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Rover -> RE: Lifestyle versus Way of Life (10/7/2008 2:55:30 PM)
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Then how else do you explain the many that eschew the term "lifestyle" because they are "simply living their life"? Obviously, they have the impression that there's something more to it.
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Well, I'm one of those. In my case it has nothing to do with insufficient leatherwear. The "more to it" that I don't identify with is having a kink-based relationship. If I did want such a relationship, I'd be much more inclined to self-identify with BDSM or "the lifestyle". Honestly, most people in my experience are not so shallow as to think that clothing choices significantly define a person.
I can't speak for anyone but myself, of course. But a "kink-based relationship" strikes me as meaning play partners. Kink doesn't make the relationship, nor define it. However, the power exchange does define the relationship dynamic, though in the end it's the partners that make the relationship what it is. In this respect, I believe we're probably in much agreement.
And it was not my intention to imply that anyone is shallow. Just that people are visual animals, and they often compare themselves to what they see online, at fetish clubs, at BDSM events, etc.... where people look different because of what they're wearing. That alone can evoke a powerful "I'm not like those people" response. I know... I've had it and had to get over it (I probably dress like your dad... golf attire du jour).
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*laughs* No worries John. I'm easily definable... I'm the vaguely confused one. In the sense that you are saying "power exchange relationship", you are right but it's also specious. EVERY relationship is a power exchange relationship. I have yet to see two people who are exactly equally dominant in all aspects and times of their life. While it is true that I have always been dominant and she has always been submissive, those concepts and traits have very clearly been distilled and crystallized with the advent of the collar. Things are most definitely not the same or even remotely the same on that level. What BDSM didn't do is change the most important fact in my life... I wake up and go to sleep every night with Carol, my wife. It changed the window dressing in my marriage in delightful ways, but it didn't change the marriage or my lifestyle as a whole. It's just not that important to me or her.
Of course, it's not up to me to set the parameters for what is and isn't a power exchange relationship. But I don't accept the reality of inequality of power in a relationship as evidence of a power exchange relationship. No more so than I recognize the reality that most people will try to put out a fire in their home as evidence that they are fire fighters. Again, we are not defined by what we *do*, we are defined by what we *are*.
Just observing that one partner in a vanilla relationship is "in charge" tells you nothing about who they are. The "dominant" partner may hate being in charge, but does so out of necessity (the "submissive" partner leaves a vacuum). The power may be divided in varying degrees according to the day, week, month or activity. The partners may not be aware of the fact that they have a choice in the matter (social, cultural, religious pressures, etc.) and if there's no choice, it's certainly not consensual.
I could go on at length (but you'll be relieved to know that I won't). :)
I am, however, in complete agreement with you that BDSM doesn't *make* people (and believe I have said so previously). In fact, we make BDSM into what works for us, personally. That's why each relationship is unique. That's why there's no "one true way".
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Heh, maybe my kink is being vanilla? Or maybe it's being perverse and going to someplace like collarme and declaring my vanila-ness *laughs*. Probably some of both.
Whatever floats your boat, Jeff. :) I surely wouldn't say that you're wrong for enjoying that kink, or flaunting it here at CollarMe!! *LOL* And trust that you don't mistake some philosophical and intellectual discussion as telling you what you should and shouldn't think, or do.
John
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