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During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 8:53:02 AM

oceanwynds

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Joined: 8/24/2006
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There have been times since my entering into a Ds relationship 2 years ago that everything seems to mesh and life is good. My many aha moments, when something clicks about the dynamics in my relationship has given me a lift. Those I am grateful for, but there are still times when I struggle with the whole concept of a Ds relationship, as well as BDSM. The struggle, though lessening, of switching from a vanilla relationship mindset to a Ds relationship mindset still exists. The art of finding ways to present an idea, instead of coming from an equal mind set and just saying, "Do you want to go and do this?", to Sir has been a major mountain for me to overcome. Understanding that it is fine to please him in any way he seeks, and it is his choice to sexually satisfy me too is different then what I experienced in my marriage. I have finally grasped the why's to these two examples and know in Sir's and my relationship it is how it works. I understand now that I am in a BDSM / Ds relationship. I have even had many long conversations with myself, about why i am staying in this relationship and is this lifestyle really for me? The answer to the later is yes. Sir i just adore and desire to submit to him.
My question is have others had trouble with going from vanilla to D/s mindset? If so how did you mentally process through this is not vanilla world anymore? For those who haven't experience this, but might have suggestions, please feel free to offer them.

Post #: 1

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 9:01:52 AM

HotMistress22

Posts: 58
Joined: 3/23/2008
Status: offline

I think most people experience these feelings that you are having at some point. You have two people, married maybe, who love eachother and are in agreement to living a D/s BDSM lifestyle, as compared to a vanilla one. Perfect. But then.........comes life's interruptions, such as jobs, family, kids, pets, resposibilites, bills, home repairs, and all of those other litle emergencies that pop up on us. As frustrating at it can be, there's nothing you can do to change it. But, communication about your relationship and helping eachother to meet your needs is crucial. Making time to put everything else aside and focus just on you two can give you a chance to renurture your relationship and promises to eachother. Works for Me. Good luck!

HM

_____________________________

Come see Me at:
http://www.MistressPlanet.com
Where Dreams Come True.

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 2

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 9:03:57 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
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As it relates to myself, I don't distinguish between my vanilla mindset and my BDSM mindset... it's all my mindset. But I know that not everyone is capable of viewing things in that way, and have owned a few girls who needed to transition from their vanilla working environment back to our power exchange relationship environment, even though it did not always outwardly appear to be different.

In those cases we developed a ritual that helped make that transition. Having a ritual helped signify the change in their mindset and to link it to something tangible.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 3

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 9:04:46 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
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Although it doesn't help you...or will solve anything..I had the same.
Mostly when I entered this lifestyle........and even much later. Soemtimes it felt like beeing in 2 worlds.
You will find a place for it sometime....but give it time. ...somewhen it melts all together.

< Message edited by JustDarkness -- 10/20/2008 9:11:02 AM >

(in reply to HotMistress22)

Post #: 4

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 9:09:31 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

It is not only the s-type that can struggle with this. Having come to D/s then M/s, late in life, it has been an ongoing struggle to get past a lifetime of conditioning.

Granted, the M/s feels far more "me" than anything else ever has, but there are those old kneejerk reactions that are hard to overcome at times.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 5

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 10:10:57 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

The art of finding ways to present an idea, instead of coming from an equal mind set and just saying, "Do you want to go and do this?",

With both my dominant partners it is perfectly acceptable to ask
'would you like to go to (dinner, a movie, for a walk)', My submission lies in accepting his answer.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 6

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 11:03:05 AM

bound4more

Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

There have been times since my entering into a Ds relationship 2 years ago that everything seems to mesh and life is good. My many aha moments, when something clicks about the dynamics in my relationship has given me a lift. Those I am grateful for, but there are still times when I struggle with the whole concept of a Ds relationship, as well as BDSM. The struggle, though lessening, of switching from a vanilla relationship mindset to a Ds relationship mindset still exists. The art of finding ways to present an idea, instead of coming from an equal mind set and just saying, "Do you want to go and do this?", to Sir has been a major mountain for me to overcome. Understanding that it is fine to please him in any way he seeks, and it is his choice to sexually satisfy me too is different then what I experienced in my marriage. I have finally grasped the why's to these two examples and know in Sir's and my relationship it is how it works. I understand now that I am in a BDSM / Ds relationship. I have even had many long conversations with myself, about why i am staying in this relationship and is this lifestyle really for me? The answer to the later is yes. Sir i just adore and desire to submit to him.
My question is have others had trouble with going from vanilla to D/s mindset? If so how did you mentally process through this is not vanilla world anymore? For those who haven't experience this, but might have suggestions, please feel free to offer them.

Thank you for a wonderful topic. My experience has amounted to the realization that an idea I have in my head and heart about how I can be the ideal sub/slave, and what I am actually capable of doing at any given time, are usually not the same. Although I can certainly comprehend the benefits of consistent obedience, of happily submitting to his way in all things, there's those things called emotions that get in the way.

Having entered into a D/s relationship after many years on my own, considering myself quite the independent, self-sufficient woman, it's an ongoing challenge to forfeit my own ideas and ways of doing things in order to honor my commitment to serve him how he wishes to be served. I've found submitting to him physically is much easier than the psychological, emotional submission necessary to obey him and be mindful of his wishes. I catch myself all the time wanting to tell him a "better" way to do something. Better only meaning my way. lol.

I've asked myself many times, are you sure you're really submissive, as I am so strong willed and highly opinionated. Yet I have a deep desire to please. So it's the path I've chosen. The reality of our D/s relationship took hold when we began living together. Prior to that we saw each other each weekend, our scening was intense and we basically put all life responsibilities on hold until Monday. I mistakenly believed that was what a D/s relationship would be. I found it pretty easy to stay submissive for the weekend or whatever period of time we were together.

The real issues arose when we started living together and my submission became full time. D/s was no longer an escape from my daily life, now it was my life. It was no longer about only submitting when it was relatively easy to do so. Now it was about letting go of control of money, big decisions that impacted both of our lives, learning to present my opinions and ideas in a respectful manner which acknowledges his authority, learning to combine our D/s relationship with the nilla relationships with family and friends. The idealogy of Master/slave that I'd read about and heard about in books and online, had to be replaced with the reality of not only what we wanted, but what we were actually capable of as individuals. I found that I was only capable of a degree of submissiveness without his ongoing, direct interaction with me. Little by little I learned to accept that I am who I am and my commitment to submit to him would only take me as far as it could without extensive, deep training. It was training he neither had the desire or time for.

Gradually we've learned to step back a bit from the expectations we had and accept the reality of who we are and how that blends together. Once I stopped trying to BE a slave and just let myself be who I am, I found I needed less from him in the way of discipline etc. I've learned that D/s works very well for us, as it eliminates many arguments and power struggles. The only thing I need to remember now is that I agreed to be the submissive partner, not the dominant one. ha ha.

I may continue to question submission as the society I live in promotes the idea of personal freedom and independence. But when the question comes up now, I just sit with myself for a bit and ask, what do you want? And acknowledge that the choice is always mine. That helps.

_____________________________

You can tell who someone really is by how they act

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 7

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 12:27:36 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
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Thank you HotMistress for your reply and suggestions. Sir and i live an hour a part, but due to obligations i have right now with Mom, i trip over my feet in letting go of the control mode when Sir and i do speak, or get to visit. He is aware of what goes on in my life, and encourages me for my accomplishments. The part that i tend to trip over is when he is talking, sometimes i treat him as a friend, not a Dom. I find it hard to switch the mode, when i am dealing with personal at the hospital, rehab and now assistant living for mom, or helping my clients to make decisions.

Thank you again, for takinng the time to reply.
Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to HotMistress22)

Post #: 8

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 12:32:56 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
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Thank you Rover for your reply and suggestion of a ritual. After reading your post, i had another aha moment, that when Sir visits he does have a ritual he uses.i just never caught on this was a ritual. Am slow and perhaps stubborn in regards to changes. Also in our case, since we do not see each other often, i am still in controlling everything around me mode. Sir has implimented that i start address him as Sir or Mr..., when we are in a chat room, instead of just through emails or in person. This i have noticed has been of great help. It helps me to stay focus that i serve him.

Thank you
Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 9

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 12:34:31 PM

oceanwynds

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Joined: 8/24/2006
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Thank you JustDarkness for the encouragement. I do look forward to the day where it blends completely with me.

Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 10

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 12:36:06 PM

oceanwynds

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Joined: 8/24/2006
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Thank you for your reply LaTigresse
Yes it is those knee-jerk reactions. The more aware i get, hopefully those will be less.

Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 11

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 12:38:13 PM

oceanwynds

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Joined: 8/24/2006
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Thank you catize
The keys here is you ask and accept his answer. In the beginning i would just make a statement, without considering to ask.

blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 12

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 12:41:00 PM

oceanwynds

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Joined: 8/24/2006
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Thank you bound4more. i related to a lot of what you said in here. I been so use to controling everything, especially in those 4 years of my late husband's life, that i forget this is not necessary anymore. Knee jerk reactions really sums up a lot of my behavior. This i know can be mitigated.

Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to bound4more)

Post #: 13

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 1:04:02 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

I have never been in a 100% vanilla relationship of any lasting quality or duration, .. though I have had vanilla partners, so I have never really been in a vanilla mindset.

The adjustment I am now beginning to tackle is working with what I actually want, need and desire ... rather than what other people tell me I want/need/desire or I feel I should want/need/desire or what other people want me to want/need/desire.
A point in case .. I spent a little over 3 years being told that anything less than total TPE slavery was playing at BDSM, that having any kind of influence was topping from the bottom and that in order to embrace my true womanhood I had to give control and authority over everything over to a man. I have to unpick the bits of desires that are actually wholly mine from the web of desires spun together of the years by other influences in my life.

Thinking as me, desiring, dreaming, exploring as me .... thats a hell of an adjustment to make and I imagine every bit as challenging as your current journey

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 14

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 1:23:08 PM

oceanwynds

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Joined: 8/24/2006
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Hi Softness
Yes your journey is as challenging as mine. i do know for me micromanagement and total power control would not please me, so if Sir needed that it would not work. i am fortunate in many ways to find a Dom with needs are similiar to mine. 29 years of marriage and a good marriage at that, seems to have taken up most of my life and created many habits. Only regret i have in my marriage was that i hid any trace of submissiveness in me. Mostly this stems from my past prior to hubby, and swearing to never be abused again. This though is another story. Thank you for sharing with me about your journey.

Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 15

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 3:26:55 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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I guess we don't so much see it as "trouble", we just see it as the inevitable pangs of modifying our marriage. Nor are we really transitioning away from vanilla towards D/s. We, frankly, don't have any big huge "OMG, can't be vanilla" sort of mindset. For us, this is just a new mode of interacting. Of course, life has thrown us some curve balls along the way. Typically, when one of us is struggling with their role, the other person simply reinforces it. If I'm feeling a bit disengaged from my role as master, she'll just get a bit extra "subby" on me. I do the same thing for her. We both offer each other gentle reminders.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 16

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 3:38:44 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I know I probably won't be much help here because I've never had to struggle with this..all my relationships even before I ever heard of bdsm were with dominant personality men, men who led, were head of the household, made the decisions, etc...it's the environment in which I grew up.

All I can suggest to you is to just follow your heart, pay attention and make your man a huge part of your world. Make him either the most important or one the most important people in your life.

It does get easy if you truly care for him and want only the best for him.

And talk to him. If he's happy with the relationship then that's all that matters. Ask him if there's anything you can do better or more or less of. Keep the lines of communication open and you'll do just fine.

Best of luck to you.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 17

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 3:45:46 PM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
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For me, the vanilla world, the BDSM, or the D/s world is all one in the same.  All these aspects are interwoven into my mindset.

I don't have an issue with a submissive asking me "Would you like to go to Dinner", I don't have an issue with a submissive asking me "If I would do them a favor even", I can always say NO.   It's within my power to Grant or Deny any request.

In terms of D/s, I take things from the "Have it your way" mindset. For instance, I hate having my partner walk 1-2 paces behind me. It annoys the Hell out of actually. I insist upon having them walk side by side, and even holding hands. Why? Because That's the way "I Like it".   So, it might appear to be a little vanilla, but not really.   I'm simply having something my way, the way I like it. I'm not trying to base my life around what other people enjoy, or live my life according to other people's protocols.

I'd Love to hear "Daddy, would you like to go to the movies tonight?".   Something that small and simply would mean a lot to me.

There are many aspects to being in a "Daddy/little girl" relationship that are simply it for me.   It involves the growth and nuturing and caring for my partner. It also involves a certain degree of emotional vulnerablility. Sure, I can hack and rip apart the mechanics of D/s verse vanilla.   A lot of people in the vanilla world are doing D/s without really giving it much of a second thought.   However, with more of a focus upon D/s as lifestyle you can enhance D/s to deeper levels of mutual appreciation and commitment.

The thing is such, my way is not everybody else's way, or vice versa. Everybody establishes and does the things they like and enjoy in their own D/s relationships.

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 18

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 3:47:59 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Hello ocean - No, I do not and have not struggled with this ever. So, the best advice I can give is not to see BDSM/Ds as any different to 'vanilla' - but another part of life. Life is all encompassing, all embracing. You can be a child, mother, slave, executive, sister, aunt, pet, bottom, top and be all those things or none of them. But they are all a part of life as a whole.

It's all the same head and heart.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 19

RE: During those times when nothing seems to fit - 10/20/2008 3:50:44 PM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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Hmmm, I've written and erased about 2 dozen answers to this.

Sometimes, my thought is that we are not "master/slave" sometimes and "carol/jeff" others. We're just who we are.
Other times, my thought was that we interact on multiple levels... if we're not feeling all master/slavey, we enjoyed husband wife for 13 years now and still do.

But in real life, I think the answer is that more than anything, we are just the two of us, muddling through life day by day. We are not really seeking to be anything. We don't care whether we are DOm/sub, master/slave, or husband/wife. All that really matters is that we love each other and we are together. Everything else seems to work itself out nicely starting from there. No matter what else fits, "Jeff" fits me all the time as "Carol" fits her.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 20

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