play and partners... (Full Version)

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Duckiemine -> play and partners... (9/29/2008 11:22:56 PM)

           BDSM or what ever term you wish to use can be a very intresting thing to a self admitted newbie (aka me). I was talking to someone today and it was asked of me, like it always is... what are you seeking? well this gave me pause, because my obvious answers right now are friendships, conversation, information... that type of thing... because as of yet the closest thing I have expirinced to BDSM is being tied up with a belt one time... but that hasn't stopped my curiosity with other sensations...but then agian, to know you must expirince... so I mentioned that and also I *might* look for a play partner here soon, that way I could know what it is that turns my crank in a scene...lol.. or to have even expirinced a scene where I learned what doesn't work( this wouldn't include sex for me personally, at least in the beginning)... when I mentioned this I was kind of shocked at the responce I got... it was very negitive, and pretty much saying that a sub doesn't play with just anyone, she only plays with someone shes collared to or who her Dom says she can and that sex always ends it... well duh, I'm not going to play with just anyone, but heres the thing I don't have a Dom, this is on purpose because I'm not actually sure what I can offer  within that dynamic just yet... Anywho, here are my questions...
Can play happen without sex?
Do any of ya'll have a strictly friends/play relationship with someone?
Does it work well?

(Please excuse the rambleing and the elipses, I tend to think and type like william shatner speaks.)



hlen5 -> RE: play and partners... (9/29/2008 11:32:40 PM)

Duckiemine,

I'm new to this too, but I think one thing you will find to be true here is there is no "one way" to experience bdsm. Take your time, find people (Doms and subs) you enjoy speaking with. Learn and trust your gut reactions. Let things unfold as they will. As long as you are enjoying yourself, don't let someone pressure you to do things that you are not comfortable with. Good Luck in your search!!



azropedntied -> RE: play and partners... (9/29/2008 11:34:53 PM)

YES , YES , and yes sometimes hell YESSSSSSSSS .to answer your questions .



MasterFireMaam -> RE: play and partners... (9/29/2008 11:42:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duckiemine
Can play happen without sex?
Do any of ya'll have a strictly friends/play relationship with someone?
Does it work well?


Yes, play can happen without sex, just make it clear up front that you mean it...and mean it.
I've had play partner relationships that were very successful. I enjoyed them for what they were.
Whether a relationship, no matter what kind, works or doesn't depends on the honesty and communication present.

Master Fire



leakylee -> RE: play and partners... (9/29/2008 11:43:14 PM)

dont let anyone tell you how to do things for YOU. your opinions, morals, standards are yours. no one should try to change that. just like anything else they can present arguements, sides, and opinions, but it is your decision in the end.

finding people that you are comfortable with helps immensely. Doms, and switches can help with the play and exploring the S&M portion of things, and like hlen said, subs can help sort out the other side of things. just finding those that you have a connection with makes life much much easier. a play partner can really enrich life. my only advise would be someone who will go at your pace. who wont over reach what you can tolerate. who can help you process things if they get a bit hairy, and if by chance you do a get bit frenzied will help you put on the breaks.

just be yourself and dont be afraid to tell the overbearing chestbeaters to take a flying leap..hehe..

smooches
lee



fontane -> RE: play and partners... (9/29/2008 11:45:53 PM)

I think it can happen, but for me at least, its never as good as with sex within a mtr/ltr. its just more intense when theres powerful feelings shared. I can't imagine its going to be hard to find a nsa scene person around here.



MaamJay -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 2:13:12 AM)

I think finding a play partner you can trust sufficiently and experiencing some initial things is a great part of the journey of discovery. To rush off and find a "permanent Dom" or Master and get collared really doesn't make sense for most people as you're kind of giving uninformed consent! Better to be more educated as to what bdsm means to you and have a clearer idea of what you are looking for and offering first. Most people find they undergo quite a lot of change and growth in that initial period. Sex most definitely does NOT have to be a part of initial play ... though it is worth carefully discussing exactly what you and He define as "sex". For some, that means no full nudity and certainly no touching ... for others, it means stopping short of penetrative intercourse but touching and oral is ok ... or it could be anything in between! Remember communication is essential!

If you can get in touch with a local scene and meet people at a munch and then attend a play party, you will learn a lot by watching and may find success in locating someone you click with at a comfort/trust level enough to allow for a short negotiated play session. The advantage of being in a public party is that you can be under the protection of the hosts and/or the Dungeon Monitors so as long as they know you are a newbie, they will keep a careful eye on how the scene goes. That can be a lot safer than meeting someone alone. Never meet for play first anyway, have a vanilla meeting to get to know them a bit first. Find out about safe calls ... and safe words too! Don't be pushed by anyone into going further than you want to at first.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]




tweedydaddy -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 3:06:23 AM)

Since LadyLove and I have been ecstatically married for 25 years and she has four male subs all twice as big as I am and I regularly take on sub ladies for fun and friendship of course you can have relationships that are all about play.
Play partners make great friends too, when we recently had a bad time of it, it was our subbie friends who kept us smiling. We have some great people in our little circle,everyone knows their place and is perfectly happy with it.
Ladylove's subs mostly have girlfriends and extremely successful lives, no one outside of our people knows what they like to do.  If Romance got into the equation they would probably tear each other apart, if things got rough I would think twice about stepping to in to stop them, they are all over six feet tall and fit as butcher's bulldogs! We keep everything calm and friendly and we all get along really well. They all like the balance of Mistress having a Master for a husband and it quells any sense of competition they may have. With no chance of a romantic relationship the emotional side of things stays under control. Maybe that's just the English for you. I have sub Ladies of different ages and some married, some not, but it's all about play and friendship, not possession either way, I have relationships that are strictly play that have been going on for thirty years.
In fact I would hazard to say that some of my play partners would despair of being my full time Lover or Wife, because I'm too much for them.
I have a powerful, eccentric, funny personality and I swamp any woman who was not strong in herself, hence LadyLove being a fellow Dominant made for the happiest of matches. All our subs are happy and wouldn't keep coming if they weren't!



Duckiemine -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 3:08:05 AM)

thanks for all your advice, I have gotten in touch with my local scene, and I went to my first munch (and hopefully many more are to come[:)]) this past month,and the people were great.



Usako -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 4:43:04 AM)

I suggest avoiding anyone who tries to tell you there is only one way to do something, especially in BDSM. Subs can do whatever the hell they want really, just like a dom can. If there is a relationship THEN that's when all the "rules" are worked out. But if you're single then eff that crap and be free and happy.

I've only recently begun actively exploring BDSM, like literally since this Summer. I have yet to mix sex and play since I'm not into one night flings or whatever. I was lucky to find a steady play partner though, not on CM though. Haven't met anyone interesting on this bloody site yet! lol But yeah, having a friend who might also play is helpful, so is just talking. I don't play with just anyone, I really truely enjoy it when there is some sort of connection; be it love, friendship or even just attraction.

So yes, there can be play without sex. I currently have a play partner/friend and so far it's working ok. I'm not going to get my hopes up since nothing lasts forever but for now, it suits me since I'm still exploring.



DesFIP -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 5:17:44 AM)

If you aren't interested in anything but play, that's fine. Just be clear about looking for play only partners so that people who are interested in relationships know they aren't compatible.

You might do best in getting involved in your local community, making friends there, and playing publicly to begin with. Because it's awfully easy in the heat of the moment to change your mind and decide you do want sex. Making friends, telling the DM or party host what your limits are will help to prevent you making unwise decisions when your head isn't clear.

As far as having to experience it to know if you're interested, I'm not sure about that. I think our fantasies also can tell us a lot about what we're drawn to. If you dream about bondage, you know you're interested in that. If reading a story on enemas makes you go "Ick", then you know you aren't interested in that.



persephonee -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 6:58:50 AM)

You can absolutely play without sex and you can play with sex....you do not need a Dom to give you the ability to explore things.

What you do need to consider is finding a knowledgeable playpartner who is either single or in an OPEN AND HONEST relationship that allows for you to come into that one part of it.

i have 2 right now. They are very good to me and we have an ongoing relationship outside of the beatings and the whatnot.

i have only fielded that feeling of superiority/puritanism once in my community...and if i recall...i think i may have snorted some diet coke thru my nose and dismissed him.

i firmly believe that you should do as you feel is right to learn what you need to learn.

Have fun...and be safe and dont make silly choices that your gut tells you is the wrong one....just be sensible and youll find sensible people in real life to hang out with.

Playing in public gives you the opportunity to play and lessens the pressure you may feel to take it further than you may want to go. If you do decide to go further...base it on thoughts you have when you are not playing. Choose wisely, grasshopper....the rewards are great for the ones who are open to them.

peace and pleather

perse



graceadieu -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 9:21:01 PM)

I don't play without sex (sexual service is one of my biggest kinks), but I think a lot of people do. And I've currently got two play partner/friendship arrangements going on quite happily and successfully. One of which, in fact, I met on CM.



AquaticSub -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 9:30:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duckiemine
*snip*
a sub doesn't play with just anyone, she only plays with someone shes collared to or who her Dom says she can and that sex always ends it...
*Snip*

Heh... how many play parties has this person been too?
quote:


Can play happen without sex?

Yes
quote:


Do any of ya'll have a strictly friends/play relationship with someone?

Yes
quote:


Does it work well?

Does for me.



peppermint -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 9:31:40 PM)

quote:

Can play happen without sex?
Do any of ya'll have a strictly friends/play relationship with someone?
Does it work well?


Our playing style is normally no sex, although the play can be very sensual.  Before meeting Gary I had a Dom friend and we played well together.  He was the first Dom I'd ever been with and he gave me a variety of experiences.  We are still great friends and Gary and he have become good friends too.  Nice to have two of the special men in your life like each other.  We're always emailing, calling, and visiting each other.  He has since found a lady of his own....and it's great as she's also become a great friend. 



myotherself -> RE: play and partners... (9/30/2008 9:58:36 PM)

***FR***

I play with partners that don't expect - or get! - sexual services.  I'm a masochist and enjoy the variety of pain play I get with different Dom/mes.   I've been in this lifestyle for about 6 years now, and have evolved greatly since I began.  When I started I thought I was a service slave....now I realise that I'm not particularly service-oriented and definitely not slave-like!  I'm a pain slut with submissive tendencies, and I found that out by playing with others and talking to those more knowledgeable than myself.

I regularly attend local munches, have made some wonderful friends and met some great play partners.  Remember - be choosy about who you play with, make the rules crystal clear from the word go and avoid the 'twue doms' like the plague!




Cyis75 -> RE: play and partners... (10/1/2008 12:55:35 PM)

As others have said there is no "one way"... it is what works for you and those you choose to get involved with. If sex is a limit then simply make that known up front and those that can deal with it will be okay and those that won't will move on. There is nothing that says you have to be collared to someone before you can scene/play with them. Over there years I've played with many that I have not collared and I've had those that I have had collared play with others. In many cases it is because one dominant/top may have a skill that the submissive wants to experience and it can be done without there being a formal collar there. Find what works for you and enjoy.



kiwisub12 -> RE: play and partners... (10/1/2008 4:20:10 PM)

My Sir has several women that he plays with - both regularly and irregularly. He thoroughly enjoys them and their differences, and there is no intercourse involved. That isn't to say it isn't sexual - if their limits allow it, he does penetration and orgasm with toys, and a great time is had by all! [:D]

One of the things i think the women enjoy so much is that there is no strings, and no pressure. If they don't want to play, they don't call him.
We have fun in our house.



LadyPact -> RE: play and partners... (10/2/2008 2:57:21 AM)

Like everyone else has said, there's no one way to do this thing.   I do happen to have My way of doing things, but My way isn't going to work for everyone, just like other people's ways aren't necessarily going to work for Me.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Duckiemine
Can play happen without sex?
Do any of ya'll have a strictly friends/play relationship with someone?
Does it work well?

To answer your questions:

Play can absolutely happen without physical sex.  In fact, most of Mine does.  I've played with a lot of bottoms over the years, and most of those scenes haven't involved anyone seeing or touching Me naked.  I'm also an equal opportunity Top, which means I'll play with either male or female bottoms.  Since I am completely straight, there's no sexual connection with the latter for Me.

I've had several play only type friendships over time.  One is with a girl who I played with for the first time a couple of years ago who dropped by just yesterday.  We have great scene energy together.  The nice part is that we have a good friendship as well, so we have a comfort level.  There are also male bottoms that I play with that I consider friends.

For Me, it works very well.  Not everyone out there is submissive material for Me, and I'm not Dominant material for them.  However, we do make good play partners, which can be really fun.  We're only going around once, so it might as well be something we can enjoy.

Some other tips........

Like someone else said, play publicly.  There are a lot of places that don't allow sexual contact/full nudity during play.  That eliminates the whole issue right there, even if you are 'swept up.'

Do what you can to get to know who you will be playing with.  Chose people who will respect your limits. 

Make sure your boundaries are clearly established and brush up on your negotiation skills.  You can read a lot about both right here on these forums.

Now that you've been to your local group, get to know them, and let them get to know you.  Everybody was new once.  At one time, the people who are the experienced folks today, had the same questions you have now.

Best of luck to you.  I hope you have a lot of fun.





WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: play and partners... (10/2/2008 3:26:31 AM)

Some people have play partners, some people are involved in deeply committed relationships.  Some people are poly and some people are one-on-one mono.  There's a wide variety of combinations.



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