RE: Courage in BDSM (Full Version)

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slaveluci -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/5/2008 10:19:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
My question is, what are the fears you have faced in BDSM?

The biggest fear/misconception I had in the very beginning was that I couldn't be in a D/s or M/s relationship and still have love.  I thought I could have either/or.  It held me back for a long time.  When I met Master, it was like an epiphany.  I realized I could be in a M/s relationship and still be loved, valued, and treasured.  I didn't have to choose one or the either.  That was an amazing realization!
quote:

What has brought you to the point of fight of flight?  Did you face that challenge?  What was the outcome?

Once I had moved 800 miles south to live with Master, it took me awhile to find a good job.  There was a period there where I would say I truly felt depressed and scared.  I tried to handle it on my own and wound up not doing so well.  When I finally shared all my fears and worries with Master, He helped me through it so wonderfully.  Then.....I got a good job then later a terrific one and all has been fine in that area.  I was holding myself to my OWN standards, not His.  He wasn't pressuring me, I was pressuring myself.  Only when I brought it to Him, did we resolve my issues.  That was a great learning experience I have never forgotten...................luci



SlaveIndigochild -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/5/2008 2:23:04 PM)

I faced full immersion baptism a couple of weeks ago. In the sea in the arms of my Master.
Since i signed a contract and consented to no limits i face fears every day we are together: latent fear because i consent to making no decisions, no initiations and having no choice or limits to what we engage in.
But prior to this relationship, even when i had limits: (a hand signal or stop word0 i faced fear of knives, fear of needle play, fear of cutting). Actually these remain now my favorite activities because the fear was previously based on lack of experience.
Asphyxiation still holds a compelling fear for me and the more so as i love it.
I'm facing the fear of fire because my next step is branding. Again i don;t know when this is not my choice. But i do sometimes go over what might happen in my head.
Fear is quite delicious once it is transformed into achievement.



IvyMorgan -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/5/2008 2:43:07 PM)

I spent the weekend playing with fear (apart from in the club, when it was all about the pain).

Needles and violet wands.

Sometimes I fought, sometimes I tried to get away, and I ended up lying still and taking it.  Such is me.

I'm still scared witless of needles, but know that I can deal with them being run all over me, traced along my eyes, placed in my mouth etc, I can deal with being pierced.  And, yes, I may go into shock afterwards, but, I can do it.

Violet wands are just evil, but again, I know I can lie quiet and still and take it.

I don't like fear, it's a weakness in my head, but I love being scared, I love giving that scared to someone else, and watch them revel in how terrified I am.  Finding people I can do that and feel safe with is bliss.



leadership527 -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/5/2008 2:44:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
My question is, what are the fears you have faced in BDSM?  What has brought you to the point of fight of flight?  Did you face that challenge?  What was the outcome?


A few things.  First, my own sexuality.  I came into this relationship with some scars in that arena.  That's been the toughest internal challenge, I am in the process of facing it and the outcome isn't done yet.  Secondly, the need to punish my wife.  That wasn't so much an internal challenge as a really serious deliberation.... "Do I think the benefits of a D/s relationship outweigh this cost."  It was nip and tuck on that one.  In the end, I decided I would accept that price.  There was much comfort and support from my wife.  Finally, my just plain unadulerated desire to control my wife.  This is probably the darkest thing I've faced... that is to say, the thing that I had serious ethical issues around.  I talked it through with my friends and my wife and got a much different viewpoint on the whole thing.

For me, at least, this entire journey has been one laced with many strong emotions... fear among them.  And yes, it's taken a fair amount of courage coupled with unflinching support from my wife to proceed.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/5/2008 3:47:55 PM)

I recently posted on another thread that the only thing that scares me about BDSM -- and we're talking genuine freakout here -- is topping a rape victim, especially when I am doing things that are physically similar to what her attacker did. This has been at the forefront of my mind lately, because I'll be with such a friend soon, and the anticipation/dread is literally keeping me up at night.  I keep on scripting everything out, what-iffin, and reminding myself what to do in the event of a flashback.

The Twain quote is a good one.  I won't be unafraid when she and I meet, but I intend to behave as though I were.



LadyPact -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/5/2008 6:12:32 PM)

Red, you have mail.



juliaoceania -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/5/2008 7:14:00 PM)

quote:

My question is, what are the fears you have faced in BDSM?


Before I engaged in play I had many fears, most of which revolved around trusting someone to top me and trusting someone on an intimate level. At times my fears have been justified, mostly they have not been realized.

quote:

What has brought you to the point of fight of flight? Did you face that challenge? What was the outcome?


I do not wish to talk about it here. I faced the challenge even though I did so tearfully. The outcome was that he stopped.



beargonewild -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/5/2008 8:37:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

My question is, what are the fears you have faced in BDSM?  What has brought you to the point of fight of flight?  Did you face that challenge?  What was the outcome?



The only incident is when I was owned and I recall I was blindfolded, handcuffed and shackled and put in a corner as punishment for some transgression I committed. It wasn't too long before I was shaking, crying and feeling that visceral panic in the pit of the stomach which was leading into a memory flashback to a trauma from childhood and brought up memories which I thought were long buried. After enduring this incident, it wasn't long before I made the decision to leave him and the collar and return to Canada.
   The irony is the fact that a couple years have past since that and I am unable to recall the whys and whatnot of the flashback and what it was about. I swore then that never will I place myself in a position where there's a good risk of bringing up traumatic memories which I spent years keeping buried. Maybe someday I will have enough self courage to lay some of these fears to rest permanently, in the meantime they remain sleeping and I have no wish to disturb them.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/5/2008 10:32:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

My question is, what are the fears you have faced in BDSM?  What has brought you to the point of fight of flight?  Did you face that challenge?  What was the outcome?



Fear faced: Fear of not being good enough. Outcome: The realization that I am.
Fear faced: Fear of never having a meaningful Ms relationships. Outcome: Stopped worrying about it and the first showed up.
Fear faced: Fear of being physically hurt. Outcome: Two separate hook pulls, one with two hooks, one with four hooks. I actually didn't pull; having the hooks was enough for now. I'll do it again....and again...and again until the fear goes away.
Fear faced: Fear of success. Outcome: A real analysis of how the saboteur archetype works in my life.
Fear faced: Fear of thinking I really don't have anything worthwhile to contribute. Outcome: Wrote an Ms lifestyle book.
Fear faced: Fear of going to new, uncomfortable places, like bars. Outcome: Joined the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence who do a hell of a lot of fundraising...in bars.

That's some off the top of my head.



PeonForHer -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/6/2008 3:46:17 AM)

For me, new and searching for "Her", I have to keep reminding myself that "faint heart ne'er won fair lady".  But that needs extrapolating: faint heart ne'er won fair anything.

On a different note - and re "fight or flight" - I once had a good friend who was a Jungian therapist.  He told me about how to deal with nightmares.  The trick was to ask the monster or other fear-inspiring thing in dream 'what it wanted'.  It took practice, but it worked eventually.  I remember this first time that it did so: an angry thing in a London tubeway was chasing me.  I stopped and asked it why it was so angry.  Then I saw that it wasn't so much as angry as frustrated.  It just wanted my help to break out of the tubeway and onto the surface, into the sunlight. 

Anyhow - I'm rambling.  Maybe we shouldn't be talking about "fight or flight" but, rather, "flight or enough courage to stop, understand and work something out".  Not as catchy, though, admittedly . . .



Twicehappy2x -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/6/2008 4:19:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

There are two ways to deal with fear.  The first, the easy option, is the flight response.  When fear strikes, that first option is to run away.  To escape.  To flee. 

The second option is to wage that fight now.  Not to let fear stand in our way of experiences.  To face it head on.  To battle it with every intention of a win.  That we should conquer it.  That we will look it dead on and stand our ground.  Yes, it is true that we might lose that fight and succumb to whatever threat that fear imposed on us.  But what if we don't?  What if we win?  It's also possible that victory is ours.  What if we seize the day?  What might we accomplish if we find courage?


I think this applies to everyday life as well.
 
Can i try this (insert new thing here) ? Can i do it? What if i fail? What if others see me trying and i fail? Or worse look stupid or slow? Should i give up and run away because it is not working out the way i wanted/planned/thought it should?
 
People go through this sort of internal questioning all the time.
 
Some succumb to their fears/self doubt because they cannot face or deal with the emotional turmoil such incidents cause. There are those folks who for what ever reason are just not equipped to mentally deal with those situations.
 
 Some because naturally it is much easier to give up, make excuses than it is to step forward, deal with the emotions/difficulties head on and just do it. Easier to live in your comfort zone than to face the fear and step out of it.
 
Some because they cannot deal with having others see them struggling to learn or accomplish this new thing. They cannot deal with "losing face" in that type of situation. (I've seen this one a lot with dominants especially though subbies are susceptible to this one as well)
 
Personally, perhaps because i am a very determined individual or just plain old hard headed i never worry about those questions. Yes, i have felt that trickle of fear but never doubted if i tried, just kept going at whatever it was, i could do it.
 
If i stopped trying something because i was afraid/frustrated/emotionally distraught, think of all the amazing stuff i would never have done/accomplished. 
 
Once i decide i am going to do/try/learn something then come hell or high water damn straight i am going to do it.



bound4more -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/6/2008 9:16:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

My question is, what are the fears you have faced in BDSM?  What has brought you to the point of fight of flight?  Did you face that challenge?  What was the outcome?

I have two answers of My own, but first, I would like to hear yours.



My greatest fear, deepest fear is showing what I really feel, need, want - especially if it's something that general society may consider wrong, sick or whatever.



Subductrssss -> RE: Courage in BDSM (10/6/2008 10:30:57 AM)

Another "Marshaism" to reply to this topic:

When I first started in BDSM I was reallly really jealous and not able to understand my partner seeing others, playing with others, having sex with others.  I have since evolved and while my preference is to be one on one I can see the advantages to other ways of the life and am even exploring some of them.

Anyways back then I was almost always in constant flight/fight mode because of my panic attacks and one Dom I REALLY wanted to be with had not told me He had a first girl.  He told me when we were in a park enjoying the day and said He wanted me to be His first girls sub.  I said and I quote "I don't give a rat's ass what You want, I have a say so here to" and I said it to start a fight.  He recognized it and backed down till I was back at my comfort level but although we were always good friends and He was my first mentor, we both realized it could not be a LTR in the way I wanted it.

Just me



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