Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 8:51:48 AM   
MsAuthoritarian


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/14/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your input. I enjoy the different points of view.
 
The mention of Spell Check is correct, if you type the wrong word but spell it correctly, followed by not paying enough attention then yeah you will post the wrong word. Shit happens lol
 
Rover (John),
 
He laughs his ass off when I have called him that in the past. I will definately remind him the next time I talk to him (if for nothing else than to cause laughter) <wink> By the by, I'll always let it be known who I am when I change my name online so no worries. Offline I haven't changed a thing :P lol welloutside of my hair color <wink> lol
 
 

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 9:31:35 AM   
masterforRT


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline 		Obviously, it's easier to drop the reins with an online D/s relationship. If things are changing, then you should communicate that to the submissive. For example, I was offline for the better part of a month when I moved across country last year. I let my online sub know what was happening, and we agreed to maintain touch by email, which I could do with even a dial up connection.

Communication is the key.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 9:48:35 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		This girl says, 'Master, she needs to feel Your hand on her leash.'
Or she does things that SHE is allowed to do, that are approprate in the relationship, that help us put the dynamic back in focus. She is always allowed to go sit at His feet while He works, for instance - so she gives up some of her very precious computer time, and goes and sits at His feet. She tries harder to kneel when serving him ( knee injury makes her get away with kneeling being an on and off thing, we have 'substitue protocols' for that.)
And the kneeling thing is kind of unfair to him - I did the knee injury a few months after meeting him, so i was not this way when he bought me, and, yet, the warrenty was pretty much run out.... there should be a lemon law.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to masterforRT)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 10:44:00 AM   
MistresseLotus


Posts: 443
Joined: 9/19/2008
From: (aka LotusSong)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Fair enough.

Here's the best I can do for you.  It is one time I "dropped the reigns."  Roles were affected a bit.  Yet, we became more human.

In the past six months, I have been told twice, incorrectly, that I have an illness.  Just a few weeks back, I went for a second biopsy.  I admit it.  I was afraid.  I had no control.  No authority.  No dictation about how this would play out.  Rather than the Dominat who stands her ground..... I laid naked and expsoed.  I was no more or less than anyone who would be in the same position.

Yet, I was Dominant still.  I heard My boy's voice to remind Me that the woman I am is always his Dominant.  Even when My body fails Me or My courage escapes Me.  It is My times that I feel I am My weakness, he shows Me that he believes in My greatest strength.

Have other s-types thought of it this way?

Such is as my slave tells me :)


_____________________________

I leave it to the 20-somethings to do the "open-minded, total unconditional acceptance thing" for it's how THEY learn that all the things others older than they have deemed BS, are in fact BS. What a waste of a decade.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 11:00:45 AM   
HotMistress22


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/23/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsAuthoritarian

D/s and M/s relationships are certainly not immune to problems. With all the challenges of daily life; i.e. work, children, responsibilities, etc.; having an overall healthy relationship is challenging for anyone. It takes work by all parties involved to make the relationship withstand the test of time much less flourish.

Over the years I have heard of many situations where the dominant “dropped the reigns” within the relationship (so to speak). At the beginning of the relationship they would lay out the structure of the relationship, expectations, rules and regulations, discipline, etc. but over time they slowly but surely stop enforcing anything they have mandated, stopped paying attention, stop commutating, etc. Slowly but surely the relationship moves from being based in either D/s or M/s to vanilla with the sub or slave being left to think, “This is not what I signed up for”.
 
When the dominant is dropping the ball on their roles and responsibilities within the relationship:
 
1. How can a sub or slave effectively communicate the issues they see without being disrespectful?
 
It usually has a better end result when done in a loving, calm manner as compared to screaming "I'm not getting my needs met"

2. What does the sub or slave do if the dominant does nothing to change the situation after being informed of what is being witness and the impact it is having?
 
People, places and things tend to change around you when you do some changing.

3. Has any ever experienced this situation? If so, please tell us your story and how it was dealt with?
 
Life happens and it's so easy to get off track.  We have a contract and we often refer back to the contract to remind eachother of our promises and goals.  Setting some time aside to reconnect, usually does the trick.  Trying to be more aware of eachother's needs and desires helps as well.  We may not be at the finish line yet, but when we look back at our progress, we have come a long way!  Good luck!
 
HM

 



< Message edited by HotMistress22 -- 10/7/2008 11:02:21 AM >

_____________________________

Come see Me at:
http://www.MistressPlanet.com
Where Dreams Come True.

(in reply to MsAuthoritarian)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 12:25:06 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsAuthoritarian
Over the years I have heard of many situations where the dominant “dropped the reigns” within the relationship (so to speak). At the beginning of the relationship they would lay out the structure of the relationship, expectations, rules and regulations, discipline, etc. but over time they slowly but surely stop enforcing anything they have mandated, stopped paying attention, stop commutating, etc. Slowly but surely the relationship moves from being based in either D/s or M/s to vanilla with the sub or slave being left to think, “This is not what I signed up for”. 

Reading this thread and the various replies has been interesting and has caused me to think of my own situation, though it is slightly different.  In our M/s relationship, things have definitely changed since the beginning but all in good ways and never in ways I would describe as "dropping the reins."  I guess I would phrase it more as using the reins to steer in a bit different direction or perhaps "loosening the reins" a bit as not as much guidance or steering is always needed. 

You mention the dominant partner no longer "enforcing anything they have mandated," not "paying attention," and no longer communicating.  These definitely aren't issues we have faced but there has certainly been a shift from what was discussed, expected and done in the very early stages of our relationship.  Master's expectations and mandates (however few they are) have changed somewhat over time to better fit our life.  I don't see it as not being "what I signed up for" but being, rather, adaptive and ever evolving.

The way things were on day 1 aren't exactly the way they are going into year three.  Have there been significant changes in our lives during that time?  Yes.  Have those affected the way we do things day-to-day.  Yep, you betcha.  Does that mean I'm disappointed or thinking I'm not getting what I "signed up for?"  Never.  I'm getting more than I dreamed of.

I know you weren't looking for that type of answer and I didn't mean to do some kind of derailing post.  It's just that it got me thinking that sometimes such changes aren't all bad or even bad at all and that instead of the reins being "dropped," perhaps others have experienced what I tried to describe in that the reins were merely loosened or used to redirect things.........................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to MsAuthoritarian)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 12:46:16 PM   
softpjOS


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsAuthoritarian

D/s and M/s relationships are certainly not immune to problems. With all the challenges of daily life; i.e. work, children, responsibilities, etc.; having an overall healthy relationship is challenging for anyone. It takes work by all parties involved to make the relationship withstand the test of time much less flourish.

Over the years I have heard of many situations where the dominant “dropped the reigns” within the relationship (so to speak). At the beginning of the relationship they would lay out the structure of the relationship, expectations, rules and regulations, discipline, etc. but over time they slowly but surely stop enforcing anything they have mandated, stopped paying attention, stop commutating, etc. Slowly but surely the relationship moves from being based in either D/s or M/s to vanilla with the sub or slave being left to think, “This is not what I signed up for”. 
  
MsAuthoritarian


First, omg is that really You? Both Mistress and myself have wondered how You've been, a pleasant suprise to see You posting here :)
 
Without reading all of the responses, i offer what we've found to be our reality.
 
Absolutely life "gets in the way", or "demands our attention" for long spans of time.  It's not a matter of our relationship turning vanilla, it is our accepting each others roles in this world and not expecting either of us to be *on* at all times. 
 
Just last night i found the key to a trunk i've stored stuff in for years.  Yea, silly me lost it. Anyway, inside that truck was every letter, card, note She sent me while i lived in florida.  We sat on my bed last night giggling and reading bits and pieces of our past.  Mixed into that pile was our original contract..yea lots of really old stuff in that trunk. 
 
We compared our thoughts on our relationship then and now.  All we could do was sit and shake our heads at how "online fantasy based" our thoughts were then.  Comparing real life, real time vs those online ideals. 
 
The bottom line was, we have to bend and bow to reality, sometimes for weeks and months at a time.  This does not change our relationship dynamic in anyway.  She is my Mistress, i am Her slave. 
 
To say i've never felt neglected,  or that She was *dropping the reins* wouldn't be true.  We all feel lost in the shuffle now and then, we are all capable of falling into the rut of reality and forgetting to pull ourselves back out.  I am quite certain She would say She's felt the same thing from me here and there.
 
It was someone on here, that pointed out to me that by sulking, whining and being a shit i was not helping the situation, in fact i was making it worse.  We can see the change in our partner and without open honest communication we start to assume and we all know what assuming gets us.  Communication requires the ability to understand why the other person is perceiving something as they are.
 
It's taken us years to adjust to life's reality after spending two years in an online/long distance semi fantasy based relationship.  I say semi fantasy based because we did discuss real life issues, understood that life and family would always come first but until we actually faced those *speed bumps* on a day to day, week to week basis, the full reality check wasn't there. We both still expected life to have that M/s "feel".  Most likely more of a struggle for me to grasp than Her.  Because She views every little thing i do for Her as service and as such She "sees" my servitude to Her in many ways.  Many submissive/slaves only *see* their partners "Dom" side through clear and direct actions, expecting them to behave in a fashion they have deemed "Dominant".  
 
It was more me, expecting Her to micromange, nitpick, challenge me within my *role* that was creating conflict within me.  More often it was me that felt She was dropping the ball due to my own expectations and wanting Her to show Her control in a fashion I deemed appropriate, in fact i was trying to control Her.
 
For us today, it's the little things that are done every day that help keep our focus on the M/s aspect of our relationship.  Talking and letting each other know when we are missing something, needing something extra.  If we do not communicate what we are missing, we can not blame the other for not providing it.  And we've finally reached a point that neither feel it is disrespectful nor wrong in any way to come to the other and honestly express our feelings and thoughts.  We also understand that just because we say to the other that we feel something is missing or needed that it most likely won't happen or change overnight.  We accept what life throws at us, struggle through and embrace the moments reality takes a break and lets us take time to smell the leather. 
 

 
 

(in reply to MsAuthoritarian)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 1:16:03 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		*claps*

very astute comment luci

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 1:27:57 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		1. How can a sub or slave effectively communicate the issues they see without being disrespectful?
2. What does the sub or slave do if the dominant does nothing to change the situation after being informed of what is being witness and the impact it is having?
3. Has any ever experienced this situation? If so, please tell us your story and how it was dealt with?

1.  by being honest and polite without laying blame
2.  see 1. or sit it out or have an affair or split up
3. in my case i wanted Him to take reins that had never really been picked up before. And when i realized i really did not want an affair nor did i want to split up I managed to change and stopped being angry and started with 1. and asked Him politely to be my Master and handed Him control of my orgasms...and it worked, jippy

(in reply to MsAuthoritarian)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 2:03:39 PM   
simpleplan2


Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		I so hear you on this point.  I read so much about "how do I tell my dominant respectfully..."  It always makes me wonder how anyone gets anything said if they have to be that damn careful of what or how they say it.  I'm not saying you should get in his face and start screaming "What the F**k's the matter with you?"  But what's wrong with just talking?

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 3:03:19 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsAuthoritarian

Offline I haven't changed a thing :P lol welloutside of my hair color <wink> lol


I am in no position to discuss hair color.  ;)
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to MsAuthoritarian)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 3:17:58 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		I see your questions as addressing symptoms of a problem, rather than the problem itself.  The issue here is, I think, why do people set up a relationship with so much protocol if they do not have the time or interest to maintain that protocol?  Perhaps designing a more liveable relationship - for both parties - from the beginning, rather than one that has its origins in BDSM fantasy would avoid the aforementioned dropping of the reins.  One can always ramp up the protocol level after the relationship is established and both parties have had time to assess if more is desired and realistic.

(in reply to MsAuthoritarian)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 3:35:45 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

I see your questions as addressing symptoms of a problem, rather than the problem itself.  The issue here is, I think, why do people set up a relationship with so much protocol if they do not have the time or interest to maintain that protocol? 


Why?  Because they don't know any better.  It's exciting, erotic and they get carried away with it.  Not understanding that great fantasies sometimes make for crappy realities. 

quote:


Perhaps designing a more liveable relationship - for both parties - from the beginning, rather than one that has its origins in BDSM fantasy would avoid the aforementioned dropping of the reins.  One can always ramp up the protocol level after the relationship is established and both parties have had time to assess if more is desired and realistic.


Great advice.  How many do you think will listen?  Don't take that to mean that you shouldn't give the advice anyway... how else will you be able to enjoy saying "I told you so"?
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 5:07:17 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

 The mention of Spell Check is correct, if you type the wrong word but spell it correctly, followed by not paying enough attention then yeah you will post the wrong word. Shit happens lol 


 
However unintentional, I enjoyed the play on words, for if a dominant drops the reins, it could also be said they have abdicated their reign! 


_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to MsAuthoritarian)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 5:22:03 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

 Don't take that to mean that you shouldn't give the advice anyway... how else will you be able to enjoy saying "I told you so"?
 
John


Exactly.  It's one of the few things that I really like doing that doesn't cost anything.

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 5:32:19 PM   
roughleather


Posts: 232
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline 		"Reins", not "Reigns". Please.

(in reply to MsAuthoritarian)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 7:40:25 PM   
MsAuthoritarian


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/14/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: roughleather

"Reins", not "Reigns". Please.


You are a day late and a dollar short lol

(in reply to roughleather)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 7:41:34 PM   
MsAuthoritarian


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/14/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

I am in no position to discuss hair color.  ;)
 
John


Hey at least your hair is all one color <wink>

< Message edited by MsAuthoritarian -- 10/7/2008 7:42:32 PM >

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 7:44:28 PM   
MsAuthoritarian


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/14/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softpjOS

First, omg is that really You? Both Mistress and myself have wondered how You've been, a pleasant suprise to see You posting here :) 
 


Yes it is really me and Thank you :) Also, Thank you for the response. I am glad you and your Mistress are doing well. I am groovy as always. :) 

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns - 10/7/2008 7:58:05 PM   
LRODANDMASTER


Posts: 161
Joined: 7/13/2005
Status: offline 		NO THE G IS SILENT

quote:

ORIGINAL: roughleather

"Reins", not "Reigns". Please.

(in reply to roughleather)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Dominants Dropping the Reigns Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125