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nichelle -> Help! the role of kink in my vanilla life (12/1/2008 12:36:31 PM)
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Preface: A long, confusing post.. I tried to make it more story-style and less stream-of-consciousness-style, but I was only partly successful. My apologies in advance for anything that may take a couple of read-throughs....
edit: now with paragraphs! (still confusing as ever, if you ask me..)
Unfortunately, I'm pretty certain that all my answers lie within myself, and outside advice is pretty irrelevant at this point, but I feel so lost and I don't know where else to go for guidance, so here I am, and here's my story:
It will be 3 years ago this March that I met my current boyfriend. He's a wonderful guy, different from most other people I've ever met - so loving and caring, great friend, would do ANYTHING for me. We quickly "fell in love" (I'm still confused by all this romance terminology.. I think we were in love... are we still in love? I don't know but let me just continue..) and my most successful relationship up to this point ensued. About a year and a half later I cheated on him.
Cheating is not something new to me, but I had thought for a little bit that maybe I was finally done with it. But no, as before, I was eventually unable to resist the temptation. This time, however, I met up with a boy (I'll call him N) from a BDSM yahoo group I joined one rainy day when I was bored and horny and browsing fetish-related websites. We had dinner and walked around campus, instantly hitting it off. I knew that night I had no other choice but to be honest with him, and told him that I really enjoyed his company and would love to pursue a sexual relationship with him, but that I had a boyfriend who I loved. I also told him that my sexuality is something that I didn't fully understand, but that I knew something was missing. My bf and I had great sex, there was no denying that. But something was missing, and I would just keep cheating and fucking new boys, looking for that same surge of adrenaline and endorphines that comes with having a new partner, or breaking the law, or jumping out of a plane, or getting chocked or tied up......... I don't really know what it is, exactly.... I haven't noticed a particular lack of willpower in other aspects of my life, but I find myself helpless to resist some sexual temptations....
So in an attempt to fill the void, I proposed a sexual relationship with N. I could tell he was disappointed that I would only give him my body and nothing else, but he accepted anyway - it had been very difficult for him to find sexual partners of similar age and interests. Inevitably, as you might have guessed, we both developed feelings for each other. My bf (B) and I went through a couple break-ups and make-ups, as I struggled to define what I needed from a romantic partner. I knew that N and I weren't meant for each other for nonsexual reasons, and began to isolate myself from him. He didnt seem to understand that we would never work in a serious long term relationship and when I couldnt get it across to him in words I just started making myself scarce. It was pretty painful for both of us, and when I was away for a month he found himself a freshman also on a desperate search for a longterm parnter (what is with these people?? haha). The only problem was that she was vanilla. The poor kid was soo desperate for a girl to love him, and he finally found a girl desperate for a boy to love, and he can't even fuck her like he wants. So, afer weeks of agonizing over it, he posts for advice on here, you all tell him "hey, just talk to her about it (duh!), if she really likes you and is worth pursuing she'll definitely give it a try and will probably even like it!" Lo and behold, she does (i knew she would, as much as i hated to admit it to myself), and they live happily ever after, the end.
Except here I am, still with no idea what I need, what I need, or what exactly is "wrong" with me...... I'm still on and off with B, still cheating, and still not sure what this whole "in love" business is about. I know I love B. But is it the best decision to spend the rest of my life with him? I don't think so, but it pains me so much to voice that aloud.... If we continue as we are now we will eventually fail, one way or another. But is the answer to give up on him and accept that while he may be the best friend I could ever have, he is not fit to be my life partner (maybe i shouldn't even have a life partner...??)? Or do I find a way to make B and myself work? How? It's one thing to ask a girl who already worships the ground her boy walks on (as in N and his new girl's case) to take it a step further and try worshiping him in bed. But I am the dominant personality in B's and my relationship. I am more confident and have the upper hand, as is typical of my relationships (even with N). He will do anything I ask...which totally takes the fun out of it! (And even beyond fun, there is a part of me toying with the possibility that I would do best in TPE type 24/7 relationship, one in which my parnter would be dominant in all aspects, not just sexually... but one thing at a time i guess...). I want him to do it because HE enjoys it.... because if i know he's just doing it for me and would rather not do it, its not enjoyable for me. i want him to do what he wants, seperate of my wants, and i want what he wants to be what i want him to do... what an absurd statement! And it is around this circle that my thoughts go, endlessly.... at this point I think its time for an emoticon and a rest.. thanks for getting through my ramblings! [sm=bury.gif]
I welcome any advice you may have, but I expect nothing. I do have a life outside the internet, and not much of one inside it, so if i broke any messageboard protocols or whatnot, sorry.....
Thanks for reading!
Nichelle
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