RE: Keeping it vanilla at the beginning...

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RE: Keeping it vanilla at the beginning... - 10/7/2008 3:12:16 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
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quote:

Honey, I disagree. It's as simple as that.

No offense sweetheart but I think we can assume that since my opinion is in direct contrast to everything you have said here, and most likely every thing you every will say here, than yes in fact, you would disagree. It is okay, it is normal, it is the normal course in any discussion to find agreement or to agree to disagree.

But if you feel it is important to keep saying it, than do so to your hearts content.

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RE: Keeping it vanilla at the beginning... - 10/7/2008 6:59:00 PM

mypassion

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone

quote:

Honey, I disagree. It's as simple as that.

No offense sweetheart but I think we can assume that since my opinion is in direct contrast to everything you have said here, and most likely every thing you every will say here, than yes in fact, you would disagree. It is okay, it is normal, it is the normal course in any discussion to find agreement or to agree to disagree.

But if you feel it is important to keep saying it, than do so to your hearts content.

I'm not offended. I simply don't see the point in stating views that I've already made clear. I felt that at this point, while I've enjoyed the discussion with you, I have nothing else to say. So I thought a simple "I disagree" would be response enough. Even if you were already aware of the fact. Lol.

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RE: Keeping it vanilla at the beginning... - 10/7/2008 7:16:56 PM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
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I don't really see any virtue in one strategy over the other. The person is either going to suit you across the board or not. What order you learn these things really doesn't matter in the big scheme. In the end the numbers will add up or they will not whether you add from last to first or from first to last. I have my own way of doing things and even see gaping flaws in the way others do their thing but I never expect them to do it my way just because I do it that way.

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RE: Keeping it vanilla at the beginning... - 10/9/2008 2:24:13 PM

moonvine

Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

I read on another thread (and have seen many times before) someone saying they wanted to "keep it vanilla" for a while in a new relationship to see if they liked this person, etc, blah, blah.

I don't understand. If I wanted to date vanilla, I would. Do they mean they will not have sex? Or they will not have kinky sex right away?

For me, when I was dating in BDSM (it's been a few years now), I needed to find out how we related in a D/s way- that was much more important, as that is what I was lookng for.

When Master and I first met- we were just that- He was Dominant and I was submissive. We began as we would go on. We didn't have sex right away- His choice - but ours roles were extremely clear and, anyway, the dynamic encompasses so much more than sex.

If you get along in a vanilla way, how could you possibly transfer that knowledge into a power exchange dynamic? People can be totally different when there is no dynamic.

How do you interpret this phrase, and does it make sense to you?

It makes perfect sense to me. I can't possibly figure out what someone else would mean by saying something, but I can give you some examples that would apply to me.

I do cat rescue and doing cat rescue is as much a part of me as being submissive is. So if I were to come across a man who was allergic to cats, or hated cats, or resented the time I spent helping cats, that would not work for me as much as someone who would never consider beating a woman under any circumstances would work for me. So if I have a kitten that I have to get up every 2 hours during the night to bottle feed, that kitten comes before you, because if I do not feed the kitten the kitten will die.

Another thing is self-protective, if I submit to someone then the relationship is on a much deeper level for me than dating in a vanilla way, so I get attached sometimes much faster than I really should, as has been shown in some of my posts here lately.....then it takes months or years for me to get in the proper frame of mind to even begin to look again...

I do know of people tho who have met their kinky others on vanilla sites such as okcupid. So I guess different things work for different people. Yeah, I'm real profound today....

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RE: Keeping it vanilla at the beginning... - 10/9/2008 3:27:53 PM

tornaway

Posts: 174
Joined: 4/14/2007
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       Alot of these decisions have to do with personal preference , and comfort levels . And then there's that particular chemistry between the parties involved . And even then , it can vary from meeting one person versus another.   Sometimes it feels absolutely ok to jump right in to just about anything - and other times it doesn't feel right for anything sexual , until after several meetings have elapsed  .    OR , not ever .

     Another factor can be distance . If someone is traveling a fair distance to be with the other for the first time , often things are accelerated in order to find out as much as possible while you're together . If you have the luxury of being able to have regular , casual visits there may be less pressure - but not necessarily less lust !   Vanilla , or otherwise !

       Gotta march to your own drummer on this one !

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RE: Keeping it vanilla at the beginning... - 10/9/2008 6:24:15 PM

peacelili

Posts: 29
Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:

If I'm not compatible with a man on every day issues, I won't be compatible with him in a D/s relationship. There has to be that mental/emotional/interllectual connection.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kallisto

i would have to say that this is my stance also...as time does not always allow for the sexual part of D/s there must be a foundation for the D/s to work.

i would take the statement originally made as meaning that one is exploring the D/s without jumping right into the sexual part, as my mind tends to think in a submissive way, a part that is the very ingrained core of who i am...if one i was trying to start a relationship with were not able to connect on these levels...then the sex part would be just kinky sex and we would then move on and continue searching....

peace
lili

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Post #: 46

RE: Keeping it vanilla at the beginning... - 10/9/2008 6:59:59 PM

usemekinky

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/9/2008
From: Aloha OR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

For me it meant that I wanted to be friends first, not just go straight to the kinky sex. Sure the kinky sex is pretty fantastic but I don't do casual sex. I wanted a relationship and to be honest, very little of our time is spent with the toy bag out. Most of it is spent doing normal stuff, watching a soccer game, going grocery shopping, talking about our day. If that normal everyday connection wasn't there, then why bother taking off my clothes?

I think DesFIP said it just about perfectly. I'm looking for the whole package, I want to know we are compatible doing normal things, before I let the lust take over.

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