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Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/22/2008 11:02:44 PM   
Sexycelticlady


Posts: 112
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline 		Having only observed protocols and rituals a few times while watching people in dungeons I find myself intrigued by them. The people I am close to in the lifestyle do not employ them in their own relationships but it is a concept that interests me and I wish to learn more about the subject and thus wanted to ask the Doms and subs on this site what their experiences are.

To the Doms - do you employ protocols and rituals? If so, what are they and what do you think contribute to the dynamic between you and your sub? How do you go about teaching your sub those rituals and are they introduced early in the relationship or only after you get to know one another well?

To the subs - have you had any experience with regard to protocol and rituals? How do they make you feel? Do they enhance the feelings of submission? What do you feel you gain by doing them?
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 1:24:06 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sexycelticlady
To the subs - have you had any experience with regard to protocol and rituals? How do they make you feel? Do they enhance the feelings of submission? What do you feel you gain by doing them?



Everyone has experience with regard to them, they just may not realise it.  I don't see rituals or protocols particularly inherent of BDSM relationhips, rather they exist in all forms of relationships.  They exist to create a unique dimension to a relationship, to seperate one from the other.  They can be flamboyant, or discret.  Submission exists with or without them and I don't need anything to make me feel more anything.  The only person who can do that is oneself.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Sexycelticlady)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 4:50:46 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I'm in agreement with the.dark here.  All relationships (in all lifestyles) have rituals and protocols, though most are unaware of it (and don't call them by kewl names like "ritual" and "protocol").  Power exchange relationships do tend to be more aware of their existence, and perhaps as a result, more elaborate.
 
John

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Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Sexycelticlady)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 5:29:52 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		In my relationship there are not a lot of protocols.  Some got introduced right away, others have developed over time.  As an example, from the first session I knew that I was not to wear panties when meeting for a session and that I was to use the term Daddy to refer to my Dom.  Within a short time he decided I was  more slave than sub so Sir was used during sessions and Daddy or Sir were to be used during conversations or emails.  As time went on I was told that I was not to speak until spoken to during a session - which still is normally within the first 30 seconds or so. 

I actually initiated a few protocols without realizing it.  I was in a kneeling position, head to the floor, hands stretched in front of me in a prayerlike position and he liked it so much and was so touched that I did it without being asked that it is how he now likes to see me when possible. 

Protocol is more important in some relationships than in others.  It is not uncommon for subs to dress a certain way on a daily basis even when they will not be seeing their Dom.  There may be intricate rituals when a session first starts or for the end of one.  A high level of comfort can come along with following certain protocols or rituals - it is a familiar place, you have a high degree of confidence.  It is a way to show obedience and a good attitude.  While it is true that there is also protocol in many vanilla relationships I think that it can take on a much deeper meaning in a BDSM relationship.   


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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 6:00:34 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		The problem with ritual and protocol is that is must serve a need, many people go shopping for "cool stuff" and bring it home and try and force it into the relationship.  It must flow out of the relationship in a natural way.  Think of it as emotional foreplay.  What works beautifully for one relationship may not work at all for another.

In an early relationship of mine, in an attempt to declaw a rather nasty attitude, we invoked some ritual to ease her transition upon my arrival.  It didn't work because it set us up for failure.  The ritual was she was to open the door, eyes downcast and only look upon me after I reached out and lifted her chin.  Well, a busy working mother of a 2 year old couldn't always muster that at the drop of a hat (my arrivals due to travel time were rather random) and so it would frustrate us both.  Now part of that was due to the fact that were were both highly reactive to each other so failure on either part would cause drama.  Today, I would probably set the rule as two fold, she was to come to me when she was ready and present herself or I could request it (so that she was not in complete control of when and I could judge if she needed her chain yanked or if I should give her time to adjust, that whole delicate timing issue)

I have a hand signal that BSB knows the meaning of, when I give it to her it tells her to assume a certain position and ready herself.   I was frankly stunned at how flawlessly she executed it the first time I used it in public but oh my god did it make my cock hard and because of the subtlety with which it was all done it made me very very proud and impressed the hell out of someone who wasn't easy to impress.  (yeah, I can be shallow too)

A ritual I love is Sunday morning, getting up early, doing my best not to wake her.  Slipping into the kitchen to make a scrumptious omelette, English muffins, and tea.  Then waking her up slowly with little kisses and sitting in bed together sharing food with each other.  Then throwing clothes on to walk down to the farmer's market and buying food for the week. 

Another is sitting at a cafe I frequent and sharing stories and fixing the problems of the world during a long lazy morning.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 10/23/2008 6:12:09 AM >

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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 7:01:16 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Rituals can make things look magic and alien; it might enthrall or baffle an onlooker. Except for the show element I don’t much like it when it is like that; as if there is a secret club going on that only the initiated are invited too…I find it rather anti social…like that scene in eyes wide shut with all the masks in the castle, or the free masons thing or the mass in a catholic church…but some people absolutely love it.
 
If there are too many ridged rules made for me to stick too I feel claustrophobic and stifled and it hampers me, but just a few carefully crafted rules get me in exactly the right frame of mind.
It is very helpful sometimes to have a certain frame to work to. For example If I know exactly how I am required to open a letter to someone it will be easier to write what I have on my mind and less time is wasted.
On the otherhand if there would be a rule that i was never to wear panties i would find that stupid; as i have no time and money to waste on washing my jeans everyday or having to wear skirts instead and get bladder infections in winter.
 
Decency and politeness, the correct way to address someone or little things like asking how I may be of service to someone, open a door or take a coat, wearing the correct clothing for the job and stuff like that I find very important and helps me be more secure of myself and so a better sub

(in reply to Sexycelticlady)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 7:19:18 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

To the Doms - do you employ protocols and rituals? If so, what are they and what do you think contribute to the dynamic between you and your sub? How do you go about teaching your sub those rituals and are they introduced early in the relationship or only after you get to know one another well?


We incorporate protocols into our K/s (Keeper/servant) relationships. We have protocols of greeting, standard services, particular behaviors for being out in public and for being in the privacy of our home that reinforce the station between Keeper and servant.

We start out with a heavier balance of protocols in the beginning, as we've found that they reinforce the dynamic between us. At the point at which an individual accepts service with us, the protocols are set in place. They are enforced very heavily during training, but over time, as we relax with one another, some of the heavy protocols relax as well, and the dynamic between us becomes much more elastic over time. Servants who are only with us for a short time, or are with us -specifically- for protocol-heavy training, tea-service training, etc., may never get past the rigid, initial, high-protocol stage. Servants who have been with us for a year or more, and have truly integrated into the household will typically find that their place with us is -much- less rigid, and, as they see new servants coming in, we've heard that it becomes easier to see where things have relaxed.

What is very interesting is that sometimes, having fresh blood in the household makes for a nice occasional return to a -very- structured, high-protocol household, when servants who have been with us for a while find themselves drawn to a return to the higher-protocol experience of their early servitude. We've found that offering the opportunity to display/train newcomers to the household to servants who would like the opportunity to experience that more structured, intense, protocol-heavy service is good for both the new servant and the long-term servant, and is a true joy for us.


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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to Sexycelticlady)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 8:01:21 AM   
Sexycelticlady


Posts: 112
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline 		The Dark and John - I did not intend to imply that they were exclusive to bdsm relationships and it is a good point to make that other types of relationships can establish their own patterns. In my experience I have not had vanilla relationships with ritual and protocol involved, even though I was with my ex-husband for 10 years, things were always in too much of a flux with work and our home situation to enable us to establish something like that.

Thank you to all the people who have responded so far, it is very interesting reading about your own experiences and I agree with what some people have mentioned about it being dependant on the individuals involved as to what works and what doesn't.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 8:46:18 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sexycelticlady

In my experience I have not had vanilla relationships with ritual and protocol involved, even though I was with my ex-husband for 10 years, things were always in too much of a flux with work and our home situation to enable us to establish something like that.


Actually, I bet you did and weren't aware of it (as is the case in most vanilla relationships).  Did you have specific sides of the bed that each of you slept on?  That's a protocol.  Specific chairs at the dinner table?  Did you have a breakfast routine, or one for getting ready for bed?  That might be a ritual. 
 
They may be "routines" in vanilla relationships, and we give them fancy sounding names like "rituals" and "protocols" in BDSM cause it makes us feel so much kewler (is "kewler" a word?).
 
John

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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 8:54:54 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sexycelticlady

The Dark and John - I did not intend to imply that they were exclusive to bdsm relationships and it is a good point to make that other types of relationships can establish their own patterns. In my experience I have not had vanilla relationships with ritual and protocol involved, even though I was with my ex-husband for 10 years, things were always in too much of a flux with work and our home situation to enable us to establish something like that.


Oh I know you didn't imply it.  You asked for personal expereince regarding protocols and I gave mine.  It's all good.
 
I will agree with John (no we are tag-teaming)and say that you probably did have them even in the 10 years, even if you did not see it.
I even have rituals as an individual - particularly at different times of the day.  Rituals and protocols bring a sense of order to the chaos that can be life and give yourself or your relationships a grounding.
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 9:01:00 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover
They may be "routines" in vanilla relationships, and we give them fancy sounding names like "rituals" and "protocols" in BDSM cause it makes us feel so much kewler (is "kewler" a word?).
 
John


Kewl dude!  You are so there with it!  Now you just have to work on the whole 'TPE' into 'authority transfere' and you will be ultra hip.
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Rover)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 9:03:37 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Finally... I have achieved hipness (is that a word?)
 
John

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Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 9:06:08 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Finally... I have achieved hipness (is that a word?)
 
John


Hmmm...I just don't 'see' you as curvy (geddit? - oh god I am not on fire today)
If you dig flipflops, would that mean you have acheived 'hippiness'?
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 9:06:28 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Rituals give people comfort .  It is often a part of our every day lives.  I like them.  I need them.  Sometimes, I hate them too cause I don't want to do them and I feel lazy or tired or irritated. But they are also what works for me to keep me focused. 
 
and cause you all were asking... hmmmm
 
Tower Of Power - What Is Hip? Lyrics
Album:

So you wanna jump out yo trick bag,
Ease on into a hip bag.
But you ain't just exactly sure what's hip.

So you start to let your hair grow.
Spent big bucks on your wardrobe.
But somehow you know there's much more to the trip.

What is hip? Tell me tell me, if you think ya know.
What is hip? And if you're really hip, the passing years will show,
You into a hip trip, maybe hipper than hip.
But what is hip?

So you became part of the new breed.
Been smoking only the best weed.
Hanging out with so-called hippest set.
Been seen in all the right places,
Seen with just the right faces.
You should be satisfied,
But still it ain't quite right.

What is hip? Tell me tell me if you think you know.
What is hip? And if you're really hip.
The passing years would show,
You into a hip trip, maybe hipper than hip.
What is hip?

Hipness is
what it is!

Hipness is
what it is!

Hipness is
what it is!

Sometimes hipness is what it ain't!

You done went and found you a guru,
In an effort to find you a new you.
And maybe even managed to raise your conscience level.

As you're striving to find the right road,
There's one thing you should know:
What's hip today might become passe'.

What is hip? Tell me tell me if you think you know.
What is hip? And if you're really hip, the passing years would show
That you into a hip trip. Maybe hipper than hip.
WHAT IS HIP?

Think about it y'all!



 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9t_rkKetbI
 

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 10/23/2008 9:11:26 AM >

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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 9:11:57 AM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		What's really Kewl is that we can intentionally work at and develop kewl protocals specific to BDSM or D/s relationships.  

Yes, protocols and rituals develop and evol in vanilla relationships.  With what we do, we can put a little more focus and knowing engery into it.

Amazing though, many vanilla people have protocals and rituals too.  We are not all that different compared to many people, we are just more in touch with specific aspects of what we want out of life and how we enjoy or want to live it.  Hence, why it's often referred to as a "lifestyle". 

A lifestyle is not based upon BDSM or D/s alone, it's a fusion of everything you do, want and desire out of life.   Including vanilla concepts such as Hobbies, interests and non BDSM activities.   Just wrap everything up together and combine it.  WALA.. you have your own customed lifestyle that you are living.

(in reply to Sexycelticlady)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 9:24:55 AM   
bound4more


Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

To the subs - have you had any experience with regard to protocol and rituals? How do they make you feel? Do they enhance the feelings of submission? What do you feel you gain by doing them?


In our relationship, protocols and rituals enhance the dynamic of M/s. They serve as a reminder that I have agreed to serve as his submissive partner, not his equal, that the arrangement is that he holds the authority and I carry the responsibility, as well as the pleasure, of submitting to that authority. Since our lifestyle, day by day contains the same ingredients most nilla relationship do, i.e. cleaning, cooking, errands, chores and responsibilities - (No I'm not chained up all day just twiddling my thumbs till he beats me or whatever - lol), protocols and rituals serve to remind both of us that there is more desired and expected and we have not forgotten it in the midst of life's ongoing demands. They also trigger certain primal feelings that feed the dynamic. For example when I kneel and offer up his drinks, rather than just handing them to him, it arouses feelings within us that wouldn't occur without that protocol.

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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 5:10:26 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_1134732/mpage_1/key_protocol/tm.htm#1135086
protocol

http://www.collarchat.com/m_579363/mpage_1/key_ritual/tm.htm#579537
Rituals and protocols, which ones do you use?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_512995/mpage_1/key_ritual/tm.htm#513015
Daily Routines

http://www.collarchat.com/m_307839/mpage_1/key_daily%252Croutine/tm.htm#307839
Structure

http://www.collarchat.com/m_99518/mpage_1/key_daily%252Croutine/tm.htm#99518
day to day in the lifestyle

http://www.collarchat.com/m_83995/mpage_1/key_daily%252Croutine/tm.htm#83995
Need help...consistency problems

http://www.collarchat.com/m_45593/mpage_1/key_daily%252Croutine/tm.htm#45593
routine

http://www.collarchat.com/m_504581/mpage_1/key_rituals/tm.htm#504854
Rituals...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_229409/mpage_1/key_ritual/tm.htm#229409
Purpose of ritual and types

http://www.collarchat.com/m_234894/mpage_1/key_ritual/tm.htm#234894
Ritual in anticipation of time together

http://www.collarchat.com/m_242681/mpage_1/key_ritual/tm.htm#242681
rituals, your favorite and why?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_110/mpage_1/key_rituals/tm.htm#110
rituals

http://www.collarchat.com/m_7380/mpage_1/key_rituals/tm.htm#7380
protocols

http://www.collarchat.com/m_48910/mpage_1/key_rituals/tm.htm#48910
special rituals please?!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_97744/mpage_1/key_rituals/tm.htm#97744
rituals (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_296210/mpage_1/key_rituals/tm.htm#296210
favorite rituals


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(in reply to Sexycelticlady)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 6:07:59 PM   
Flogmaster


Posts: 27
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline 		As an old well traveled man I have found that protocol and ritual behavior can only be served best after a realationship has been built, but if she is new sub then it always best to be up front that you do insist on protocols and ritual behavior as you build a bond between you. With an experienced sub I have found that protocol and ritual gives her stability and structure as for teaching these dynamics.. it's starting with the basic courtesy's first...insuring trust and respect at each level...for example if I require a sub to address me as Sir when speaking and she fails to do so, then I will pause,stare at her,but not answer her (ignor her) if she doesn't catch herself then, I just remind her what we had discussed. If it happens again then I might put her over my kneeto remind her of the discussions.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 9:47:30 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I thought his protcols were stupid and they made me feel stupid and foolish,  and self contious, expesially if I ever had to do them in front of others. And now,  I'd never take on a dom who had a ton of them, or ones I couldn't carry out with out feeling silly. They did not enhance my feelings of submission no.  I didn't gain anything from them.

Now rituals , it depends on the rituals they want. I'd scoff and say yeah right if, for instance someone said I had to kiss their boots before and after work and always be kneeling to be spanked when he comes home, but , I firmly believe that I should hug and kiss daddy and say good by and have a good day and love love love you before he leaves for work or anywhere he's going that I am not going. if he's going to be gone long.

And even if he;s not gone long a kiss and have fun should be given. And when we were long distance I firmly believed we should talk everyday morning and evening, and got quite lonely when he wasn't able to do that.

And those things have nothing to do with submission, or making me feel submissive, they're simply things I feel are sweet and kind , and a good start to a work day to be sent off in a loving fashion.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sexycelticlady



To the subs - have you had any experience with regard to protocol and rituals? How do they make you feel? Do they enhance the feelings of submission? What do you feel you gain by doing them?


(in reply to Sexycelticlady)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Protocols, rituals and what they mean to you. - 10/23/2008 9:55:34 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		FR - I don't impose rituals or protocol on my subs unless it's in a scene, and even then, not much.  I prefer a sub with innate good manners.  That takes care of most of the protocol issues right there.  The more protocol you insist on, the more you have to police the other person's behaviour.  I have better things to do with my time.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
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