Self Improvement for Dominants (Full Version)

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mastersslave247 -> Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 5:21:48 AM)

I want to focus on the ways that I can improve myself and my ability to improve the relationship. The following is a rough draft. I welcome others input. *****
I am committed to continual self reflection in how to improve in all areas of life.

I take full responsibility for my slave. I look for ways to improve how I protect her and support her physical, mental and emotional health.

I take full responsibility for the direction of the relationship.

I am committed to enforcing and reviewing our Slave contract.

I look for ways to improve and refine my control over her. How can I be more assertive and controlling in a sustainable and supportive way?

I am committed to improving my technical BDSM skills such as bondage, cropping, caning, flogging, whipping, clamping, etc and my ability to apply them in an erotic fashion.

Pre-poly preparations: I will prepare us for poly through utilizing every opportunity to grow and learn about what is going to work in a polygamous relationship. At this time things that come up through friendship with other women are opportunities for growth and learning.

Protocol enforcement and review. I accept responsibility for enforcing the protocols that we now have and to review the protocols as they may be changed, added and/or subtracted as the need arises over time.

***** Once again. This is a rough draft. Your input is appreciated.

Master V



Aileen1968 -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 5:51:20 AM)

Seems like too much time is wasted on worrying about the rules instead of enjoying the emotions and learning and growing from touching and talking.



Rover -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 7:00:02 AM)

I certainly appreciate your desire for self-improvement, but creating unrealistic expectations isn't going to improve you so much as frustrate you.
 
No one can take on full responsibility for another, or for a relationship (even a power exchange relationship).  You can only take on full responsibility for yourself, and your half of the relationship.  Finding a partner that will be equally responsible for themselves and their half of the relationship would help, but you can't make them responsible (or be responsible for them) if they are not.
 
John



chamberqueen -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 7:09:32 AM)

I agree with Rover.  I also have a suggestion for the poly.

When adding a new person to the mix it is very important that the original partner knows that she is as appreciated as ever.  Even if I woman feels that she is completely ready for this she can have moments when she feels frustrated that she is not enough for her Master and this can lead to sadness or small signs of rebellion.  You might want to add to your poly statement that you will do your best to make sure that each sub or slave feels truly appreciated and cared for and that you will watch for any signs of dissension.



NorthernGent -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 7:37:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mastersslave247

I am committed to continual self reflection in how to improve in all areas of life.



I strike a balance between improvement and contentment. It's worth bearing in mind, too, that continuous evaluation is energy sapping. Perhaps it would be useful to focus on the important areas.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mastersslave247

I take full responsibility for my slave. I look for ways to improve how I protect her and support her physical, mental and emotional health.



Agreed. Total authority demands total responsibility.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mastersslave247

I take full responsibility for the direction of the relationship.



Agreed. You're in charge, so the onus is on you to steer the ship in the right direction.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mastersslave247

I am committed to enforcing and reviewing our Slave contract.



Enforcing? yes. You're in charge.

Reviewing? Depends on your slave's character; including her in the review process may ward off an unhappy crew.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mastersslave247

I look for ways to improve and refine my control over her. How can I be more assertive and controlling in a sustainable and supportive way?



I think you've covered this in the 'maintaining her well being' statement.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mastersslave247

I am committed to improving my technical BDSM skills such as bondage, cropping, caning, flogging, whipping, clamping, etc and my ability to apply them in an erotic fashion.



Agreed. This is one of the important areas for reflection. 

Sounds pretty good to me. Assuming this is a code of personal ethics, how about including a commitment toward others that you'll keep your relationship private. I'd add something around discipline, too; no good setting out the rules and regulations without including a note on the consequences of not adhering to said rules - this will act as a reminder. Also, I'd structure it along the lines of: a) this is the objective b) this is how we're going to achieve it c) these are the incentives (rewards, discipline, punishment etc).



KnightofMists -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 7:41:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

I certainly appreciate your desire for self-improvement, but creating unrealistic expectations isn't going to improve you so much as frustrate you.
 
No one can take on full responsibility for another, or for a relationship (even a power exchange relationship).  You can only take on full responsibility for yourself, and your half of the relationship.  Finding a partner that will be equally responsible for themselves and their half of the relationship would help, but you can't make them responsible (or be responsible for them) if they are not.
 
John


I agree with this....

I just settle  with "Take full responsibility for my own choices and always strive to be a better me"  It's not pretty or overly romantic... but its a rather good base for me.



celticlord2112 -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 10:21:30 AM)

quote:


I take full responsibility for the direction of the relationship.

My two cents on this is....DON'T!

Either all parties to a relationship are responsible for its direction or there is no relationship.



yourMissTress -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 12:07:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

I certainly appreciate your desire for self-improvement, but creating unrealistic expectations isn't going to improve you so much as frustrate you.
 
No one can take on full responsibility for another, or for a relationship (even a power exchange relationship).  You can only take on full responsibility for yourself, and your half of the relationship.  Finding a partner that will be equally responsible for themselves and their half of the relationship would help, but you can't make them responsible (or be responsible for them) if they are not.
 
John


I agree with these sentiments.  You are only responsible for you, and you can only take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.  You can take responsibility for who you are and how you conduct yourself in a relationship and the ways in which you guide the relationship. 
 
Taking responsibility for the direction that relationship actually goes in would be a possibly self defeating endeavor.  You and your partner are going to grow and change within the relationship, the direction in which your partner grows and changes is not something you can control.  You can guide, but you cannot control to the extent that you bear the responsibility.
 
My suggestion, is to take an inventory of yourself, your reactions, your actions, and decide what is useful and what is harmful.  Take steps to foster those things that you like and find productive, and to improve the things that you find harmful to yourself and your interactions with others.  Centering self improvement around a relationship is not a good idea.



sexisubi -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 1:25:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

I certainly appreciate your desire for self-improvement, but creating unrealistic expectations isn't going to improve you so much as frustrate you.
 
No one can take on full responsibility for another, or for a relationship (even a power exchange relationship).  You can only take on full responsibility for yourself, and your half of the relationship.  Finding a partner that will be equally responsible for themselves and their half of the relationship would help, but you can't make them responsible (or be responsible for them) if they are not.
 
John


I agree with these sentiments.  You are only responsible for you, and you can only take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.  You can take responsibility for who you are and how you conduct yourself in a relationship and the ways in which you guide the relationship. 
 
Taking responsibility for the direction that relationship actually goes in would be a possibly self defeating endeavor.  You and your partner are going to grow and change within the relationship, the direction in which your partner grows and changes is not something you can control.  You can guide, but you cannot control to the extent that you bear the responsibility.
 
My suggestion, is to take an inventory of yourself, your reactions, your actions, and decide what is useful and what is harmful.  Take steps to foster those things that you like and find productive, and to improve the things that you find harmful to yourself and your interactions with others.  Centering self improvement around a relationship is not a good idea.


'to improve and refine your control' is to improve and refine yourself.

'I look for ways to improve how I protect her and support her physical, mental and emotional health.' supporting is good, understanding there are some things that will never change and you can not fully protect is another skill that one must master. Sometimes it's helpful to know that a flaw one wants to change might not be one that they can change. it is then a matter of living with the 'issue,' or putting a possitive spin on it. However, i also thinks it's wonderful that you want to take time and refine, great place to start. =)



mastersslave247 -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 3:07:19 PM)



Seems like too much time is wasted on worrying about the rules instead of enjoying the emotions and learning and growing from touching and talking.

**

There is plenty of emotion, touching and talking in the relationship but clearly that is lacking in the way I articulated it.



rachel529 -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 4:26:55 PM)

in reality, isnt seeking input from others one of the best ways to grow?  there are many books you can get to read also...



MidMichCowboy -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 5:30:31 PM)

Ah hell, I'm just a barbarian. I like you, I'll ravish you. I will love you, cuddle you and take you.

Improvement ... I usually don't do it in public anymore. That was a big concession for me.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 5:55:07 PM)

It behooves us to become better -people-... to strive to achieve our potential. So many of us underestimate ourselves, or make a conscious choice to maintain our ignorance in areas where it seems that too much might be required of us for that next step of growth. It isn't just as keepers or servants that we need to strive for growth... it is as people.

Yesterday, a mob of people crushed a salesperson in order to get to some "holiday joy" before their neighbors... they killed the sales person, who was probably pushing those extra hours to find some holiday for hir own family, and injured a woman and cost her family their unborn child. What possesses us to forget our humanity in our hunger for more, more, more at that level?

We need to grow as people, and to open ourselves to becoming more human and more humane... which, for those of us who are keepers and sadists, includes accepting responsibility for the choice that we've made to manage the lives of another person or persons and to fulfill our own natures as sadists and leaders in ways that nurture those who bind themselves to us.

While we cannot take responsibility for another person's day to day existence, even if that person is in bond to us, because xhe must, each day, re-embrace hir submission, we can do our best to be that person who fully embraces our own role in making the dynamic work. No healthy relationship rests entirely on one person's shoulders, but there is a measure of weight that rests on the shoulders of the keeper, as it rests on the shoulders of any leader in any dynamic.

Thank you, masterslave247, for sharing your goals. You've reminded me of how crucial it is for me to make -concrete- the goals for my own progress over the coming days, weeks, seasons, and years.




MadRabbit -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 7:30:23 PM)

I just rely on my general self awareness to guide me to what areas I need to improve in. Beyond that to specifics, it begins when I am presented with a situation where the results were negative or not the results I wanted. Then I reflect on what I did during that situation and what I could have done differently. From that, I learn what I need to improve on or not improve on.

I prefer the "If it's not broken, don't fix it" appraoch to life, but if there is something that is resulting in a serious negative or drain on the overall quality of my life or the people important to me, then it's time for change.



sujuguete -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/29/2008 8:19:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress
You can guide, but you cannot control to the extent that you bear the responsibility.


quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

Total authority demands total responsibility.


This concept has been debated before - how much responsibility the D-type assumes in a relationship.  I see it as a direct correlation to the amount of control the Dom wants to have.  The more control someone exercises and the more rights and decisions that are taken away from the s-type, the more responsibility the Dom must assume.

How can a Dom say he wants complete control and authority over his sub's actions, yet insist that the sub remain responsible for those actions?



NorthernGent -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/30/2008 4:36:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sujuguete

How can a Dom say he wants complete control and authority over his sub's actions, yet insist that the sub remain responsible for those actions?



It is possible to accept overall responsibility for the relationship and her well being, while encouraging her to help herself. I do not see the two as mutually exclusive.

A businessman stands or falls on the success of his business: yes, his employees contribute; yes, they are encouraged to improve in order to maximise the success of the business; the buck, however, stops with him; he accepts the rewards from success, and it follows thus he must accept the responsibility of failure. The other argument? accepting shared responsibility? 'Sounds like a joint venture where both parties share the profits, risk and rewards........ and share authority.



pompeii -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/30/2008 5:06:29 AM)

My only rule, and, it's basically a pragmatic one due to refractory dulling of the Doministic urges, is that she orgasm first, then me.



Rover -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/30/2008 6:24:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sujuguete

How can a Dom say he wants complete control and authority over his sub's actions, yet insist that the sub remain responsible for those actions?


Actually, that's not stating the issue quite "right" in my view.  I want total authority to control a submissive (if I so choose to).  It's her responsibililty to give me that authority, and I rely upon her to be responsible enough to fulfill my instructions.  If she is not, it's like trying to control a housecat.  Good luck with that.

In return, I would propose that it's impossible to exert control upon a submissive/slave that is irresponsible.
 
John



mastersslave247 -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/30/2008 6:26:40 AM)

No one can take on full responsibility for another, or for a relationship (even a power exchange relationship).  You can only take on full responsibility for yourself, and your half of the relationship.  Finding a partner that will be equally responsible for themselves and their half of the relationship would help, but you can't make them responsible (or be responsible for them) if they are not.


***
I recognize that saying full responsibility is extreme. Being in my 3rd year of a live in 24/7 M/s relationship I very often bump up against reality that is not always in alignment with M/s ideals. I think it is a mindset and a concise way of saying it. I realize the more accurate way of saying it would be "I take full responsibility for my slave within the limitations of physical reality, modern society and a consensual relationship" It gets a bit wordy but it is more accurate.



Rover -> RE: Self Improvement for Dominants (11/30/2008 6:34:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

A businessman stands or falls on the success of his business: yes, his employees contribute; yes, they are encouraged to improve in order to maximise the success of the business; the buck, however, stops with him; he accepts the rewards from success, and it follows thus he must accept the responsibility of failure. The other argument? accepting shared responsibility? 'Sounds like a joint venture where both parties share the profits, risk and rewards........ and share authority.


Not entirely a good analogy.  If a CEO believes an employee is not fulfilling their obligations, they may be replaced.  So if you're using this analogy, you have to allow for the Dominant to replace the submissive/slave without such action negatively impacting the Dominant's responsibility (in fact, you could make the argument that both the Dominant and CEO are responsible to make the change).
 
The other reason this analogy doesn't work is that the CEO is answerable to someone else... a board, stockholders, etc. whereas a Dominant is not.  And if you're talking about a sole proprietor, then he/she is responsible only to themself and may keep poor performing employees for any reason (might be a brother in law, after all).  Similarly, a Dominant may keep an underperforming submissive/slave for any reason they desire.  There's no obligation that they do otherwise.
 
John



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