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the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/4/2008 8:15:40 PM   
nhite


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline 		i guess the vanilla word would be introvert.  i cant be the first introvert to try and enter this little world of bdsm...   but i'm left wondering how the freaking hell anyone can maneuver their way through without having to deny who/what they are.

i'm not talking about being a silent stone off in the shadowy corners and waiting for the immaculate miracle of  'THE' dom to fall into my lap

i am pushing every goddamn limit and boundary i have ever had with this quest of mine to find someone to do to me what i crave so much to have done....   but i am never ever ever going to be a person that stands in the center of a crowded room and demands to be the center of all the attention

i cant imagine that is whats required to find a partner - but i dont seem to be able to make it happen otherwise

munches, parties, two different monthly club meetings -- i'm out and about to it all and yet sixteen months later i still haven't been spanked....  

i could just wear a say saying "spank me now" and it woudl get my result, but its so not who i am
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/4/2008 8:18:59 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Have you made friends? Do any of the friends top? Have you asked friends who they know how might be a good service top willing to initiate a newbie? Because you don't need to wear a sign, but you do need to let your desires be known.

Also, how many men in your area have you written to? Or are you hoping they'll just stumble over you? The great thing about email is that you don't have the fear of rejection that comes with going up to someone's face. You don't expect a response right away as is.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to nhite)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/4/2008 8:36:26 PM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		Better to take a longer time to find the Dom thats perfect for you than someone who will just do for now.  It can be a frustrating search, but its worth it in the end.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/4/2008 9:10:02 PM   
isisrose


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline 		I had the same problem in the beginning. I am shy by nature but i have always interested in having my first scene/experience. I found myself in two local groups last year this time. I went to my first play party and I was scared to death. Everyone was so nice it and i actually found someone who is a dear friend how spanked me. I was nervous but she was excellent. It was amazing to just watch her but then to actually experience her magic, it was beyond words. Now when i go to play parties i know that at least she will be there to spank me and most recently with going to munches and just generally hanging out i have found someone else who is working on the more mental side of BDSM with me. It new, scary, aggravating and awesome all in one nice tormenting bubble. So my advice is yeah you have to talk with friends and see what comes of it. That is what i did...

(in reply to caelestis)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/4/2008 10:39:42 PM   
sistermargaret


Posts: 101
Joined: 8/8/2008
Status: offline 		Yes dear, you absolutely must tell someone. None of us are mind readers ... ooooo that's a scary thought! When i met my Master, He was playing with someone else and i whispered to my girlfriend, "Wow, i'd sure love to bottom for that man". Well the silly gal went and told him!!!!!!! A little while later He came to me and asked if i'd like to bottom for Him for a light flogging. The rest, as they say, is history. i never in a million years would have asked Him myself, fearing the awkward humiliation of rejection. Thank goodness i'd told my gf of my outright lust for Him.
You can't keep your needs wants and desires all bottled up inside. Tell someone. It's the only way.
sm
 
All it takes is absolute surrender

(in reply to isisrose)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/4/2008 11:20:11 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Have you asked your husband to spank you?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to nhite)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 2:07:36 AM   
nhite


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline 		i do ask people;  i do use email;  i get positive responses of  'oh yeah that would be great!  that woudl be fun!  we'll have to do that' and then there's no follow-through even when i smile and say 'hey would that play still work for you?  oh yes!'  and then no follow-through.  

i very specificially said NOT waiting for a miracle of someone to fall in my lap -- i very much am putting myself out there and my desires out there; asking 'if not you, any leads' etc etc

and the comment about my husband is not the least bit relevant thank you -- if poly aint your thing then theres no need to be snarky about it

< Message edited by nhite -- 10/5/2008 2:10:52 AM >

(in reply to proudsub)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 5:36:53 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		Maybe you're putting "it" out there too much?   Maybe you seem too eager?   Change up your tactics a bit?  If something is not working for me, I begin to look at other ways to accomplish my goal. 

(in reply to nhite)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 5:48:13 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I am also an introvert, believe it or not. I am -drained- by being around people, and dread group stuff unbelievably. I work better alone, or in -very- small, very select groups. However, sometimes the thing one wants supersedes one's nature for a while, and this is where I am with my expressions of BDSM/fetish. I know that it is virtually impossible to find a servant for our household and a blood-toy for me while sitting on my ass -- so I get out and meet people. I'm also a science fiction author, and the days of being able to sit in one's study and write, and expect people to just buy the books without them ever seeing you at a Con or book signing are long-gone. I love to write, and I love to share my stories, so I go to Cons, and do signings, and sit through interviews. It is hard -- even at events I have to really work to avoid holing-up in my room for the entire thing.... especially when I've already had to escape the crowds once or twice to keep from being completely overwhelmed. I think, though, that in the end we do what is important to us -- my kink and my Darling's comfort are important to me. My writing is important to me. These things, and the requirements around them, are more compelling than my intense dislike for mass quantities of humanity.

BTW, I still say that "Mall" should be spelled "Maul".

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to nhite)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 9:41:27 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		How do you know proudsub was being snarky? I don't think she was. In a good relationship people are willing to go out of their comfort zone somewhat to please their partner. Unless it totally squicks him, why wouldn't he be willing to do this for you to see what it's like?

Which brings up the inevitable question of whether or not your relationship is good.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 10:12:10 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite
....   but i am never ever ever going to be a person that stands in the center of a crowded room and demands to be the center of all the attention

Neither am I.  You don't ever have to be.
quote:

i cant imagine that is whats required to find a partner - but i dont seem to be able to make it happen otherwise

Again, it isn't required.  Going to public events at all isn't required.  Some dig it, some don't.  Don't ever let anyone convince you that you have to participate in public play or munches to find a partner.  It may help some, but it's not a requirement.  It's been said around here that those who won't do so are "questionable."  I personally think it's "questionable" to think that's the best or only way to find someone.  Some get tunnel vision and all they can say is "get out into your local 'community.'"  Eh....maybe, maybe not.  Don't go against your own instincts or do what makes you feel uncomfortable.  I refused to and it's worked out wonderfully for me.  Master and I are a perfect example that you don't have to find your partner "locally" or by munching the night away ................... luci 

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to nhite)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 10:26:34 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite
....   but i am never ever ever going to be a person that stands in the center of a crowded room and demands to be the center of all the attention

Neither am I.  You don't ever have to be.





I agree.  I am working through being painfully shy in public.  it's only when I feel a certain comfort level that I can come out of my shell and be the extroverted me that my friends and familiy knows.  Just last week I went to my first munch ever - alone - and when I walked into the room I was met with a wall of people I did not know.  Hugely intimidating, and I wanted to turn and leave, and almost did.  Instead I sat at a table in the back of the room with all the other newbies who didn't know anyone, and found commeraderie with them.  Otherwise I would have felt totally out of place.  It was definitely a personal boundary pusher for me.  Now I've done it - yay, me.  I'm not sure I'll do it again.
quote:


Again, it isn't required.  Going to public events at all isn't required.  Some dig it, some don't.  Don't ever let anyone convince you that you have to participate in public play or munches to find a partner.  It may help some, but it's not a requirement.  It's been said around here that those who won't do so are "questionable."  I personally think it's "questionable" to think that's the best or only way to find someone.  Some get tunnel vision and all they can say is "get out into your local 'community.'"  Eh....maybe, maybe not.  Don't go against your own instincts or do what makes you feel uncomfortable.  I refused to and it's worked out wonderfully for me.  Master and I are a perfect example that you don't have to find your partner "locally" or by munching the night away ................... luci 


True.  There is no "one right way" to find somebody.  I agree with luci about not doing what doesn't feel right.  I'm ok with being pushed out of my comfort zone - I do that to myself all the time.  But if it doesn't feel right, well that's a different story.

Some people are just naturally shy or quiet or introverted.  It's ok to be who you are!!  In time the right fit will come along.  I wonder, though, if you are going to parties and such, and know people in your area, have you asked to bottom to someone?  What is the response if you do?

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to slaveluci)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 12:29:00 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		One note that I want to make is that I am still me when I choose to be active in public venues. I am still an introvert, and I am still uncomfortable with it. However, somewhere along the line, our culture has reinforced this idea that if something is difficult, painful, challenging, or scary, we shouldn't have to do it.

I am still the same person. I compromise -nothing- of my essential nature in choosing to get out and do public things. What I -am- doing is recognizing that things that are very important to me require me being more public than my nature inclines me towards, and making the decision that my desire to find blood-dolls to play with, a servant for my Darling and I, and readers for my novels is more important than my discomfort, and acting accordingly.

I think, sometimes, that people forget that they are not bound by their natures, and can -choose- different behaviors, responses, and actions to obtain what they want in their lives, though the trade-off may be that they have to do something that is more difficult than just accepting the status quo.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 12:48:06 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kallisto

Maybe you're putting "it" out there too much?   Maybe you seem too eager?   Change up your tactics a bit?  If something is not working for me, I begin to look at other ways to accomplish my goal. 


Nope, don't do that. Stay eager.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to kallisto)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 5:29:17 PM   
auburnvixen


Posts: 92
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite
and the comment about my husband is not the least bit relevant thank you -- if poly aint your thing then theres no need to be snarky about it


I didn't take proudsub's question as snarky, either. I took it as a legit question, from someone who was trying to help understand your situation.

Do you often become defensive/reactive to what people say or do? Perhaps potential play partners are put off by it.

_____________________________

"Submissive Alpha Female"
If you're not taking flak, you're not over the target.
'Change' is not a destination, just as 'hope' is not a strategy. - Rudy Giuliani

(in reply to nhite)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 5:36:50 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: auburnvixen
Do you often become defensive/reactive to what people say or do? Perhaps potential play partners are put off by it.

Agree 110%.  Proudsub's question was strictly informational, no emotional content.  Anyone so reactionary will never feel my hands on her.  Let's face it: if a guy hits a girl, he can go to jail.  I need to know the situation isn't going to blow up in my face.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to auburnvixen)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 6:56:38 PM   
s3xadd1ct


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/16/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite
and the comment about my husband is not the least bit relevant thank you -- if poly aint your thing then theres no need to be snarky about it


I'm sorry, at what point did you state you were poly and your husband wasn't interested in Dominating you? I'm poly, the wife is just now exploring her sub/Domme desires, even if she were vanilla, I wouldn't take offense and be as defensive. Though to get back on topic the question is quite relevant. You are complaining that no one will Dominate you. Is your defensive answer meant to imply that your husband is vanilla? I looked at your profile and while I do see that you state your husband is vanilla, I still see nothing that says poly. Keep in mind most people would prefer not to have to go reading a profile to discover the answer to such questions. Generally this is something that should be included in your original post, especially if you are going to be defensive about it. Since you have opened the door to polyamory and your profile doesn't say otherwise, do any other friends/boyfriends/girlfriends of yours know you want to be Dominated?

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 7:48:08 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		I'm naturally introverted and it's not my favorite quality about me. It has had an effect and impact on developing all kinds of relations with people from intimate to personal to professional. It has been a painful road to developing extroversion and only the last 3 years has it been a conscious effort on my part by the epiphany that if I was ever going to be successful in any endeavor, I was going to have to develop people skills.

Here's my take on this issue : People a lot of the time like to hide behind the notion of "Just be yourself, because that's all you can be, whether or not it's good enough for anyone else". That, in my opinion, is the slogan of underachievers and people who don't want to change and grow. It's a cop out. The reality is their is things about you that suck and those things are probably holding you back from achieving what you want in some way or another.

Making the decision to change from a book worm who could barely manage basic social relations to somebody who can (and sometimes can't) charm a group of people and can (and sometimes can't) approach a woman in a grocery store and have her laughing and smiling in a few minutes was the best decision I ever made. In all probably, very few things in life are going to land in your lap whether it's new customers for your business, a new job opportunity, new friends, or a new lover. To get those things, you have to be willing and able to interact with strangers and pass out business cards, network, have a decent conversation and flirt.

So based on a lot of painful experiences....
  • Whatever it is your after or looking for through human interaction, you can't be desperate and solely fixated on finding it. People can sense that vibe and it will throw them off. You have to go out with the intent of just simply enjoying the company of people, trying to make friends, and then waiting for the opportunities to present themselves.
  • Everyone is always going to say "Sure! That sounds great!" in response to any solicitation, regardless of whether the answer is yes or no, because we live in a polite and nice society. Being nice and polite requires lying through your teeth sometimes. Read a book on body language. Being able to tell what a person is really saying is very important.
  • How comfortable you feel depends a lot on the environment your in. It's not always just you. If your with a tightly knit group of people who are ignoring you and not making any effort to include you in the dynamics, your going to have a lot harder coming out of your introverted shell and connecting with people then a friendly and high energy environment.



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
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Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/5/2008 8:34:09 PM   
Brownbohemian


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		Hang in there. This community can be tough but it just takes time for some. I wish I could say more but I find myself in the same place. But I have found friends and that is a plus. What's sad is I am a Dom and pretty damn good but, haven't found the right sub. Trust me it will happen for all of us.

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: the 'quiet' side of bdsm - 10/6/2008 6:51:04 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

and the comment about my husband is not the least bit relevant thank you -- if poly aint your thing then theres no need to be snarky about it


I apologize if my question sounded "snarky", didn't intend it to.  Thank you to those who commented on it.

The reason I asked is because I was in your shoes and was afraid to talk to Hubby about my new found desires.  I went outside my marriage and Hubby found out and we had a long talk about it, He forgave me and is now my Dom and He loves spanking me.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to nhite)
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