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Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 6:12:36 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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This post has been knocking around in my brain for the last few weeks. It comes from many conversations that I have had with my Lord over the last year. In every relationship, there are aspects that are challenging and others that give pleasure. Not everyone will view things the same either. What I may find challenging, someone else will consider it a pleasure and vice versa. For me, it is important for the relationship to give sufficient pleasures that will balance out the challenges. In a D/s relationship, the person with the authority will often determine what the pleasures will be and how they will be balanced with the challenges.

In my relationship, my Lord has the authority to make the final decision in everything. I offer my thoughts, opinions and feelings but at the end of the day it is his will that I follow. Throughout our relationship, he and I have spent a lot of time discovering the things that challenge and please and how to strike that balance. One of the greatest pleasures I have found is learning to submit to his will when I find it challenging to do so. It is the pleasure in overcoming the challenge and pleasing him. This so often means doing something that if left to myself, I would not even consider doing or that I do not like doing. I don’t get pleasure in doing the act, but I get pleasure in knowing that I have done something for him just because he wanted me to do it.

How do you find this balance in your own relationships? As dominants do you consciously recognize the need to find this balance? As a submissive do you understand the balance you need between doing things that challenge and things that give you pleasure?

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

Post #: 1

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 6:28:32 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

As thought provoking as ever Kyra :) I truly envy You and Alandra at times :)

quote:

As a submissive do you understand the balance you need between doing things that challenge and things that give you pleasure?

Oh yes. I have found through the years that the things that challenge me the most ( the ones that I find the hardest to accolplish on my own ), are the ones that give the most pleasure. Going back to the early years of my marriage, my husband had told me at one time that I eventually would come to the point that I would literally DO ANYTHING that he required of me. I laughed and thought him quite, umm, well, quite off his rocker, to put it mildly. There were so many things when I was first introduced to this wonderful world, that I would never have thought I would ever do; only to look back now and see that not only did I do them willingly ( some I even asked him about out of curiosity ), but I did them with a sense of pride in the knowledge that I could please him so well. It is those times that make all the hardships, all the tears and denials, and all the pain of discovery worth while.

Thank you for bringing back such wonderful memories.

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 12/25/2005 6:29:03 PM >

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 2

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 6:34:34 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

As a submissive do you understand the balance you need between doing things that challenge and things that give you pleasure?

I do not yet understand the balance, but I'm starting to learn and I think I am making progress. I find pleasure when I know that my service is pleasing. I find some things to be a challenge and I know that my reaction to some things can create a challenge that needs to be dealt with. But if I were not challenged I would get bored and not be fulfilled, and I would resent. So challenge is a necessary component. And when the challenge is met - and it leads to bridging that gap between "not sure about this" and becomes "wow, I enjoy serving in this way!", it's a good thing.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 3

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 6:39:36 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Gosh life gives me MORE than enough challenges, I've never been in a relationship where any of the people in it had to conciously TRY and create a challenge.

I'm not sure what you are asking really. How do you find a balance between just being fulfilled and yet growing into who you will become?

By living.

To quote from Buffy TVS: "Life's not a song, life isn't bliss, life is just this- it's living."

Becoming who we will be, staying true to ourselves IS simply a constant challenge, because we ARE constantly becoming who we will be. How do we balance that by staying in the NOW? By embracing those little pleasures and quiet intimate boring moments? Simply by doing it.

Talk, love, discuss, share, breed, hold close, let go, EXPERIENCE. Life balances itself if you let it.

I'll go ahead and add a PS here: I think you all rock with your openness and deep discussions and working beyond the surface to the multiple levels underneath. But I also think you all have a tendency to work things far too complicated and not simply let go and BE. A time for everything of course.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 12/25/2005 6:43:18 PM >

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 4

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 6:39:41 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

As a submissive do you understand the balance you need between doing things that challenge and things that give you pleasure?

do i understand? NO!
this is the 1st i heard of such things. i didn't know there HAD TO BE anything balanced. ya take the bad with the good and most of MY life has been bad.
"I" am used-to..runnin the streets.

things that challenge?

i struggle just gettin my ass outta bed. i hate mornings. and my o.c.d. kicks in then...
i am a natural night owl and i hate living in the daytime now.

the ONLY challenge i think is making sure She understands ME enough to trust my ass to know what i am doing...at 52...and not treat me like i was a kid.
we are 3 mule headed adults under 1 roof...and we sometimes clash...

things that give pleasure?
i take pleasure knowing my kitchen is spotless...and my hallway has no fuzzies...
knowing my carpets are immaculate..
beds are made daily
bathrooms are scrubbed once a week...top to bottom...
plus laundry ...for 3...
plus shoveling snow
plus 2 dogs
plus part time cooking...
i take pleasure in SERVICE!
there is no s/m.
there is no sex.
there is romance.

serving is MY pleasure.

but balances?????????? like as if i can control the bad days and good days.
if i could..i would have good days 365...........

later, huh?

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 5

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 7:56:58 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Gosh life gives me MORE than enough challenges, I've never been in a relationship where any of the people in it had to conciously TRY and create a challenge.

You are correct, life is inherently challenging and I was not implying that we should create more. Creating pleasures to balance those challenges is what I am referring to.

quote:

I think you all rock with your openness and deep discussions and working beyond the surface to the multiple levels underneath. But I also think you all have a tendency to work things far too complicated and not simply let go and BE. A time for everything of course.

Thank you.

One of the pleasures my Lord and I have is that we enjoy analyzing topics and looking below the surface. We both tend to over-think things, but we enjoy doing that. Of course after awhile, he will just grab me by the hair, drag me down to his dungeon and proceed to show me just what an "alien" I am. *g*

(LA's dictionary: masochist = alien )

kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 8:11:59 PM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

Veronica if your Mistress ever wants to give you up (and you're real tired of shoveling snow!) I would just LOVE to have you come to NM and help around my house.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to veronicaofML)

Post #: 7

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 8:24:32 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
Creating pleasures to balance those challenges is what I am referring to.

Hmm...a large part is simply in recognizing the pleasures that already exist. I've mentioned it before, but I worry, a LOT, I get anxious a LOT, I take on responsibilities for myself on others sometimes too fast and too often. I can get away with a lot because I'm so good at time and energy management, but that doesn't mean I SHOULD take on as much as I do.

In part to compensate for this- I get REALLY psyched over the little things. A trip to Coldstone, a movie, a new song you hear on the radio. I really do squeal over pointless shiny little things in life. Because I like to squeal and it gives me that everyday buzz. Finding the happiness that already exists in the mundane is a great way of how I deal with the other challenging side.

Another way I do it is to simply follow my passions, my resonances, the "synchronicities" in life. Leap at the opportunities when they come...and they always come.

quote:

he will just grab me by the hair, drag me down to his dungeon and proceed to show me just what an "alien" I am. *g*

(LA's dictionary: masochist = alien )

kyra

LOL sure, but what about the times when HE gets himself too into his own thoughts?

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 8

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 8:44:39 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

In my relationship, my Lord has the authority to make the final decision in everything. I offer my thoughts, opinions and feelings but at the end of the day it is his will that I follow. Throughout our relationship, he and I have spent a lot of time discovering the things that challenge and please and how to strike that balance. One of the greatest pleasures I have found is learning to submit to his will when I find it challenging to do so. It is the pleasure in overcoming the challenge and pleasing him. This so often means doing something that if left to myself, I would not even consider doing or that I do not like doing. I don’t get pleasure in doing the act, but I get pleasure in knowing that I have done something for him just because he wanted me to do it.

My personality is the type where I tend to always think I'm right and I like to get what I want. Of course that doesn't quite always work that well in terms of being owned, so I don't really automatically process challenges or doing things I don't want as being a pleasure. A lot of it depends on how big the issue is. The small stuff (differing decisions on where to go out, etc) is fairly easy to process and swallow (I call the process of acceptance "swallowing"). The medium stuff (differing decisions on slightly more significant issues, possibly combined with him acting like an asshole - oh wait of course dominants never do that.. my bad) may take me a little while (a couple of days) to work through to get to just acceptance, and there may be a tinch of hostility towards my owner for being able to compell me to do what I don't want to do. For the big stuff (decisions that involve me having to significantly adjust something that I have a deep moral or emotional attachment to) it can take quite a while to move through and there can be a definite level of hostility (the big stuff is rare but does and has happened).

But overall I just don't find that the end point for me is pleasure with it, its more acceptance.. .at the most maybe satisfaction with myself.

quote:

How do you find this balance in your own relationships? As dominants do you consciously recognize the need to find this balance? As a submissive do you understand the balance you need between doing things that challenge and things that give you pleasure?

My tendency in general is to get bored easily and thus take on challenges. I'm pretty good at recognizing that I do need pleasures in life to balance me, but I don't really look to my owner for that (though he certainly does provide quite a bit of the pleasures I enjoy in life).

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 9:07:58 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

Veronica if your Mistress ever wants to give you up (and you're real tired of shoveling snow!) I would just LOVE to have you come to NM and help around My house.

-----------------------

DEEP curtsey....

and blushing DEEP red..........

thank You, but THIS gurl has found herself a nice home...she is VERY happy here......
and pleased someone else feels she is worthy...

and turns on her 2 inch heels and walks away...smiling.....happy.

p/s
i corrected Your spelling in My...You forgot to use a cap...he he giggling

< Message edited by veronicaofML -- 12/25/2005 9:10:44 PM >

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to OscarHargraves)

Post #: 10

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 9:36:19 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

For me, it is important for the relationship to give sufficient pleasures that will balance out the challenges.

I very much agree with this statement, not just in terms of s/D relationship but ALL relationships and commitments.

Like LA, I often overcommit my time and energy (often because I know I am the only person that could POSSIBLY do this particular task effectively and I just HAVE to do it or the world will come to a grinding halt.) I have worked very had to step back and ask myself questions about why I choose to be involved with something -- or someone one -- what my motivations are, what are realistic expectations from me and for me, what priority does this take in my life, and so on. Is the pleasure worth the challenge/energy and if not, how can I fulfill my obligation and then delegate or extract myself approproiately.

One of the most difficult things for me is examining relationships with biological family members that simply are not healthy and determining what choices I should make in those situations.

quote:

have a tendency to work things far too complicated and not simply let go and BE.

I also am guilty of this. I have some wonderful friends that will overanalyze with me, and then we finally give up and go to Coldstone. :) One of my friends tends to end a lengthy discussion with a "So it is what it is." I have found myself using this phrase more and more, both to signal a discussion is over and just remind myself not to get to obsessively analytical all of the time. If I get really worked up over something relatively minor one partner of mine will command me, "Breathe!" It both good advice and a good signal.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 9:57:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips
and then we finally give up and go to Coldstone. :)

I could go on and on about Coldstone. My local partner introduced me to them for the first time in early November and I've been obsessed with them since (and converted my boyfriend). Those strawberry blondes are divine and I do a LOT to get that as a reward :)

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 12

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 10:10:40 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

I took my short people there yesterday and decided such creamy dairy divinity was wasted on their simple palettes. It is like a date ordering a $100 bottle of wine with our dinner. I just won't appreciate it the way I should.

(I apologize. Coldstone gets me off topic. Back to your regularly scheduled introspective programming.)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 10:18:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

I took my short people there yesterday and decided such creamy dairy divinity was wasted on their simple palettes. It is like a date ordering a $100 bottle of wine with our dinner. I just won't appreciate it the way I should.

(I apologize. Coldstone gets me off topic. Back to your regularly scheduled introspective programming.)

ROFL I said the EXACT same thing in my LJ last week:

After that we got Coldstone Creamery again. I was compelled to try a smoothie and DCS got their Strawberry Blonde.

Once again his choice won out as better tasting. Now I know. A family came in with a few young kids and I remarked that the CC was NOT a place I’d take kids to. I’d take them to McD’s or Baskin Robbins just for ice cream, but that CC was more like an LL Bean of ice cream (I’m using LL Bean as an indicator of status/cultural perspective more and more). Coldstone’s ice cream is so rich and their concotions have so many textures and flavors that blend in perfectly and freshly with eachother. And when you add the price on, it’s just something I think to be savored by those who know. Now I’m an ice cream snob as well.

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 14

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 10:28:58 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Ha ha. I pay $15 for ice cream, and the littlest is eating his boogers between bites. It is just not right.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/25/2005 10:50:53 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

But ya know...they are HUGE ....I could share a small or med one with all three of mine...and none of us would be hungry after.

I like the 'Founders Favorite' and 'Monkey Bites' they are both soooo yummy!!

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 16

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/26/2005 4:34:16 AM

sunshine333

Posts: 203
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Ha ha. I pay $15 for ice cream, and the littlest is eating his boogers between bites. It is just not right.

... cracks up! ...

oh, that is just too funny.

~sunshine

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 17

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/26/2005 6:29:22 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

How do you find this balance in your own relationships? As dominants do you consciously recognize the need to find this balance? As a submissive do you understand the balance you need between doing things that challenge and things that give you pleasure?

For me finding that balance means managing things... not allowing challenges (whether they are ones I created or ones life created) overwhelm a slave beyond what she can handle. If I see her floundering its time to step in. I create a safe place for her when things get to be too much. On the other hand I'm also there to make sure she doesn't run from challenges and kick her in the ass when she needs it. The same thing with pleasure... too much spoils her, not enough and she becomes frustrated. Where that line is differs with each slave, they're all individuals.

But there's truth in what LA said too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'm not sure what you are asking really. How do you find a balance between just being fulfilled and yet growing into who you will become?

By living.

To quote from Buffy TVS: "Life's not a song, life isn't bliss, life is just this- it's living."

Becoming who we will be, staying true to ourselves IS simply a constant challenge, because we ARE constantly becoming who we will be. How do we balance that by staying in the NOW? By embracing those little pleasures and quiet intimate boring moments? Simply by doing it.

You live life by doing, not by thinking about doing. Or as Kipling put it..
If you can dream and not make dreams your master,
If you can think and not make thoughts your aim.

We live life by doing, by facing its challenges and savoring its pleasures, by making the most of what we have. As a dominant I might sometimes be a bit of a lifeguard or a coach... but that's as far as it goes. To borrow from another poem...

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act,, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

As a dominant, I consider it part of my job to help any slave in my care find herself farther along on each tomorrow than she was today. And though there will be times a pleasure, that isn't the goal... and though there will be times of pain, that too isn't the goal. The flame burns, but I've been through the fire and if she'll trust me I'll bring her through it too. I won't promise that the fire will never burn, it will... but I won't let it burn too much. I won't promise life will always be a bed of roses, it won't, but that doesn't mean there won't be times when it will be pure pleasure.

Where's the balance... in trying to make sure life isn't all pain, nor all pleasure... but somewhere in between.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Challenges Balanced with Pleasures - 12/26/2005 1:22:36 PM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

Ha ha. I pay $15 for ice cream, and the littlest is eating his boogers between bites. It is just not right.

Haha....a classic post.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 19

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