she said she would get a gun to use on that woman.

That is all some of the reason why mom left PA.   I understand why... and it is not my place to judge.

So what you need to do, is to humor your dad when it is trivial and pipe up when a great harm copuld occur.   It might help to say, I dont have to take this blaming me. His brain might need abit of help connceting the thoughts.   Dont take it personally.

So  figure out when to placate, and when to pipe up and by all means take a break fromn the situation when you can.

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
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