Help! the role of kink in my vanilla life

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Help! the role of kink in my vanilla life - 12/1/2008 12:36:31 PM

nichelle

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Joined: 12/1/2008
From: Philly
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Preface: A long, confusing post.. I tried to make it more story-style and less stream-of-consciousness-style, but I was only partly successful. My apologies in advance for anything that may take a couple of read-throughs....
edit: now with paragraphs! (still confusing as ever, if you ask me..)

Unfortunately, I'm pretty certain that all my answers lie within myself, and outside advice is pretty irrelevant at this point, but I feel so lost and I don't know where else to go for guidance, so here I am, and here's my story:
It will be 3 years ago this March that I met my current boyfriend. He's a wonderful guy, different from most other people I've ever met - so loving and caring, great friend, would do ANYTHING for me. We quickly "fell in love" (I'm still confused by all this romance terminology.. I think we were in love... are we still in love? I don't know but let me just continue..) and my most successful relationship up to this point ensued. About a year and a half later I cheated on him.
Cheating is not something new to me, but I had thought for a little bit that maybe I was finally done with it. But no, as before, I was eventually unable to resist the temptation. This time, however, I met up with a boy (I'll call him N) from a BDSM yahoo group I joined one rainy day when I was bored and horny and browsing fetish-related websites. We had dinner and walked around campus, instantly hitting it off. I knew that night I had no other choice but to be honest with him, and told him that I really enjoyed his company and would love to pursue a sexual relationship with him, but that I had a boyfriend who I loved. I also told him that my sexuality is something that I didn't fully understand, but that I knew something was missing. My bf and I had great sex, there was no denying that. But something was missing, and I would just keep cheating and fucking new boys, looking for that same surge of adrenaline and endorphines that comes with having a new partner, or breaking the law, or jumping out of a plane, or getting chocked or tied up......... I don't really know what it is, exactly.... I haven't noticed a particular lack of willpower in other aspects of my life, but I find myself helpless to resist some sexual temptations....
So in an attempt to fill the void, I proposed a sexual relationship with N. I could tell he was disappointed that I would only give him my body and nothing else, but he accepted anyway - it had been very difficult for him to find sexual partners of similar age and interests. Inevitably, as you might have guessed, we both developed feelings for each other. My bf (B) and I went through a couple break-ups and make-ups, as I struggled to define what I needed from a romantic partner. I knew that N and I weren't meant for each other for nonsexual reasons, and began to isolate myself from him. He didnt seem to understand that we would never work in a serious long term relationship and when I couldnt get it across to him in words I just started making myself scarce. It was pretty painful for both of us, and when I was away for a month he found himself a freshman also on a desperate search for a longterm parnter (what is with these people?? haha). The only problem was that she was vanilla. The poor kid was soo desperate for a girl to love him, and he finally found a girl desperate for a boy to love, and he can't even fuck her like he wants. So, afer weeks of agonizing over it, he posts for advice on here, you all tell him "hey, just talk to her about it (duh!), if she really likes you and is worth pursuing she'll definitely give it a try and will probably even like it!" Lo and behold, she does (i knew she would, as much as i hated to admit it to myself), and they live happily ever after, the end.
Except here I am, still with no idea what I need, what I need, or what exactly is "wrong" with me...... I'm still on and off with B, still cheating, and still not sure what this whole "in love" business is about. I know I love B. But is it the best decision to spend the rest of my life with him? I don't think so, but it pains me so much to voice that aloud.... If we continue as we are now we will eventually fail, one way or another. But is the answer to give up on him and accept that while he may be the best friend I could ever have, he is not fit to be my life partner (maybe i shouldn't even have a life partner...??)? Or do I find a way to make B and myself work? How? It's one thing to ask a girl who already worships the ground her boy walks on (as in N and his new girl's case) to take it a step further and try worshiping him in bed. But I am the dominant personality in B's and my relationship. I am more confident and have the upper hand, as is typical of my relationships (even with N). He will do anything I ask...which totally takes the fun out of it! (And even beyond fun, there is a part of me toying with the possibility that I would do best in TPE type 24/7 relationship, one in which my parnter would be dominant in all aspects, not just sexually... but one thing at a time i guess...). I want him to do it because HE enjoys it.... because if i know he's just doing it for me and would rather not do it, its not enjoyable for me. i want him to do what he wants, seperate of my wants, and i want what he wants to be what i want him to do... what an absurd statement! And it is around this circle that my thoughts go, endlessly.... at this point I think its time for an emoticon and a rest.. thanks for getting through my ramblings!

I welcome any advice you may have, but I expect nothing. I do have a life outside the internet, and not much of one inside it, so if i broke any messageboard protocols or whatnot, sorry.....

Thanks for reading!

Nichelle

< Message edited by nichelle -- 12/1/2008 12:45:24 PM >

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RE: Help! the role of kink in my vanilla life - 12/1/2008 2:09:35 PM

moonvine

Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
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1. You're 22. You don't need to decide who you are going to spend the rest of your life with today, or tomorrow, or next month.

2. If you are going to cheat on this poor guy, especially repeatedly, please, please, please break up with him and pursue multiple casual relationships, or whatever it is you want to do. If you are actually cheating on him, and not in an open relationship, as seems to be the case from your post, you're being really really unfair to him. and not IMHO acting in a manner that a best friend or a lover should.

3. If you actually are submissive, and I can't determine this for you from a message board posting, you are not going to be happy long term with a submissive man, unless both of you mutually decide to get those needs met elsewhere.

All of this is my opinion only and worth what you paid for it....

(in reply to nichelle)

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RE: Help! the role of kink in my vanilla life - 12/1/2008 3:57:04 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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Ok... I've spent a lot of years providing pastoral care for struggling individuals in shaky relationships -- but since I don't know you personally, and don't have any of the backstory, all I can give you is a glimpse of what I see at first look through your ramblings.

1. You seem to be an intensity slut... you're looking for that adrenaline high, which, in some cases, you're meeting through what we call "NRE" or New Relationship Energy.

2. You're not what I'd say, at first look, is a submissive... I'd put you more in the general field of 'bottom', but even closer would be 'experientialist'... someone who is out for the thrill of new experiences. This is -not- the mindset for lifelong relationships -- it's the mindset for a person who craves intense experiences, and who is going to be bored as soon as the 'new' wears off.

3. While I am sure that you feel a measure of affection for this person that you're with, I am -not- sure how much of that is guilt, and how much of it is the desire to be 'mainstream' and just get down to the business of being in a steady relationship.... but what it -doesn't- seem to be is love, and the reality seems to be more that you are denying your own desire to have a more casual relationship, -and- you are stringing this other person along with emotions that you can't explain but which are not geared towards settling down by any stretch of the imagination.

You don't need to figure it out today. What you -do- need to do is get a grip on your integrity, and start being honest with yourself and the other people around you. You're not in a position to marry this guy, or even contemplate an exclusive relationship, so let the poor guy go so he can find someone with whom he -can- develop that, since he's clearly looking for it. For yourself, I think that you might find that spending some time on the poly board, attending some local poly society meetings and maybe even some BDSM group meetings in your area, and letting yourself experience until you've had a chance to see enough to get a feel for what you want sounds like a really good option for someone in your position.

Last but not least, enjoy your flexibility. Whether you believe it or not, being an experientialist and having the capacity to really -enjoy- the intensity and variety of what's out there is a real bonus. There's no hurry... you have -years- before you have to worry about whether or not 'settling down' is going to be a good thing for you. Right now, it's perfectly appropriate to explore--just be aware, do your research, and give yourself permission to be exactly who you are... because who you are is just right for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 12/1/2008 3:58:10 PM >

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RE: Help! the role of kink in my vanilla life - 12/1/2008 4:50:47 PM

SirJeremy

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Joined: 11/27/2008
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you may have some very strong feelings for your current bf, but it certainly doesn't sound like "love" ... and there is nothing wrong with that. Just like there is nothing wrong with you - just because you haven't found the right fit does not mean it doesn't exist. Only knowing about two of your relationships it is impossible to detect a pattern. The only sure thing is that you are not compatible with your current bf - especially if he has tried to please you sexually in the ways you ask but you still cheat on him.

There are many types of love, so don't allow that word to cloud your judgment and prolong things... which will only hurt the man you 'love' more. I would echo the consensus that, at 22, you need not be in a hurry to settle down... take your time, experiment, figure out what you need and desire - what can you live with? what can't you live without?

I have not heard of this addiction to 'nre' before... but it is an interesting concept. It may fit if you look back at things... again, with only two listed, it is difficult to say.

The fact that you can ask the question, means you have all the tools needed to find the answer... best of luck

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RE: Help! the role of kink in my vanilla life - 12/1/2008 5:27:06 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Maybe you just aren't ready for a monogamous relationship at this point. Maybe you never will be.

But I wonder if your continual cheating isn't a way to protect yourself. If you really committed to your boyfriend, then he would have immense power to hurt you. Because all of your heart would be invested in the relationship and therefore if he ended it you would be badly hurt. So by spreading physical intimacy among many different people, you also don't give 100% of your emotional vulnerability and that protects you.

However eventually he will find out and end it and you will discover that in an effort to avoid him hurting you, you actually caused that to happen.

You're at school. They have a counseling center. Go take advantage of it.

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RE: Help! the role of kink in my vanilla life - 12/1/2008 5:37:01 PM

MrHarsh

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You cheat because your boyfriend does not offer you everything that you need. There is something missing from your relationship so you go elsewhere to find it. I cannot say what it is because I really don't know you that well, but you might not even know yourself.

And you get back together with your boyfriend because you are in a "comfort zone" with him that you don't want to leave. That is, you are so used to being with him that being without him "just feels wrong". So you go back into the same unsatisfying relationship. It feels good because it's what you're used to, but ultimately there's something missing, so you go back out and look for it.

It's been said a couple times already, so let me just repeat it in my own words ...

You're still fairly young and don't understand your own needs right now. That's ok. Your current relationship isn't working, so I think that it's best for *both* of you to move on and do some searching. Right now you're wasting each other's time by trying to stay in a relationship that just doesn't seem to work. You need to go out and find a better fit - whatever that means. Honestly, I don't think you know your own needs and desires well enough to find your perfect partner, so you might just want to explore a little bit.

(in reply to SirJeremy)

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