dating: 'Nilla vs D/s

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sistermargaret -> dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/19/2008 10:18:03 AM)
Greetings everyone. This morning Master told me, in that sexy growl, 'You are mine, only mine, MY pet. We will shop for a fine collar and You'll get your piercings" :) Lots of you know how i'm feeling right now ... happy pink clouds. This afternoon, i was reading Yahoo news and stumbled across this and thought it was pretty interesting, decided to share it with you for comments. i can't get rid of the underlines, sorry. http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/dating-diaries-ten-dating-red-flags-258416/ Dating Diaries: Ten Dating Red Flags When determining if you should let things get serious, remember: actions speak louder than words. With that being said, here are ten dating red flags. If you see any of these, do yourself a favor and reconsider if it's worth it for you. 1. You are not on the VIP list for breaking news Were you the last to learn about this person's job promotion or newborn niece or nephew? Once things are serious, you should be among the first to know about exciting news, or bad news. 2. They avoid meeting your family or friends If they are shying away from meeting your friends/family consistently, then there are problems. Even if they are very shy, they should want to meet those who are important to you. 3. They don't make any sacrifices Healthy relationships don't require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in a selfless union. When two of my friends first started dating one another, she demanded that he go to Farm Aid for her birthday, which was also the opening NFL football Sunday. While all the guys gathered to watch the games, he was sweltering on some field attending Farm Aid -- an event he never would have gone to if she hadn't have invited him. Now that's sacrifice. 4. They can't fit in your future I admit it. When I meet girls, I envision future moments I may some day share with them. Most of my scenarios are her with me and my family at a Thanksgiving holiday or at a summer crabfeast. If I'm really into her, I usually relish the thought. If not, I kinda cringe. 5. They are too controlling It's scary but I've seen many relationships where guys forbid girls to hang out with certain friends, or wear certain clothes. Major problem if someone is controlling you and not allowing you to be who you want to be within a relationship. 6. The "what are we" conversation fails miserably Almost every relationship hits that crossroads where you both decide if it's worth taking the plunge into being exclusive and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. If they are confused and surprised that you're ready to get serious, the timing is not right, and you should try to figure out how long you want to wait around until they are ready. 7. They talk about plans that don't involve you My sister has major wanderlust. She's always talking about heading off to Chicago or living in London for a year. She often talks about these things with no regard for the fact that she has a boyfriend at the time. If you find that someone is making plans or talking about far off places without inviting you along for the ride, don't let yourself get too into this person. 8. Your friends or family don't like them Remember that your friends and family know you best. Don't take their thoughts with a grain of salt. It's one thing if a person or two don't get along with your significant other, but if a lot of them are saying you should reconsider, then do it. Unfortunately, we often find out about how much our friends hated that person after this person is gone. 9. They violated your trust Whether it's cheating or a little lie that they got caught in, it will be hard to regain trust. Trust is something we don't give away easily, and once it's gone it's hard to get it back. We'll always be wondering about that lie, and doubt will creep in more and more as our minds fixate on that lie. Too often, people take trust for granted and once they lose it they never get it back. 10. You practice "unbalanced dating" Are you always seeing his friends or doing things that he wants to do? Do you just let him pick the restaurants and events? Or is it the other way around? Relationships are fun when you are both able to contribute. If you're not taking turns creating fun times together, it will most likely fizzle out. What would you add to the list? Ever been a victim of any of these red flags? sm All it takes is absolute surrender

persephonee -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/19/2008 10:33:26 AM)
sounds like sound dating advice.

VivaciousSub -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/19/2008 10:38:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sistermargaret 9. They violated your trust Yes, I've been a major victim of this one, and I should have seen it coming. Thanks to the idiotic, thoughtless and stupid behavior of my former Sir, I have now lost some of the hearing in my left ear. He struck me across the face during an ear infection (still ongoing) and it ruptured my eardrum so badly that it caused permanent damage. Then, he blamed me for being unable to handle the blow cause I had told him that morning I was feeling better. Since when does "I'm feeling better" equate to "No, really, strike me in the head"?! I released myself immediately but the damage was already done. It takes an inordinate amount of trust for me to surrender my will to my Master, and he violated it in the worst way possible. I know very well that there are many Dom/mes, Masters and Mistresses out there that abhor this kind of behavior, so fear not - I don't, can't and won't tar other members of the community with this brush. I'll find a wonderful Sir someday! < edited to add the Why Trust Is Important bit>

aravain -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/19/2008 11:16:07 AM)
I kinda agree with persephonee... it's excellent advice. Oh course, some aspects don't really apply to a kinky relationship... but at least in my case I wouldn't have a "relationship" with someone until he had proven (and I had proven to him) that we CAN work as a vanilla couple as well. shrug

OttersSwim -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/19/2008 11:20:05 AM)
No comments to the advice, but wanted to say Congrats Sistermargaret! Enjoy the high today...and tomorrow...and the next day...and the next...[:D]

sfdrew -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/19/2008 11:40:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: aravain I kinda agree with persephonee... it's excellent advice. Oh course, some aspects don't really apply to a kinky relationship... but at least in my case I wouldn't have a "relationship" with someone until he had proven (and I had proven to him) that we CAN work as a vanilla couple as well. shrug I think this is absolutely true. Even though my surrender to Her is nearly limitless, we still have a great vanilla relationship, and we are best friends. If we didn't then a 24/7 D/s relationship wouldn't be possible.

MmeGigs -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/20/2008 5:22:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: aravain Oh course, some aspects don't really apply to a kinky relationship... They all looked pretty spot-on to me, even for kinky relationships. Which ones do you think don't apply?

SunNMoon -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/20/2008 5:55:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MmeGigs quote: ORIGINAL: aravain Oh course, some aspects don't really apply to a kinky relationship... They all looked pretty spot-on to me, even for kinky relationships. Which ones do you think don't apply? That's what I was thinking as well. Even someone being contorlling, it adds on being able to be true to self. The only one the comes to mind that the list is missing is you meeting their friends and family.

DesFIP -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/20/2008 6:20:57 AM)
Sound, basic advice. Controlling only works to a certain degree. Being isolated from your family and friends is not a good thing. Being told not to spend time with one person who always leaves you feeling upset is something else. And even if the power is unbalanced, if I never get my needs met, it isn't a healthy relationship. Just because he's in charge doesn't mean I never get to pick where to stop for lunch. Panera's - trukey, artichoke panini w/chips please.

aravain -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/20/2008 9:01:02 AM)
I think the last one is probably the one that won't count... at least not for ALL kinky relationships quote: 10. You practice "unbalanced dating" Are you always seeing his friends or doing things that he wants to do? Do you just let him pick the restaurants and events? Or is it the other way around? Relationships are fun when you are both able to contribute. If you're not taking turns creating fun times together, it will most likely fizzle out. Basically I've known submissives and even just plain ordinary vanilla people who don't want to make ANY of those decisions. If they do they get sweaty, nervous, and the events are no longer fun for them because all they're focusing on is whether or not the other choice would have been better the entire time that they're doing the activity. I'm sort of one of these people. I don't LIKE making set decisions... I usually don't mind coming up with a range of choices... but when forced to choose I will usually choose to just not do anything instead, unless I feel really strongly about the situation (which isn't often). It's quite frustrating, especially when you're with someone as neurotic as yourself in that respect and when you force each other to choose you just always end up unhappy because nothing is done, but neither of you wants to choose what to do.

sistermargaret -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/20/2008 11:05:06 AM)
Thank you very much otterswim for your well wishes. i don't tell a lot of people i know personally about U/us, so it's nice to brag a little bit here :) You are the only person who sent congrats. Much appreciated! sm All it takes is absolute surrender

DesFIP -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/20/2008 11:21:13 AM)
Aravain, picking what to eat or where is the thing most people least like to do, vanilla or kinky. However, saying anyplace I can get a good salad is one thing, not ever getting to go out for Chinese food even though you love it is something else. There are people who get off on denial, but beyond those few, the rest of us will feel upset if we're told "You can never eat that anymore just because you love it. You can only eat foods you detest and see people socially you don't like". The truth is, if you never see or talk to your friends then you lose them.

aravain -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/20/2008 12:09:23 PM)
Hmmm I think you're mixing numbers 5 and 10 and I don't see 'em mixed at all. Unbalanced dating is pretty much where one person is making the 'date decisions' (where to go, who to go with, etc.) which is DIFFERENT from being told 'You can only see X' or that you can no longer eat something. In 5 the person is literally giving you rules (arbitrary or not) In 10 they're making a decision that is entirely encapsulated in the scope of one event... only they're making all the decisions like that (not necessarily controlling if you WANT them to, and if they listen when/if you veto) Am I clarifying this at all? Or am I the one confused?

DrekHazkal -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/20/2008 10:32:32 PM)
I was going to start a new thread for this but it generally fits in here. I am dating a submissive who is currently in a D/s situation with a Master and she the slave. Now should I be worried about this as her and I become closer? I am debating trying out being a Dom for her and we are already to the 'love you' stage of things but I am a little concerned about this other guy. I have talked to her about this already a few times and she has told me he is training her to be a submissive and that she plans on breaking it off with him one day but hasn't given any indication of when one day is. Anyways I'm completely new to this scene and I am a little confused so any help would be lovely. Ah and I put switch in my profile because I am naturally a switch I think but I am required to basically be a Dom for my future career so I'm trying to see if I can do it. lol

MmeGigs -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/21/2008 4:25:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DrekHazkal I am dating a submissive who is currently in a D/s situation with a Master and she the slave. Now should I be worried about this as her and I become closer? I am debating trying out being a Dom for her and we are already to the 'love you' stage of things but I am a little concerned about this other guy. I have talked to her about this already a few times and she has told me he is training her to be a submissive and that she plans on breaking it off with him one day but hasn't given any indication of when one day is. Does the other guy know about you? If he doesn't, I think you're right to be concerned. Other than that, what are your concerns about the situation? I was going to throw out a few ideas, but not knowing what it is that's concerning you about this, they'd just be shots in the dark.

daddysliloneds -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/21/2008 6:13:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sistermargaret 1. ...<snip>Once things are serious, you should be among the first to know about exciting news, or bad news. so what about the people who don't share this news with anyone? you really think this makes them a red flag for a relationship? quote: 2. They avoid meeting your family or friends If they are shying away from meeting your friends/family consistently, then there are problems. Even if they are very shy, they should want to meet those who are important to you. i personally don't need/want to meet his friends/family and felt kind of awkward when i did; i felt like i was getting the 'once over' in the judgment department and that i'd be the center of them bugging him with all kinds of questions about him/me, which i was/am, and we both have better things to do with our time then to get the interrogation treatment from people who can think all they want about us, but will have no influence over us when it comes right down to it. quote: 3. They don't make any sacrifices Healthy relationships don't require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in a selfless union...<snip> if it's a 'selfless' union, then it would seem that sacrifice wouldn't be necessary. i know that we both have a lot of things that are important to us, and to us, it would be 'selfish' to demand/expect the other one to give up those things for the sake of the other. quote: 4. They can't fit in your future I admit it. When I meet girls, I envision future moments I may some day share with them...<snip> the problems with envisioning(contemplate as likely); doesn't mean they can't fit into your future. i mean, come on, i didn't envision being a single mother at 48, but i am and it certainly fits into my world just fine! it's just a matter of seeing things for how they really are instead of the way you thought they might be. quote: 7. They talk about plans that don't involve you My sister has major wanderlust. She's always talking about heading off to Chicago or living in London for a year. She often talks about these things with no regard for the fact that she has a boyfriend at the time. If you find that someone is making plans or talking about far off places without inviting you along for the ride, don't let yourself get too into this person. why should a persons dreams be stiffled just because they are in a relationship? why does the other person have to be along for the ride for things to still be great? not everone wants/needs to spend every waking moment together to have a great relationship. quote: 8. Your friends or family don't like them Remember that your friends and family know you best. Don't take their thoughts with a grain of salt...<snip> yeah, but don't make their opinions more important than your own; some friends/family members aren't necessarily out so see you happy even though they 'think' they are; they just define what will make you happy differently than you do for yourself.

DrekHazkal -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/21/2008 11:33:38 AM)
He knows about me and she was given permission to date me, I'm mostly concerned because I don't know why she is still with him. Does it make sense to want to finish training with him?

LadyLupineNYC -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/22/2008 9:50:14 AM)
This topic kind of reminds me of these domestic abuse posters all over the bathroom at work. It has all sorts of things like 'It's abuse if they hit you, insult you, force you to have sex' etc etc. I always keep thinking to myself 'gee, sounds like last night...' I keep meaning to snag one a 'gift' to my boy as a 'to do' list [;)]

Aslanemperor -> RE: dating: 'Nilla vs D/s (9/22/2008 10:00:07 AM)
My only problem is "your friends and family don't like them." Now I'm actually a really good guy. I'm more then willing to work hard to take care of the woman I'm with. But almost every girl I've dated has had the same thing with family. they NEVER like me. This makes no sense to me, beecause I can't seem to figure out why they hate me so, but I always get the same basic rundown in their oppinion. They all think I'm gonna be Bubba and beat on their little girl. Now anyone who REALLY knows me, knows that I'm a teddy bear. I can be plenty dominant, but when push comes to shove, I'm a nice guy. I can spank, but even if the slave begs for it, I won't hit her in her face. I can't even make myself do it. I still remember one time I popped a sub on her butt and she started crying. In that relationship, it never happened again. My point is, the family took one look at me and made a judgement call which was as far from the truth as it gets. I tend to get this sort of thing a lot because I'm a rather big guy. So I would advise you to look at the reasons that they think what they think. Sometimes, even family can be stupid and not know what they're talking about.

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