RE: How has time and experience changed you?

RE: How has time and experience changed you? (Full Version)

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DomDG -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/7/2008 2:23:55 PM)
What a great topic. It's one that we (princess and I) touch on often when talking with others in the life or those we choose to out ourselves to. I actually say that instead of tightening up my limits I learned to expand them. With more knowledge of myself, the lifestyle and my relationships came freedom to grow. When we started we were monogamous. princess was a slave, I was her Master and that's all we needed. As things in our lives progressed we found our desires growing. Sometimes they grew together and sometimes they grew in different directions. Through transparent and open discussion we learned about each other's fears, desires and needs. It was through that time that we opened our relationship to poly and open play. For me also, finding a balance between my faith (i am a pastor's son) and this life gave me a freedom to move along the journey. Experience has changed me in many ways. It gives me the confidence to play at my best. It also gives me the confidence to ask questions of people who know more than I. I am now working on a few demos at the request of friends in our group and others. I am happy to help new Dominants learn more about the lifestyle.

IronBear -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/7/2008 2:43:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici I know when I first started out, I had very defined parameters and selection criteria along with what some call the squeamish factor about certain 'fetishes' and a morbid curiosity about others--today, I see some flips in those thoughts---the defined parameters did not change and infact got tighter ( or maybe I became better able to articulate them) some of the ick factor flipped and some of the morbid fascination moved right into the "oh hell no" category. How has time and experience changed your view/practice of WIITWD? On a general view, like so many things I have expedrienced in my life, my original views have been turned about through exposiure, closer inspection and infprmed study. On one hand I have become (in life generally too, more cynical, more discerning as to who and what I will spend energy and finances on so that in one case I suppose one could say that the bumbling, wide eyed, open hearted newby has discovered that the world of kink has just as many traps and unpleasant people, back stabbers and people who deserver to be executed as does the rest of humanity. I have learned that there is indeed a difference between abuse and pleasure and that it is ok and enjoyable watching a woman being man-handled, bound and flogged by her Master a nd this is totally different to watching some wife abuser beating the crap our of his wife. I have found a niche which I enjoy and have also found I can enjoy BDSM even alone and from a distance (Something which I suspect manyh have not discovered but they may as they age and find less and less partners who want to play with them)..

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/7/2008 10:22:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy quote: ORIGINAL: SummerWind "Playing" with someone for the sake of playing has no value to me now. The "fix" I need is now a person not an activity. Boy do I agree with this one. At first, in my teens, it was a way to exert power and to impress the ladies. I went through stages: Playing with a lady for my own power trip and to show what I could do to her and make her enjoy it. Married the first time and I got so formal and rigid, it fell apart. Starting showing others the joys, but insulating my feelings as a "twue" Dom would. Public shows .. I was a damn showoff. Giving as much of myself as I took from them .... satisfying, but relation was doomed by separate paths we trod. Now, having learned and grown, when I probably have more to give than ever before, life has dealt me cards that will probably keep me from experiencing the depth of feelings I once felt and the maturity to keep it and cherish it. Life is ironic. Summerwind, you said what I struggled to put into words...it isn't an activity I crave - but someone to connect with... Someone to be my unguarded - self with. Someone to belong to. The activities are easy to come by. Finding that connection, not so easy. One of the things that time and experience has taught me is to enjoy and appreciate the tangible, but even more so, to value and cherish that elusive connection with another when it happens - even if that connection is fleeting or all too brief - I'm a better person for it. Michael - HUGS! Don't give up, you sexy barbarian.

moonvine -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 12:32:24 AM)
I'm less scared about being outed, and I'm much more open than I used to be. I'd say that's the only major change. I still want what I wanted 10 years ago. Still don't have it.

DomDG -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 12:42:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moonvine I'm less scared about being outed, and I'm much more open than I used to be. I'd say that's the only major change. I still want what I wanted 10 years ago. Still don't have it. I forgot that part when I posted earlier. I think I am less scared as well. In fact there are people we wish we could tell. I have to say with princess and I being more open about our kink and poly lifestyle, we do seem to be more 'aggressive' at times. This week we were at a coffee shop waiting for her other to pick her up. In the past we would have been more quiet and talked in more code words. Now, granted, we were in a coffee shop in the artsy part of town where the GLBT community is strong and hosts their annual film festival. But we were discussing her other and a girl I have an interest in getting to know MUCH better. The guy at the table one down from us was reading a book when we sat down. Being the observer I am, I noticed that the more we talked the less often he turned his page, until by the time we left his book was on the table flat and he was staring at it with his ear cocked our way.

Cuffkinks -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 2:44:28 AM)
Great question. The first thing that came to my mind... Flash back about 3 1/2 years: A former sub once said to me..."I wish you were my father." My immediate response was..."That's the most un-erotic thing I've ever heard." I never understood the whole "Daddy Dom" thing. Back to the present: Having been with my little girl for almost 3 years now, and being in love with the one I'm meant to be with...I find that I care not only about her, but I care about everything that has anything to do with her. I now not only understand the "paternal" feelings that can come with ownership, I find myself comfortable with the idea and actually like it. I now refer to myself as her Dom: "Daddy/Owner/Master"

stella41b -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 3:59:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear I have found a niche which I enjoy and have also found I can enjoy BDSM even alone and from a distance (Something which I suspect manyh have not discovered but they may as they age and find less and less partners who want to play with them).. If ever there was a statement which could encapsulate almost the whole sense and experience of WIITWD it is right here - both the wisdom in the statement and the wisdom in the concept. This is also bittersweet for me, because when you realise that you do indeed find people like IronBear sidelined, you also realise what is lacking most in the community. But this is about finding your niche, it's about quality over quantity, and it's about taking the opportunities when they come. WIITWD for me has never been about one person, me or someone else, nor has it ever been about two, nor the activities, kinks, fetishes, events.. It's about the people - the people you meet, the people you learn from, and the people you end up with and where you find yourself. What makes me laugh are those who claim the BDSM community is made up of like-minded people. Given the amount of idiots and loonies you encounter in the community you have to stop and wonder what they're talking about. To me this community is a place where diverse people can find the sort of common ground not found elsewhere in society. And that's what makes it special.

KnightofMists -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 8:00:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici How has time and experience changed your view/practice of WIITWD? The more time that goes by and the more experience I have has continued to show me how much more there is to learn and how little of it I have learned.

SteveAndJaz -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 8:17:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: stella41b What makes me laugh are those who claim the BDSM community is made up of like-minded people. Given the amount of idiots and loonies you encounter in the community you have to stop and wonder what they're talking about. To me this community is a place where diverse people can find the sort of common ground not found elsewhere in society. And that's what makes it special. Was that not a contradiction?

Icarys -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 8:38:14 AM)
I'll take this one from you, Rover. "I've learned that "because that's what I enjoy" is all the reason I need." I've become more open minded. I'm better equipped to see through the bs of others so that I don't fall into it myself. I've learned that no matter what the so called experience and enlightenment levels that others push in your face, they are no different than the next person. We're all the same, good and bad. I've learned to be a little more patient with others and myself. Last but not least, I'm still learning.

LaTigresse -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 8:51:49 AM)
Much of what Rover has already written fits well with what is in my mind. I had a very romantic and unrealistic view when I was first shown all of this. Then I got angry and bitter that the people I was meeting didn't fit the romantic idealized picture in my head. Which quickly turned into a "well duhhhhhh" moment. Now, I just cruise along, doing my own thing, fairly oblivious to what anyone thinks one way or another.I've quite worrying about fitting in, or proving anything. AND, I totally gave up trying to keep the "cool factor" going. [:D] Life is too short to worry about maintaining a certain image.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 9:05:01 AM)
I had a nice post thought out and my internet ate it. Basically I am far more pickier than I ever was about relationships. Time and self realization and a few relationships that were less than ideal has taught me a lot about myself and whatI need to be happy.Such as no long distance, they MUST be local and they must drive, and that's not negotiable. And I've changed my orientation, I used to identify as a submissive but now I know I am no where NEAR a submissive. I am very Dominant in my personality and I want things my way and how I want them and when I want them. And should I take on a D sub relationship I WILL top from the bottom if he's not strong enough to keep me in line. I am a switch and I know it and I need both parts of my personality being fufilled to remain happy, and in the future I will no longer accept partners who won't let me play with others, in ways I need to, with pre defined rules.

KnightofMists -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 9:12:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss I had a nice post thought out and my internet ate it. and I bet it was the absolutely best post ever............... It's a shame that so many of those posts go that way. I had more than a few do that to me. If only it didn't happen... the rest of you would realize how brillant I am

LaTigresse -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 9:17:24 AM)
ACTually, if you said you knew how to go back and retrieve it so you could re-post it, then we would know for a fact how brilliant you are!

ScarabRising -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 10:08:36 AM)
Time and experience have led to continued evolution for me..... I once was a child, peering through the door of my dark dreams and demons. Now I continue to journey, discovering more within me, pushing limits I never could have imagined in the beginning and expanding who I am. Any experience is a good one as long as something has been learned from it and the experience leads to wider dreams for me.

Aszhrae -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 1:47:53 PM)
Well Cat, with first mistress it was very sexual and very disciplinary. When girl became mistress' pet, all was fine within the first three years in that capacity. Never had to do much of anything. Now mistress is not very physical in her discipline, but when she slapped me, girl felt it. After a while girl just became used to it. Initially, laboring for master was a disciplinary action. Girl was given the worst duties you might think. Girl remembers having to help dig out a broken septic, the guys worked with masks, girl wasn't given one. My ribs ached with dry heaves because girl kept trying to puke. It was then that girl learned to do as she was directed. Girl did stink for a week after that, the scent of my self was enough to go into heaves. Lesson learned. Don't tell master that girl only serves mistress when mistress is not around to defend her pet. Over the years, more skills master did teach me, my physical limits expanded. Girl does not feint at the sight of her own blood or the blood of others. Remains calm, does not panic when someone injures themselves on site. Stamina and endurance increased over time. Girl can take a lot of physical hardship before feinting now. Humiliation still affects me and it most certainly something girl will never get used too. Girl became more service oriented in being a submissive. More flexible, versatile and resourceful. Of course better skilled also. Since laboring for master did require making repairs, girl learned to take things apart in my head, figure out how something was installed and make the needed repairs. This works in looking at something and knowing how something was constructed and tools that are required. Think on my feet. Stay aware. Endure and make your master and mistress proud of their pet. Girl is much closer to my mistress and for all the nasty things master put me through, there is still some resentment towards him. Girl feels the only reason girl never ran away is because to do so would break mistress' heart. Girl could never do that to her mistress. Master on the other hand, girl has ran away from and girl regretted it after being caught. Now girl believes if anything, that girl has a thicker skin. Mistress and master have also learned, to make girl more submissive, they need only ignore me and leave me in silence. Girl craves their touch and will beg for it, even if it means getting slapped.

leakylee -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 2:29:36 PM)
the more time and expience i gain, firms my beliefs that the person with the ethics, moral, beliefs, and woman has a right to exist. i dont have to sacrifice who i am to excel as the submissive. i also have found that the 'community' is not the evil entity that i allowed others to influence my thinking on. (my apologies to the Three River Munch in the Pitts). i also have learned that being and allowing my extreme side to come out doesnt make me a freak, and life truly does give you what you need. i also greatly value the relationships i have in the Shed Family. great thread. smooches lee

TheVoiceofOne -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 2:45:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility For years I dabbled in kinky foreplay that amounted to little more than bondage, gags and blindfolds with whatever willing partner wandered onto my radar. Then I met someone who was into bdsm in her own right and I thought I had it made. I didn't. If you find a partner into bdsm but the two of you are not on the same page it still doesn't work. I was much more fulfilled and happy when I was dabbling in kinky foreplay. I learned quite a bit but I wasn't happy. I met someone who takes her submission very seriously and that gave me the space to... well, be dominant. Once I had that blank canvas to work with ideas and desires I never knew existed within me flourished. I think the biggest change that took place was when I realized that by simply doing what I want to do simply because I want to do it I empower her to find her own fulfillment within her submission. I spent many years tiptoeing around the wants and needs and likes of my previous partner and it just didn't work. Unlike a lot of folks into all of this I do believe in a few absolutes. I realize that we all march to our own drummer and labeling things as 'right' or 'wrong' isn't very productive but I don't write off those absolutes as unrealistic just because the majority of bdsm types don't march to that cadence. I would love to see the look on the faces of a few of those early "willing partners" if they could see me now. Heh. I agree with what you've written. In fact... I could have written it myself, about myself. Good job!

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 3:04:29 PM)
I've learned that the things and ideas that I -don't- believe (in) far exceed the things that I -do- believe in in quantity and frequency-of-exposure , but that the things that remain that I -do- believe in, despite being relatively uncommon and often unpopular, I'm willing to die for.

Padriag -> RE: How has time and experience changed you? (12/8/2008 3:09:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici How has time and experience changed your view/practice of WIITWD? Many of the more extreme things that fascinated me when I was younger no longer do. I've found my interests are less about the "thrill" and more about stable relationships. My interest now is more about establishing a stable dynamic rather than chasing after the next conquest or the latest fetish.

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