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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/25/2008 9:13:01 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Status: offline 		Padriag hey I'm around ;)

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/25/2008 9:15:47 PM   
everhope


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Status: offline 		i am in wonder that a calculated amount time is what determines long term....some say 2 years, some say till death.
i say it is the intent upon what the relationship is based on.

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 1:53:26 AM   
JustDarkness


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Status: offline 		isn't the goal of a relation always long time?

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 3:52:27 AM   
eyesopened


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quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

isn't the goal of a relation always long time?


No.  I've had fabulous relationships where time wasn't part of the goal at all.  With my first Dominant the goal was simply to provide each other with new sensations and new experiences.  Long term wasn't mentioned, necessary or even desired.  That we were able to have fresh and exciting weekends over the couse of 14 months was just the time it took before it got to stale and routine. 

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 5:05:03 AM   
colouredin


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Status: offline 		long term to me is after two months, because pretty much all of my relationships fall apart at the two month period. I think that people can be more balanced after 6 months than others are after two years, its completely relative

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 5:14:47 AM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


That doesn't mean forever, but I think people seeking forever don't have the right perspective.


This is what I have come to believe, as well. I believe people come into our lives for a given period of time, and if we can accept that, and enjoy "what is" in the moment, then we aren't putting false expectations of "forever" on each other. It may go on forever, but it might not, and that's ok. I don't want to think about forever, or what's to come in 10 years, or even 5. I want to enjoy what is happening right now.


Amen, sister!


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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 5:46:20 AM   
JustDarkness


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Status: offline 		mmm good point
guess it also depends on what you see as a relation..and what goal it has

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 7:24:19 AM   
MasterKeeps


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Status: offline 		Thank you all for your responses! Notice that there is a substantial difference in the perceptions of men and women here. I do think that this fundamental disagreement can sometimes lie at the root of our essential discord.

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 7:37:09 AM   
lusciouslips19


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Status: offline 		When I got back with my Warden he had stated that he didnt want it to be like before and he wanted a LTR. I did wonder what he meant by that. How long is "long term"? But one thing that is more important than knowing what that term means is the intent. His intent finally matching my intent and his desire to make every day better than the one before in a growing relationship. That I think is what defines long term. That desire to make each day better. We dont always meet that goal but having the intent is very important, I think.

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 9:43:08 AM   
LaTigresse


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Status: offline 		To me, long term is till death do us part. Unfortunately that comes far too soon for some.

It would be interesting to hear from more poly people on this also.

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 10:05:29 AM   
SirDominic


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Status: offline 		I'm not really poly, Tigresse, but I do have both a wife and a slave, which are separate relationships. With my wife, our wedding vows included "For as long as our love shall last" rather than the standard "till death" line. It's 22 years later, and we are still very much in love, which I think would classify as long term by anyone's standard.

With my slave, opensoul, although our vows were very different, the sentiment behind them is the same. I want her in my life for as long as she wants to be in my life. I don't enter into deeply intimate relationships, BDSM or otherwise, easily, so when someone that special comes along, I look forward to the long term.



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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 11:01:05 AM   
juliaoceania


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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I am surprised how many people define "long term" as being death do they part. Under that definition only one person out of the couple will ever know for sure if their relationship is a long term one. I am not saying these people are wrong about their personal definition, because if that is how they feel, that is how they feel. I just find it kinda sad that half the people here that list the definition as "death parting" them will never know if they have that. Never know for sure until one of ya kicks the bucket. You can think you know, but you never know. I have a cousin whose ex wife fell in a wading pool and lost all of her adult memories... including marrying him, meeting him. Their marriage stumbled along for 5 years, but she left him because she did not fall back in love with him... we just never know what is going to happen.

I have seen marriages over 20 years evaporate into divorce, and there are some people that lose their mate to some disease before they say "I do" or before their wedding rings are paid off. I would have a hard time telling a woman who put her hubby through college, had 5 kids with him, and was left for a woman half her age that her marriage was not "long term"/




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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 11:46:23 AM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

I'm not really poly, Tigresse, but I do have both a wife and a slave, which are separate relationships. With my wife, our wedding vows included "For as long as our love shall last" rather than the standard "till death" line. It's 22 years later, and we are still very much in love, which I think would classify as long term by anyone's standard.



I love that - "for as long as our love shall last."

I used to be a believer in "till death do us part" and "forever." When I stopped believing that, I felt sad, as though I had lost something. But I don't see it as a loss anymore; rather, I think I just gained a new perspective. Maybe it's a protective thing, where I won't be let down if/when something doesn't last "forever" again. In any case, I'm at peace with that perspective now.

I think many of us look at "until death" because that's how marriages/ltr's were always approached - it's tradition. It's something we hope for because we don't want that feeling of intense love and joy to ever go away, and, at the time, we truly don't think it ever will. I just don't see it as realistic anymore. It's a romantic notion that seldom comes to pass anymore. Jeez, am I sounding like a downer here?! I think when it happens, it's a beautiful thing, but I don't expect it. So often I see (and this is what happened to me, too) that people hang onto a relationship they are no longer happy in because of their commitment to meet that goal, and end up unfulfilled together. Life is so short, really, and I would not want to spend it with someone I wasn't truly happy with, nor would I want someone with me who would be happier elsewhere.

Wow, I feel like I put a damper on this thread - sorry!!

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/26/2008 12:29:57 PM   
JustDarkness


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Status: offline 		actually I never think about the time part of a relation....I am just in a relation or not.

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/27/2008 8:34:39 AM   
SirDominic


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Status: offline 		Of course, if we were to be cynical, there is the infamous line "All marriages end in divorce, it's just that sometimes one partner dies before it happens".

That is a very, very loose translation. I couldn't find the exact phrase or who said it, but I always thought it was hilarious in a dark humor sort of way.

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/27/2008 11:34:26 AM   
akisha


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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

For me, I see a relationship as "in embryo" years 1-3 or so
years 4-7 is a "stable relationship" in my mind.
8+ is long term.

I've never entered into any relationship in my life that I didn't intend to last forever. Sadly, I've noticed that god doesn't pay particularly close attention to my wishes and desires so I don't always get what I hoped.


Wow going by your scale i have never been in a long term relationship *S*  So far the two longest ended about mid stable relationship phase. hehe

OP, for me, i calssify longeterm anything over a year living together.
I have entered into more casual relationships knowing they would not last forever, but i have never entered into a meaningful relationship expecting it to only last a certain amount of time.

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RE: Qualities of an LTR - 10/27/2008 12:03:43 PM   
FRSguy


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Status: offline 		Great question.  I always kind of wondered how others defined it because I always seem to hear it referenced everywhere but no one really seems to clearly define it especially in literature where they give advise or talk about relationship.   For the most part I define a long-term relationship as being such after a year. The reason for this is that I feel that most of the bullshit in a relationships is dealt with that first year and after such the couple seems to kind of settle in mainly when it comes to the personality issues of just getting along with one another and setting the relationship dynamics into something that is acceptable by the people involved.  
I generally enter into the relationship as a possible answer to the problem of finding someone that I can be completely free with as far as self expression and be a stable companion with for the rest of my life however I also feel that its next to impossible to find such a match and with all likelihood the relationship will fold at some point making it an almost futile attempt of perfection.

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