RE: Cheating and Betrayal of Trust

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RE: Cheating and Betrayal of Trust - 9/24/2008 12:45:19 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Questions like this set up an artificial construct. On the one hand is a totally devoted partner, always interested in communicating freely and trying to find ways to meet both partners' needs. And on the other is an amoral monster who is so self centered and greedy that they think nothing of destroying their own home and family to satisfy a momentary lust.

Folks, it doesn't work that way.

What you get is one person who is unhappy with themselves, their job, their lack of material success, guilt misplaced or not, who seeks to relieve those feelings by using their partner as a whipping boy; always criticizing, never being grateful. The partner responds with anger and resentment. The party of the first part then reacts to the anger with more anger and lashes out even more. The partner responds more intensely.

Six months or six years later, the person who was the scape goat gets fed up, and decides they don't deserve this, they do deserve a little happiness even if it's just an afternoon in a no name motel. At which point the abusive partner suddenly morphs into a saint? And all the degradation, all the abuse doesn't matter because, after all, they didn't cheat? Not in my book.

As to why people who have been put down don't walk away? There are several graduate level textbooks written on how abused spouses come to believe themselves unable to get free. One thing that we do know is that when you have been beaten down that long and that hard, it is a lot easier to believe yourself worthy more when someone else starts believing in you.

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RE: Cheating and Betrayal of Trust - 9/24/2008 1:08:42 PM

pixidustpet

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Joined: 6/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Irishknight

I have complete permission to freely shag any babe who is willing. My wife of 5 years demands only that I be honest about it. She still chastises me if I do "ugly chics" but sometimes we disagree on who is ugly and who isn't.

heh. my ex and i finally had to have the discusion on "no more psychotic blondes!"

he moved on to a psychotic redhead. *eyeroll*

kitten

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RE: Cheating and Betrayal of Trust - 9/24/2008 9:01:54 PM

WyldHrt

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quote:

I know my view will be unpopular and will hope we don’t have to argue…lol… I just can’t be real flexible after all I have seen in this area.

No argument from me, Lockit. I can only speak for myself, but had there been ums in the picture, my decision would have undoubtedly been different. That said, DesFip is pretty on target about how one can come to see themselves as trapped after years of abuse or neglect. For me, it wasn't about helping the situation with my husband or a few moments of pleasure; it was about accepting the fact that that my marriage was truly dead and moving on with my life. I'm sorry, but when someone treats the person they are supposed to "love, honor, and cherish" like an unwelcome roommate, and does so for years, they really shouldn't be surprised when their partner "gets a life" that doesn't include them.

Some here, like Tabris, will likely demonize me or my actions because I should have "just walked away". Really? That thought never occurred to me.

Honestly, this is my favourite "no excuse for cheating" statement. Just walk away, so simple. Too bad the real world isn't that simple and "just walking" takes more than packing up and leaving.

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RE: Cheating and Betrayal of Trust - 9/24/2008 9:08:52 PM

MissSCD

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Joined: 3/10/2007
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My divorce was like the ultimate betrayal to me.   I caught my ex cheating via e-mail.
To make a long story short, I was so angry in the beginning that I could not feel anything.   I started doing crazy things to try and make my self feel.   I went two years without crying.
End the end of it, I look at it like this.   I had a marriage and learned one thing in the state of South Carolina which is do not remarry.
Equity laws destroy any hope of trust again even with a prenup.
I am engaged to my slave, and he lives in his own home. I live in my home. We see each other on the weekends.
I still have times where I wish I could go back, but to what?

Regards, MissSCD

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RE: Cheating and Betrayal of Trust - 9/25/2008 11:19:17 AM

DesFIP

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Thanks WyldHrt. I suppose what I wanted to say boils down to this; a relationship is made up of agreements and all those agreements matter, not just the ones related to sex. So if one breaks the agreement about caring about the other, then the person to blame is that person not the other who gives up years later and then finds someone else to care about them.

I've known too many people who think they can do anything they want, be as verbally and emotionally abusive as possible, and yet still consider themselves good and moral because they "didn't cheat". Not in my book. Where I sit, both parts have to abide by their word and when one person breaks the marital agreement, then the other person is free.

Beyond that, I've known people married to those too ill with chronic, degenerative diseases and the last thing I would do is condemn them to no affection from anyone during those long years of caring for a slowly dying spouse. MS or Lou Gehrig's are horrible illnesses, both on the sufferer and the rest of the family. Or a major difference in ages where a 50 year old has to put their 75 year old husband in a home. If he lives till 100 should she be condemned to never being held or loved? Not by me, and yes, these are all situations that have happened to friends.

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RE: Cheating and Betrayal of Trust - 9/25/2008 4:44:57 PM

Lockit

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I can really agree with all of you, even though my first reaction is one of being inflexable! I have seen people that were negected and I do consider that a form of abuse and they went and got their needs met. In some situations... hey... I would agree it has had a wonderful result and I might have done the same in the same situation. Many have grown a lot from it! I think there are cheaters and then there are cheaters... far different people in different situations and on a personal level, say with someone I know, knowing the situation, I could never blame them or judge them! I would typically understand and love them, no matter what.

Being ill myself... I have had to think about what might happen and how I would want my partner to have their needs met. It is even discussed in relationships I might be considering. No way am I going to harm my beloved in not being able to meet his needs and expect him to be faithful to me sexually! We will have an agreement if that ever does happen and life takes me there. I have known men who were in love with their spouse who was ill and they had to go out to get certain needs met and I was all for it. They would never abandon their spouse and it was love and honor that kept them there and nothing and no one could or would be a threat to that. In cases like this.. I have even seen where the ill spouse could not know as it would be upsetting and I did understand. I couldn't be a part of it, because of who I am and how I would never want to hurt the ill spouse, but I understood it. My heart breaks for people in that situation.

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