RE: On Being Stupid

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pixidustpet -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 1:58:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob To clarify, I never expected to be his "everything", and was assured that I'd NEVER be his "nothing". The man I worship, is so busy cowering at his wifes feet and kissing her ass that I'm lucky to get an e-mail. A true Dom should be just that, not a part timer. I love him dearly, but can't say that I haven't lost some respect after several months of very restricted contact due to the deception and cowering. there is a story about an woman who found a half-frozen poisonous snake by the side of the road. he told her "help me, i will freeze to death!" and she did. she took him into her home, warmed him, fed him and nursed him back to health till the weather warmed again in the spring. as he was leaving her home, he turned around and visciously bit her, then left to leave her to die. "i saved your life! you would have died!" she cried. "you knew what i was when you picked me up" the snake replied, and left. Daddy is a married man, with a disabled wife. he will not leave her because he swore to take care of her. he doesnt love her, but feels obligated. and so, i accepted that. i dealt with the frustration and the little contact, and everything else. it was my choice to accept his collar and my choice to stay. when my situation changed and i left the state, i asked to be released and Daddy refused. so i still belong to him, and yet i dont, either. i am with TheEngineer (who knows all about it) and life goes on. he and i are engaged to be married before the end of the year (no date set). what has this to do with anything? you knew that your Sir was married, and you chose to go down that road anyway. its still your choice to go down that road. you dont have to dump him, you dont have to leave him. you will probably never change him, so you would have to change your feelings about being alone for long periods of time, how to accept the time you do get with him, and whether or not you can live with this as a long term thing. i'm not telling you that you're right or wrong, just that you have to decide if its something you can live with.... or something that will poison you in the end. kitten

housemouse61 -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 2:02:18 PM)
It's not about being "stupid" or a "dumbass"...it's about making an honest mistake in judgment and paying a painful price. i've never engaged in a relationship with a married partner because in my mind starting a relationship that starts out with any kind of dishonesty is a hard limit that i've had since i was just a lil vanilla girl. However, i did have a penchant for the good-looking, bad-boy types whose only real loyalty and commitment centered around their narcissistic selves. i was the epitome of Freud's definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over always expecting a different result. Took me years to kick the bad boy habit. But, when i did i found a happy and lasting relationship with Master. Honesty and openness are the concrete footings of any relationship. Without them the relationship has no viable standing and therefore cannot continue to exist (if it ever truly existed in the first place). On the other hand, getting involved with a married partner does not always have to end in disaster. Some have open marriages that allow both to explore relationships outside of the nuptuals and be honest and open with each other about their explorations. i have a friend who has been involved with a married partner for decades and both are quite happy with the arrangement. One already has the committment she needs within her marriage and he is free to enjoy her companionship and love without further expectations put upon him. It works for them. Bottom line, it's never a good thing when you get involved with someone who already has a partner (married or not) and is not being open and honest about his/her involvement with others outside of the primary relationship. Unless you don't mind the idea of forever playing "second fiddle". Then i say more power to ya. In the end, all you can do is take what you've learned from this experience, heartbreaking as it obviously has been, and move along with new knowledge and insight. And try not to make the same mistake twice. Good luck to you. Peace favor and blessed be, nikki Property of Cruel Desires

SailingBum -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 2:03:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob To clarify, I never expected to be his "everything", and was assured that I'd NEVER be his "nothing". The man I worship, is so busy cowering at his wifes feet and kissing her ass that I'm lucky to get an e-mail. A true Dom should be just that, not a part timer. I love him dearly, but can't say that I haven't lost some respect after several months of very restricted contact due to the deception and cowering. Lemme see here... your fucking a married guy and your pissed off cuz he spends a lot more time with her than you. Well color me stupid for not being able to figure that out "before" I got involved with a married person. You made your bed and now you don't like sleeping in it. Go figure Getting involved with a married person is always risky. But then again what's life without risk. BadOne

IvyMorgan -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 3:21:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness quote: ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan And, sometimes, we're all a happy bunch of people in a cheery poly relationship of joy. neah then I have to wait for my turn :P (just making fun) Turns? 4 doms, 1 sub... more like "mad free for all fun fest"

Twicehappy2x -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 5:51:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JumpingJax I don't think it is always inevitable that every situation will end like this. Although it's obvious from searching the poly message boards that problems like this do arise, It doesn't matter if the Dom you seek is married or single, It is not poly if the wife is unaware. Then it is cheating! Dear op, is the wife aware of you? Have you met her? Have you discussed the issues with her?

yourMissTress -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 6:02:41 PM)
Was going to ask a bunch of questions, but twice beat me to it. so I will just suppose away while waiting for the answers. If you knew he was married, lying to his wife, and cheating, what ON EARTH would make you think he wouldn't treat you with the same disdain as the woman he promised to love until death? Oh, wait, I'm waiting for the answers...

Lockit -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 6:06:59 PM)
Honesty is the key here. Being honest with yourself, your partner being honest with you and any spouse involved and an honesty between you all. You have to start with self and move on from there. If in the back of your mind, you felt that one day, you would matter more or take her place or that you could handle the situation whatever it was... and these things weren't honest, the problem was with you, not what someone enticed you into, took from you or wanted from you. If you can't be honest with yourself, it doesn't matter if someone is honest with you or lies to you... your footing is off already. You have learned something here and will learn more in the days to come. What you do with that life lesson is up to you. You can get caught in one or more of many emotions... you can harden yourself... you can stay away from married men or situations like this one without the personal growth and just get jaded or hurt... OR... you can find your calm with time... look at yourself... examine everything... heal and move on without the jaded and hurt. Whatever stage you are in, in the process of wherever you go with this... just keep moving along and don't get stuck. You will love again if you let yourself. You will recover from this, if you let yourself. It is up to you. We all go through stupid... we all make mistakes and sometimes we all have had moments or years of lying to ourselves or getting stuck... but there is hope for a better ending. I hope you find it!

spankablemilf -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 6:11:20 PM)
Um, I'm sorry Slave2Bob, but your attitude is way off. Maybe you should communicate with him with a little less passion than you're showing in this message. He obviously has committments to his wife, so you shouldn't be all up and arms about it. If you chose to go this route you have to understand that it's not always going to be about you. You don't know what is going on with his wife/family. I'd seriously take a chill pill if I were you. quote: ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob To clarify, I never expected to be his "everything", and was assured that I'd NEVER be his "nothing". The man I worship, is so busy cowering at his wifes feet and kissing her ass that I'm lucky to get an e-mail. A true Dom should be just that, not a part timer. I love him dearly, but can't say that I haven't lost some respect after several months of very restricted contact due to the deception and cowering.

MistresseLotus -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 6:28:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob If he won't value you, value yourself. Bite the bullet, and move on. It's never too late, don't waste one more day ! If he didn't honor his wife... what makes you think he'd honor you? When you look back on it all... what made you think it would be worth it? You entered into a situation where you would always be last priority to his wife and family.

CruelDesires -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 7:39:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: housemouse61 Took me years to kick the bad boy habit. But, when i did i found a happy and lasting relationship with Master. Peace favor and blessed be, nikki Property of Cruel Desires Liar! [:D] Bad Boy C-D

goodgirlslave -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 7:54:28 PM)
thanks for clarifying CD. your property's comment left me wondering whether you were the 'bad boy' i imagined. as for married partners: i am married, to a vanilla - but we have an open relationship and he supports my kink. of course he reads all my mail and must approve before i meet someone. in my search for a Dom or Dom couple, i would prefer someone married, or the equivalent. i want to be second fiddle, because that is what they will be to me.

housemouse61 -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 8:40:26 PM)
i'm not a liar and You're not a bad boy...You're just an incorrigible perv. [:D]

scarlethiney -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/16/2008 9:13:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob To clarify, I never expected to be his "everything", and was assured that I'd NEVER be his "nothing". The man I worship, is so busy cowering at his wifes feet and kissing her ass that I'm lucky to get an e-mail. A true Dom should be just that, not a part timer. I love him dearly, but can't say that I haven't lost some respect after several months of very restricted contact due to the deception and cowering. Perhaps the reason he isn't giving you the attention you want is because his marriage comes first. They are married. They made a commitment to each other. I do not condone playing outside ones marriage so I have more sympathy for the wife than you I'm sorry to say. You knew he was married when you decided to get involved with him and I think you assumed that he would divide his time between you and his wife and more often than not you dear will be the one who loses out in this equation. And yes every one does not agree with my view of marriage. I have yet to see a relationship where a woman who is involved with a married man ended up happy and healthy. It sounds like from your second post that you were wanting more time than he was willing to give or ,more importance than you feel you received. Hopefully, you will learn from this painful experience. I wouldn't judge the other woman too harshly she is probably as hurt if not more so than you, he is the one that deserves your disdain. scarlet

greyjay -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/17/2008 12:50:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moonvine I personally would not relocate across the country (or for that matter around the block) to a man who was not willing to put me first, and if they are married (especially if the marriage includes children) you will NEVER be first. Of course they have other commitments that come before you! This isn't limited to the BDSM world. (It isn't even limited to married people, some people put their jobs before their partners, or their online role play gaming, or whatever). True, but divorced men with children are able to make their significant other as important as their children. I can't tell you how many times I have been rejected by women because of having kids--as if they have to compete for attention or something. Truly astounding.

stella41b -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/17/2008 3:48:37 AM)
Life is about living and learning. Part of the living and learning is making stupid mistakes. There is no other route to wisdom.

JustDarkness -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/17/2008 4:25:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: stella41b Life is about living and learning. Part of the living and learning is making stupid mistakes. There is no other route to wisdom. ...and then you die...lol ofcourse it is true...but when you feel hurt..I guess.the moment you are in right now..is important..not the future.... but it will in a few weeks..

CuplBoundByLove -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/17/2008 3:50:50 PM)
I cannot say that there is one person alive on this Earth able to say they have never made a mistake, what makes it stupid is one's inability to learn from that mistake. If you truly feel as though your actions were a mistake, then it's up to you whether it is going to be a stupid mistake or not. Will you learn from it, or will you carry on and forget the lessons that life tried so painfully to teach you? Yes, then, it would be a stupid mistake. Otherwise, take it for what it was, learn from it, and move on. Knowing better next time a similar situation may arise. :) Best of luck! Angel

LadyPact -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/17/2008 8:38:15 PM)
If I may..... I'm sorry that you seem to have had a bad experience with a married dominant. However, I don't think you should paint all married dominants with the same brush. I happen to be married and I have a married submissive. My boy just spent the past ten days with Me. Both spouses were fully aware of it. I can promise you something. There's a huge difference between being poly and someone sneaking around on their spouse. In this poly family, I'd damn well better get called if My sub needs to go to the ER. It kind of goes along with the whole idea of being My submissive. Not every married dominant treats their submissives the way you seem to have been.

VivaciousSub -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/17/2008 8:46:52 PM)
OP, I too am sorry you had this experience. However, I've lived long enough to know that "always" and "never" are rarely valid judgment calls, and it simply isn't in my realm of experience that relationships with married Dominants are always harbingers of doom. I've met many people happily married who are in open relationships where all parties know all the other players - perhaps Dramatis Personae would be more appropriate, in some cases - and are content with themselves and their relationships. I wish you best of luck in sorting out what led to this experience and in retaining your new-found and hard-earned wisdom in your next relationship.

CatdeMedici -> RE: On Being Stupid (10/21/2008 7:03:42 PM)
well hon, you had to suspect way before now and chose to deny it---usually the clues come like glass shards in one's eye--and you stayed--and after all that you still say, I love him dearly? leave the pity party, learn from your lessons and next time, don't sell yourself so cheap-you are entitled to a whole not a half----Dom.

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