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D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/23/2008 7:53:35 AM

HisGirl83

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/23/2008
Status: offline

It's quite a balancing act and I'm having a difficult time. It's been a couple years since I was an active poster but I first came here when I met the Man of my dreams and I wanted input on my millions of questions. I'm back because I have more. :)

We got married a little over a year ago after living together for 2 years. During those 2 years we developed some trust issues- me not trusting Him for certain things. We went to counseling, worked things out, and all was gravvy. But the issues never really went away and with the rise of my distrust came the loss of my submission and His desire to Master me. We do communicate ad nauseum so I don't really know what I'm asking except...

How do you get over broken trust and get back what you had? It seems that though our relationship is better than most, I've lost the part of me that trusted so completely that I could bend to any request. How do you get that back?

Post #: 1

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/23/2008 8:09:01 AM

ChampagneMojito

Posts: 77
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: UK
Status: offline

You sound sad and weary - I feel for you.

I'm not sure whether you can go back to an emotional place you once were, but you can certainly build something new incorporating many of its important aspects.

I guess the real question is why the trust was lost in the first place, and whether or not you've received adequate reassurances that the reasons for mistrust are now gone completely?

I think in most real long term BDSM relationships, the level of Dominance or submission you feel at different points waxes and wanes. Our relationships are as complicated as the lives we lead.

Wishing you well.

E

_____________________________

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~Anaïs Nin

(in reply to HisGirl83)

Post #: 2

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/23/2008 8:20:14 AM

MsOpal

Posts: 244
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline

Hi HisGirl,
It is always sad to me when any couple has trust issues, because trust is so important and once lost, or damaged, it can be nearly impossible to regain. Certainly it is hard to get back to the level of trust you once had. To me it is almost worse in a Ds couple when the trust the sub has in the Dom has been lost, because (IMHO) a "D" really is supposed to take care of the s. When the s looses that deep "do anything" trust then the very foundation of the relationship is in danger. It is very difficult to rebuild. In some instances it may be impossible. If the breech of trust was over a major facet in the relationship, or if the behavior was repeated several times, then it will be very hard to rebuild. However, with deep love and a strong committment to each other and the relationship plus lots of time and patience and emotional energy from both of you aimed at rebuilding the relationship slowly, it can be done. The most important thing is for you to really, honestly forgive him. If you want to get back to where you have that total trust, you cannot hold on to what ever happened. Let it go. If you can do something symbolic (once I burned a letter) it can help. If you have any spiritual leanings that allow for "spells or charms" research what colors and fragrances/oils would represent the loss of trust and use them in a small ceremony. It may sound silly, but sometimes ritualistic, physical acts really can help us visualize letting go of the hurt and move past it. I can tell you this: when you can get on with your relationship and things get better, it will be amazingly better.
Good luck.
Opal

_____________________________

He held out His hand and said "Step into the abyss with me."

and I did.

(in reply to HisGirl83)

Post #: 3

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/23/2008 8:20:47 AM

MAMandSlave

Posts: 110
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline

I dont know if your counselor was kink friendly, but many do not understand the dynamic, and focus on equality in thier counseling techniques. (I am a lisenced therapist) I would suggest that you return to therapy, looking for a therapist in the KAP (kink aware professionals) website. Work with them to restore trust while restoring the power dynamic in your relationship at the same time. There are counselors that understand the d/s relationships and the trust needed within them.

(in reply to ChampagneMojito)

Post #: 4

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/23/2008 8:22:20 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl83

How do you get over broken trust and get back what you had? It seems that though our relationship is better than most, I've lost the part of me that trusted so completely that I could bend to any request. How do you get that back?

Unfortunately, only time and both sides being an open book will restore lost trust. Many people never make it back from that brink.

Another thing that really makes a difference is forgiveness... not just -saying- "I forgive you", but really letting go of that past person that one holds on to and whips out every time things get shaky or one gets scared. Letting go of that hurt -- really letting go of it, and living in the present rather than the past eventually allow those wounds to heal. There will probably always be a tender spot on the psyche there, but forgiveness and letting go are like Mederma for emotional scars -- they help the damage to fade over time.

If we cling to past hurts, that is like picking a scab on the damage. It leaves a visible scar, and hurts every time we rip the scab off. Sometimes it is the other person that tears off the scab by repeated offenses, but if you've worked things out between you, been working with a professional to resolve the conflicts, and you've accepted the chance to rebuild your relationship, the best thing you can do is to allow those old hurts to fade away by actively 'discarding' the thoughts of the things that cost your trust as they come up, and replacing them with evidence of your relationship's current health. For a while, it is going to need to be an active process, where you'll have to pay attention to when those unproductive thoughts creep in, and actively make a point to dismiss them and replace them with productive, current things. After a while, though, it will become subconscious, and then unconscious, and you'll find that your relationship has healed.

I know this is going to sound like strange advice, but -don't- talk about the past and what happened. If you keep bringing it up and dwelling on it, you're not going to be able to let it go to heal from it. Communication is an imperative in a relationship, but it can also sabotage a relationship if the communication dwells on past hurts and issues that have already come to resolution. Use your communication to focus on your future together, and on the progress you are making, rather than on past hurts and previous mistakes. Once a mistake has been forgiven, let it go and move forward.

This is going to take time. In a way, it is almost like starting over from scratch -- but even harder because you have to let go of a lot of history. I'm not talking weeks or months here -- it wouldn't seem strange to me, as a pastoral care provider, to hear that it took a couple of years to completely get past the trust issues... but it sounds like the relationship is worth the cost of a couple of years of work -now- for the potential of a lifetime of joy to come.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to HisGirl83)

Post #: 5

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/23/2008 8:45:16 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl83

It's quite a balancing act and I'm having a difficult time. It's been a couple years since I was an active poster but I first came here when I met the Man of my dreams and I wanted input on my millions of questions. I'm back because I have more. :)

We got married a little over a year ago after living together for 2 years. During those 2 years we developed some trust issues- me not trusting Him for certain things.Then why did you get married?? We went to counseling, worked things out, and all was gravvy. But the issues never really went away and with the rise of my distrust came the loss of my submission and His desire to Master me. We do communicate ad nauseum so I don't really know what I'm asking except...

How do you get over broken trust and get back what you had? It seems that though our relationship is better than most, I've lost the part of me that trusted so completely that I could bend to any request. How do you get that back?

Might I suggest you read the journal entry dated below of this particular profile? It might help.
http://www.collarme.com/personals/v/681362/details.htm
9/4/2008 1:51:35 PM

(in reply to HisGirl83)

Post #: 6

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/24/2008 10:45:00 AM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl83

It's quite a balancing act and I'm having a difficult time. It's been a couple years since I was an active poster but I first came here when I met the Man of my dreams and I wanted input on my millions of questions. I'm back because I have more. :)

We got married a little over a year ago after living together for 2 years. During those 2 years we developed some trust issues- me not trusting Him for certain things. We went to counseling, worked things out, and all was gravvy. But the issues never really went away and with the rise of my distrust came the loss of my submission and His desire to Master me. We do communicate ad nauseum so I don't really know what I'm asking except...

How do you get over broken trust and get back what you had? It seems that though our relationship is better than most, I've lost the part of me that trusted so completely that I could bend to any request. How do you get that back?

HisGirl83, you don't get back what you had, you create something new and different something better because really after a loss of trust you are different in the way you react and feel toward and about each other.
Sometimes it works and it's actually better and sometimes it falls apart. What happens will depend on the two of you and how hard you work at it. Of course you both realize you must change things about you "both" that led to that issue of mistrust. This can't be about blame.............. it must be about healing and forgiveness if you can.
It's probably one of the most difficult things you will ever do but if you can forgive him or each other you have the opportunity to have weathered something that most never do. It will make you both stronger, more committed, more appreciative of each other.
What is interesting is that when you choose to forgive someone, even if you don't tell them so they unconsciously began to change the way they react toward you. You begin to change your reactions and interactions with that person.
The biggest gift of forgiveness is the peace it gives you.

I wish you peace, good luck

scarlet

< Message edited by scarlethiney -- 9/24/2008 10:47:30 AM >

_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.

see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to HisGirl83)

Post #: 7

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/24/2008 11:46:05 AM

JewAndCelt

Posts: 110
Joined: 8/23/2008
From: Arkansas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl83

It's quite a balancing act and I'm having a difficult time. It's been a couple years since I was an active poster but I first came here when I met the Man of my dreams and I wanted input on my millions of questions. I'm back because I have more. :)

We got married a little over a year ago after living together for 2 years. During those 2 years we developed some trust issues- me not trusting Him for certain things. We went to counseling, worked things out, and all was gravvy. But the issues never really went away and with the rise of my distrust came the loss of my submission and His desire to Master me. We do communicate ad nauseum so I don't really know what I'm asking except...

How do you get over broken trust and get back what you had? It seems that though our relationship is better than most, I've lost the part of me that trusted so completely that I could bend to any request. How do you get that back?

Just what did cause you to mistrust? And if it's that serious, why even marry this person? If you went into this commitment already mistrusting him, then the two of you already 'set the tone' of the entire relationship, so to speak.

There's not much to be done, other than counselling and communication. If the underlying problems are resolved, then I dare say that you need to look within yourself for the answer, not to any of us.

_____________________________

Maturity is patience. Mastery is nine times patience.

!!!!!!כי לא נולד הבן זונה שיעצור את ישראל

(in reply to HisGirl83)

Post #: 8

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/24/2008 12:22:48 PM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

Depends on what the trust issue is and the availability for it being broken again and the why's and how's it came about. You should under the right circumstances be able to kind of bundle it up and walk away from it provided you can identify what you are really afraid of. If its a fear of getting ditched and left with nothing then shore yourself up so to speak and creat a seperate security financial package that you can access in the event of problems. If its just him cheating on you then find out why and simply give it up. That may sound kind of strange but you really have to weigh shit in. If its you thinking he will cheat on you again because you are not worthy or capable (crazy I know but some woman get this way) then what is it that will repair the problem. In other words spend more time identifing where the real fear is comming from and changing yourself because if he has allready done his circus act for you its time for you to give it up and stop expecting him to pay for life for something he may not consider a crime...lol okay that was going to far not knowing the details of your circumstances.

(in reply to JewAndCelt)

Post #: 9

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/24/2008 1:53:19 PM

wulfgarw

Posts: 752
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline

What is this word, trust?

I haven't trusted anyone in years and years. But to the OP, I'll agree with most of the other posters, once lost, trust never comes back 100%.

(in reply to FRSguy)

Post #: 10

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/24/2008 2:45:15 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

I am in agreement with most of the others in the Trust department, you know once lost cannot be regained, in fact I have written posts and posts on this very subject and on this one I have to turn tables and offer a different response than I usually would.

This man is your Husband, the D/s dynamic in this relationship has gone dormant and you have become comfortable with one another and you find yourself wondering where the BDSM spark went, I am paraphrasing because that is all I really read.

I have a friend here who just went through this very issue and found himself living a Vanilla relationship but calling is Kink. I am of the belief system that Kink is what you make it. A relationship is a relationship and no matter what, you have to put enough into it to get enough out of it.

Trust and Marriage is a different story than Trust in General if for no other reason than the Marriage itself was a sign of the commitment you had for one another, a commitment that asks that you work harder with this one individual than you would Johnny-Come-Lately, hopefully because you have more invested then you would with someone you were just seeing.

In the Fantasy that is BDSM although some see the union of a Master and a slave to be beyond that of a Husband and a Wife I am not one of them and not everyone has to be. I am Married to my girl. I love her dearly and if you saw the two of us on a Tuesday Night at Denny's I doubt you would ever mistake us for a Master slave couple. But the relationship that we have is perfect for us. My wife has trust issues when it comes to other women she is working on it and I am working on it with her but some of those trust issues will take years if not Decades to work out. Some Cuts Run Deep!! I have Trust issues when it comes to letting go of responsibilities but I am giving her more things to be responsible of but that doesn't change the fact that I check up on it a hundred times before I am confident that it is done. That is not a reflection on what I think of her abilities, it is a reflection of my OCD when it comes to Bills and Things.

If you are working together then just give it time eventually it will all come out in the wash.

As Always

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to wulfgarw)

Post #: 11

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/24/2008 3:14:10 PM

HisGirl83

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/23/2008
Status: offline

Oh how I wish I could reply to each one of you :) Thanks for your words. A few questions were asked so I'll answer those first.

What happened doesn't really matter. He just broke my trust repetitively- though never broke my hard line. There was no "cheating". I'm also not afraid of taking care of myself should it ever come to that. I'm better off financially than He is. We went to counseling Before we got married and things felt resolved and have stayed resolved. Nothing new has come up since we've been married that I don't consider normal aftermath, lingering hurt feelings, rebuilding of trust stuff etc. I married Him because I was already married to Him. I'll always be His. If that makes sense.

I am so glad I asked this here because it's reassuring to have opinions from people who grasp the dynamic of who we are. It has (seemingly) made it harder to overcome this due to where I was as His girl when all this happened. I felt like I was really coming into who I was as His. I like the advice to not focus on it, to actively change my thoughts, and to go back to counseling- which is already happening. It has been a couple of years and I still seem unable to trust Him, to deep down get over it. It gets a little better then a little worse- kinda back and forth. He is not perfect and of course, neither am I.

I like the journal entry TrueSub58 posted, That was cute and probably applies more than I know. My favorite thing was what scarlethimey said, "The biggest gift of forgiveness is the peace it gives you." That was pretty powerful. :)

I guess, when I really think about it, I know it really does come from fear. (Cause honestly, everything is either fear or love based, right?). I have it in me to just jump over it but having done that already, it's pretty scary. We have a good life, I have a good life and am generally very content. I'm a happy peaceful person. It's just this one thing that I can't figure out.

Anyway, I'm rambling so I'll stop. But thank you to everyone who replied. It matters a lot. I really do appreciate it :)

(in reply to wulfgarw)

Post #: 12

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/24/2008 5:32:48 PM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl83

Oh how I wish I could reply to each one of you :) Thanks for your words. A few questions were asked so I'll answer those first.

What happened doesn't really matter. He just broke my trust repetitively- though never broke my hard line. There was no "cheating". I'm also not afraid of taking care of myself should it ever come to that. I'm better off financially than He is. We went to counseling Before we got married and things felt resolved and have stayed resolved. Nothing new has come up since we've been married that I don't consider normal aftermath, lingering hurt feelings, rebuilding of trust stuff etc. I married Him because I was already married to Him. I'll always be His. If that makes sense.

I am so glad I asked this here because it's reassuring to have opinions from people who grasp the dynamic of who we are. It has (seemingly) made it harder to overcome this due to where I was as His girl when all this happened. I felt like I was really coming into who I was as His. I like the advice to not focus on it, to actively change my thoughts, and to go back to counseling- which is already happening. It has been a couple of years and I still seem unable to trust Him, to deep down get over it. It gets a little better then a little worse- kinda back and forth. He is not perfect and of course, neither am I.

I like the journal entry TrueSub58 posted, That was cute and probably applies more than I know. My favorite thing was what scarlethimey said, "The biggest gift of forgiveness is the peace it gives you." That was pretty powerful. :)

I guess, when I really think about it, I know it really does come from fear. (Cause honestly, everything is either fear or love based, right?). I have it in me to just jump over it but having done that already, it's pretty scary. We have a good life, I have a good life and am generally very content. I'm a happy peaceful person. It's just this one thing that I can't figure out.

Anyway, I'm rambling so I'll stop. But thank you to everyone who replied. It matters a lot. I really do appreciate it :)

I have to tell you after reading this last post I do believe your both going to be alright. You have a good grasp of what you want and a realistic view of working on this and the time it takes. I so understand what you meant when you said I have always been married to him and always will. I feel the very same way about my husband/Master. Take care of you sweetie. Your very welcome!

scarlet

_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.

see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to HisGirl83)

Post #: 13

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/24/2008 6:25:46 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Issues don't go away, they are simply managed in a better way. I agree that trust cannot be remade, but you can forge a new bond of trust over time.

Your issues seem pretty personal and complex and beyond what I could offer on a kink forum, but you can ask if you can give up on what never was and be able to be open on what you can create together now?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to scarlethiney)

Post #: 14

RE: D/s, Marriage, and Trust - 9/24/2008 9:08:11 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Issues that can cause the loss of trust are usually accepted mistakes, differences of perception, miscommunications/misunderstandings or intentional decisions made while knowing what the emotional toll would be.

You're going to have to thoroughly understand what it was about the action(s) he did that caused the distance. You have to understand it not only from your perspective and his...but from an entirely objective point, on the outside looking in.

At that point you can assess the likelihood of it happening again and make a conscious decision to put yourself on the line and recapture the level of devotion you once had, or settle for new parameters in your relationship.

Unrequited trust...full trust isn't something that should be given away because you don't think you'll never need the safety net you would otherwise make for yourself, but because you've decided that the potential damage is an acceptable risk of being that vulnerable and in that intimate/beautiful a place.

Now it is fear that holds you back from walking to that same ledge because you have a real, vivid experience with which to feel the pain of the consequence, rather than either the wistful hope that it will never get tested or some hypothetical scenario you never really can fully empathize with.

My suggestion? Is the relationship really worth living on fire for? If so, then make yourself totally naked again and, in the worst case scenario, you'll have lived genuinely in your trust and will need to pick up the pieces to move on to something that can fulfill you that deeply...

...or stay in the stagnant half-trust that is safe because it won't ever light a strong enough fire to test the tension of what you have, but resign yourself to a lesser sense of completion than you once had (if you can be content with that too).

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 9/24/2008 9:15:20 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

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